Beauty is the Eye of the Douchebag

Who knew someone has a problem with a average looking celebrities?

So I was screwing around on Facebook last night and I came across this link from the page of Cheech and Chong to an article on AllNight.com, where the writer, Brandon Bombay, compiled a list of some of Hollywood's leading beauties and hunks before they became adults. But here's the point: those beauties and hunks were "ugly" when they were kids.

First off, yes I do like a page by weed aficionados Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong. My taste in likes on FB is so broad.

Second, calling the actors featured ugly is a complete and total offense to them! Do you know how conscience these people are about their looks and how much self-worth they have because of them? You try to make them look so small by tearing them down because of how they looked like when they were younger vs. what they look like today, but you end up looking like an asshole daring to say so in front of everyone on the Internet.

I'm gonna tell you this: the celebs in the article (I won't type their names to protect the innocence, you'll have to look for yourself) are beautiful now, and they damn sure were beautiful then. I damn well remember the times I was grossed out by the star of Little Miss Sunshine, how I gagged at the large sight of the second titular character of Drake & Josh during seasons 1 and 2, how many jokes I made at the recurring star on Boy Meets World, how many pictures on Entertainment Tonight I had to stomp my right foot on the floor for of that girl that later became one of the biggest music superstars on Earth, and the times I would cry from looking at the face of that boy from the Harry Potter films (who, by the way, looks like a real-life Wirt from Over the Garden Wall--who ALSO isn't at all ugly).
AND THAT IS ZERO!!

I never, in my life, thought any of the people featured in the article were ugly. I knew they looked normal then (and in almost all cases, that's the point), but none of them are even remotely ugly. It's like saying Larry David is ugly. In fact as you keep going and going deeper and deeper into the post, you'll see that none of the young famous names are ugly at all! He just threw them in there just to cause a shitstorm and gain notoriety for the website, stroke some creepy ego he has, or reveal an ugly envy he has toward them because he himself probably was ugly when he was a kid.
It's like this is a joke from some site like The Onion, but it's not. This is serious.
It's pretty cruel for someone to think that, let say that, so to see this article about is, makes my head shake and come close to screaming. And none of them had their faces under nips and tucks, so in that case, you may have an argument, but they never succumbed to plastic surgery.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself to even think up this idea, let alone post it online. I may be ashamed of some of the crap I post on my website, but this garbage wannabe-Buzzfeed abomination should not have existed.

Fuck you, Brandon Bombay, for creating, writing and posting this shit!
Fuck you to the people who actually agree with his opinion!
(which be the way is fine. It's just a shitty opinion)
Fuck you, AllNight.com, for actually agreeing to this! (this site is a click-bait joke)
And Fuck you, Cheech and Chong Facebook page--and the person controlling it, for even sharing this for in the first place, and saying "Quite a change" in the byline!

Short/Long Music Review 2016: February

Welcome back, everyone, to Short/Long Music Review.
This month on the Billboard charts have seen quite some movement. Some new songs have debuted in the Top 10, including one that became the first hit by the artist who, after leaving his universe-famous group, has more number-one hits than they do (ONE). (hah, pathetic!). Also, some hit songs took huge tumbles, while others rose in popularity.

Let's check them out.

Starting with "Pillowtalk", the debut single by solo X Factor UK auditionee-turned One Direction member-turned whiny, petty, wannabe emo solo artist Zayn Malik (or as he is now known as ZAYN).

This song immediately shot to the top of the Hot 100 upon release, thanks to buzz from an interview with Fader Magazine, by pretty much trying to negate everything he's done with One Direction by saying he was unhappy about it; curiosity from fans about what tones and topics will be featured in his own music, and what the former member of the biggest boy band in the world will prove in his first steps away from the band.
It's a shame that the first time I heard, because of his Irish accent, I can't understand much of what the hell he's saying. Plus, while it succeeds in conveying a sexual relationship with the fix'ins--pain, confusion, love and hunger for orgasm, along with fantastic imagery and graphics throughout; it also feels like artsy-fartsy nonsense that I think tries to teach me something about love and painbut ends up showing me that it's possible for a flower to grow out of a woman's clit while appearing in a naked, spiky-faced state used for an art exhibit at the Met.

The beat is really perfect; the slow alt-R&B production and fits with the writing and tone of the track and with Zayn's vocals (even if they're so moody, that I can't understand much of what he's seeing), proving that this guy can make decent music on his own.

I don't think this song deserved to reach number one; I don't think it has the presence and popularity to reach the top. I can recognize the reason (it become a smash hit because everyone was curious to see what the debut of the breakup member of One Direction would sound like) and can congratulate Zayn on his instant start to success. I know in my mind that what he said in his Fader interview made him out to look like an asshole, and that he should've left if he wanted to should he had the chance, but after this song and later interview with Apple Music's Beats 1 Radio, I can now see with fresh eyes and a fresher mind that he had no ill will toward the other members of One Direction and felt it was his time to depart for his own career with his own sounds and words in tow. I wish him good luck in the future.
--

"Work" - Rihanna ft. Drake

Riri is back! ...I think.
I mean, she had two other songs that would be part of the tracklist for ANTI, but for some reason they're not there. Instead she retcons everything by making "Work" the first single. And...I'm cool with that. I, at best, like "FourFiveSeconds" (almost all because of her) and I fuckin' despise "Bitch Better Have My Money" (partially because of her), so this was a great change of pace.
Anyway, this is Work, the so-called new debut single off ANTI, featuring Drake. And it's...fun. Really fun.
The beat is awesome; the soft dancehall-reggae production is perfectly bright and bouncy, and the and the chorus is exceptionally catchy. Put them together and you got a wonderful dance explosion.
It's too bad the lyrics are trash. That is if you are curious as to what the questionably-gibberish lines are and search it on the lyric sites. Some of the lines are about making a romantic relationship difficult, but staying because of the good sex, and others are just plain nonsense.
Then there's Drake's lyrics:
"If you had a twin, I would still choose you"
"Sorry if I'm way less friendly/
I got niggas tryna end me, oh"
"I spilled all my emotions tonight, I'm sorry
Rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin'
How many more shots until you're rollin'?"
Yeah, even with looking up the lyrics, this is dumb crap.
But this song is still a fun track to enjoy at the club, or a cookout, or a high school dance. Or sex.
--

"Stressed Out" - twenty one pilots

This song is just like every piece of the Nostalgia Boom: Reminiscing about how great things were when you were a child. I don't mind things like this, but these are everywhere. Excuse me for getting off-topic: but I can't go through a week without learning news about a reboot/remake of an old TV show or a sequel/remake of a decades-old movie (looking at you, Disney) or movie adaption of a decades-old TV show--almost none of which are needed, and all of which are examples of Hollywood exes running to ideas and concepts that largely don't need to be touched, instead of new pilots and concepts that should be and can potentially be new hits that nearly everyone can enjoy. We can look back on old movies and TV shows and music to love again and take us away from today and back to times when young life was fun and free and amazing--and that's just cool. But to have this mentality so clearly all the time, it just annoys me.
Which beings me to this song. It's not a bad song, and gives some new insight into memories of when one was young and reaching adulthood. I can agree that it's scary and most times, and all we can do about childhood is reminisce about it. I can relate to that jazz. But it's also weird--especially when the Video is concerned. Big Wheels? Really?

Also, this line:
"I wish I found some better sounds no one’s ever heard,
I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words/
I wish I found some chords in an order that is new,
I wish I didn't have to rhyme every time I sang"
I don't know if I should laugh and find it clever or slam them on Twitter for such laziness.

This song peaked at number 2 (a great feat in and of itself), but there are better songs from them that deserve to get higher too.
--

Yet another Justin Bieber song from Purpose is a big hit. It's "Sorry". And...I really like it. (#notsorry)

This song is Justin trying to apologize to a girl for being a shitbag; either to get back into her heart...or into her pussy.
I like the arrogant, sarcastic tone Justin shows here, trying to be sincere but can't. For some reason, I can actually get behind Justin Bieber being an asshole. (Yes, I did wrote that.) At least this is better than that little cream-puff with the swoop from back in the last decade.
The writing isn't brilliant, but is still great and super catchy.

And I haven't even got to the beat. It's fuckin' awesome. The warm and sweet tropical house/dancehall beat is amazing, and creates great vibes with every listen. I couldn't take my ears off it and couldn't stop replaying after first listen.
I never thought I would love a Justin Bieber song like I did with this, but I'm cool with it.
--
And rounding out the Top 5 (at least at the end of the month),

"My House" by Flo Rida.

Flo Rida can't stop being relevant...and can't stop sucking cow teats.
"My House" is the second single from the EP of the same name, and another reason Flo is not as great as he thinks he is. Since we all know--because of the many other songs he does--what it's all about, I'll just skip to the beat. It's a very nice and pretty catchy flow, but I don't consider it his best, which is sadly ironic as it's actually an original beat, and that his better productions are those that steal beats from other songs. (Interesting progression here.)

Also, while most of it is the same old stuff we've come to expect from Flo Rida, bit of the writing is mediocre tripe.
"Yeah, you know what we is" is the worst of them. I mean, come on. Really?

In my mind, this track doesn't sound like a regular song made for the charts--or even the album it came in. It sounds like a song made for a soundtrack for a movie or a TV show or a commercial, which explains its appearance in an ad for Pizza Hut during Super Bowl 50

(apologies for the Ad playing twice. It's the fault of the channel that featured the video)

and I'm damn sure it will be shown in a TV spot for a few movies later this year. Even if the song doesn't fit with the plot of the movie.
I don't mind this one at all. It's catchy, and not that bad a song as other people make it out to be, but it's pretty underwhelming (even for a Flo Rida) as isn't as great as...other other people make it out to be. I'll play this under a good mood, but not a lot though.

---

Now that that the Top 5 has been covered, let's get to more songs.

Pop

"7 Years" - Lukas Graham
I had nothing to expect when I first heard this song.
Then he starting rap-singing.

This song is about Lukas looking back at his life during certain parts of it.
Honestly I don't like much of it. His vocals try for sincere, but end up laughable; the production tries for soft and heartfelt, but sounds more sappy and forgettable (it has to be irritating the music box sound); and the lyrics go for honest reflection, but sound either made-up or something I can't say without people scrutinizing me for saying it (must eb the rap-singing and Lukas saying "Once I was (blank) years old" twice in some lines).
I can appreciate what the song is--an autobiographical track reflecting on childhood and growing to become what he is today, a rap-singer who one day become famous. But I don't love it. All the parts are perfect and in the right place, but the execution doesn't sit well with me. And I've heard songs like this before, and I don't think this would be a favorite.
--

"One Call Away" - Charlie Puth
Ugh.

Okay, not Ugh. This is actually a better song for him. Yes, I'm saying this despite his abomination of a debut single "Marvin Gaye", but even taking the latter away, this is way better. His high-pitched voice isn't as high-pitched and whiny as in "See You Again", and the plot (doing your best to be a great friend to a shy, mousy girl) is kinda heartwarming, if not really sappy.
There are a couple minor annoyances:
-The line "Superman ain't got nothin' on me" irritates the crap out of me (Hint Hint: No, he doesn't), and that's not including the times the chorus comes in the song.

This came close to cracking the Top 10 so far, and I'm actually happy about that. It's actually a good song by Puth and should've been true debut. Granted it wouldn't be a talked about as "Marvin Gaye", but...I don't care.
--

"I Know What You Did Last Summer"
Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello
What is this?

This song is about two people in a relationship pondering what the other is doing, and trying to pry the truth out. The thing is...

There is so much wrong with this.
1) Camila Cabello, who I think is the worst member of Fifth Harmony (a bad girl group in and of itself). She doesn't have a great voice, which sounds robotic and uninteresting. She tries so hard to have a cutesy, baby-like voice like Ariana Grande; but Ariana does it better, as Camila ends up sounding on the level of a kitten screeching in a boiler room.
2) The writing, which tries to explore a dark aspect of infidelity in a relationship, but ends up straight hokey.
3) The vocals of both singers don't sound believable. They try to be convincing about the subject at hand, but I really don't buy it.

Also, the composition contains elements of Bill Withers' classic "Ain't No Sunshine", a way better song about heartbreak after a good relationship. Why? This wasn't needed, and I don't think even Bill Withers himself would be flattered with a writing credit on this.
Seriously. This song is terrible.
--

Here are six words you never expect to see: Mike Posner's back on the scene.
He's got a new song out called "I Took A Pill in Ibiza", and it's exactly what you think.

At first, it seems that Posner wrote a more sad, personal track about the bad side of a music career. But then you realize he made "Cooler Than Me", "Bow Chicka Wow Wow" and--if A Dose of Buckley's "Ten Worst Songs of 2014" video is taken to consideration--"Top of the World"; he's never going to do that. Never going to try to put out his soul for everyone to hear and sing about a painful moment of his life he wants to get off his chest. (Hell, I would enjoy "7 Years" MORE than whatever mess he'd concoct here.)
He's sad that he's not popular anymore and to stay around, he gives up most of his material possessions and goes around the world to tell people who somehow still know him to not go where he went like a fricking after-school special. Boo-fucking-hoo.

Dude, you've done enough to get yourself into this. You were a novelty act with a few popular novelty songs. Then your time went up and everyone went to the next novelty. Now you made a song about downing a drug you didn't know was by some manic fan you didn't know and felt shitty about it, expecting to feel sorry for you. Other famous singers wrote and released songs way more serious, powerful, heartbreaking and therefore better than this crap. And it isn't going to be the one to get you over the top. At least not here, as this became a big hit in Norway and the Netherlands (although that has to be because of the EDM version by SeeB which isn't that bad).

I can only wonder how this guy still has a career, when most of the songs he makes are crap, and charted like crap. Well, that line in the latter song "I could *fart* on the track and it still " proves it. I find it annoying that he's out in the world, not a care inside, doing whatever he wants, and making music that's uninteresting, soulless, shameless, unintentionally hilarious and undeserved of being hits.

Mike Posner...go away.
--

A "great princess" once brought unto us this rimesless phrase "Qu'ils mangent de la brioche"--when the village peasants have run out of bread--traditionally translated to "let them eat cake". I'm sure we of today would definitely eat cake to this next song, "Cake by the Ocean" by a band headlined by boy band veteran Joe Jonas, DNCE.

While this band has been a thing for a while now (since last September actually), I first officially met them during the broadcast of Grease: Live back last month. So I decided (days later) to play their EP SWAAY and check what they're about.

Their big hit currently is "Cake by the Ocean", which I first assumed was about a strange summer fling at the beach with more than just sandwiches and sody pop in the basket. And if a theory about that title--meaning "a slang term for 'sex on the beach'", which is thanks to the producers misunderstanding of the latter term--is true, it makes so much sense.

It's surprising I kept hearing this song in an ad for Sprint that I kept skipping on YT, and never realized it was their song. But hey, "better late than never", amirite?

But in all fairness, this song is awesome.
It's really fun, really wacky, really catchy and really sweet...like cake. The beat has an awesome funk and new wave groove that can create a perfect vibe the second it starts; the lyrics are goofy as fuck, but also works in continuing the vibe and are super catchy; and Jonas' vocals make it clear the guy is having the time of his life singing, just like the band is for playing it, and just like you will once you play it.
All of this is perfect for a good time..and any other time; just play it, and your mood is always on the up and up.

I believe this song could--can--will become a big hit come Springtime (already by the end of the month, it cracked the Top 10), and has some true potential to hold on through this Summer. I really think this song can and will be a big hit--it deserves to. And maybe just make my list of Best Pop/Indie Songs of 2016. Well, if I do one.
--

Coldplay has returned with another song with expansive and wonder-filled production and vocals from Chris Martin that will take you to another place in "Adventure of a Lifetime".

Honestly, this is one of their best singles in a while.
The beat--which sounds nothing like what they've usually did before--is mesmerizing. The elements of disco is a wonderful surprise and perfectly added. And Chris Martin Kratt's vocals perfectly blend in, giving off a vibe that he's having an amazing time while recording.
This song is very cheery for pop, very light for disco and very groovy for dance--and it all works. I know this track will become a hit later through the Summer.

---

It's funny we end one section with Coldplay, and start another with Drake, was we reach this month's picks of fuckin' chicks and suckin' dicks. It's time for...

Hip-Hop

starting with...

"Summer Sixteen" - Drake

Oh my God, this song is awesome.
The energy he gives is FIRE. He spits FIRE too. Those raps he spews just takes away all my reservations about this and his other songs and make me a true fan.
Just read all of these.
"To do what you couldn't do/
Tell Obama that my verses
Are just like the whips that he in,
They bulletproof"
-
"I coulda killed you the first time/
You don't have to try and say it louder nigga,
Trust, we heard you the first time/
It's nothing personal,
I would have done it to anyone/
And I blame where I came from,
And I blame all my day ones
You know Chubbs like Draymond/
You better off not saying nothing"
-
"All you boys in the new Toronto
Wanna be me a little
All your exes know I like my O's
With a V in the middle"
-
"How am I keeping it real
By keeping this shit to myself?
You was never gang, gang, gang, gang
You was never one of us
Had us fooled for a minute there
Now we done all grown up
But I'm better off anyway
Y'all never gonna finish Drake
Say you seeing 'bout it when you see me man
Y'all never home anyway"
-
"I used to wanna be on Roc-A-Fella
Then I turned into Jay"
DAAAAAMMMMNN.
(Also, the lines about his pool being bigger than Kanye West's was hilarious.)
Basically what he's saying is "I'm better than most of you, and y'all niggas ain't got a chance".
And quite frankly...I can believe him on that.
Hot, witty, quirky raps, the speed like a NASCAR driver at the Indy 500, the cockiness of Kanye (with even less of the ego), and the return factor that makes him even better.o
Yes, I think Drake is even better than ever ("Started from the Bottom" definitely aside.)
, , And the way he says the line "Lookin' for Reveeeeenge" was corny (but a good kind of corny), but also really catchy.
This has a big mixtape vibe (thanks to the beat--a slowed-down sample of "Glass Tubes" by Brian Bennett and-of all things-"The Question Is" by The Winans [the comments on both linked videos is unbelievable]), but is perfect for the radio. I'd definitely turn this song up anywhere I am.

Brag songs in general annoy me a bit, but honestly I can get behind a Drizzy brag song.
If when he said "I take any skeptic and turn 'em to a believer" to you then, you really wouldn't believe him.
If Views from the 6 is anything like this, I'd so cop it--illegally of course.
--

This, though, I wouldn't give to my worst enemy. He'd probably like it.

This is "Best Friend" by ... Young Thug.

...and I don't wanna play this shit.

And this...

isn't the only reason why.
Being John Malkovitch, the video is not.
--
And speaking of shitty music videos trying to emulate what partially made the 1999 film a masterpiece...

Here's "Watch Out"--by the Young Thug of 2013, 2 Chainz. A questionable song in its own right

To be honest though, the difference, between these videos, is this one is intentionally absurd, and because of that, it's actually kinda funny. And the song, despite sounding like the background music on a Wii game, isn't that bad. Sure, it's a bragging song, but the humor in it shouldn't be something that you can't angry over. And it get on my nerves, but but doesn't go off the deep end.
I still don't like 2 Chainz, and would avoid him on many costs--And I despise Young Thug, and would avoid him at all costs.
--


--


--
This next song, "Antidote" by Travi$ Scott is a big opposite.


Despite the extremely obnoxious use of Auto-Tune, the annoying lines about taking your girlfriend, popping pills, haters and their incessant hating and the many lines about "the nightshow" (including just "the nightshow")... I can handle this one. Mostly because of the beat.

That's it. Just the beat.
--
"$ave Dat Money" - Lil Dicky feat. Rich Homie Quan & Fetty Wap
This has to be a joke. (Okay, it is, but still...)

And he's white. Honestly I thought that was a shitty black rapper just now getting famous. But, nope.
Shouldn't you guys condemn him for stealing the right to take on our genre, and make shit like this? But, honestly, this is kinda funny. This song tries to be a more raunchier version of "Thrift Shop"--saving money by doing very tightwad-y things to either save or stretch a dollar, and in its form, largely succeeds.
Dicky's lines...are pretty funny, and I can get through the annoying voice, showing this is to be funny.

On the other hand, there's the featured artists--Rich Homie Quan and Fetty Wap, still mumbling their way through bullshit to the bank. Really. Even with a song parody about not doing such things, they still can't go through it without mentioning the paper, fuckin' bitches and some shit. Hell, he even mentions that in Quan's voice, and cuts it short. (Good, that guy is creepy as fuck.)

I also find it ironic that this song about saving money from mundane ways of blowing it away, features rappers who rap about doing such things and have rapper names that indicate such.

But anyway, I like this song. It grew on me, and I can get with it. Just yes to Dicky no to Quan and Fetty, though.

---

Okay washing my hands of the mostly bullshit, let's get to...

Country

where we have some newcomers to the charts, all making measly gains in 80s section after a couple weeks of life.


Kicking off this genre section, we have Chris Young and Cassadee Pope teaming up for "Think of You", a song about what used to be and what is broken now in a relationship.

In terms of vocals, both artists have a twang in their voices that almost make the lyrics indecipherable. Also, speaking of "empty space", there isn't much chemistry going on here between the two; I actually feel empty space between their vocals. And it's not just them recording their vocals, and the mixers put them together. Plus, the production is pretty bland; the muffled drums, weak guitars, no bass, and not enough punch or drive to show. I know that it's hard to move on after a strong close kinship, but this song doesn't really show it.
But despite all that--and the used up trope of the way things were and what they are now, This song is just fine. Mediocre, but fine.

Also, if my friends ask me about my ex, I'd rather just tell them we broke up and just move on from it. "If you wanna go see her, go ahead. Just stop thinking of us being together, you weird fucks!"
--

And if their situation ever continued into one like this, as shown in Dierks Bentley's "Somewhere on a Beach", the girl deserved to leave.

Really? Fucking really?? Do you really need to brag your ass off to your ex about how you found a new girl that is seemingly better than her? Do you realize that you and this girl are in a relationship just fir the fuck of it? No, not for love or emotions or a kinship. Just " she goes to the clubs and party, she got a hotter body, she's much more fun, she's a great drinker, she fucks me great"--blah blah blah. This is disgustingly obnoxious and painfully hilarious.
The tone on Bentley's vocals sounds embarrassingly cocky and arrogant, and the lyrics try to paint the ex as the bad guy; when it only makes her look she's just the used car in Dierks car garage of relationships and the new girl is the hot new sports car. But I can't see this, because he's acting like a huge smarmy lame asshole douche mocking her by showing off his new lover like a trophy--which I think she is portrayed. And all this makes me feel sorry for the ex, because there is nothing in this song that she's done as the reason as to why she and Bentley broke up and he's off railing the hot alcoholic freak of his new chick.
Plus, the production doesn't match the tone and lyrics at all.
It calls for "the end of a relationship, and it's hard to move on but it's time for a drink at the bar", but the producers didn't realize the lyrics call for "the end of a relationship...it's time for a drink with some slut that has good pussy and smoking hot tits, so forget that other girl and fuck her".
Yeah...this song is morally bankrupt ans boring as hell.
In short, it's a country-fied "Hotline Bling" with more clarity and a new girl thrown in.
FUCK THIS SONG.
--
Tim McGraw is back (possibly again), and he seems grateful, humble and kind for how far he's become in life thanks to the people who brought him there life with..."Humble and Kind".

I like this one. The soft, slow, yet rising, stirring and powerful production just moves mountains for the concept--which, while small, works wonders. McGraw looks back on his life and feel grateful for the lessons and messages of wisdom from family (especially his grandma) and the people in his life for supporting him throughout his endeavors in life. What else there is to say? I like it.

---
Okay, I usually don't listen to gospel songs voluntarily in my life. Usually, my mom turns on to the stations where we live and they're on for hours. No changing the dial, it's all we can hear. I didn't mind it when I was a kid, because I actually enjoyed them. But as I got older my like and enjoyment dwindled significantly. There were more songs I didn't listen to than songs I did want to listen to. But understandably, that's because most of them are repetitive in their topic and try so hard to be relevant and down with the young ones.
But last year was the year when I had to be disgusted with contemporary gospel music, because most of them try so hard to pander to a different crowd. The young crowd that likes hip-hop. Yeah, really.
These songs sound so terrible being two different things at the same time. And being two different things THAT SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER!! One example is Erica Campbell's "I Luh God"
(and no, that's not a typo. That's how it's written)

This song tries so hard to be hip with the young crowd by making everything this way.
Starting with this awful beat is trash. This light piano melody and trap percussion is just laughable. Even DJ Mustard could giggle at this gunk.
Then comes Erica's vocals. I listened to a lot of Mary Mary songs when I was a kid, and I always noticed that both ladies have spectacular voices. Listen to "Shackles", "Get Up", "I'm Walking" and "God in Me" and you'll see how amazing she is when she sings. Here, this is just embarrassing.
Trying to act like a gansta rapper with your vocals (or whatever the heck that is) makes you like a joke, especially compared to your previous singles.
And the lyrics are even worse. Mixing lyrics about our Lord and Savior with the mannerisms of a rapper is just pure garbage juice. And those aforementioned other songs are way better at being hip-hop-ish than this.
And then, there's the video, which looks like a parody of rap songs while being as pure as possible, but this is serious. All of this is hilarious: A woman with a large wig, a lit-up E, a girl wearing a hat tagged "Selfie", a car, and all other nonsense that just screams something Funny or Die would make up. Maybe a comedy skit at the Dove Awards (a ceremony honoring Gospel music) like Taylor Swift's "Thug Story" for the CMT Music Awards. (I wish) And back to DJ Mustard, there's even a fat black guy in the clip who looks like him, shouting "Love im, I love im" over and over, which is extremely annoying.
All of this make this song inexcusable Gospel. And I understand who would like this, but I don't understand why they would like this.
She had this to say in an online interview:

"They're used to (me) very pulled up and polished and singing 'Yesterday' and 'Help.' But, I just wanted to have fun, declare my love for God and at the same time reach an audience that I think the gospel community sometimes ignores. There is Christian hip-hop but I feel that more Caucasian children gravitate to it. So, I figured, you're my people so, let me get with my folks!"

"You're my people. Let me get with my folks."
Most of your folks would not like this. And they would laugh at this.
Erica, you're great at being polished and pulled up. It shows you have a wonderful voice and spirit, and that you can make great contemp. Gospel music. But if you're going to make crap like this, I won't see you as one of the best at this genre. Fortunately, this is only one song.

Well? Ehh. I really enjoyed some songs, but I was only overwhelmed in a few places. There is a lot to be happy about production wise, but I couldn't overlook some blandness and uninspired tripe in the writing.
-Pop has really expanded, dusting off a few old genres and making them new again, and digging deeper into others, which I do appreciate.
-Rap is still shit, filled with lines worthy of jail or a shooting range and beats worthy of an online third-party beat-making website or app.
-Country still has the mentality of morally-absent rappers (in some places) and boring beats that make you pass out then feel like you've been molested. ("Humble and Kind" is pretty good.)
-And stay away from whatever the hell genre "I Luh God" is. Or, to make it easier, stay away from Contemporary Gospel entirely.

And that does it for another month. See you all soon.

Ronda Rousey Considered Suicide...For Losing One Match

Now I have another reason to call Round Rousey a hot-headed twat.
Or at least, from now on, just a twat.

During an appearance on Ellen this week, the extremely-popular UFC fighter got into even more hot water for a painful reveal: after her embarrassing loss to Holly Holm at UFC 193, she contemplated committing suicide.
Here's the clip in full from Degeneres' Ellentube video service.

"What am I anymore, if I'm not this?"

I never been a fan of Rousey's, but now I like her even less.
You considered killing yourself...because you lost a UFC match.
You poor sweetheart.

But seriously, who the fuck do you think you are?! Wanting to take your life because you lost a match to an equally-talented female fighter who kicked your ass fair and square?! Is your ego so inflated that your brain cannot except common sense, grace, confliction and self-worth? And then when giving a reason as to why you just had to change your mind and stay with us...you said, "I want to have his babies." You basically said that you want to stay on Earth to rope a guy into bearing his children.
Wow, he has to feel honored for that. Ugh.

I understand that--for whatever reason, when being a fighter you sometimes must be an egotistical, hard-headed asshole and and mock and troll your opponents; that drives up intensity and drama between you and the other fighter for the match. That's what everyone excepts. But other times, you have to have true sportsmanship and grace, so that you can accept a loss every once in a while, and you won't look even more than like an egotistical, hard-headed asshole.

Who the hell are you to say that you want to kill yourself for such a mundane, asinine reason, while there are many other people who have even more horrible situations they have going on and much more horrible (even believable) reasons to commit.

Ronda, I'm so happy Holly Holm knocked you out at UFC 193, because you deserve to get knocked back down to Earth with some sense, awareness and humility. Watching you act like a complete bitch--not only to every one of your colleagues, but also to many others--makes me sick. And this obnoxious behavior a lot of people, like me, watch come out of you annoys me to no end. So after this, this had to make so many people stop standing behind you.

In all seriousness:
Yes, considering suicide is a horrible thing, nearly as much as actually doing it. And if there was another reason to do it, I'd actually feel sorry for her. And I'm even happy she didn't actually do it. But because of the fact that she wanted to take her own life for an L in her career (not many-but one), I feel very inclined to call her out on this bullshit and not take her crocodile tears seriously. It's one thing to feel hurt about losing something that isn't a life, but it's damn well definitely another to lose a life (whether or not it's yours) for losing something, and that is just deplorable.
She wanted our sympathy for losing a martial arts match, and she ain't gonna get it.

And I thought hosting SNL was a bad thing for her.
Ronda Rousey...bye.

Toony Tuesday 2016: Nature Cat

Hey, guys. I'm Andrew, and I'm gonna fill you in on a little secret:
...I like to watch cartoons.
It may be weird to do this, but I think it’s really not. Sure, the content is more in line for kids, and as an adult I shouldn’t watch them at all, but they kinda resonate with me (and all of us) too. They feature topics, stories and characters that we can relate to and feel like they are just like us,
always drawing us in even years after it's end.
Now, that I feel much more comfortable, I have something else to say.
I like to watching cartoons...for little kids. I know it’s a kinda weird thing, but they're so good, not only in teaching young viewers the lessons in school-level subjects, they're also very funny too--like for adults funny too. Even after high school I still watch; it's like comfort food to me. And I can't get enough.

Case in point...let’s now talk about America’s favorite cat.


No, not Piano Cat.


Not Grumpy Cat.


Not Felix the Cat.


Not even Gluten Cat.

I’m talking about the titular character of PBS Kids’ newest series (and the subject of this edition of Toony Tuesday), Nature Cat!

God, this is catchy as hell.

Nature Cat, created by Adam Rudman, David Rudman and Todd Hannert, follows a house cat named Fred, who day in and day out refuses the responsibilities of staying indoors scratching on stuff and relieving on litter, and instead takes on the bigger, bolder and braver trek outside of home and into the wide outdoors, in turn teaching viewers about nature and the things in between.

When I first heard of this series, it was just before Thanksgiving. I was preparing for appearing at the Thanksgiving Day Parade, when the TV was on WHYY, and I saw a promo. It looked interesting and had some enjoyable scenes, so I was intrigued. Then I forgot about it. But after Thanksgiving, I was lucky to watch the special preview, which aired on November 25, 2015 after a special episode of Wild Kratts.

Another thing, PBS Kids hyped the hell out of this show. Not one show would end (or even START) without the service airing a promo for it. Whether it be a sneak peek of a scene or a normal generic promo, they would air into and out of another show in the two months after the official preview. They even announced a hour-long special to officially kick it off.
It’s as if they want everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) to watch this show from the start to end.
And it was annoying… But somehow, my interest towards never waned. It’s a really fun series.

So here’s my (admittedly short) review of Nature Cat in general:
It’s a fun, exciting and enjoyable series, with some really good teachings of nature thrown in. Yeah, it’s a show about a cat showing his love of nature to us, but I didn’t get much of that vibe. It’s more like “A talking cat version of Robin Hood and his dog, rabbit and mouse friends go on funny adventures in the forest, and--oh yeah, there’s also some stuff we’ll say about nature too.”
I don’t know if that’s intentional, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing to me, because I enjoy the it either way.

What I enjoy the most is the characters (and especially their voices).
They are the best part of this show. Their kinship, chemistry, and shared love and enjoyment of exploring nature and the funny moments from them make the show a really good experience to me. And yeah, I’m an adult, but I can’t help but enjoy it for what it is. Also, no one’s gonna tell me what I can and can’t watch, so nyeah! to you.

-Hal may be an empty-headed dog, but I consider that kinda charming; and he’s also sweet, funny and a very good pal to Fred, despite their different species.
-Squeaks is a very energetic (if not straight-up crazy) and over-eager mouse.
-Daisy is a more introverted, but very forward-thinking rabbit who is always there and happy to help lend a helping hand--err, paw.
-And Fred is a hammy, yet happy-go-lucky and openly-interested feline with a curious thirst for nature and enjoying it...even if he has nothing going for him in regards to nature. Literally, no instincts whatsoever. Dude straight-up bad bad luck toward nature. His natural cat instincts, though, won't stop him from doing what loves: going outside, getting nature and doing discoveries.
This ragtag group of warm-blooded characters are what this series needed to be good.
And their voice actors bring them to life, and make it even more amazing.
Naure Cat Fred is voiced by Taran Killam in pretty much the most hammiest, hyper-est yet kindest and coolest voice acting he's ever done yet. I’m aware that some people may find it annoying, but I, very well enjoy it; heck, I even find it endearing.
You’d be surprised of the many times I’ve said “Onward and Yonward!” and “Tally Ho!” to myself since watching the preview.
And speaking of Killam, it’s funny how I truly enjoyed his performance as Nature Cat, when I never knew it was him until halfway through. When watching the preview in bed, I immediately recognized the voice from the start, but I couldn't put my finger on it...and then asked myself “Is that Taran Killam?? That IS Taran Killam!”
As for Bobby Moynihan and Kate Micucci, the respected voices of Hal and Daisy, I immediately knew they were their characters’ voices the second I heard them. And it took me until the end credits to learn that Kate McKinnon was the voice of Squeaks, which baffled me at this point. Also, Kenan Thompson makes recurring appearances as Nature Cat's enemy Ronald the Cat. Seriously.
Here are interviews with the cast on their characters.
It's baffling.




The point I'm mentioning all this is because this series has more than one Saturday Night Live cast member starring in this series, you’d actually think it was co-produced by Lorne Michaels. It's...distressingly hilarious.

Anyway, I think this series could be a success (even if PBS rarely ever does release ratings on the PR front), and can last a long while (not forever, but a few seasons). I really like it, as yet another PBS Kids series that is just amazing on the education front AND entertainment front, and I’ll find this appointment television (whether every afternoon or in a binge watch-athon on the website and app).
You guys don’t have to watch it, and I won’t suggest it...so, I guess I just wasted my time gushing over a little kids show.
Oh well, you live your life.

Thanks for joining me for this Surprise Review, and I’ll see you guys later.

Funday Friday: #58 -- Meet The Super Bowl Five

Hey, everyone. I would like for you to meet
Sylvan Schefler
Lew Rappaport
Al Schragis
Larry McDonald and
Harvey Rothenberg,
five great old friends who, 50 years ago, decided on a whim to go to a then-unknown sporting event called the World Championship Game. Since then, they haven't stopped going to the Big Game, later renamed the Super Bowl, appearing every year to this day.
Here's the story from Savannah Guthrie of NBC's Today.

Meet the five friends who have attended every single Super Bowl.
Posted by Today Show on Friday, February 5, 2016

This story is--and these guys are--simply awesome. Watching these old heads still together as pals half a century after their first Bowl (THE first Bowl) is seriously heartwarming, and their continued tradition of going to the big football event is something cool. Plus it's also awesome (and even a little hilarious) that they bring their own jackets, personalized rings and even bathrobes to the cities of the games and going to the stands together, watching the most memorable plays and outcomes, and seeing the equally memorable Halftime Shows in between. It's absolutely amazing to see these guys get spotlighted for their cool tradition, so much so it makes me cry.

Also, the NFL will recognize these guys during the event! They will get a small commemoration before the game, as mentioned by Guthrie at the end of the clip. Awesome job by the League for giving this celebration and congrats to the Super Bowl Five for their fifty years of attending the Super Bowl year after year, super cool friends they are.

I never went to the Super Bowl before, but if I ever would when I'm older, I would bring some of my friends with me. Maybe we'd start a tradition then (that is if we don't go to a Comic-Con instead).

The not-so-FineBros.: YouTube Stars Come Close to Creating "React World" & Trademark "React", Become Lazy Hacks in the Process (with Hayden Silbermann)

Hey, everyone. Andrew here.
The post you're about to read is a collaborative post by me and my good friend Hayden Silbermann from Geeks + Gamers.
Our post is our opinions (or reactions) the announcement by theFineBros. creating ReactWorld and the backlash from controversy. I hope you enjoy it.
Any potentially offensive terminology mentioned in any of the below videos are of the YouTubers themselves and absolutely do not necessarily represent any of our views, which are in written form.
And a big thank you to Hayden for joining me for this.
Enjoy...

Andrew: The Fine Bros., one of YouTube’s biggest and brightest personalities.

Their “React” franchise videos are extremely popular, garnering millions of views in each clip of each franchise, making them millions of dollars richer and one of the most popular and successful personalities of the Internet era.
It’s too bad the guys and their videos suck, are devoid of creativity and entertainment, and have no tact, grace, soul or kindness.

Hayden: Frankly, there was a time I found them funny. They had some relatively humorous cartoons and quick summaries of films, TV shows, and whatnot. The Kids React videos were even a bit cute… for a while. Then, they realized how popular those were getting and started milking the cash cow for all it was worth. Teens React, Elders React, YouTubers React… it began getting ridiculous.

A: And I’ve never seen their videos (hell, I’ve never even seen their faces til this point), but I had recognized their success and popularity, as they at least deserved all of it at first. Then this happened…

On January 26, Benny and Rafi announced a plan to trademark the word “React” and license their video franchise concept to other people around the world on a website called “React World”.

At first when I read about the React World announcement, I rolled my eyes and thought “Who would want to make a video doing the exact same thing these two men do?”, “Who would watch them?” and even more so “What good would come from this? It’s not like they would make money from this, especially some money from them. (or so I thought, as I later learned they DO get paid for their contributions)”. And when Hayden showed me the article of the trademark plans, I got furious. So furious, I didn’t even know how much fury could exerted.

And I get mad a lot.

Also, there's this spat they did against Ellen DeGeneres, claiming she stole their "concept" for a joke on her talk show in 2014 asking kids to discuss technology from the last century.

Uhh, hello? She didn't sit them down in front of a screen and watch videos of old technology products! She showed them those things up close.
It's not even close. That riled me up even more.

Fortunately, Hayden helped calm me down by showing me some things that make true cruel fun of them. Look no further to start than this video. It’s a parody of their entertainment “empire” by a guy named “psychicpebbles”.

While the video on people reacting theFineBros themselves never happened, it’s still spot-on and prophetic in that they still make React videos on any group of people watching a video and giving reactions on it. It’s still a thing.

H: And this reaction video by MrRepzion, which includes an "update" from Benny and Rafi, which is not only brutally rage-filled and, but is also awesome.

A: If anything, theFineBros. never really were one channel I’d definitely keep my close tabs on. But after this...no. I don’t think I’ll ever even think about thinking about them.

H: This completely ruined their image. They showed their true colors and paid the price for it in their loss of subscribers. (Check that hilarity out here) No amount of backpedaling or disingenuous, half-assed apologies will make up for this fiasco. I can bet that they’ve been having incredibly restless nights for the past couple of days. They try to hide behind their seeming “nice guy” nature, but they are complete scum. Plain and simple.

A: Agreed. If theFineBros ever need to try to expand their network again (which will probably be never), they need to remember the biggest blunder of the Internet, when they tried to screw people out of the “hard work and effort” for their own, making more money and coming close to making the biggest media pile of shit ever.

Hello,

We’re here to apologize.

We realize we built a system that could easily be used for wrong. We are fixing that. The reality that trademarks like these could be used to theoretically give companies (including ours) the power to police and control online video is a valid concern, and though we can assert our intentions are pure, there’s no way to prove them.

We have decided to do the following:

1. Rescind all of our “React” trademarks and applications.*

2. Discontinue the React World program.

3. Release all past Content ID claims.**

The concerns people have about React World are understandable, and that people see a link between that and our past video takedowns, but those were mistakes from an earlier time. It makes perfect sense for people to distrust our motives here, but we are confident that our actions will speak louder than these words moving forward.

This has been a hard week. Our plan is to keep making great content with the help of our amazing staff. Thank you for your time and for hearing us out.

Sincerely,

Benny and Rafi Fine

H: One issue with this apology was that it wasn’t even in a video…

A: Another is that they haven’t even addressed the controversy in the way we expected.

H: One thing I’ve noticed unfortunately is a lot of antisemitism in their criticism. As awful as they are, they do not deserve slurs or epithets of any kind. While they are seemingly perpetuating the “greedy Jew” stereotype (I know it’s not true; don’t worry), it’s not cool at ALL to say the things they’re saying.

A: Absolutely. What they did was wrong, but do they really need to be called such cruel names like that? I swear, people can be much bigger assholes than the assholes we’re talking about.

In the end, theFineBros are one of the most egotistical, money-hungry, self-serving and pathetic YouTube personalities ever, and they previously weren’t as hated as iJustine, Smosh, ShayTards, Fred Figglehorn and Shane Dawson (God, I despise that guy.)

My sincere thanks to Hayden Silbermann for joining me for this dual crossover post.
I deeply appreciate, dude.

Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards 2016 Nominations: My Thoughts (Yeah, I'll Still Be Watching)

Hey everyone! Andrew here with some exciting (late) news.
The nominations for the 29th annual Kids' Choice Awards have arrived!
They were announced this morning, and I checked them out. Of course I was flustered and angered, but I was also surprised and happy for a few nominees (including one that left me lockjawed and crying for joy.) So I went to the website, and checked out which actors, shows, movies, athletes, books and games lucky enough to be chosen this year. And SpongeBob. There are also a few new categories this year, and they bring some new confusion. So let's trek into them with my opinions, shall we? (The noms I chose to win are in bold.)

B.o.B vs. Neil deGrasse Tyson: Epic Rap Battle of Geology

Remember B.o.B.? Of course you don't.
But after this, you can forget his total existence again.

The rapper went to controversy (which he doesn't even deserve) last weekend when he said that our home planet Earth is flat, jumping into the age-old discussion: "is the Earth round or flat?". he made his point by tweeting various pictures of random places that may show horizonal lines all over the place.

Here they are:

Once you go flat, you never go back

— B.o.B (@bobatl) January 26, 2016

The cities in the background are approx. 16miles apart... where is the curve ? please explain this pic.twitter.com/YCJVBdOWX7

— B.o.B (@bobatl) January 25, 2016

But someone (along with many others) doesn't agree with BoB's opinions and theories.
Neil deGrasse Tyson , famed astrophysicist, revealed his differing thoughts with this group of tweets (remember, he sounded calm and rational):

@bobatl Earth's curve indeed blocks 150 (not 170) ft of Manhattan. But most buildings in midtown are waaay taller than that.

— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) January 25, 2016

@bobatl Polaris is gone by 1.5 deg S. Latitude. You’ve never been south of Earth’s Equator, or if so, you've never looked up.

— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) January 25, 2016

But...instead of talking with the coolest stargazer since Jack Horkheimer and discuss the question like real respectful and interested men, BoB hits right back, showing not only he wasn't amused, but also continued to look like a pompous ass douche, with this: a freestyle song dissing deGrasse Tyson and the people who don't believe what he believes. It's called "flatline".


And if those tweets and the diss rap haven't given the naysayers any second thought, or the attention of a hyper-active attention-seeking ass dolt, he has a message to them that shows them the social media door.

if my tweets are rattling the tiny little cages of your reality ... the unfollow button is right there

— B.o.B (@bobatl) January 23, 2016

I never followed you anyway, but after that tone of tweet, I don't think I will, thank you very much

But that wasn't the end (thank God) because deGrasse Tyson struck right back with a diss of his own, and it's actually really good. This is called "Flat to Fact", with rapper Tyson (that's his name, yes.) who did the rapping for him.

Dear @bobatl, as an astrophysicist I don’t rap, but I know people who do. This one has my back: https://t.co/BbMi4tzHLz

— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) January 26, 2016

Listen to that; it's fiya.


You know what? I don't think this is something some random rapper would say on a normal day. This is clearly something he would do to get attention. And with the picked fight with deGrasse Tyson, I'd say this was the biggest showing for attention this decade so far. Especially also acting like dickweed to everyone who doesn't share his beliefs.

If, say...uh, Dermot Mulroney wanted to pick a fight with anyone else for any reason--well, I'd think he was being an asshole then, but I wouldn't say he was trying to desperate enough get attention. A lot of us all know who he is, and he can get into any show if he wanted. Ha has a lot more star power and talent to prove it.

B.o.B. on the other hand isn't someone we all know.
...Or at least, used to be someone we all know.
He was a very talented rapper/producer who made some very good and memorable songs like "Nothin' on You" with Bruno Mars, "Airplanes" with Paramore's Hayley Williams and "Magic" with Weezer's River Cuomo. Then after that, and a later single "Both of Us" with Taylor Swift, B.o.B. kinda...fell off...the earth. (heh)

His later albums and singles were part of a transition phase for Bobby Ray. He was no longer a mainstream rapper who deserved his success. He became a trap/crunk/true hip-hop rapper no one knows of or cares about. I bet you dollars to donuts if you can remember a song he made after the aforementioned songs. You can't; because he fell straight into obscurity like a true sell-out should.

As for Tyson, I admit--I've never heard of him until an episode of Martha Speaks in 2012, (Yes, I watch a kids' show. Shut up.) and yet I still remember and respect him dearly to this day. And when he brought his evidence, which could've been anything at this point, I knew he would this undeserved battle. It was over, one and done, just go home and end the celebration.

(He also gives theories on the Moon Landing and human cloning, but who cares?)

Listen, Bobby, you can believe whatever you want. You can believe that the Earth is flat; that's fine. It's been a part of the age-old discussion. But trying to support your belief with mindless conspiracy theory videos on YouTube and random picture showing nice places during the twilight hour of sunset just won't help your case. Especially when you're a rapper no one remembers after years of deserved novelty success now churning out ghetto-based garbage no one outside of the ghetto will listen to. And when Neil DeGrasse Tyson came in and told you case isn't helpful enough, you should've quit while you were ahead. That freestyle song was just dragging your carcass further.

And especially if you're facing against one of the most well-known, beloved and even divisive science-based personalities ever.

BoB, keep looking up, because what how high your relevance is.
Can't go high enough? Don't keep going. It's not worth it.