#SLMR: Bang Bang

Hey, everyone. Welcome to Short/Long Music Review.

Well, this summer has been filled with big hits by many artists, from Iggy Azalea with "Fancy" and Ariana Grande with "Problem", not to mention songs like John Legend's "All of Me" and Pharrell Williams' "Happy", already popular songs which had big staying power on the Hot 100.
There were several songs from female artist getting and heavy on the charts and making the summer music season sweltering, but there was one song that was a triple threat: with the best voice from a female Pop star, the rising star that kept rising and the hottest Fem-Cee in Hip-Hop joining forces to bring us this, one of the biggest songs of the summer.

It's Bang Bang by Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj.



"She got a body like an hourglass, but I can give it to you all the time"
--I'm sorry; body types aren't my thing. I'm a "I'm desperate, please like me, I don't care what you are; my parents want me out of the house!" kind of guy. And this "give it to me all the time" thing? Irritating.
"She gotta booty like a Cadillac, but I can send you into overdriiive, ohhh"
--If she had a booty like a Caddy, which nowadays looks smooth and round, that's another reason why that's not helping out in your case. There is no way I'd leave her for you.
"Stop and wait, wait for that, (what?) stop, hold up, swing your bat (What is this about baseball, now?)
"See anybody could be bad to you, you need a good girl to blow your mind, yeah"
--Oh, I see. Because she's "bad", that means you have an ample excuse to try to take me away. Well, too bad, missy! It's not gonna--
"Bang Bang" into the room (I know you want it)" --Uhh
"Bang-Bang all over you (I'll let you have it)" --Ohh
"Wait a minute/Let-me-take-you-there (ah)" --Really?
"Wait a minute tell you (ah)"
--
"Bang Bang, there goes your heart! (I know you want it)"
"Back, back seat of my car (I'll let you have it)"
"Wait a minute/Let-me-take-you-there (ah)"
"Wait a minute tell you (ah)"

I'm sorry, but somehow this song does not sound like one about love, relationships, taking some girl's man and sex. It sounds more about murder.--Seriously, this must've been written by someone who had a grudge on someone else who plagiarized his/her work, and wanted this as the constant reminder that he/she is still out there.
You can hear it especially in the chorus.
"Bang Bang" into the roof"
I got you cornered.
"Bang-Bang all over you"
Oop, I shot you.
"Let-me-take-you-there"
"There" meaning the local morgue
--
"Bang Bang, there goes your heeeaaaarrrt!"
Boom, you're dead. You weren't a great lover anyway.
-(Okay, are you sure that this isn't co-written by Hannibal Lecter under an alias?)
"Bang Bang, seat of my caarr"
Gotta hide the body somewhere.

I must be the only one who notices this, but after this is released, I won't be.
Okay, now here's Ariana's verse.

--"She might've let you hold her hand in school/But I'mma show you how to graduate"
Okay, that line makes you sound like a pedophile. Really, from hearing that, it makes me think she's an older broad looking for love from barely high-school-aged children. Just because the other girl let the boy (whomever he may be) hold her hand in school, doesn't make you a good person to rip him away from her and join you in whatever freakfest session you got planned for him to "show him how to grduate". It just makes you a Grade-B trashbag skank...and a sexual predator.
Sure because while she was boring being all cutesy by holding hands, but you're just worse wanting "I think you're cute, let's have an orgy" sex.

--"No, I don't need to hear you talk the talk/Just come and show me what your momma gave"
You mean my penis, the thing she gave me when I came out of the hole and used it a bungee cord before they cut it? Sure, why not.

--"(You've got a very big shhhh/mouth, but don't say a thing)"
Umm, yeah, it kinda is. I took a cold shower this morning; that probably helped.
"See anybody could be good to you, you need a bad girl to blow your mind"
See? Again, this! This thing that they have going on, thinking they're better than any girl any guy they're looking for. Just because they're good at fucking, doesn't make them good people. Even though, Ari has actually referred herself as a "bad" girl. I know this happens only as interpretation in songs, but from how I see it, it just feels

After the chorus, it's everybody's favorite annoying sexpot with an irritating voice, the body of a ham hock, and the booty like a Hummer, Nicki Minaj.

"It's Myx Moscato
It's frizz in a bottle
It's Nicki full throttle
It's oh, oh
Swimming in the grotto
We winning in the lotto
We dipping in the pot of blue foam, so
Kitten so good
It's dripping on wood
Get a ride in the engine that could
Go, Batman robbin' it
Bang, bang, cockin' it
Queen Nicki dominant, prominent"

Uhh...
"It's me, Jessie and Ari; if they test me, they sorry"
That's right men. If you test Nicki Minaj, she'll be pissed. The least you get is a talking to, and the worst is her sitting on you. That won't be good for your penis, now would it? Would it?

"Ride us up like a Harley
Then pull off in this Ferrari"
I get the Harley part as it's about rough, hard sex, and Nicki is smart to to refer herself as a Harley, because she's an easy-ass slut with a vag hungry for anything with a dick.

"If he hanging, we banging
Phone ranging, he slanging
It ain't karaoke night but get the mic 'cause I'm singing"
She never sang, anyway. Also, "If he hanging, we banging"? If a woman is that hungry to have a guy in bed just for going out with her...huh, maybe I should go out more often.

Okay, these lyrics make no damn sense, features the same old shit we hear from female rappers (I understand feminism and sexual liberation, but screw it) but Nicki has the--ugh--swagger and lyricism to pull it off and make me like it.

So from all this, it makes me think "Jessie" is a horny homewrecker, "Ari" is a creepy child-lover, and "Nicki" is...
well, "Nicki".
Surprisingly, out of all the ladies in the song, it's Nicki who has the saner (to me) lyrics. Jessie and Ari are women who want to take men away from established relationships and use them to their sexual advantage. And Ari's lyrics make her look older than she currently is (probably because Victorious and Sam & Cat are still fresh in my mind, but yeah). Nicki is always a dimwitted horny slut as portrayed in some of her songs. But here, it's much more tame, mostly because they come in so fast, you barely notice them the first few times.

Also, I caught two different scenarios.
Scenario 1 is this: These three women are luring men into sexual relationships because they believe the girls they're with don't stand a chance to them in the freaking and "T&A" departments, and are just using to get wet quickly, and then they're through with the guys like disposable cellphones. And...
Scenario 2 is that they see men in horrible relationships and want to save them from their terrible fates by being their better girlfriends, which is where the man happily accept because sex with Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj is apparently the best thing ever. But in a world like this, both scenarios exist. I believe in S1 because...whores are a twisted people. And speaking of twisted...I don't hate this song. Really.
This song isn't really that bad. The beat is awesome, the vocals of Jessie and Ari are amazing and Nicki's rap verse isn't that bad. It's dull, but not her worst.

This song was a summer hit, it felt like a summer hit, and it deserved to be a summer hit. This is one of Jessie J's best hit singles. It's no "Price Tag", but it's coming close. I want more from Jessie J in the future. Her voice and style is amazing and no like any of the other female Pop stars in the game today (mostly because she has an actually good voice), so seeing this song make it big on the charts really pleases me. Girls, keep it up...and keep it in your pant(ie)s.

Thanks for joining me today for this edition of Short/Long Music Review, and I'll see you next month for another review...

This Week in NFL: Negroes Fighting Loved-ones

So, this month has been filled of controversy involving football and the guys who play it, along with those behind the scenes, including commissioner Roger Goodell. But it's what happens off the field that fueled the firestorm.

After the Ray Rice crap, more players have been caught physically assaulting either their wives or other members of their families. And in the case of Adrian Peterson, his own 4-year-own son. Sickening.

I know I'm not the first person to say this, I know I won't be the last and everyone has said it before me, but... Commissioner Roger Goodell needs to resign soon. Although he has done a great job as commish in the years prior to the incident, all he's done in the weeks after the Ray Rice scandal has been downright pitiful and wrong. He barely did a thing to ensure Rice's firing from the Ravens and helped make the situation worse. He didn't fire him from the team, he didn't signal a firing to team owners and even do anything to severely punish Rice until after that infamous second video was released. Hell, nothing was done after the first video was released either, and it's shocking no one noticed anything was wrong even after seeing the guy dragged a damn body out the elevator door!

Elsewhere, I am very mixed on the Adrian Peterson case. In this country, there are different ways parents discipline their children. One of these ways is spanking them. I was one of these children when my parents spanked me for many things when I was a child. I got spanked on a chair, spanked with a shoe, even got my ass kicked literally, but it's not as worse as whipped with a tree branch. Hell, once my grandma smacked the hell out of me because I accidentally changed a setting on her TV! Before you assume my elder members of my family are different versions of Joe Jackson, I did bad things to deserve these spankings, and not one time was my punishment given with a tree branch. This man is a 29-year-old, 6 foot-1 inch, 217 lb. football player spanking his son, who is 4-years-old and has the same body frame as any other 4-year-old child, because he pushed his brother. That is about the sickest piece of discipline from a sports player I've ever heard so far.

Back to Goodell, How he could be so clueless as to noticing what was happening in front of him for the past few weeks just baffles me so much, it makes me laugh. He was supposed to make firm decision in tackling this head on, but he did nothing to stop it from getting worse.

When he made the announcement to tighten domestic abuse policies, I thought it's not gonna do any good. It's bad enough that this had to be implemented days after ANOTHER player beat up a family member, but No matter what, someone is still gonna be a victim of DA, and the League will be in an even worse state than it was before. It's like saying you hate Peanut Butter because it sticks on the roof of your mouth, and wanted to switch to something else like Nutella. It won't do any better, because it'll still stick to your mouth!

If I may be honest, will this stop me from watching football anytime soon? Nope. just because some players committed abuse upon their family members and in turn cause a huge scandal after the fact, doesn't mean it'll bring the whole league and the other teams and players down with it. It's just two teams and the higher-ups that have been affected. The other teams are fine. And this season is going great. Besides, my fave team, the Philadelphia Eagles are starting off the season in amazing fashion. And I'm not gonna let this scandal overshadow that; hell no, not at all.

I would only hope that this would end soon, because domestic violence news is starting to get less sickening and get more annoying. I want domestic abuse to end soon, but I don't want news about it to come at least 3 days at a time.
You'd be surprised a story like THIS would could someday.

Kanye West Asks Handicapped Fans to Stand Up; Ends Up an Asshole Again

Okay Kanye. It's that simple. Open your mouth, and insert your foot into it. You've done it a few times before; it's not as complex as your music or your ego. So do it.

Kanye West is in hot water yet again when in Australia, during a concert, he asks all his fans to stand up for a particular part of his song "". When he noticed two fans still sitting down, he actually stops the song, and tells the two to do what he told them to to. They can't...because they're both handicapped. One of them is in a wheelchair and the other is an amputee. Fortunately, he realized his faux pas and said that if someone is in a wheelchair, they don't have to stand up. Don't HAVE to stand up!? Umm...they CAN'T stand up, you cunt!!

I don't wanna get too much into it, so click on this to check it out: http://www.myfoxphilly.com/story/26529142/concert

but long story short, Ye, you don't give the authority over ANYONE to do what you want to. This is a concert; they will stand up anyway, no matter who's playing what arena. They WILL stand up. And if they don't, get used to it. People get tired from standing up at concerts, kinda like you getting tired of other people doing things that have nothing to do you.

And to Kanye's fans who wanted the two handicapped people stand up: You all are dumb(ass)holes. If you see someone in a wheelchair (especially in the seat right next to you in the same row), and you make them stand up? You deserve a day in hell; not only by people verbally giving you shit, but also spending a day in the actual place. Unless-you're Buckley, nobody likes an asshole.

Video of NFL Player Beating Fiancee Released; He's Fired

Well, it's official. Ray Rice has become the Chris Brown of football.

If that video of the Baltimore Ravens player dragging his then-fiancee out of an elevator of the now-closed Revel casino and resort in Atlantic City, NJ, is enough, than this is.

TMZ Sports has released a video of closed-camera video of the ride the two had in the elevator. In it, Rice walks up to her in a threatening manner, then she walks up to him, and Rice decks her in the face. After temporarely losing consciousness, the fiancee runs up to Rice (like she actually had a chance) and he knocks her out. Seconds later, Rice picks up her unconscious body and drags her out of the elevator.

What happens next is just disgusting and reprehensible.

At the time, this fuck was still in the NFL, got support by fellow players (who look like domestic abusers themselves), and has gotten a free pass with the 2-game suspension. This is UNACCEPTABLE.
He should be dropped from the Ravens and needs to go to counseling. His fiancee is a brave woman to forgive him and still be with him, but this shit just disgusts me (and yes, it also involves women beating men, but you don't see that very often, and the perception is that the man is a pussy against the woman).

Meanwhile, Michael Sam, the first openly-gay national football player, got dropped by the St. Louis Rams...for whatever reason. We don't know why, but I assume that because of his sexual orientation, and this this wouldn't look good for the overall image of the Rams and the NFL at large. Not because he's a hell of a player.
Also, Michael Vick committed a similar crime, starting a dog-fighting ring and ending up serving 2 years in jail and almost went into bankruptcy. He deserved it, but he got a worse punishment than Rice, who is more lenient here.
And to mention the reference to Chris Brown, he, after beating then-girlfriend Rihanna, of course got a five-year probation and and received a restraining order to stay 100 yards from her. He got better, but again, this is a worse punishment than Rice had. This bitch needs to go away from football and stay away from women for a while. We need less men who treat women like objects and punching bags in the world.

UPDATE: well, that didn't take long.
The NFL has announce that Rice has been dropped from the Ravens, and that he has been put on indefinite suspension, a fancy term meaning "you've been kicked out of the club, and you will never come back." Good, he deserves that. No one likes Domestic Abusers. Especially those whose job involves "beating up other guys to get a ball across a field to score." I hope he has enough money to last a year. He'll need it trying to salvage the few friendships he has left.

Joan Rivers Has Died

Hi, everyone.
Who knew that just a week after we lost one of the greatest actors and comedians of all time (Robin Williams), we would lose one of the greatest comediennes of all time?
Well, that's what happened when the shocking and heartbreaking news came earlier today, when Joan Rivers passed away at 1:17PM at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York. As soon as I heard he news, I was shocked. She was so alive and well, that she could do her magic for another 5-7 years. So shocked that I hoped that she would wake from her coma and leave the hospital to do what she loves best alive and well.

She was a true pioneer in comedy and paved the way for many females to go into the world of stand-up comedy. And she was just a busy-body; always having the time to do stand-up shows, her E! show Fashion Police and her We show Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best?. Her humor has been controversial in recent years, but she still knew how to make em' laugh. Sure she could piss someone off with it (I was one of those people), but there was always a chance someone else can chuckle from it (Again, I was one of those people). And jokes have been made about her face (me myself have made a few before), but she was a beautiful woman with the wit and humor to match.

"My mother's greatest joy in life was to make people laugh," her daughter Melissa Rivers said in a statement. "Although that is difficult to do right now, I know her final wish would be that we return to laughing soon."

Joan is survived by her daughter Melissa and her grandson Cooper.
She will be missed.
(1933-2014)

Female Celebs' Nude Pics Leaked by 4chan

So...you may have heard about some...pictures that have surfaced on the Internet over the weekend. These pictures are nude pics of some well known female celebrities, including Jennifer Lawrence, Victoria Justice, Mary Elizabeth Winstead and Kate Upton.

In a perverted way, I could say:
THANK YOU, FATHER GOD IN HEAVEN!! THANK YOU FOR THE DUDE WHO LEAKED THE PHOTOS!! NOW I CAN FIND SOMETHING TO JERK OFF TO EVERY NIGHT FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR!! MY PENIS CAN BARELY TAKE THE ALL THE TITS AND ASS AND ANUS AND STUFF!! AWW DAMN, I'M SO CREEPY AND DISGUSTING.
(Okay, I saw some of the photos. What?? I DID say I was a dog on the Facebook page! Maybe...)

In a sane, rational, not-a-horndog way:
The Cloud is a very dangerous thing. One day, you put pictures into it that you find sacred and personal; the next day, it might end up in some dinky pervert's computer & flash drive along with pictures of their family after a trip to amusement park.
Anyway, as much as it is the fault of the person who hacked the cloud and leaked the photos, the ladies has a fault in this too. They should know that the Cloud is a very huge Internet-based feature that collects people's information and private things (videos, photos, the like), together with other people's things. And it's controlled over the Web; you can't control them without it. Someone (anyone) with the knowledge and perversion (Basically a Howard Wolowitz circa Season 1-3)

can scope the Internet, find the accounts, hack them and dip into Freakazoid heaven with the pics in their possesion. This just shows how disgusting and thirsty they are (Me included). And from the pics I saw (Yes, I admit, I saw some and I do feel disgusted in hindsight. Don't judge me.), you really need to put a filter and what you want and don't want to pick pictures of, and posting onto a Cloud app or anywhere else on the Internet. Men will DROOL over this shit (See the video for Nicki Minaj's Anaconda. There are at least 150,000 men watching it as this moment. and 200,000 of them watching it on mute.)

Also, the people of the companies whom have a Cloud product are at fault. It's really stupid now that we have to sign up for applications in the Internet just to keep our items. The Cloud is one of them. I don't trust it, because some creepo might hack into my Internet connection, find my stuff, and upload it to the Web (to say nothing of keeping them). Then I'd be humiliated to even walk out my house. But we're used to it because the damn thing is mandatory in every electronic device we own. Dammit, how I wish I could go back to the time where we didn't have Cloud and convince the companies that this didn't happen.
So...2012, maybe?

And 4chan...stay classy.