Friday, March 06, 2015

Short/Long Album Review: The End


Hey, everybody. Can I tell you something, please?

This is a first and something big for me and the Maroon Mondays blog, as I’m usually known for my thoughts on the big news of the day and sometimes for reviewing songs and TV shows. Most notably, back in November, I’ve reviewed Cartoon Network’s first (and critically-acclaimed) mini-series Over the Garden Wall. This was the first time outside of 1 Season Wonder that I reviewed a television series. I also reviewed its’ haunting and beautifully amazing music in a special edition of Short/Long Music Review. So, why am I mentioning the series?

Well, this big project of mine is reviewing albums; not just one song at a time, but full blown LPs. I call it Short/Long Album Review. I’ll probably do this on a more scarce basis than Short/Long Music Review, meaning once every three months or so, maybe longer that. I’ve been thinking of doing this album review since the day I first heard this it. And that was almost two weeks ago.
For now, let’s get started, shall we?

The album I am reviewing is The End by Patrick McHale.
You may have recognized this name before; he’s the creator of the aforementioned Over the Garden Wall, and also previously worked on The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack and Adventure Time (all of which aired on Cartoon Network). So basically, he’s a really good animator.

But what you didn’t know about him is that he’s also a musician. And after listening to this record, he’s a damn good one at that. How so? He wrote and composed almost all the songs on the album (with the lone song being “Death Come Slow”, which was mostly composed by Isaac Giuseppe).

The End is an album consisting of demos McHale written between 2005 and 2006, and recorded between 2007 and 2009. The record was never in line with its intentionally planned state, and McHale never did perfect the album before release. He released the compilation on February 22, 2015, on his page on Bandcamp as what you hear today. And yet, it still sounds perfect for a legitimate album. This one is a concept of haunting, fuzzy, and scary, yet beautiful, titillating and pleasing music that explains why OTGW was so great musically.

(Also, I’m not great at telling which instruments are played in this record, so I’m guessing by ear. I apologize if you think this makes the review a little more sloppy.)
So let’s get started, shall we?



The first track is “Be Still”, an instrumental involving whistles and guitar work.
When it started, I knew what I was getting into, but as the record continued, I realized that I actually didn’t. The soft banjo work, the quiet, echoing whistles and the use of wind effects in the background work perfectly together, and really take me to a dark, dreary place. A place you’ll stay in for a minute, but you’ll never want to leave.
--
And this “dark-and-dreary-ness” continues in the next track, “Death Come Slow”, which, from the moment I first heard this (along with the rest of the album), I knew this would be one of my favorites. This is the first single involving McHale’s vocals (if you don’t ). The beat is absolutely amazing; I hear many instruments used here like Bass, Guitar, Banjo, Bells, ect.
I’m not sure exactly what is played here, but all of these just make the song work extremely well.
In fact, listening to this reminds of me of Over the Garden Wall, with the lush vocals, rough, not-really-inconsistent music, and faded background vocals really sound like a song that could play as a transition between scenes in a Chapter of the series.
--
Track #3 is very short, along with a name that’s a bitch to pronounce (and I assume that Pat had a hard time finding a title for it). It’s called "<><><>" (but I’ll call it “Enclosed”). Here is a small use of accordion layered with thunder clapping. It sounds really nice, and feels like you’re in a thunderstorm but you feel the sun shining through the clouds and the rays beaming in your face. Maybe it’s just me listening to it with my eyes closed in a lit-up room on a rainy day, but I feel much better much happier from it.
--
Straight after it is “Ain’t Shallow Enough”. This is another song that reminds me of Over the Garden Wall (which is why I love this one so much). The background vocals make the song shine bright (ironic as it sounds so dark, gloomy and dreary) and McHale’s vocals are just fantastic, even when they die down with the sound effect of wind chimes coming in. In fact, the use of wind chimes at the end is also a plus, as it not only fits with the tone of the song, but reminds me dearly of the start of the 1994 Spike Lee Joint my family watches all the time called Crooklyn. This is another of my favorites I’ll always listen every time I listen to it
--
Track #5 is “Man”, a track that gave me straight up chills and gets me very emotional every time I hear it. When I heard this song for the first time, I suddenly saw my past flash before my eyes. And I’ve mentioned before that my life isn’t that great. As the chorus reads
“You know it’s hard to be a Man/Your heavy breathing is hard to stand”
I closely identify with it, and realize that it really is hard to grow up to be a man, and if you were ever put in my shoes, you’d really see why. I love how as the track continues, McHale is joined by other singers singing the chorus alongside him. It adds to the sad, mopey sound it has going on, and makes for a very good exposition. And speaking of the exposition, damn. It’s very powerful and really helped me see a whole new perspective of what manhood is, and I can’t imagine how hard Pat had it when he grew up (if he did have a bad childhood; I don’t know much about him).
I’ll never know where life takes me from here as I grow up, but I can really thank this song for telling me that it’s not going to be easy.
But there is one thing that much less easier than that. It’s that the song suddenly ends (which is a damn shame, as I curiously wonder what that sounds) and segues to…
--
#6--”Good Luck
My name’s not Charlie, but I didn’t have much to work with this one.
I was surprised to notice that I reached a song I DIDN’T like with this one. Fortunately, I was already half way through the album to reach it. I really didn’t like the beat; the fuzzy, booming, choppy-as-hell beat is loud and ugly, that it sounds like a song recorded by Kanye West for his album Yeezus but didn’t make the cut. Also, I could barely hear the vocals of McHale and a female singer, which may or may not be the point in terms of the concept, depending on who you are. Plus after every other piece of verse features a sound that sounds like a distortion of a tiger roaring (or coughing up a hairball), and I really don’t like that. Plus the end is a loud boom that closes it that really hurts my ears, puts a very bad taste in my mouth and leaves me very uncomfortable. This is a very weak track, and one track will not listen at all when I play this record (probably unless I’m really angry and need to shut out the world.)
--
The next song, “Hair All in Knots” is slightly better than the previous. It’s a straight-up pop track with booming (in a good way this time) bass and a really super-cool beat that’s similar to some of the songs you heard on the radio in the past decade. And it’s a pop beat that I actually like better than many of the beats from those other songs. I like this way better than “Good Luck”, and I feel saddened and ashamed that this one is shorter than the former. Oh well, can’t fret too much; I didn’t produce these songs, and if I made them, I’d feel the exact way everyone else did when it was made, and keep it the same way.
--
Fortunately, there was comfort and relief ahead as we reach the next track, “Exhume”. This one is mostly music, and I was happy for this--not because Pat is a terrible singer, far from it--but because the smooth, amazing composition I heard. The soft, gentle, soothing, quiet organ (I think) sound is absolutely wonderful to the ears and the brain, and listening to it just feels like it takes me to another land. Another land of sunshine, pink clouds, fresh air, spring-grown trees, crystal blue waters and endless fun and happiness. All you can do is lay down under the shade and enjoy the day unfolding in front of you, and you want to stay forever. I also love this bumping noise throughout the bulk of the track; it’s a good thing the song wasn’t polished, because the noise makes it sound more authentic and fresh.
The song ends in a completely different piece, which I love just as much. In a way, this part is like the warning telling you it’s time to leave this other land and return to the real world.
I really love this song so much and definitely considered it one of my favorites from the start.
--
And finally we reach the last track on “The End” called...”The End”.
It’s a really small, but really sweet bonus track about sharing time with the one you love, like dancing. It’s a very nice track with a wonderfully solid beat. It’s not the best in the bunch, but is very cutesy enough to be one of my favorites.
In fact, the beat reminds me of the built-in music played on WebTV. You remember WebTV? It’s a device by MSN that brought the Internet (via a phone cord connection) to your TV. My family had a device when I was a child, and it was freaking awesome! It has music that plays when in use that I still have in my head after all these years, and this track brings back those memories.
I honestly enjoyed this song, and will find this in my head as one of those catchy, groovy songs that'll stay in my head for the rest of my life.

He says on the website for the album on Bandcamp that he apologizes for the rough recording quality and low volume; but in my opinion, I think that makes the album sound better in terms of the concept and sound. It can explain why my volume is at 100% on my computer every time I listen to it, but the rough, cracked quality just works in the record’s (and Pat’s) favor.

I apologize for all some sentences that say "I think" or "I’m not sure" in the song reviews; it’s because I’m not entirely sure what instruments were used in these songs. Since McHale never mentions what instruments were used on the album, besides what was used in “Death Come Slow”, and the use of sounds found in the public domain, I had to figure out what was used just from my limited knowledge of instruments, and it doesn’t do much help as it seems. But it doesn’t matter, as, to me, makes the album work even more. The mysterious nature of the music and the unknown state of the list of instruments makes the concept and nature of the record work so well and establish it as a fantastic collection of demos.

Another tidbit about the record is that it was originally titled “Be Still Thy Roots Beneath the Soil” (a really awesome name on its’ own). From that, it gives the concept much more meaning. and makes it sound much cooler, even if it isn’t the official title. To be honest, it really makes The End look and sound basic and generic in comparison, even though the latter isn’t that bad a title.

Pat also revealed that really didn’t want to add in the title track in the final cut (which explains the inclusion as a bonus track), but did so anyway as a joke referring to the fact that it was the final track. Either way, I really wouldn’t mind if this or “Exhume” ended the album; these are both really good songs to end it on.

I wish the album was finished and sold as a true album; I would’ve enjoyed this a little bit more than I had here, but I'd still love it as much as I had as a demos record. The songs may seem like demos, but to me, there’s so much more to them. They’re unfinished masterpieces with their own style and flavor, yet cohesive and tight-knit enough to tell a story, and a really good story at that. I enjoyed every track (Yes, even “Good Luck”) on this album enough to listen to it three times in a row when Pat released it on February 22, and I’ve been listening to it (and closely enjoying it) ever since. As I said at the start, Patrick McHale is a damn good animator and a damn good musician, and I really want to check out his other music on Bandcamp. And I really love to listen to any new material he down the road someday.

Consider me a fan. A...Pat-head if you will.

The End is a really haunting, yet beautiful album to listen to and I highly recommend it. As far as albums go, I’ll give it a rating of 4/5, but just barely. But as far as demo CDs go, I’m giving it a 5/5. I’ve never listen to demo CDs before, so this is the first, and it’s a really great start.

Well, guys, thank you all for joining me for the first ever edition of Short/Long Album Review. It's been a lot if hard work, but I'm glad to reach this point in the blog's history to do this. See you...whenever, when I find another album to review. Hopefully you guys can help me with this. See you next time!!

Funday Friday: #9--Wheel of MisForturne: Sneezy or Sneeky

Now, one of my all-time favorite shows is Wheel of Fortune. I love watching contestants spin the wheel, solve puzzles, and win money and prizes. It's one of the most fun, thrilling, enjoyable and amazing game shows (and TV shows) ever!

But in the past few seasons, some contestants have been considered memorable by viewers and fans...but for the wrong reasons. You see, when contestants solve the puzzle, they sometimes get it wrong. Not a big deal. But in a few cases, they get it so wrong (like mispronounce a word or the whole puzzle--or get an easy puzzle wrong, when everyone else got it right), they end up in infamy...and laughingstocks on Social Media.

Take for example, this puzzle from an episode that aired this week when -- of -- wanted to solve this puzzle from "Characters" involving the names of the title characters from Disney's ever-immortal classic Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
You guys can pretty much know what their names are just from looking at the Paused mode before playing the clip.



Apparently, it was that hard to remember all seven names. Oh well. By the way, "Sneaky" has an E and A, not two Es as it was clearly shown on the board. So, you are not all that forgiven, Boo Boo Kitty.

No doubt, there will be more fails to come, so stay tuned, folks.

Special SLMR: Birthday


Hey everyone. Welcome to a special edition of Short/Long Music Review, where I review certain songs on the day of my birth, and today I review a few songs that have the word "birthday" in the title. But here's the thing: they have close to nothing about birthdays. The first is about helping your significant other feel better after a crap day...by making him dance...and make him eat "cake".
It's "Birthday" by Katy Perry.



I heard you're feeling, nothing's going right/
Why don't you let me stop by?
The clock is ticking, running out of time/
So we should party--all--night

--Yeeeaaah, I don't think partying is gonna help a guy be happy on a crap day like this. The least he could do is knock a guy out or

So cover your eyes,
I have a surprise
I hope you got a healthy appetite

Oh you better hope so. Because there's no way he'll say no to a cake, some dancing and an irresistible orgasm. Except one thing: he will.
If you wanna dance,
If you want it all
You know that I'm the girl that you should call

Katy, don't you get it? He doesn't want to dance; he doesn't want cake; and maybe he'll eat you out, but I'm pretty sure he's too tired to give in to crazy demands.

Boy, when you're with me, I'll give you a taste
Make it like your birthday everyday/
I know you like it sweet, So you can have your cake
Give you something good to celebrate

Well, it seems nice that she's doing something as nice and caring as this. It's really nice that someone like Katy is going out to help a guy feel better and enjoy--wait, what?? "Give you a taste"?!? When you mean by taste, do you mean a taste of the cake icing or your saliva? Or even worse.
So make...a wish
I'll make it like your birthday everyday/
I'll be...your gift
Give you something good to celebrate

...aaand it's a sexual innuendo song. Using birthday metaphors and cake. I mean, this is Katy Perry. She's known for cutesy sex songs, so of course this song exists. So it's pretty obvious that a sex line that everyone won't take forever to get will be found here.

So hot and heavy...'Til...dawn
--And I'm right. Again.

So let me get you in your birthday suit
It's time to bring out the big balloons/
So let me get you in your birthday suit
It's time to bring out the big, big, big, big, big, big balloons

--Big balloons?? What big balloons? Do you mean...your boobs or...his...ew.

Okay...this song is catchy. And gross.
On one side, the sexual mentions make me want to stop eating cake for a while (especially the frosting, as it reminds me a something else), and Katy's tries to hide it fail and end up weak and corny.
On the other hand, the beat is really good: because of the throwback boom many popular genres of the 60s, 70s and 80s (including Disco) are now of use in many songs this decade (including this song), which uses disco very well. Plus the lyrics are admittedly catchy and Katy's vocals are pretty fine. In fact, listening to it sweet and sappy nature, you'd think that it was originally made with kids in mind (which is funny, because of the cake references and cake is sweet). You'd be forgiven if you think this song wouldn't be out of place on Radio Disney, Nickelodeon or Disney Channel.

So yeah, catchy lyrics, gross implications, wonderful beat--all-in-all, pretty good song, I like it a lot, and at least it has something to do with birthdays anyway. At least no one mentions that it's not they're birthday more than once to us like we're all idiots!

Special SLMR: Birthday Cake


Today continues a special tradition of this: reviewing really bad songs on my birthday. So let's continue why I'm now pissed off about by birthday by reviewing some song that has nothing to do with birthdays and everything to do with why some people avoid sex like Iraq: "the Remix of Birthday Cake" by Rihanna featuring Chris Brown.



Come and put your name on it
Put your name on it
Come and put your name on it
Your name
Bet you wanna put your name on it
Put your name on it
Come and put your name on it
Ba-ba-baby

--So it's NOT this girl's birthday, and this guy she's with is eating some icing...and they never say anything about cake...oh God, gross!!

Ooh baby I like it, it’s so exciting
Don’t try to hide it
I’mma make you my bitch

--Yeah, because after that incident, I'm sure you'd love to make him your bitch, especially because the inmates in the prison he went to after said incident weren't so lucky.

I know you wanna bite this
Its so enticin'
Nothin' else like this
I'mma make you my bitch

--I'm not one to egregiously enjoy sex, but hearing this line, it really kills whatever curiosity I already have of biting someone's body part while banging them.

And it's not even my birthday
But you wanna put your name on it
And it's not even my birthday
And he tryna put his name on it


And there it is, the end of the of the song, a horrible minute-plus-long interlude about gross sex, biting people like zombies on a bad episode of The Walking Dead and ruins cake and icing for me. You can bet that This is one song I will never listen to again.
See you next month for another Short/Long Music Rev...
Okay, fine. You know there's another version involving the guy who...well, you know. The guy everyone despises so much more than I despise Rihanna's music...Chris Brown.
Let's just go his verses. (And maybe use some jokes that are as relevant now as they were in 2012)

Girl, I wanna fuck you right now
Been a long time, I’ve been missing your body
Let me-let me turn the lights down
When I go down, it’s a private party

--Yeah and maybe a party on the way to the precinct soon after.
Ooooh, it’s not even her birthday
But I wanna lick the icing off

--Eww.

Give it to her in the worst way
Can’t wait to blow her candles out

--Hey! Did you know Chris Brown brutally assaulted Rihanna six years ago? Yeah! Because this is what I see every time I hear "give it to me in the worst way"! I'm always reminded of that horrible incident where one pop star beat up another every time I hear this song. And that's not including the times I hear this directly are counted on one hand.

And on the other hand...I get why this is made. It's to show everyone that both parties put from the incident in the past and are moving on with their lives. I understand that,, more over because I wanted to move pat it too, but because of the special edition of non-scripted TV shows and jokes everyone made on Facebook and Twitter about Brown, I couldn't ignore it. But finally, I moved away from the incident and I'm enjoying the joys of everything else...that is until now.

Remember how you did it?
--Everyone did. We're just trying to forget.
Remember how you fit it?
--Yep. In your mouth like a foot in a sneaker.



...


...No comment.

ALSO, THE REPEATED MENTIONS OF IT NOT BEING RIHANNA'S BIRTHDAY. IT'S REALLY ANNOYING. It's one thing to say this in an episode of a TV show, but it's mind-numbingly annoying in a 3 minute song that we listen to many times. And DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE ICING THING.

This song is embarrassingly gross. Just Chris Brown and Rihanna singing about how much they want to have sex in full detail. Where's the appeal in that?!? I really don't like Rihanna's recent material and you'll be hard pressed to find a Chris Brown song I actually like. So this is a 1-2 knockout punch (pun intended) of unwanted coitus and unknown personality. There is nothing in this song I even remotely agree with, nor I find titillating. Why people even find this song great need to get their heads examined. I'm all for Chris Brown and Rihanna moving away from this incident and for this to disappear from the public conscience, but this was not needed to be the song that says this. It's more like it's saying "We're going to tell you, in detail, how much we wanna have sex, and how hard our intercourse is. And if you're disgusted, we don't give a fuck!"
Christ, I need alcohol. I never planned on listening to this ever, but here I am, continuing a tradition of listening to shit songs and reviewing them for my blog. Poor me.
And by the way: Did you know this song was released on the radio on my birthday?
...yeah. I'm still trying to wrap my brain on that.

Wednesday, March 04, 2015

Short/Long Music Review: 7/11


At first, you think this is a song about the joys of going to the convenience store for your favorite snacks, coffee, and quick fixes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But then you notice Beyoncé's name...and of course, that thought's thrown out the window.

The song we're treading through today is "7/11". A song about dancing, drinking, throwing your hands in the air and slapping legs in the air? Either this is one of the hundreds of party-party songs made this decade alone, or one about what goes down at church.





It's like subliminal messaging telling you to party like an babbling idiot.

Seriously?!? 2 people wrote this shit!?! Of all the songs that Beyoncé could make to represent the fact that Beyoncé doesn't hire 7-8 people to write songs all the time, why this??
This song is freaking repetitive; just some lyrics repeating over and over!! And that trap beat. My God, I hate trap music; not involving lyrics, but just the beat. I hate trap beats with a burning passion. And thanks to this song, I hate them even more. I'm not surprised Beyoncé can write something by herself or with one or a couple more people, but since she co-wrote this trite...I...I can't.

Why is this popular? Seriously, why??! Because fuck people who like complex music, that's why!! This song is shit, and we should know that it's shit, yet many people love it. Sure, we can like songs about having fun and partying once in a while (I'm fine with that and I'm all for it), but if I have to listen to another song telling me about someone putting their hands in the air, and their shoulders sideways (how the hell do you do that?!) and moving their legs around, I will shoot people.
That's if I don't have the grounds to shoot myself.
Songs like this disgust me. Just simple, banal and pygmy lyrics that everyone can have the short time to remember, crap-ass beats that just blare hard noise and droopy choppy sounds at you from every angle, and that all of this goes on for over 3 minutes. And of course, they all get popular because of these reasons.
And I can't stand shit like that.

On the other hand, the music video is absolutely good. It features Beyoncé dancing in random places (some by herself, some with dancers), and it's really fun and vibrant. This is a complete contrast from the videos of the era of her self-titled album, and I enjoyed it a lot. No extravagance, no overblown sophistication, no expenses, NO SEX. Just people dancing in a small environment and nothing else. And that's a good thing.

After this review, I plan on never listening to this song ever again. It's not only bad, it's stupid, and just challenges your intelligence every time...and wins. I cannot, for the life of me, understand everything about this track. All I can say about this is: I'm so glad this is not a true-blue single.

Dammit.

I know it's not possible to make a bad song automatically by hiring this many people to compose it, but it's a good one automatically either. So if this is what music is now, with loud bass, brain-throbbing beats and crap lyrics and terrible vocals...then I was wrong. I guess Beck IS better than Beyoncé.

Check back next month for another SLMR. Until next time...I need to find another convenience store chain to shop at for a while.

Monday, March 02, 2015

SNL 40 Review: Dakota Johnson & Alabama Shakes


It’s good to see that synergy has gone hand in hand.
Especially for NBCUniversal for the film 50 Shades of Grey. The stars have appeared on NBC’s Today for interviews and featured stories, and have been doing the press junket for this wonderful cancer of a film. Most recently, Dakota Johnson has appeared in the Saturday Night Live 40th Anniversary Special just to mention that she’ll be hosting an episode at the end of the month. (Jerry Seinfeld even referred to her as “from 50 Shades of Grey”). No one has heard of this woman outside of the short-lived TV series she’s starred in, Ben & Kate, and now she’s the next big thing in Hollywood because this thing that’s the closest thing to softcore porn we’ll ever get in mainstream film.
And now she’s here at SNL, hosting because she has nothing to do but promote the film. And for those of you who can tell, I hate this thing, not only for being a phenomenon in the Literature world, inspiring women to annoy the husbands/boyfriends into strange freaky sex every night because of this 400-page nightmare of BDSM and leather, but also being a hugely-anticipated film where the same women drag their significant others to it, hoping for some red-hot smooshing, leather wearing out and a woman falling in love with a man who only loves her for her body and things he wants to do to it. Yeah, you haven’t noticed? The film and book is about a guy raping a woman, and she finds it romantic.
And by the way, Universal Pictures has greenlit two more films for a 50 Shades trilogy to continue the nonsense. Uhh...what the hell is wrong with you people?

Honestly, since this has been officially announced, I really expected the writers to come up with a sketch based on this film and mocking it. Because usually the show can and will make a parody sketch out of any TV show, movie or music video the host of the episode has starred in. And this here is NO EXCEPTION.


The CO is a spoof on Fox News Channel’s The Real Story with Gretchen Carlson (at first)...with former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani (TKill) being interviewed by Carlson (Nessa B.) about his opinion about President Obama’s loyalty to the country. But during the break (of the “show”), Giuliani goes into Jack Handey mode, thinking of how he went from “America’s Mayor” to talking on a Fox News show. And from there…he starts walking...with a drum solo in distance.
I'll admit, I’ve never heard of Birdman before the SAG Awards nominations, let alone never seen it, so the deeper stuff definitely would fly over my head. But since I watched the TV spots and some clips during the Globes and Oscars, it was enough to enjoy this Open. So all in all, the CO was awesome and the Birdman spoof was brilliant. Beck Benn as BM Giuliani was the best part, with TKill (aka Usual #2) coming close in second by a hair. Host Dakota Johnson also did a great job as Emma Stone’s character, doing it a little bit justice, and made this one of the better performances of her entire gig.

(and if you haven’t gotten the shout-out yet, And Now…)

Dakota walks to the stage for the Monologue, and you can pretty much guess what she’s talking about.

The Mono was kind of a bore, and that’s a great thanks to Dakota’s glum delivery and her nerves getting the best of her. And the obvious joke based on 50 Shades of Grey did not help. When her famous parents, Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson, were shown, I thought they were covering their eyes to shield embarrassment from their daughter starring in Rihanna’s Music After Rated R: The Movie. Nope, they thought she was coming out naked. Really, writers??


I’ll say this right now:
The Pre-Tape After the Monologue features ISIS. Before I get annoyingly specific with details like I usually do, I will say, I was quite happy the ISIS mention is there. It shows that SNL can still push boundaries in some sketches after all these, and it did it. I had a huge feeling some twist would come up later, and I was right (I actually thought this would be a shot at Nationwide for that Super Bowl ad) but was enjoying it nonetheless. I even laughed at it, too.
These evil, disgusting, conniving ahithead assfaces really needed to be ripped a new one.
I figured that some people would bitch and moan at it, and boy they went at it. Come on, people!! THIS IS SNL; they’ve been known for this the most during the first 5 seasons, and you guys still eat it up like Little Chocolate Donuts. You all may Satire isn’t meant to be taken seriously, yet here we are.


The Sketch After is possible a parody of the upcoming film Cinderella...and it was corny as hell. I don’t know what to do with this except watch it and go “Wha?” Usual #’s 1 & 2 did nothing to make it palpable and Cecily Strong did her best as Cindy’s “mother/on-the-wagon junkie”, but this didn’t help matters.

From there, I had a feeling that this episode would be super corny. And I was right.

But not here though.

Another pre-tape involving the ladies, and being a spoof on the Microsoft commercials that features Sara Bareilles’ “Brave”. Here, we’re treated to them in different situations and the things they say are just like the lyrics to the amazing song implies.
This is hilarious, no doubt. Even if it was rude, I can’t help but laugh hard at this. Especially the part with Kate Mc on the crapper. Seriously, she can do no wrong.

(“50 Shades”) Press Junket
After that, a sketch spoofing the interview junket of “50 Shades of Grey”, Dakota Johnson (playing as herself) is being asked by a geek (KyMoo) some...uncomfortable and inappropriate questions for his school paper.

Mooney plays the geek character extremely well, and almost singlehandedly made him the Cast Member of the Week. And to think he wouldn’t have been had the sketches this week had gotten better. How surprising that the sketch I was dreading so much is actually really funny. Shocking, right?


I Can’t Even. Literally (used incorrectly). Like (used like you’re Shaggy Rogers).
I hate these terms so freaking much. Unfortunately, I had to watch people say these terms in a sketch. This made me want to commit murder to people who say these things, but fortunately for them (and me, because I can’t be someone’s bitch in jail; I already am in my family), I have restraint. Already from the first time one of them said “Can’t Even”, I called this my most hated sketch of the episode, and is already in competition to become the worst sketch of the entire season.
And I’m so glad I don’t have to see this again, because I’ve already typed my thoughts down while watching the show live. These people so annoyingly stupid and lazy that they make Patrick Star look like Sportacus from LazyTown, even if that’s the point and this skit is a satire on these terms. I really felt sorry for Margo (Baby Aidy), as she had to deal with these two dumb bitches and and a taint lick, even after falling down a window.

Worf M.D./Emergency Room

I don’t know about this one. I did laugh when Kenan came in as a very cool looking Dr. Worf from The Next Generation. And after that...nothing. This was a clear 4-minute tribute to Leonard Nimoy from Star Trek: The Original Series. And this was the second time the show paid tribute to a former guest host or guest; the first time was back in Episode 2, hosted by Sarah Silverman. But that was beautiful, compared to this absolutely terrible dreck. I will give the crew credit for doing this, though, as it was well-thoughtful to put together for him. Also, I was a little surprised when Pete Dave’s character would know who Worf is, but hey, Netflix.

Live Long and Prosper, Mr. Nimoy

Net Effect: Net Neutrality

Later on a talk show sketch on people of the Internet talking about Net Neutrality, a law passed by Congress to let the Internet be free and open to everyone, instead of controlled and watched by the government. It was...mediocre. The writing was weird; There was no segueing from guest to guest, the host didn’t go to other guests to ask questions, and the jokes were just weak; not even Jones’ performance could help this one (although I did laugh when she said “First!” which is a nod to commenters on YouTube using the word in their comments to brag about being, well, first to comment). Then it gets even worse when the guests do hand tricks, something not out of place in a sitcom on Nickelodeon and Disney Channel, with the laugh track turned up extra loud to make the joke seem like a gold mine.
I also liked the fact that some of the featured cast members got a sketch to do, and it was good to see them say a few more words in the episode, even if one of the Usuals (Moyni) also appear in it. The better part came later on when Konko and Davis smack-talked each other, leading Davis to tell him “tell it to my gold face, you blue son of a bitch!” I laughed hard. This extended to when Vincent Sur (Usual #2), one of the founders of the Internet, came on to berate the panelists about their professions; he later bitch-slaps the guests. He then smacks -- and she screams “Harder!!”. Okay, that one was funny. This was the only 50 Shades joke outside of the 50 Shades sketch I found funny all throughout the show. Another one was when
Also, a good thing: I now finally know how to do that hard trick with your hands. Thanks, Bobby!!

Mr. Riot Films

We close out with a Pre-Tape by Beck an’ Kyle parodying hidden camera shows. The subjects are bullying, people’s reactions, and gender equality in the workplace. I thought this one felt like a video made for YouTube, and that the dog part was weirdly hilarious. But weird is what they do, and they do great with it.

Let me say for the record, that this week’s musical guest Alabama Shakes is awesome.
The bassist’s beard is awesome. The drummer’s hair is awesome. The pianist’s hair is awesome. Brittany Howard’s hair, those glasses, and lipstick mouth is awesome. Even their name is awesome. It sounds like the name of the best milkshake you’ve ever had in your life and you’re willing to move to a new state just to buy more.

Their first song in the set, “Don’t Wanna Fight”, is my favorite. Howard really shines through and through with her vocals. The music is awesome, and the back-up singers accentuate her vocals, making this sound great. Even the screech she made at the start was great.

“Gimme All Your Love” is also a great performance. Forget those songs of the 80s, 90s and 00s, this will be the new song everyone will play during sex scenes in TV shows. Again, Howard really shines with her vocals, and that sound and tempo change in the middle was magnificent. If there would be a dream I would have for the next few months, it would be her singing this song to me during my more private moments: like using the bathroom, jerking off, watching House of Cards while eating cereal, eating Pop-Tarts on a whim, watching Maury, or singing it to her while in a lamb costume.
Again, this band is awesome, and I’m super glad they came back to the show. The music, sound, vocals and -- is fantastic, and I can’t wait any longer to listen to more of their music soon.

Time For an Update
Part 1:

Part 2:

If Weekend Update was one of the better parts of the episode, then you got a problem.
First off: Jost & Che...talked to each other. I know, it’s odd. It rarely ever happens. But it happened, and it was great. They need to do this more often. Oh yeah, and I didn’t fall asleep from Jost or get irritated from Che’s incessant flubbing again. So even better than the last few weeks.
--

First guest Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (Kate Mc) appears to discuss her longevity as the oldest justice on the bench. This was an utterly perfect segment. Kate really does Ms. Ginsburg justice (pun intended) and really threw down the “Gins-burns” hard (and hilariously). Like I said earlier, Kate can do no wrong.
Also if I hadn’t known any better, the graphic showing her name misspelled it.
--

Kanye West (Pharaoh) appeared to explain his apology to singer Beck, and ends up apologizing to Jost, the film Selma, the two escaping llamas, and even her daughter North for having a name like a direction.
Dammit, if you don’t think Jay Pharoah does a damn bang-up job as West, then you must be stupid. His voice and mannerisms are on-point and makes you think that Kanye himself is there. Jay even looks close to Kanye, too. So this was a perfect one, definitely.
--
Speaking of perfect...
Riblet’s baaack!!

Honestly, I just love this guy. Not only can Moyni make me laugh as a goofy, ghetto-looking and -sounding white guy who works at Friendly’s and steal people’s thunder (complete with mic drops), he also works as that same guy who can really do Update.
If Lorne is testing the waters with Moyni at the desk, I wouldn’t mind seeing him there. In fact, I would LOVE to see him there. I wouldn’t be saddened at all to see one of them leave. I know Riblet won’t be there all the time, but I’d take that


Top Three Best Sketches:
1. 50 Shades Press Junket (I’m just as surprised as you are that this is here)
2. Birdman Parody Open
3. Weekend Update

Best Pre-Tapes:
ISIS Ad (whether you like it or not)
Say What You Wanna Say/Be Brave (thanks to Kate Mc on the can)

Worst Sketches:
1) I Can’t (Even)
2) Cinderella Parody
3) Emergency Room

I apologize to the writers for the Blake Shelton episode. At least that had some really good jokes mixed in with the really bad ones. It isn’t the worst episode of the season.. THIS ONE IS! The writing for the live sketches were weak as f**k, Johnson did her best, but her performance and delivery in some sketches were flat and boring, and was even bored by some of them. I did not laugh all the way through all the sketches; there was only one joke that had me chuckle (chuckle!) at least in all of them.

I hadn’t noticed this at first, but Kenan barely appeared in this episode; he only appeared prominently in the Worf sketch and that’s all I see of him. I know this may be his final season on SNL, and that he may have been in a lot of sketches in previous episodes, but this is sad and that he may appear in at least two sketches for the next few episodes.
Meanwhile, the featured cast member coming to dominate in some sketches. That should be good, but they were left weak-as-hell content. I’d say they should be given another sketch in another episode, but they should get stronger material. It’s the writers’ fault for that, but the producers don’t notice that. They’ll just not put them in a few sketches and may solve the problem. (NOT)
And again, if Weekend Update was the better part of the episode, you have a problem. A big problem. But I enjoyed Update very well. And I very well enjoyed Alabama Shakes’ performances.

So, this was a very mediocre episode, and this wouldn’t be an episode I would watch again. But then again, I don’t usually watch episodes from this season more than once anyway, so it’s a win-win for us all. For me, because I don’t have to watch crap sketches again, and for SNL so they don't have to read about my talking about their crap sketches.

Next week, Aussie boss with the awesome-sauce Chris Hemsworth will host Episode #15 with Zac Brown Band providing the music for the evening. This is the first appearance on SNL for both, so this will be very interesting.
See you then!!

Friday, February 27, 2015

Funday Friday: #8--Un-Silence of the LLambs

Happy Funday Friday, everyone. Well...
This took the nation by storm is just a few hours. And it puzzles me.
Two llamas running across a neighborhood. And that's it.
They escaped an enclosure in the Phoenix suburb of Sun City, AZ, and ran across the surrounding neighborhood. The two were chased by authorities for more than 30 minutes until they were tied in by lasso, captured, and sent back to their enclosure.

Here's video from local station KPNX--12 News
and from freakin' CBS News!
Everyone across social media just saw this, and then made it trend HARD. Including memes...
and parodies.
This lasted almost all of yesterday. I just so happened to check it out on Twitter just minutes after the out-of-nowhere event happened, causing me to scratch my head in befuddlement, and make a bunch of faces in exasperation. Like this.
and this
and this
aaannd this
Well, I didn't find it bad. I found this as funny as everyone else, and in a way, really cute. I used to find a big appreciation for llamas while watching Jimmy Neutron and The Emperor's New Groove, but now, I makes me want to buy a llama and raise it as a pet. And maybe even as my personal transportation. Nah, that would be crazy. This story has become a big talked-about story for most of yesterday, and seemed to be only the end of an odd week of goofy trends. That is until...this happened.
Oh dear God, the horror.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Rancid: Guiliana Rancic Jokes About Zendaya's Oscars Look--250th POST EVER!!


So...this happened earlier this week.
On her E! show Fashion Police, during a special episode on the looks of everyone going to the 87th Academy Awards, Rancic to aim at Disney Channel star Zendaya Coleman, who wore a simple, flowing white gown. But it wasn't the gown she joked about. It was her hairsytle. Zendaya wore dreadlocks tied in her hair for her look. So this is what she said:

After deserved backlash from many (assumedly including her fans sending tweets to her as if she'll notice), Zendaya hit with this peaceful yet damning response on her Twitter page.

Rancic later apologized to Zendaya in this tweet.

Things would only get worse from there as her co-hosts reportedly want her fired from the show, and wants E! to remove her from all of its' programming. Here is this list of tweets from Kelly Osbourne (which I assume she made when she was angry, because the spelling is shit):


and fans lashed out too. Here are a few:




So Guiliana apologized again on her other E! show E! News in this recorded message:


Man...This is stupid. I mean--this was a joke, but a joke out of taste. I usually think of Guliana Rancid as a mature, nice, hard-working woman. Sometimes. Sure, she can make jokes about people as much as she wants and pleases. And if she made a joke about Zendaya's gown, I would care less. But this is about her hair. A stupid joke that shouldn't have been said, in any way or form. Screw it being racist; it was just stupid! And another thing: What the hell does she know about what hair smells like? Has she used SoftSheen Carson or Dark and Lovely or Alberto's V0-5 or Herbal Essences sometime in her life and remembered the aroma? Another point is that she's trying to turn up the edge in her jokes after the death of Joan Rivers. That's the only things I can think of that makes sense.

I mean, what kind of joke is "I feel her hair smells like petrouli oil"? Everybody's hair smelled like pertrouli oil at one point in their lives! So this joke is moot as hell. I don't think it was racist because everyone uses oil or oil-based products in their hair every once in a while, and it wasn't that funny to me anyway. I don't find most jokes on Fashion Police funny anyway. Oh, and I don't think she needs to be fired. It's fucking Fashion Police, people!! The co-hosts make stupid jokes on a lot of celebrities all the time. Someone's gonna whine their ass off about a shot at their favorite actor or starlet every other week like it's fucking memento. And this is just one of those times.

It was very smart of her to apologize to Zendaya. Even if it was done at the insistence of Kelly Osbourne, she still did a smart thing doing this. (Also, I think it makes sense that Kelly was doing this to save her own face while throwing Guiliana under the bus, because she wants no part of it; I wouldn't any part of this my damn self) Sure, Joan would've been unapologetic, but that's what she's known for. Guiliana has NO excuse whatsoever. Should she not beg forgiveness, she would've joined Brian Williams in the suspension line, or maybe even the unemployment line.

The people need to calm down. Black people aren't the only people who put oil-infused products in their hair. You guys must be thinking of your own race too much to come to this conclusion. Sure she said something odd, but all of you are making something out of nothing. You guys remember this is Fashion Police, right? They make brutal jabs at any celebrity with any fashion they don't like ALL THE TIME. Especially Joan Rivers (rest in peace). And speaking of her, if she said anything about Zendaya's hair, we shut the fuck up and just laugh. That's because she was known for her edgy, shocking humor and she been doing this her whole life, and we've known her for this. So her spirit in this show rests with these co-hosts, and it seems hey're taking advantage of it. Leave Guiliana alone.

Guiliana (along with Katy Griffin, since you made something dickish, too), leave Zendaya alone. She did not deserve to be treated like this on her hair, and she did not deserve to be thrown under the bus.

Zendaya, good for you, girl. You fought back against the bullshit, and you did it in a mature, responsible, brains-for-brains way. I'm proud of you, your fans are proud of you, and maybe at the end of this week, the fans of Fashion Police are proud of you, too.

Keith Olbermann Suspended for Whiny Dickish Penn State Twitter Rant

Keith Olbermann needs to keeps his mind on a filter.
On Tuesday, the ESPN host launched a 140-character-a-tweet rant on Twitter against Penn State University. The reason: The world-renowned college holding an annual dance marathon (apply [and genius-ly] titled THON) raising money for research towards a cure for cancer.
Here's what he said in his foolish fight against students:
(the tweets are chain-reaction)



Okay, I admit, that one is funny at the end.





After this, ESPN quickly suspended Olbermann for a week. Here's its' statement:
We are aware of the exchange Keith Olbermann had on Twitter last night regarding Penn State. It was completely inappropriate and does not reflect the views of ESPN. We have discussed it with Keith, who recognizes he was wrong. ESPN and Keith have agreed that he will not host his show for the remainder of this week and will return on Monday. The annual tradition of THON and the efforts of the students of Penn State to fight pediatric cancer should be applauded.

This caused him to apologize on Twitter for the stupid spat:


For one thing, he's wrong for calling all students of Penn State "pitiful"; maybe because he's a proud alumni of another college that so happens to rival PSU, maybe not. Doesn't mean he's not a jackass, though. And he's more of one for this implement of criticizing THON. Sure, cancer has no known cure yet, but at least they're doing their best to market research. He on the other hand, is a fool for saying this.
On the other hand, I mean he didn't say anything overtly offensive or absolutely stupid; I mean he wasn't talking about THON, just the "ethics" from the PSU students (maybe they misread what he said greatly, maybe he was baited by them to say some shit he shouldn't have been saying), but he did say enough to cause this story, so it makes him an idiot a little for going further.
But, since he's known for commentary like this, I don't think he should be suspended for this long. Just tell him not to say stuff like this again, and if he does it again, then suspend him, at least for 3-4 days.

Anyway, if he does this again--not that he'll ever get any sympathy from me anyway--I wpn't be surprised that he'll get his just desserts in the form of a pink slip from John Skipper, and little, yet embarrassing crawl back to MSNBC. Or maybe the network currently known as Al Jazeera America can can hire him again. His commentary is perfect for the short group of Americans who still watch him.

Anyway, congrats to Penn State for another successful THON Weekend. Over $13 Million raised throughout the event, all to raise money for research toward a cure for childhood cancer. Great job and congrats to everyone involved on another successful year.

Monday, February 23, 2015

Cleveland TV News Anchor Calls Lady Gaga "Jiggaboo Music"


A Cleveland news anchor is in controversy for using a word on live television that should not be said under those circumstances: Jiggaboo.
After her report on Lady Gaga's fantastic performance at The Oscars last Sunday, Kristi Capel of Fox 8 WJW in Cleveland called her music, and I quote, "Jiggaboo Music".
After the seemingly-unintentionally-stupid comment, her co-anchor made a face that everyone else watching at home (and later, across the Internet) also made.

Here is video courtesy of The Huffington Post:




















Woman...who the hell do you think you are??
Seriously, you can't be that stupid enough to not know what that slang term is or what it means. Even if you don't know what it means, there is one way to solve that:
And here's another:

To be fair, I honestly didn't know what that word meant for the first 19 years of my life. But I've never heard anyone say that word, and even then, even I knew it meant something bad. And your excuse is that you didn't know what it meant?? Aren't you an adult?!? Shouldn't you have known about race and slang terms like the back of your hand growing up? And isn't this Cleveland?? Yes, it's one of the most northern cities in America, and is probably clean and safe, but if you know what "Cleveland Steamer" means, you should know what "Jiggaboo" means. I mean, you have a black co-anchor right next to you! Sure, it would've been embarrassing, but asking him what the slang is and means, would've saved you all from the humiliation and embarrassment in the world and you would've kept all the credibility you had as a local news journalist.

Oh and by the way, Lady Gaga's fans are mostly white, so there can't be any excuse of saying you thought that "Jiggaboo" is a slang term for white. And another thing: What part of your mind told you to say the damn word on TV in the first place?!? Sure "The News" is the most family-friendly program on television, but even then, viewers don't expect to hear slang terms coming out of the mouths of well-respect, well-taught, well-educated people like the ones you see on your TVs from 4-7am, 7-10am, 4-6:30pm, 10-11pm or 11-11:30pm, depending on what station you watch and whatever the timeslot. And the people are not supposed to say this. Hell, I can't remember a time when anyone on Fox News Channel said the word, so this is a damn disgrace to WJW and the entire Tribune Broadcasting Company as a whole. Now, I'm not saying she should be fired or suspended. She didn't lie or anything. I say she should record a public apology and release it either on-air or online. And then all will be as right as rain.

For now, this was a really stupid quagmire and I hope something like this never happens again. We should all learn from this woman to NEVER use a slang term on on live TV, especially when you don't know what it means.

MaroonMondays Awards Reviews: The Oscars 2015



Hi everyone. I'm Andrew, I welcome you to my review of the 87th Annual Academy Awards aka The Oscars 2015. This year hosted by actor and Tony Award-winner Neil Patrick Harris, the event take place at the Dolby Theater in Hollywood. So let's check out my thoughts on some of the buzzworthy moments of the event that had me stay up all night because screw me, that's why.

Neil did a great job as host; he had the humor, the charisma, the charm, the talent, the expertise and the awesomeness to pull off the job. I mean, who actually thought he couldn't do it?? Sure, some of his jokes fell flat, but come on--He's Doogie freakin' Houser MD, dammit!


We already start off with host Neil Patrick Harris singing a song a dance number celebrating the films of this decade and past decades. Sure, we've had many of these over the years, but this one was awesome. The part where he was literally inserted into films was freaking awesome! Anna Kendrick did a beautiful job with Neil, and the part where she sings too hard was really funny. The beat between her last note and his reaction was hilarious. Jack Black also performed in the opener as the best part of it. Just him being there made it 38% better.
And the end where Neil stands like the statuette itself with a shadow of Oscar behind him, that was also cool...and a little chilling.


JK Simmons won the first award of the evening, Actor in a Supporting Role for his role in "Whiplash". During his acceptance speech, Simmons asked many others in the audience and viewers at home to call their parents and thank them for all that they've done in their lives and that they (the people) love them (the parents). This was a very sweet speech and really warmed heart. It also gave me the strength to call my mom and tell her I love her. Yes, J. Jonah Jamison gave me the power to call my Mommy.


Polish film "Ida" won Best Foreign Language Film, with director Pawel Pawliskoski accepting. During his speech, he went to thank pretty much every other person who's been in his life. While it was great, the more talked about moment was during the speech, when the wrap-it-up music came in, but Pawel kept on going, with the audience laughing and applauding him, and the music actually ending as he goes on. And even more funnier, his accent gets more thicker as he continues, which is maybe why the audience laughed at first.


Obviously, the part of the telecast everyone wanted to watch (and got a smile on their faces for), Tegan & Sara and The Lonely Island performed "Everything is Awesome" from The Lego Movie. I loved when Jorma Taccome and mugged the camera; their skills were...radical. I also love the tuxes the group wore; the light blue and ruffles were...boss. Will Arnett made a special appearance reprising his role of Batman, along with ?uestlove from The Roots played drums. Boy was that...super (and a little depressing). This was the first time I've heard the song at the show, and I must say, I was crazy happy to hear it, and crazy sad that I haven't heard it much sooner.


Neil was in his underwear for one part as a parody of Birdman. Apparently everyone was okay with the outline of his cock showing to not look shock and disgusted. At least his physique was rock-hard perfect.


Common & John Legend's wives are going to have a good night and next day ahead of them. Because their husbands gave one of the best moments of the entire show, and had the producers scramble to give them a congratulatory honor for doing so.
They performed their song "Glory" from Selma. And boy, was everything left on stage. The power, emotion, passion, sophistication and heart were right there in their performance and it couldn't get any more amazing from there. It was just beautiful. Who knew, a few minutes after it, that they would win the Award for Original Song? Their reactions were priceless, especially Common's. From there, and after hearing their real names, I thought there were two other guys who wrote the song, at least the majority of it.
Major props to you, Lonnie Lynn and Johnnie Stevens. Your parents, families and friends, colleagues in the music-industry and all of Black America are proud of you two tonight.


After the "In Memoriam" segment, Jennifer Hudson sang "I Can't Let Go", which was really fitting because of how much we loved our favorite actors, directors, producers, ect. and their work. And her vocals were just as beautiful as they've ever been. And it made me cry a bit. It was such a bittersweet performance. Also the ending where a large of lights shine across the Dolby Theater was beautiful.


Adele Dazeem gets her payback.
A year after John Travolta butchered her name on live television before she gave her show-stopping performance of "Let It Go" (irony, huh?) and himself getting brutally screwed by the world of social media because of it, Idina Menzel returned to the Oscars stage to exact sweet revenge on Travolta (I mean "Glom Dazingo") by butchering his name. And she nailed it. And then, Travolta ruins his redemption (while he was receiving it) by touching Idina's whole face like dog on a chicken bone, and said those infamous lines from last year like the Wicked Witch of the West to Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. I won't say it was disgusting, but it was weird to watch.


Lady Gaga just proved again to world that she can sing anything. After her wonderful Standards collab album with Tony Bennett, her singing the songs of "The Sound of Music" was balls on the wall fabulous. Miss Gaga certainly has the pipes and can certainly sing her ass off with anything. Kudos to you, Miss Gaga.

This right here:

This was a beautiful speech telling everyone to "Stay Weird. Stay Different." because it makes you happy. And doing whatever you put your mind and heart into makes you happy. This speech gave him a standing ovation from the audience, which he deserves. And this speech made me happy. Good for you, Graham Moore. You're weird and different, and that makes you great.

Finally, the box containing the briefcase in turn containing Neil's predictions for the show is finally opened. And in those predictions, are the reveal: which are exactly everything that's happened in the broadcast.

Uhh...Are you sure no one touched the box, Octavia? Because it's okay to put on the table that NPH is a certified magician. Nope, no nitpicking, it was really funny, anyway.

So, 3 & 1/2 hours, and these are the more interesting things I could find to discuss this ceremony. But...There are some other things I will discuss quickly:
--John was also a little handsy-pansy with Scarlet Johannson on the red carpet. Maybe it was right for Kelly Preston to divorce him.
--Terrence Howard clearly loves "Whiplash". Apparently, It truly IS hard out here for a pimp...a pimp who cries.
--Speaking of Three-6-Mafia, they won't be thee only black rappers to have an Oscar added to their collection. Common is the second black rapper (and third overall; Eminem is the first) to win an Oscar for Original Song. I guess the Academy has finally moved forward in making broader music eligible for that category. Good for them as well.
--Who knew that Anna Kendrick is actually shorter than Kevin Hart? Well, if you take into account his 200+ plus movies, it makes sense. Also, during NPH's introduction of him, I crossed my fingers and repeatedly said "Please be Kevin Hart". I was smiling like a kid at Chuck E. Cheese after that mention.
--Julie Andrews is impressed with someone singing songs she sang (screw Terrence Flecher [no, seriously, screw him. I wanna fuck him like a pig. I really wanna make him squeal]. She's one tough person to impress)
--I wonder how NPH works out; I wanna have half his perfect shape. What is his regimen? P-90X?
--That moment of JLO and Meryl Streep cheering on Patricia Arquette during her speech was awesome and funny. Thank God a GIF was made.

--Joan Rivers was not a part of the "In Memoriam" segment. I don't know why. She was more of a comedienne than an actress, so I don't know why everyone's upset. Also, no one mentioned any films she starred in so their argument is pointless and moot.

I felt this was a more hipper and less boring Oscars, just like last year. Neil carried the whole thing well, and I wasn't all the way bored with it. I'm glad the Oscars have gotten more enjoyable and exciting these days as feels sightly more catered to the younger demo, while staying true to the older crowd without getting sloppy. Sure, we're never reach the days of Bob Hope, David Nivens and Johnny Carson, but it's in the past and we should move on from that. Hopefully this change continues on for the next few years or maybe even the next decade, because I'm getting more and more tired of watching this, while having to do so to do a review.

Well, thank you all for joining me for this review of The Oscars. Join me next year where I might do something other than this. See you later!

Sunday, February 22, 2015

SpongeBob is Nominated For ANOTHER KCA--and I'm Questionably Pissed




It just had to happen. It just HAD to happen. SpongeBob SquarePants has been nominated for the Kids’ Choice Award for Favorite Cartoon. I was happy that it was nominated back during it’s first few seasons, and of course you know why. As the show continued, less and less people fell in love with it, and more and more people got furious with its’ increasing number of nominations. And of course you know why.

But you know what, I don’t care any more. I don’t mind it getting its’ nomination for Favorite Cartoon. In fact, I actually think it DOES deserve it.

Nickelodeon clearly loves this show. It’s been a hit ever since its premiere in 1999, and back then it deserved it. It was funny, clever, enjoyable and one of the best cartoons ever. And when it won the Favorite Cartoon award from 2000 to 2007, it actually deserved it.

Now the only person who believed it deserved it is Nickelodeon. It’s been making the network and company money and kept the pockets of the execs full. They knew this show was a hit, even when it rotted in quality, because the kids are still watching. The kids are still buying merchandise, they’re still enjoying everything with his face on it. That’s why this show is still

Plus, the producers and writers clearly don’t give a damn about they write or storyboard, because what they saw on screen, they found hilarious. And the execs don’t give a damn--oh, I’m sorry--they don’t give a FUCK about what’s filling up the timeslot, because whatever is on it, the kids will watch, and if they watch it, the money will come in, and when it comes in, they’ll like whatever they’ll greenlight next. A circle of life. It’s like they’re a real-life Mr. Krabs, except they actually care about their family and friends (I think).

Meanwhile, there are other shows that are in actually good quality (with the creator putting in as much as much creative content as they wanted and ending it at their own terms) that put up respectable ratings (if they’re lucky) and have a sizable, if not half as big fanbase as SpongeBob. Ironically, I think the shows nominated are crap now. Fairly OddParents, Teen Titans Go! and (maybe) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Adventure and Phineas and Ferb (please correct me if I’m wrong) are going through terrible seasons at the moment, and some of these shouldn’t be nominated; but I shouldn’t care because this is the Kids’ Choice Awards I’m talking about.

I know this Awards thing is a fluke now, and that I shouldn’t care, but if Nick wants to nominate these shows, and put them up against this one, knowing that they’re going to lose, and the Sponge is gonna win (again), and that they know that we know that it’s gonna win (AGAIN), well, I’m just gonna have to kill myself. Goodbye, world. Let me know if SpongeBob actually loses for the second time, so that I’ll celebrate another true victory in Hell.

Okay, I'm clearly overreacting. At least I voted for it this time.

Friday, February 20, 2015

POST #245: Funday Friday: #7--Nick KCA Nominees Released--My Thoughs


Hi, everyone. Funday Friday time again!
Welcome to my thoughts on the 28th Annual Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. This' year's show is hosted by Nick Jonas, and will air on March 28 at 8pm. The nominees was released earlier today, and now I have them compiled and I've written my thoughts on all of them. Let's go!!

KIDS TV SHOW
Henry Danger
Every Witch Way
Nicky, Ricky, Dicky & Dawn (who the heck names these shows)
Dog With a Blog
Jessie and
Austin & Ally
THREE Disney Channel shows are nominated: Dog With a Blog, Jessie and Austin & Ally, which is my favorite of the group. So it's great that Disney Channel is having a much larger presence in the list of nominees, and it's great that Nickelodeon is loosening up for once, at least in this category.
Who I Think Will Win: Any Nick show
Who I Think Should Win: Any DC Show (for once)

FAMILY TV SHOW
Gotham
Agents of SHIELD
Modern Family
Once Upon A Time
The Big Bang Theory
The Flash

First off, I don't know why Big Bang Theory is still nominated for a KCA; it's clearly not for kids--it's for adults. But it kinda makes sense that this show does get a category that isn't catered to kids. Although, it is a little shock that entire families watch a show about nerds having sex.
But this is a great category for shows like these, because families (mostly adults) do watch these shows, and enjoy them. So kudos to Nick for creating this category. It's a perfect one. And a hard one to choose a winner from.
Will Win: Big Bang or Flash
Should Win: Flash, OUAT or SHIELD

TV ACTOR
Benjamin Flores Jr.
Charlie McDermott
Grant Gustin
Jack Griffo
Jim Parsons
Ross Lynch
It's a pretty easy choice for me. Grant Gustin is doing an absolutely fantastic job as the man in the red suit, and as Barry Allen. I don't think any of the other actors are coming close here, even Parsons. Since this is the KCAs, the opposite is going to happen. I hope that doesn't happen.
Will Win: Jim Parsons, Ross Lynch or any Nick Male Star
Should Win: Grant Gustin or Ross Lynch

TV ACTRESS
Chloe Bennett
Debby Ryan
Jennifer Morrison
Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting
Kira Kosarin
Laura Marano
A hard decisiom, but not that hard. So I chose Jen Morrison from OUAT.
Will Win: Kaley or Kira
Should Win: I Don't Know--Too Close To Call

CARTOON
Adventure Time
Phineas and Ferb
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teen Titans Go!
Fairly Odd Parents
spongebob sqaurepants

Why the hell is that stupid little kitchen cleaner still nominated?!
But the even bigger question is: Why the hell is Gravity Falls not nominated? I mean...I cannot.
As for the other nominees, some are the same from last year, with Teen Titans Go! being a newbie. I don't know why I should be mad at this, but if Scumbob Shitepants is still going to win over these better shows (yeah, even Toddler Titans, too), let alone nominated, than I need a podiatrist to try and stop me from putting my foot in someone's ass.
Ironically, the one time I voted for it, it was the only time it lost (that was to The Last Airbender in 2008).
This will shock you, but I'm going to vote for SpongeBob, because if this thing can't lose, then I should submit to it. It's annoying that this still happens, but I'm used to it now to make this drastic step forward.
Will Win: GUESS
Should Win: Anything but (and Gravity Falls too; maybe even Over the Garden Wall)

BOOK
Diary of a Wimpy Kid series
Divergent series
Heroes of Olympus series
Percy Jackson's Greek Gods
The Fault In Our Stars
The Maze Runner
--The only book I've read out of all of these is Diary, so I voted for that.
Will Win: Too Close To Call (aka I don't care)
Should Win: TCTC (aka I don't care)

MOST ADDICTING GAME
Angry Birds Transformers
Candy Crush
Disney Infinity 2.0
Mario Kart 8
Minecraft
Skylanders Trap Team

--First off, it's surprising that a network known for shows with characters who act like they're addicted to something, would have a category named "Most Addicting Game" at its' awards show. At least they've noticed how interesting these nominees are, because of the many kids playing them.
Now the only game I've played in this category is Candy Crush Saga. Keyword: PLAYED. I don't play that anymore. That's it; I don't play video games that much. I'm an "Internet TV" guy.
Will Win/Should Win: See Under BOOK

REALITY SHOW
American Ninja Warrior
Cupcake Wars
Dance Moms
Masterchef Junior
Shark Tank
Wipeout

I don't know why a kid would watch Dance Moms or Shark Tank or Masterchef Junior. Those shows are on networks for adults, not kids or families. In fact I don't know why this category exists. Kids should not watch reality shows.
Will Win: Again, See Under BOOK
Should Win: Wipeout or Cupcake Wars (they're more family-type shows)

TALENT COMPETITION SHOW
America's Got Talent
America’s Next Top Model
American Idol
Dancing With The Stars
So You Think You Can Dance
The Voice

I love America's Got Talent and The Voice, and I have a big soft spot in my heart for American Idol and Dancing with the Stars, but for a better experience, I picked So You Think You Can Dance. Not because I cover it on this blog, but because I enjoy watching the show very much and the dancers on it are amazing.
Will Win: TCTC
Should Win: SYTYCD, The Voice or AGT

MOVIE
FAVORITE
The Amazing Spider-Man 2
Guardians of the Galaxy
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1
Maleficent
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Transformers: Age Of Extinction

It was a pretty obvious choice for me. I chose Guardians. This film ROCKS HARD!!!
Will Win: Guardians or Hunger Games: Mockingjay P1
Should Win: Guardians

ACTOR
Ben Stiller
Hugh Jackman
Jamie Foxx
Mark Wahlburg
Steve Carrell
Will Arnett
--All of these guys are good, but I wasn't sure who to choose.
Will win/Should Win: See BOOK

ACTRESS
Angelina Jolie
Cameron Diaz
Elle Fanning
Emma Stone
Jennifer Garner
Megan Fox
--Same with ACTOR
Will Win/Should Win: See MALE ACTOR (and BOOK)

MALE ACTION
##Channing Tatum
##Chris Evans
##Chris Pratt
##Hugh Jackman
##Liam Hemsworth
Will Win/Should Win: Chris Pratt (cause he's awesome [and played Andy Dywer])

FEMALE ACTION
##Ellen Page
##Evangeline Lilly
##Halle Berry
##Jennifer Lawrence
##Scarlett Johansson
##Zoe Saldana
Will Win: J-Law (cause she'll win anything)
Should Win: Zoe Saldana (cause she's just as awesome)

ANIMATED MOVIE
Big Hero 6
How to Train Your Dragon 2
Penguins of Madagascar
Rio 2
The Lego Movie
The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water

What the hell? For one thing: the damn movie came out two weeks ago; but it was obvious no matter how long it was released in theatres, it will get a KCA nom. It was destined to go down like this. It's Nickelodeon; IT WILL PUT ANYTHING IT OWNS IN ANY CATEGORY AS A NOMINEE. And the Second SpongeBob Movie is such. I wouldn't (and will not) be surprised if when it wins at the show. I really want to see it, though.

MUSIC
For all of the music categories, who in the producing staff thought these "artists" or some of the songs are appropriate for kids? But hey, kids'll listen to anything mindless, annoying and morally-incorrect these days. I'm not saying they have to bad, but these songs shouldn't be consumed by the ears of a child.

FAVORITE MUSIC GROUP
Coldplay
Fall Out Boy
Imagine Dragons
Maroon 5
One Direction
One Republic
Will Win/Should Win: One Direction

MALE SINGER
Blake Shelton
Bruno Mars
Justin Timberlake
Nick Jonas
Pharrell Williams
Sam Smith
Will Win: One Direction (because duh) or Nick Jonas (because he's the host)
Should Win: One Direction

FEMALE SINGER
Ariana Grande
Beyoncé
Katy Perry
Nicki Minaj
Selena Gomez
Taylor Swift
Why are Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj nominated? Oh right, because kids love "Anaconda" and "Partition" and "7/11" and "Super Bass". Sure.
Seriously Nick, why? Forget Katy Perry, though; her sexuality is kid-friendly enough.
Will Win: Selena Gomez (she's already won before)
Should Win: TCTC

SONG OF THE YEAR
"All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor
"Bang Bang" by Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj
"Dark Horse" by Katy Perry
"Fancy" by Iggy Azalea featuring Charli XCX
"Problem" by Ariana Grande featuring Iggy Azalea
"Shake It Off" by Taylor Swift
I mean really? These songs are totally inappropriate for kids. What parent would let their parent listen to these songs outside of "Shake It Off" and maybe "All About That Bass".
Will Win: "Shake It Off" or "All About That Bass"
Should Win: "Shake It Off"

FAVORITE NEW ARTIST
5 Seconds of Summer
Echosmith
Fifth Harmony
Iggy Azalea
Jessie J
Meghan Trainor
Jessie J is NOT a new artist! She came out in 2010. And really?? Iggy Azalea. IK mean, come on, Nick!! Be aware of who gets nominated.

Well, that's all the nominees, along with my thoughts on all of them. Thank you for joining me on this post on the nominees of the Kids' Choice Awards. Tune in to the show, hosted this year by Nick Jonas, on March 28 at 8pm on Nickelodeon. I'll have my review sometime after that.
See you later!!