The Late Late Show with James Corden: First Night Review

Hi everyone. Welcome to my review of the first episode of The Late Late Show with James Corden.

Since the stepping down of previous host Craig Ferguson in December, we the great American public have been waiting and waiting for the past few months for the next host to take The Late Late Show to the next level. We were eager for him to give us a first impression, give us a new taste in the new era, and possibly make his mark as the next big thing in late night talk. And after watching his first show, I can gladly tell you that...yes, he will be the next big thing.

BEFORE THE SHOW
But before I get to my review, here are my thoughts about Mr. Corden before the announcement as successor.
The first time I heard of Corden was during his time as host of the BRIT Awards in the UK back in 2012. I thought he was charming, witty, not too brash and really funny. Plus he has a face you can put on Vogue magazine. It’s like he’s the Ed Sheeran of acting. In fact, Corden looks very similar to Sheeran.
He certainly can handle a live show with his talents. What I didn’t know about him was that he did so much more as an actor. He created and co-starred in critically-acclaimed British sitcom Gavin and Stacey, was a very popular comedian, and a huge talent overall.
He also did a great job with his talents in the States. He starred in a Broadway play called One Man, Two Guv’nors (he even won a Tony Award for his performance), the hit film Into the Woods, and has made an appearance on LLS when Ferguson was still host.
To me, Corden is a very talented actor/comedian even before time I should've heard of him in time of his hosting the show.

LOGO
For a quick minute, I wanna discuss the logo. At first, I wasn't very fond of it. I thought it looked dull, boring and even a little uninspired. But as time went on and the show was closer to airing, it grew on me big time, in terms of the concept of the show. The Neon-light "Late"s look really cool and works with the narrow sans serif font very well. Plus the graphic shown before and after every commercial break is really cool with the "Late"s lights turning on like neon lights turn on. So yeah, I didn't like at first, but now I do.

SET
When I got a good look of the set, it reminded me of something oddly familiar. That familiar look was the set of all of Conan O'Brien's talk shows (Late Night, Tonight Show and Conan).
I also saw some elements of the set from The View as well--mainly from the audience area. So, it was creepy to see such similarities between these shows. Fortunately, what sets them all apart is the nice liquor bar (Sponsored by Anheiser-Busch [specifically Bud Lite]) on the side, a marquee on top of the stage portion, and the really cool 3D renderings of famous LA hotspots, along with a rendering of the logo facing backwards, behind the desk area.


The first part of the show gave an interesting set-up: Instead of the title sequence (with the names of the guests), it starts with a short music sequence involving a shot of the Los Angeles skyline and CBS Television City before Corden came into the set.

The song is really nice and showcases Watts and his band really well. I like the band, and it’s a really good step away from LLS tradition of not having an in-house band that has started with Tom Snyder, stayed with Craig Kilborn and ended with Ferguson.

I would hope that band will have a bit of prominence on the show, but that sound silly, as it will happen that they’ll have some prominence. It really livens up the Late Late Show brand and brightens up the setting. Also the “BAND” sign above them is hilariously redundant and general, but it works well. It reminds me of an element on Gravity Falls in which some items feature the general term for it as its name for a joke, which also works well.
Here are some examples to show what I mean:

All-in-all, the set looks very nice, very warm and vibrant and I find it very vibrant and warm-toney. Good look, guys; I'm really impressed.

MONOLOGUE
Corden started his first monologue by introducing himself.

This was nice, warm, inviting and amazing. And funny, too. From there, I can tell that at least the viewers are going to like him a lot. I know I do. From my first watching the BRIT Awards, I knew I would like this guy a lot. And from here on out, I would find him lovable.
Corden also introduced bandleader Reggie Watts, who, from the times I seen, is a brilliant and amazing musician and improviser. He can play any genre and using any song without hesitation or stuttering. He’s an absolutely perfect choice to lead the in-house band, and I couldn't think of anyone else great to be that person. No seriously, I can’t. I don’t know anyone else as a popular musician/bandleader. Also, his hair is magnificent; I have never seen an afro this soft and fluffy in my life and I never will. I can only wonder the pains Watts goes through to keep it this perfect, but it has paid off in an amazing way.
Also, he introduced his parents to the audience and viewers. They’re such a lovely couple, and you can just tell from the first time you see them that they’re proud of their son.

TITLE SEQUENCE
After the monologue, Corden initiated the title sequence, which featured him and Watts all across the LA nightlife bopping around and dancing. It was cool and showcased what kind of vibe this show would have. The colors and vibe work well in regards to the concept of the show, so I think this will be a great open to use for a long time.

GUESTS
After all the heartwarming introductions, Corden took us backstage to introduce his first guests. In the Blue Room is Tom Hanks, and in the Red Room is Mila Kunis. I love this part as it gives us a taste of what the guests would be like, and I hope it stays throughout it's longevity.
Okay...here’s where it gets awesome. This show has a format where both guests (not just one at a time!) appear on the set by walking through the audience, and then sit together with Corden. And Corden has no desk in front of him! This is a perfect set-up. It makes the interview more lighthearted, intimate and inviting. It’s like a mix of The Graham Norton Show and The Late Show. It’s just perfect. Just, just perfect.

The first guests were critically-acclaimed actors Kunis and Hanks.
They talk about starring in a Broadway play and in movies together, and Kunis talked about being pregnant within the short period as Corden. I love how intimate and warm, yet light hearted and funny the interview is. Again, It’s just perfect. Just, just perfect.
--
Hanks Films Recreation
After the joint interview, Corden and Hanks come together to recreate scenes from some of some of Hanks’ famous films. This was just fucking brilliant. Hanks and Corden had the energy and power in their performance, and it clearly shows. They knew every line and yet it felt like I’ve seen the films for the first time, and they all feel like films worthy of Academy Awards. Both men did a great job doing these recreations and made it look easy and effortless.

--

After that, Corden and Hanks returned to the couch with Kunis to discuss, among other things, a picture of Hanks in a New York subway train accused “man-spreading”. Hanks opened up (pun intended) about this, saying:

and then revealed that the particular train was half empty and that he was crossing his legs, without any repercussions.
This was just as funny because Hanks opened up about it, I just couldn’t give as much of a shit about man-spreading (if the car is half empty) as possible.
Later on, Corden gave the floor to Watts, who asked Hanks an interesting question about people in the 1806. Hanks gave back an equally interesting answer...involving Velcro. He even made up a new term: BV and AV.

Reggie's question was funny, but Hanks' answer was even funnier, was unexpected and absolutely something we all felt like we now know something new about.
Anyway, this was a very good interview. The stories that Kunis and Hanks gave were phenomenal and Corden's interviewer skills were amazing. This was a joy to watch, this interview, and I have a definite feeling that many more interviews along the way will also be a joy to watch. Corden can carry an interview, and find a way to make it appeal to the guests and the viewers. And that's impressive.


And finally, it was the end of the first night, so Corden performed a wonderful song made just for the show. It was about how he enjoyed his first night as host and hopes you join him for some fun as the show begins its infancy.
The song was really nice, felt intimate, was funny and actually almost brought me to tears.


SURPRISES
Of course, after this, there is a pre-recorded bit. But it was funny and it works, so all is right.
Many celebrities appeared, whether in a cameo or a long speaking role, including: Simon Cowell, Joel McHale, George Lopez, Lena Dunham, Katie Couric, Chris Rock and Chelsea Handler,
with Jay Leno, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Allison Janney and Meryl Streep appearing to help James prepare for his hosting the show correctly.

I did find the applauding when James got his ticket pretentious and obnoxious, but it did make sense.
What makes this genius is that some of the guests making cameos have been rumored to talk with the CBS execs to host or have already hosted a talk show. I laughed like hell when McHale, Lopez and Handler appeared. This would’ve been more genius if Craigy Ferg himself appeared in the bit and Leno’s remark about taking over TLLS in 3 months was also hilarious. And genius because David Letterman will have left The Late Show in May.
There weren't that many surprises this time, understandably because not many people know who Corden is, and it stayed strictly with the pre-recorded Candy Contest bit, but the limited amount I got was great enough. I would say the segment with Hanks recreating scenes from his famous was one, but this appeared in ads for the show, so this doesn't count.

CORDEN HIMXSELF
On James himself, he was just perfect. He showed little to no nerves, he kept cool, he was amazing, and it was like he been doing this for years. Like I mentioned earlier, he has hosted the BRIT Awards for 4 years (and mind you, this is a live televised event) and did One Man, Two Guv'nors (which is a Broadway play, by the way), so it would be no thang for him to a taped late-night talk show like this, because he has the skills, the talent, the wit and humor and everything else he's good at (being nice and caring, good looks, the propensity to be either a big-ass softie and hard-ass jerk at the drop of a hat) to pull this off and never miss a beat. CBS made the right choice in finding the successor to Craig Ferguson, and I don't think they've screwed this up with this choice, and I really don't think Corden will take this for granted and/or mess this up. I don't think we'll let him down for being fans, as long as he doesn't let us down as host.

OVERALL
All-in-all, this was a great first show. I enjoyed very part of it, and wish there was a little more to look at, because to me, when it this show, it feels like there is so much content that needs to be shown on air at so little time. But since it airs every weeknight (except Monday), we can always wait patiently for the next episode to air to watch a lot more Corden-y goodness.
Watts and the band are awesome, the set is awesome, the format is awesome, the vibe is awesome and Corden is awesome. I love all that I've seen from the first show, and I think that this show will last a long while, if not a long time. CBS, you just have a gem on your hands. So exploit it well, and make it last.

Thanks for joining for the review of The Late Late Show with James Corden. I hope this show lasts a lone time; like 5, 6, 7 or 8 years. Just long enough for Corden to enjoy it and leave to do other projects. But I do hope Corden does it amazingly. And I wish him very well.
Good luck, James. This donut's for you, eh!

Goodnight.

Funday Friday: #12--Don't Mess with a NewsWoman

Hey, everyone.
As another Funday Friday reaches it's dusk, we all should be reminded of something, especially us men. DON'T MESS WITH WOMEN.

On a broadcast on Al Jadeed TV in Lebanon, host Rima Karaki talked with guest Sheik Hani al-Seba'i on his thoughts on the possibility of Christians joining the Islamic State group, the extremist group that has captured large parts of Iraq and Syria and is known for recruiting foreign fighters. Al-Seba'i, who reportedly fled to the U.K. after he was sentenced to prison for joining the Egyptian Islamic Jihad group, launched into a historical tangent on Christians joining Islamic groups.
After Karaski told him that, because of time constraints (it's a live program), they have to quickly continue the interview, al-Seba'i brutally went on the offensive. This would be a big mistake, as shown when Ms. Karaski hit back HARD.



Isn't that awesome?
Al-Seba'i, if you are a sheik, you should make a responsible and respected tone, and treat people the way you should be treated.
Good for Ms. Karaki for speaking up to him and taking him down a peg. Even if she did interrupt him (and that may be rude depending on your view), that was damn disrespectful of him to tell her to shut up and that she's beneath him. No woman is beneath a man; both genders should be equal. I'm glad she spoke up, or else she would've regretted not doing so, and Seba'i would've gotten away with a jerkass move, and sheiks shouldn't be known for jerkass moves.

Great job, Rima Karaki. Sheik job, Sheik Hani al-Seba'i. (And by that, I mean "shit".)

Short/Long Song Review: I Don't F*ck with You

Hi everyone.
Welcome to Short/Long Music Review--I'm sorry, Short/Long Song Review. Yep, I have changed the name. While songs are a part of music generally, I've reviewed mostly songs here. Also, I've began to sparingly review albums. So I decided to change the name to reflect that. Hope you guys can understand that. Thank you.
And now, on with the review.

So, Big Sean's got some problems with a girl he broke up with, and he decides not to be around her again. Except he doesn't. stop. talking. about her. Let's hear Big Sean give his reasons for why he doesn't want to fuck with some girl he's...still fucking with, with "I Don't Fuck with You" featuring E-40.

It's better to use the lyric video to listen, because the music video is just barely-useful short film that cuts off the music in parts.

"I don't fuck with you
You little stupid ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you"
-So apparently, Big Sean does not like this girl any. In case you haven't noticed...
You little, You little--
"You little" what? Come on, you got the words in your adult-sized head. What is it?
--dumb ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you!"
--Was that so hard?
"I got a million trillion things I'd rather fuckin' do
--Okay, then do them.
Than to be fuckin' with you
--Then why are you still talking about her?
Sounds like a 12-year-old whining about how he doesn't like this girl.
Little stupid ass--I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck, I don't, I don't, I don't give a fuck
No, scratch that; more like 7-year-old whining.
Bitch I don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do
Don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do
--Then WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL TALKING ABOUT HER?!?!

"I heard you got a new man, I see you takin' a pic
Then you post it up, thinkin' that it's makin' me sick
BLOOP BLOOP!
I see you calling, I be makin' it quick
Imma answer that shit like: "I don't fuck with you!""
--Good; you don't care!! Now, leave it alone and move on.
"Bitch I got no feelings to go"

"I swear I had it up to here, I got no ceilings to go
I mean for real, fuck how you feel/
Fuck your two cents if it ain't goin' towards the bill, yeah"
-Yes, he doesn't give a shit about her. And yet, this is after he breaks up with her.
"And everyday, I wake up celebratin' shit (why?)?
Cause I just dodged a bullet from a crazy bitch"

--And yet it sounds like she's the one dodging it and you're the crazy bitch

"I stuck to my guns, that's what made me rich"
That's what put me on, that's what got me here, That's what made me this"
No, making shit music that Kanye West finds good is what got you here, and what made you rich.
"And everything that I do is my first name"
--Yeah, I don't think "All I Do is Sean" makes sense.
"These hoes chase bread, aw damn, she got a bird brain"
And you must be the bird-feeder, right?
"And you know I'm rollin' weed that's fuckin' up the ozone/I got a bitch that text me, she ain't got no clothes on"
--And you're wondering why she's a crazy bitch

"And then another one text, then your ass next
And I'm gonna text your ass back like"
"U cute, but u wit anotha man" Nope, not really, it's this.
"I don't fuck with you!"
-So, from just the first verse, as the lyrics entail, instead of quickly moving on and dating another girl, decides to stalk his ex's every move, and look at everything she's doing as if he thinks she's doing them to him.

While he sees it like this:

I see it like this:

It would make a lot more sense to say why you don't fuck with her like she doesn't like your living arrangement, your choice in music, your favorite foods, hell, she probably doesn't like the sex positions you use/ If you said any of those, instead of her having "a bird brain", then you would've gotten something there. But no, we get this shit.
Some have believed this song is a Take That at ex-girlfriend, Naya Rivera of Glee fame. I don't see it however. Sean says in an interview that this is an Anthem for guys who have ex-girlfriends who keep throwing themselves at the guys like leeches. That would make sense if the lyrics don't sound like the men just won't let their girl go and continues to be in their ex's life until she blocks him, he follows her, and she sics her new man on him. And then he's over it. But either way, this song is fucking stupid. The lyrics are pretentious and haphazard, to the point where it feels like a parody, because of the lyrics and Sean's performance, but sounds too legit to be so.

And E-40's lyrics are the same old shit.
"Got a million things on my mind
Executive deals online, limited amount of time
Chasin' these dollar signs and you ain't on your grind"
Money, money, and more money.
--
"From the Bay to the Murder Mitten, my niggas put murder missions
She choose him, that's her decision, free my niggas in prison
On the phone with a bitch who can't do shit
For a pimp but make a nigga hella rich"
Free (insert name of guy in prison who committed a crime good enough to keep him there, and doesn't deserve to leave)
--
"Barely Harley, I'm chromeless, you might end up domeless
I bet you she into me, her cheddar, she givin' me
I make a bitch stand outside forever like the Statue of Liberty"
Guns, hoes and money: a winning combo.
--
"Why you always coming around with bad news? (bad news)
Say you want me to win, but hope I lose (hope I lose)
Ass never rock with other niggas in the crew
But them niggas cool, it's just that"

See? Same old shit.
Sure, I'm a guy that's completely out of many girls' leagues, and I would never be a part of any crew that these guys claim to be in, but I'm not a guy who does these things. If I break up with a girl, I usually end up sad and depressed, barely able enough to get out of the house, and eat ice cream and binge-watch Friends until everyone notices something's wrong. And in my case, that'll take a while. But this is what black men usually do in the case of a relationship; putting pride above the girl, and then looking like a creepo with the front of being a G, and moving on. As you found out at this point, that's not true. At all.


The last verse sort-of redeems it, with Sean saying he has a new girlfriend in his life and he's grateful for it, and that things couldn't get better, with the part about how people break up a lot these days being pretty good and true as well. (I'll give him credit for that) But he ruins it by bringing up the previous girl for the tenth time

and ends the song on that note.

This song is bad. Really fucking bad.
Big Sean, I don't fuck with you. Same to E-40.

See you next time!! Until then, I need to be careful around girls. More than girls need to be more careful around me.

Nick Criticized for "Oggy and the Cockroaches" Scene

Who knew Nickelodeon still has it in them?

I was watching The View this morning and a graphic pulls up reading "Nickelodeon Controversy", and I was like, "Oh God, what did they do now?" Well, in an episode of French series Oggy and the Cockroches, there is a picture hung up in a room with a female wearing a bikini with no top on. Her tits are as big as cantaloupes.


This aired on Nicktoons here in the States a few days ago, and a young viewer with eyes like a hawk caught the scene and showed it off to everyone else. Then parents got pissed.

Really?
People, Nickelodeon has always been known for controversial content in its' programming. I don't know why you all are shocked about this, when it all happened when you all were kids!
Rugrats

Rocko's Modern Life

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

Ren & Stimpy (dear GOD, Ren & Stimpy)

Animaniacs

iCarly

SpongeBob

And it continues to this day.

So this shouldn't be surprising. Maybe this popped up because the show sucks. I don't blame you, but there will be radar-screwing content in cartoons whether they are good are bad. So you can't say something about this when it's all happening since we all are kids. This isn't shocking, and shouldn't be anymore.

Even more shocking is that I heard the news first on The View! That's not something a 21-year-old guy like me should be watching without irony.

Wait, I've never heard of this show before. Is it really from America?


Oh. Well. Uh. It is a France-produced show. And you know what the French were back in the 20th century. They loved them some striped shirts. Oh, and, yeah, sex.

Funday Friday: #11--Mean Tweets w/ Barack Obama

Again, Happy Funday Friday, guys.
President Obama made his first appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live on Thursday, discussing his tweeting habits, his seating arrangement, the continuing riots in Ferguson, MO and race relations, his daily life in the White House, student aid and free Community College admittance and the things he does with the First Family.
Here are the segments right here below:








But the real part we were waiting for was when he starred in an edition of one of the show's beloved segments "Mean Tweets". In it he reads tweets from people who don't like him, tweets about him being blamed for dumb shit, and dumb-as-hell tweets too funny not to show.
Here it is.


This segment is awesome. Watching celebrities read brutal tweets from jerks, and taking them in stride. The tweets themselves are hilarious, and their reactions are just as funny. I do feel a little ashamed at times to laugh at these tweets, but since these celebs are reading them in jest and earnest, I can feel good to laugh my ass off. And now we can add Barack Obama to the list. He really did like a pro, and was just as funny with his reactions as were the tweets.
This is absolutely my second-favorite segment, with This Week in Unnecessary Censorchip taking first place. Jimmy Kimmel shows knows how mean-spirited funny, and I applaud him for it. And I also applaud him for getting the President on his show.

Funday Friday:: #10--The Notorious D.I.N.O.

Hey, everyone, and happy Funday Friday.
This is a surprising mash-up--The Notorious BIG and 90s sitcom Dinosaurs.

Popular YouTube user Jonathan Roberts not only did the unthinkable, but did the awesome as well.
In this clip, which went viral (I mean it has to) since it's release on Tuesday (with over 2.5 million views), Earl Sinclair, main character of the cult sitcom with where the characters are talking dinosaurs played by people in dinosaur suits, is in place of the legendary Biggie Smalls, mouthing away (in many clips used here) to his iconic song "Hypnotize".
It's parts hilarious, parts frightening (if you've never watched the show before), and parts awesome (for the super hard work this guy put into this video, paying off big time.)

the pic is foreshadowing for the craziness we're in for

I'm honestly a fan of this vid, and I can't stop playing it. Watching the dinosaur man matching the lyrics of Biggie is hilarious and astonishing. Dude, you're awesome, and I hope you make more of this unlikely mash-up videos sometime soon.

Thanks to Entertainment Weekly (specifically Will Robinson, publisher of the article) for the article on the video, and thanks a lot for believing we're afraid of it, like we're 4 years old.
http://www.ew.com/article/2015/03/11/notorious-bigs-hypnotize-terrifyingly-performed-dinosaurs

My Thoughts on Blogger's "Porn Content Policy"

Hey, everyone.
If you have a blog website powered by Blogger, you can check this out.

Now, last month, Blogger (a blog service that publishes blogs, like my blog) announced that it will implement a new policy, forcing blogs to end up private in it contains sexually explicit content or graphic nudity. But in a twist I didn't see coming (mostly because I didn't look for much updates since then), many Blogger blog owners were pissed and responded to the policy by demanding the policy be nixed. The higher-ups listened (well, had to) and the backed down and stopped the plan from happening.

Here's what I think:
I think this was bullshit. This is a blog; here, people say their own opinions on what they want, when they want to and should say what they want, and say what they feel. Even if said opinion contained sexual content or imagery. And this is a website on the Internet; even if it spouts stupid shit all the time, it's something that contains something that has your personal opinion. And yeah, the First Amendment has a part in this, too; but that's obvious.

At the time, I didn't say a thing about it, as I think my blog doesn't contain such. But then I remembered a post I published earlier in the year about a man cheating on his wife, with the wife committing revenge by cutting off his penis. Because of that, and the announcement coming in weeks later, it had me thinking "This could be my fault. This can't be a coincidence."

Had this policy been fully implemented, many bloggers with sites like this would be deprived of their actual voice and opinions (and in the case of pron blogs, their moans and macho-ness) and have to try to say what the concept of their blogs imply. So it's good thing that the backlash came, and in full effect.

I'm happy that the higher-ups at Google have decided to relent on this, and that we as bloggers will continue to say their personal opinions without beating around the bush. Again, I do think I may have a fault in this, and if I did, I apologize. I really don't want to ruin the verbal freedom of other bloggers directly or indirectly, and giving them less of am option to discuss their feelings on taboo subject more publicly.

SNL 40 Review: Chris Hemsworth & Zac Brown Band

Well, folks, it’s happened again. SNL 40 has found another host from a big movie. This time, it’s Chris Hemsworth...and the movie (Avengers: Age of Ultron) hasn’t even been released yet. It’s fine that SNL can have a guest host to promote a film or TV show, but the thing about that that annoys me is that they have a sketch that parodies said film or TV show. That aggravates me. But let’s get this started before I hold up half a page about me rambling on about why I hate this (aka, like usual).

The Cold Open is a televised message from Hillary Clinton, talking to the American people about a group of alleged emails that were traced to her earlier last week involving political issues like Benghazi. She denies them and decided to mention her running to become President. She later showed her emails proving she has nothing to hide...except her huge interest in becoming President….if she chooses to run.

This is the first sketch involving Kate Mc taking over the role of the former First Lady and Secretary of State from former cast member Amy Poehler. She does a fantastic job doing so and can really make a perfect secretive, awkward and pseudo-normal politician. I believe McKinnon can be the best Hillary Clinton impersonator and can certainly hold her own against Poehler and other former cast members who have played her in past decades.
McKinnon is seriously holding onto a hot streak this season. She knocks every other character (one-shot, recurring or impersonation) out of the park and continues to be one of the most consistently good SNL cast members. It’s like the writers and producers start to have a favorite in her and shuns the rest of the cast for her (I don’t blame them, though). Even if her appearing in half the sketches in every show can annoy me, I can say that I can take her over the norm.

After the open, Chris comes to the stage for the Monologue. And I didn’t like it.

So here is a list of things he was expected to slip up (aka written by the writers):
-Mentioning he was on Dancing with the Stars Australia (Who cares?)
-Mentioning Thor as his biggest role? (No shit.) (Although I chuckled when he mentioned Gone Girl)
-Mentioning he has brothers? We know he has one of them. (Sorry, Luke.)
The Mono was questionably short, but I’ll take that as it wasn’t really funny and really boring. Plus, Chris uttered "Uhh" more than once; chalk that up to nerves. Another thing is the Q&A part wasn't that good. Just like last time.
Also, apparently the wardrobe department has never seen the Hemsworth brothers to get the point that they’re not blonde, as Kenan is shown to be when he comes on stage as "fourth brother" Callum. Also, Kate Mc shows up as the brothers' (and "Callum"'s) mother. Seriously, she's their favorite.

The Sketch After time, and first things first: Why does Disney Channel look like Disney Junior?

The sketch feels more like something that would fit more on NBC during its’ Saturday Morning block in the 90s, and the acting really feels like Saved by the Bell or California Dreams on caffeine pills. TKill was really annoying as one of the twins, thanks to his usual voice sounding a child character. At least it works spoofing what characters on Disney Channel show sound like. And another thing:

Does anyone remember Splitting Image?? One twin is skinny, the other fat?? Yeah, Brother 2 Brother is just like that, but w/ guys. #SNL

— Andrew Pollard (@APollard36) March 8, 2015

My apologies. The correct title is "Mirror Image", when I thought it was "Splitting..."

Yep, this sketch is just like Mirror Image from season 33.

Just change the gender, height, and Disney network and you’ve got a match in laziness. At least they got the part where Disney Channel characters are either stupid or nerdy down pat. And the catchphrases. “Oh, brothers!” Genius.
It does get better when Marky goes to Matty’s class, pretending to be him, with the teacher and students seeing through the ruse and making creepily-detailed comparisons between them. The best of such came from Baby Aidy when her character compares the sizes, shapes and textures of their asses. It comes to a head when Marky blurts out “My dick is bigger!”. Seriously, how does he know who has the bigger penis?

Next up a pre-tape spoofing Fox’s white-hot (or should I say black-hot? ...Yeah, I shouldn’t.) drama Empire.

Unlike the many many name drops of Thor and the very-anticipated sketch featuring the Marvel character, it was a good thing that this happened. But I found the angle of throwing in a white character for the sake of pulling in white viewers to be annoying and stupid. There already is a white character in the cast, and the show already has a big white audience, so the concept here was moot. But the execution was pretty good.
Kenan returned to form as Terrence Howard/Lucious Lyon (again nailing the voice and mannerisms), SaZam played a really good Cookie, Pharoah was a fine Jamal, LesJones was a hilarious Porsha and Michael Che (in what could be his second ever sketch, to my surprise) was a fine (and more masculine) Hakeem. Chris was kinda dull as the straight-laced white Chip, but if you know how urban shows with predominantly African American cast, you will know how this turns out.
Also, I can’t help but realize that Andre was not in this sketch. I mean, I know SNL has a limited number of Black cast members, but it’s not that hard to ask a guest star to portray him. Why not Keegan Michael Key or Jordan Peele or Finesse Mitchell? Remember him? He was a cast member for a few years. Any of these guys or some others I haven't mentioned would’ve been perfect to play him. Oh yeah, except (SPOILERS)
he’s in a psychiatric hold in the next episode.
So yeah, that kinda makes sense. So overall, a very solid spoof on Empire.

Spaceship Chicken
In the distant year of 3041, the crew of the SS Orion must make a decision to save their lives, involving their captain...which happens to be a chicken.

This was an odd, but really funny sketch. The chemistry between Hemsworth and the chicken was strangely compelling. And the reveal with the “Captain” in a microwave was hilarious. The crew about to eat their commanding officer was also funny.

The Iggy Azalea Show
Honestly, this skit can go fuck itself.

The only thing this sketch had going for it: The Usuals (CecStrong, Moyni, Kenan or TKill) weren’t in this one. And Kate Mc has a wonderful fake Australian accent, and can use it amazingly, and can switch between it and Azalea’s rapping voice. And that small part where the Aussie guy twerked on Azealia Banks. Other than that, fuck this sketch.


Of course, we were going to get a sketch involving the Marvel super heroes. It just had to happen. So I should feel disgusted in myself for finding this one of the best sketches.
All of the males playing the heroes:
(-TKill as Tony Stark/Iron Man
-Pete Dave as Bruce Banner/The Hulk, and
-Pharaoh as Nick Fury)
were amazing, alongside Hemsworth as Thor. Hems certainly had the energy here, and it was amazing to see. I even like Moyni and Cecily in this.
A great sketch here.

“Soap Opera/Movie Set/Who Cares/It Sucks”
A scene takes place in a soundstage where a scene is taking place. After the director yells cut, things got weird.

The sketch (whether a soap opera or a drama film) just fell flat. And got flatter as it continues. I just didn’t like this. And not much was known about this before hand; I thought this taping was for a soap opera, not a movie.It was flat, boring, didn’t have enough laughs out of me to sustain half the run time, and I nearly fell asleep towards the end.
Which is ironic, as the director used to work on “Family Matters”, a very funny sitcom.
The only good thing came when Hemsie’s character said “Dying?!” in a funny way.

Beck an’ Kyle: Reality House
Beck an’ Kyle wasn’t funny this week. Seriously…

I was really confused when I watched it live, and usually, I get the concept and plots of the clips, and they’re odd as hell. But this was different for my brain for my absorb. And my brain absorbs a lot. Fortunately, I got less confused after rewatching it. It did get funnier, and Hemsie was pretty good here.

The Former Porn Stars are back!!...again!!!
This time they’re endorsing Dolce & Gabbana fragrance.

Still funny after all these years. And Idiot with No Name is still an idiot...but hilarious.
Chris was as funny as Dong Juan De Black Hole. And I’m a guy, and this is super obvious, but he has some nice abs. Yeah, really ripped there.



Zac Brown Band was the musical guest this week, and for their first time, the did better than Hemsworth. Sorry, fangirls. He’s not ready for not being ready for primetime yet. They were just amazing. I’m not a fan of this band, but I was amazed by their music. A perfect mix of folk, rock and country that makes happy that pop is my favorite genre anymore. For proof...
Here is “Homegrown”, a poppy, happy song about the family, friends and hometown you love so much, that it’s all you need in life to be happy.

and here is “Heavy is the Head”, a damn good darker, rockier riff featuring Chris Cornell.

Really, this sounds like it could be the theme song for Sons of Anarchy or Justified or Breaking Bad. Everybody rocked out hard and it was freakin’ awesome.
Well done to the Band for a fantastic performance, and helping me prove that this season, SNL has excelled in music when it can’t the same for the sketches sometimes.

Time For an Update
Part 1:

Part 2:


Surprisingly, Update was great this, and it had me wondering: are the writers actually listening to us? Are they actually fixing their mistakes of making a really terrible WU team in Colin Jost and Michael Che? It is actually funnier now? I guess this leads to a resounding...Maybe.
The repeated shots at Republican Presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson was hilarious. Piling on the guy was just painfully delicious.
Also, the thing where Jost whin--I mean, talks with Che about the latter getting funnier jokes was weird, I mean Colin does have some good one-liners under his belt every now and then, but this was odd. The joke he was given was creepy, and does prove the point that the dull, droll Colin Jost can’t do a joke like Michael Che to save his life. I do feel this is a satire of Jost’s boring-ass delivery in previous edition, but, in my opinion, it fell a little limp. (Pun intended)
--

Relationship Expert Leslie Jones returned for more talk about dating in New York. This wasn’t as funny as her other appearances. She just yells every other sentence and the jokes make no sense. At least she has the “kind words” with Colin to fall back on. And his “Nice Transition” was really funny.
--

Legendary CecStrong character The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation with at a Party returned to discuss horrible terrorist groups Boko Haram and ISIS joining forces...and of course she butchers the shit out of everything she’s saying.
Cecily still knocks it out of the park every time she shows up on Update, and continuously makes me laugh.

Favorite Bits:
All the Dr. Ben Carson jokes


Best Sketches:
Spaceship Chicken
Former Porn Stars: Dolki & Gabbana
Hillary Clinton CO
Honorable Mention:
Brother 2 Brother (started out really bad, but got better as time went on)
The Avengers sketch

Best Pre-Tapes:
AmEx Spot
Empire Promo

Worst Sketches:
Soap Opera (definitely)
The Iggy Azalea Show

Again, Kate Mc is pretty much the star of the episode, and that is a damn good thing. She can portray any character, be great at it, and steal any sketch she's in. And she doesn't disappoint or annoy me.
And some other thing to mention, everyone else appeared in a few sketches at best. I barely noticed any of them so much that I thought it was just Kate McKinnon Being Funny & Chris Hemsworth Being Hot. It was kinda sad, but at least everyone did get a few lines individually, so that's a good thing.

Well...this just tied with the last episode as worst episode of the season. You know, I been on a roll lately. Every time a bad episode comes up, I call it the worst episode, but then, the next episode comes and tops that one, and I end up calling that the worst. It just seems to continue.
The first three were a mixed-yet-pretty-good group of episodes, but then after the 40th Anniversary special, the humor quality plunged gradually. Say what you want about the last episode hosted by Dakota Johnson, but at least it has a few really solid sketches. This one on the other hand was just a mess. There were barely any good laughs from me outside of little “butt joke” in the Brother 2 Brother sketch, the Avengers sketch and the FPS sketch. It was all just boring, corny and a waste of time. The writers did not do their best and you can clearly feel it through the cast’s mouths. Hemsworth was mediocre and near lifeless, and no look at his face or his chest isn't going to save him or the episode. He did his best, and I'll give him credit for it (he did well in some of the sketches), but it wasn't enough,

I would’ve skipped this entirely after Update and make it back for the second performance, before turning off the TV, but I had to do this for the Review. This was embarrassingly bad and I dread for the next episode. Hopefully they learn a lesson to never waste time on writing host-pandering sketches involving whatever TV show or movie he/she is promoting at the moment, and just write sketches.

Tune in--well, I don’t know. For whatever reason, Darrell Hammond didn't announce the host and musical guest for next week, having me thinking that I missed the bumper before commercial break. But I didn’t. Its' social media pages didn’t show the lineup, and the Wikipedia article didn’t have it posted either. And usually, if it’s not airing the following week, then Hammond would reveal the line-up for the ep that would air in the next two weeks. What the hell, Lorne? I know you guys have breaks every now and then, but this is strange. I need to know! What is up with SNL weird arrangement?? Unfortunately, we won’t know, and I’m too lazy to get to the bottom of this...so, umm...join me...whenever...for the next
Saturday Night Live 40 Review. I’m Andrew, and...uhh...see you later, I guess.

UPDATE:
Or maybe on the 28th. It was announced on the social media pages that Dwayne Johnson will host Episode 16, with musical guest, George Ezra (who?). Finally, the Mystery that not many cared about is solved. It's just going the Disney Channel route of stretching episode airings very apart. Strange, huh? See you then!!

Short/Long Album Review: The End

Hey, everybody. Can I tell you something, please?

This is a first and something big for me and the Maroon Mondays blog, as I’m usually known for my thoughts on the big news of the day and sometimes for reviewing songs and TV shows. Most notably, back in November, I’ve reviewed Cartoon Network’s first (and critically-acclaimed) mini-series Over the Garden Wall. This was the first time outside of 1 Season Wonder that I reviewed a television series. I also reviewed its’ haunting and beautifully amazing music in a special edition of Short/Long Music Review. So, why am I mentioning the series?

Well, this big project of mine is reviewing albums; not just one song at a time, but full blown LPs. I call it Short/Long Album Review. I’ll probably do this on a more scarce basis than Short/Long Music Review, meaning once every three months or so, maybe longer that. I’ve been thinking of doing this album review since the day I first heard this it. And that was almost two weeks ago.
For now, let’s get started, shall we?

The album I am reviewing is The End by Patrick McHale.
You may have recognized this name before; he’s the creator of the aforementioned Over the Garden Wall, and also previously worked on The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack and Adventure Time (all of which aired on Cartoon Network). So basically, he’s a really good animator.

But what you didn’t know about him is that he’s also a musician. And after listening to this record, he’s a damn good one at that. How so? He wrote and composed almost all the songs on the album (with the lone song being “Death Come Slow”, which was mostly composed by Isaac Giuseppe).

The End is an album consisting of demos McHale written between 2005 and 2006, and recorded between 2007 and 2009. The record was never in line with its intentionally planned state, and McHale never did perfect the album before release. He released the compilation on February 22, 2015, on his page on Bandcamp as what you hear today. And yet, it still sounds perfect for a legitimate album. This one is a concept of haunting, fuzzy, and scary, yet beautiful, titillating and pleasing music that explains why OTGW was so great musically.

(Also, I’m not great at telling which instruments are played in this record, so I’m guessing by ear. I apologize if you think this makes the review a little more sloppy.)
So let’s get started, shall we?



The first track is “Be Still”, an instrumental involving whistles and guitar work.
When it started, I knew what I was getting into, but as the record continued, I realized that I actually didn’t. The soft banjo work, the quiet, echoing whistles and the use of wind effects in the background work perfectly together, and really take me to a dark, dreary place. A place you’ll stay in for a minute, but you’ll never want to leave.
--
And this “dark-and-dreary-ness” continues in the next track, “Death Come Slow”, which, from the moment I first heard this (along with the rest of the album), I knew this would be one of my favorites. This is the first single involving McHale’s vocals (if you don’t ). The beat is absolutely amazing; I hear many instruments used here like Bass, Guitar, Banjo, Bells, ect.
I’m not sure exactly what is played here, but all of these just make the song work extremely well.
In fact, listening to this reminds of me of Over the Garden Wall, with the lush vocals, rough, not-really-inconsistent music, and faded background vocals really sound like a song that could play as a transition between scenes in a Chapter of the series.
--
Track #3 is very short, along with a name that’s a bitch to pronounce (and I assume that Pat had a hard time finding a title for it). It’s called "<><><>" (but I’ll call it “Enclosed”). Here is a small use of accordion layered with thunder clapping. It sounds really nice, and feels like you’re in a thunderstorm but you feel the sun shining through the clouds and the rays beaming in your face. Maybe it’s just me listening to it with my eyes closed in a lit-up room on a rainy day, but I feel much better much happier from it.
--
Straight after it is “Ain’t Shallow Enough”. This is another song that reminds me of Over the Garden Wall (which is why I love this one so much). The background vocals make the song shine bright (ironic as it sounds so dark, gloomy and dreary) and McHale’s vocals are just fantastic, even when they die down with the sound effect of wind chimes coming in. In fact, the use of wind chimes at the end is also a plus, as it not only fits with the tone of the song, but reminds me dearly of the start of the 1994 Spike Lee Joint my family watches all the time called Crooklyn. This is another of my favorites I’ll always listen every time I listen to it
--
Track #5 is “Man”, a track that gave me straight up chills and gets me very emotional every time I hear it. When I heard this song for the first time, I suddenly saw my past flash before my eyes. And I’ve mentioned before that my life isn’t that great. As the chorus reads

“You know it’s hard to be a Man/Your heavy breathing is hard to stand”

I closely identify with it, and realize that it really is hard to grow up to be a man, and if you were ever put in my shoes, you’d really see why. I love how as the track continues, McHale is joined by other singers singing the chorus alongside him. It adds to the sad, mopey sound it has going on, and makes for a very good exposition. And speaking of the exposition, damn. It’s very powerful and really helped me see a whole new perspective of what manhood is, and I can’t imagine how hard Pat had it when he grew up (if he did have a bad childhood; I don’t know much about him).
I’ll never know where life takes me from here as I grow up, but I can really thank this song for telling me that it’s not going to be easy.
But there is one thing that much less easier than that. It’s that the song suddenly ends (which is a damn shame, as I curiously wonder what that sounds) and segues to…
--
#6--”Good Luck”

My name’s not Charlie, but I didn’t have much to work with this one.

I was surprised to notice that I reached a song I DIDN’T like with this one. Fortunately, I was already half way through the album to reach it. I really didn’t like the beat; the fuzzy, booming, choppy-as-hell beat is loud and ugly, that it sounds like a song recorded by Kanye West for his album Yeezus but didn’t make the cut. Also, I could barely hear the vocals of McHale and a female singer, which may or may not be the point in terms of the concept, depending on who you are. Plus after every other piece of verse features a sound that sounds like a distortion of a tiger roaring (or coughing up a hairball), and I really don’t like that. Plus the end is a loud boom that closes it that really hurts my ears, puts a very bad taste in my mouth and leaves me very uncomfortable. This is a very weak track, and one track will not listen at all when I play this record (probably unless I’m really angry and need to shut out the world.)
--
The next song, “Hair All in Knots” is slightly better than the previous. It’s a straight-up pop track with booming (in a good way this time) bass and a really super-cool beat that’s similar to some of the songs you heard on the radio in the past decade. And it’s a pop beat that I actually like better than many of the beats from those other songs. I like this way better than “Good Luck”, and I feel saddened and ashamed that this one is shorter than the former. Oh well, can’t fret too much; I didn’t produce these songs, and if I made them, I’d feel the exact way everyone else did when it was made, and keep it the same way.
--
Fortunately, there was comfort and relief ahead as we reach the next track, “Exhume”. This one is mostly music, and I was happy for this--not because Pat is a terrible singer, far from it--but because the smooth, amazing composition I heard. The soft, gentle, soothing, quiet organ (I think) sound is absolutely wonderful to the ears and the brain, and listening to it just feels like it takes me to another land. Another land of sunshine, pink clouds, fresh air, spring-grown trees, crystal blue waters and endless fun and happiness. All you can do is lay down under the shade and enjoy the day unfolding in front of you, and you want to stay forever. I also love this bumping noise throughout the bulk of the track; it’s a good thing the song wasn’t polished, because the noise makes it sound more authentic and fresh.
The song ends in a completely different piece, which I love just as much. In a way, this part is like the warning telling you it’s time to leave this other land and return to the real world.
I really love this song so much and definitely considered it one of my favorites from the start.
--
And finally we reach the last track on “The End” called...”The End”.
It’s a really small, but really sweet bonus track about sharing time with the one you love, like dancing. It’s a very nice track with a wonderfully solid beat. It’s not the best in the bunch, but is very cutesy enough to be one of my favorites.
In fact, the beat reminds me of the built-in music played on WebTV. You remember WebTV? It’s a device by MSN that brought the Internet (via a phone cord connection) to your TV. My family had a device when I was a child, and it was freaking awesome! It has music that plays when in use that I still have in my head after all these years, and this track brings back those memories.
I honestly enjoyed this song, and will find this in my head as one of those catchy, groovy songs that'll stay in my head for the rest of my life.

He says on the website for the album on Bandcamp that he apologizes for the rough recording quality and low volume; but in my opinion, I think that makes the album sound better in terms of the concept and sound. It can explain why my volume is at 100% on my computer every time I listen to it, but the rough, cracked quality just works in the record’s (and Pat’s) favor.

I apologize for all some sentences that say "I think" or "I’m not sure" in the song reviews; it’s because I’m not entirely sure what instruments were used in these songs. Since McHale never mentions what instruments were used on the album, besides what was used in “Death Come Slow”, and the use of sounds found in the public domain, I had to figure out what was used just from my limited knowledge of instruments, and it doesn’t do much help as it seems. But it doesn’t matter, as, to me, makes the album work even more. The mysterious nature of the music and the unknown state of the list of instruments makes the concept and nature of the record work so well and establish it as a fantastic collection of demos.

Another tidbit about the record is that it was originally titled “Be Still Thy Roots Beneath the Soil” (a really awesome name on its’ own). From that, it gives the concept much more meaning. and makes it sound much cooler, even if it isn’t the official title. To be honest, it really makes The End look and sound basic and generic in comparison, even though the latter isn’t that bad a title.

Pat also revealed that really didn’t want to add in the title track in the final cut (which explains the inclusion as a bonus track), but did so anyway as a joke referring to the fact that it was the final track. Either way, I really wouldn’t mind if this or “Exhume” ended the album; these are both really good songs to end it on.

I wish the album was finished and sold as a true album; I would’ve enjoyed this a little bit more than I had here, but I'd still love it as much as I had as a demos record. The songs may seem like demos, but to me, there’s so much more to them. They’re unfinished masterpieces with their own style and flavor, yet cohesive and tight-knit enough to tell a story, and a really good story at that. I enjoyed every track (Yes, even “Good Luck”) on this album enough to listen to it three times in a row when Pat released it on February 22, and I’ve been listening to it (and closely enjoying it) ever since. As I said at the start, Patrick McHale is a damn good animator and a damn good musician, and I really want to check out his other music on Bandcamp. And I really love to listen to any new material he down the road someday.

Consider me a fan. A...Pat-head if you will.

The End is a really haunting, yet beautiful album to listen to and I highly recommend it. As far as albums go, I’ll give it a rating of 4/5, but just barely. But as far as demo CDs go, I’m giving it a 5/5. I’ve never listen to demo CDs before, so this is the first, and it’s a really great start.

Well, guys, thank you all for joining me for the first ever edition of Short/Long Album Review. It's been a lot if hard work, but I'm glad to reach this point in the blog's history to do this. See you...whenever, when I find another album to review. Hopefully you guys can help me with this. See you next time!!

Funday Friday: #9--Wheel of MisForturne: Sneezy or Sneeky

Now, one of my all-time favorite shows is Wheel of Fortune. I love watching contestants spin the wheel, solve puzzles, and win money and prizes. It's one of the most fun, thrilling, enjoyable and amazing game shows (and TV shows) ever!

But in the past few seasons, some contestants have been considered memorable by viewers and fans...but for the wrong reasons. You see, when contestants solve the puzzle, they sometimes get it wrong. Not a big deal. But in a few cases, they get it so wrong (like mispronounce a word or the whole puzzle--or get an easy puzzle wrong, when everyone else got it right), they end up in infamy...and laughingstocks on Social Media.

Take for example, this puzzle from an episode that aired this week when -- of -- wanted to solve this puzzle from "Characters" involving the names of the title characters from Disney's ever-immortal classic Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

You guys can pretty much know what their names are just from looking at the Paused mode before playing the clip.

Apparently, it was that hard to remember all seven names. Oh well. By the way, "Sneaky" has an E and A, not two Es as it was clearly shown on the board. So, you are not all that forgiven, Boo Boo Kitty.

No doubt, there will be more fails to come, so stay tuned, folks.

Special SLMR: Birthday

Hey everyone. Welcome to a special edition of Short/Long Music Review, where I review certain songs on the day of my birth, and today I review a few songs that have the word "birthday" in the title. But here's the thing: they have close to nothing about birthdays. The first is about helping your significant other feel better after a crap day...by making him dance...and make him eat "cake".
It's "Birthday" by Katy Perry.



I heard you're feeling, nothing's going right/
Why don't you let me stop by?
The clock is ticking, running out of time/
So we should party--all--night
--Yeeeaaah, I don't think partying is gonna help a guy be happy on a crap day like this. The least he could do is knock a guy out or

So cover your eyes,
I have a surprise
I hope you got a healthy appetite
Oh you better hope so. Because there's no way he'll say no to a cake, some dancing and an irresistible orgasm. Except one thing: he will.
If you wanna dance,
If you want it all
You know that I'm the girl that you should call
Katy, don't you get it? He doesn't want to dance; he doesn't want cake; and maybe he'll eat you out, but I'm pretty sure he's too tired to give in to crazy demands.

Boy, when you're with me, I'll give you a taste
Make it like your birthday everyday/
I know you like it sweet, So you can have your cake
Give you something good to celebrate
Well, it seems nice that she's doing something as nice and caring as this. It's really nice that someone like Katy is going out to help a guy feel better and enjoy--wait, what?? "Give you a taste"?!? When you mean by taste, do you mean a taste of the cake icing or your saliva? Or even worse.
So make...a wish
I'll make it like your birthday everyday/
I'll be...your gift
Give you something good to celebrate
...aaand it's a sexual innuendo song. Using birthday metaphors and cake. I mean, this is Katy Perry. She's known for cutesy sex songs, so of course this song exists. So it's pretty obvious that a sex line that everyone won't take forever to get will be found here.

So hot and heavy...'Til...dawn
--And I'm right. Again.

So let me get you in your birthday suit
It's time to bring out the big balloons/
So let me get you in your birthday suit
It's time to bring out the big, big, big, big, big, big balloons
--Big balloons?? What big balloons? Do you mean...your boobs or...his...ew.

Okay...this song is catchy. And gross.
On one side, the sexual mentions make me want to stop eating cake for a while (especially the frosting, as it reminds me a something else), and Katy's tries to hide it fail and end up weak and corny.
On the other hand, the beat is really good: because of the throwback boom many popular genres of the 60s, 70s and 80s (including Disco) are now of use in many songs this decade (including this song), which uses disco very well. Plus the lyrics are admittedly catchy and Katy's vocals are pretty fine. In fact, listening to it sweet and sappy nature, you'd think that it was originally made with kids in mind (which is funny, because of the cake references and cake is sweet). You'd be forgiven if you think this song wouldn't be out of place on Radio Disney, Nickelodeon or Disney Channel.

So yeah, catchy lyrics, gross implications, wonderful beat--all-in-all, pretty good song, I like it a lot, and at least it has something to do with birthdays anyway. At least no one mentions that it's not they're birthday more than once to us like we're all idiots!

Special SLMR: Birthday Cake

Today continues a special tradition of this: reviewing really bad songs on my birthday. So let's continue why I'm now pissed off about by birthday by reviewing some song that has nothing to do with birthdays and everything to do with why some people avoid sex like Iraq: "the Remix of Birthday Cake" by Rihanna featuring Chris Brown.



Come and put your name on it
Put your name on it
Come and put your name on it
Your name
Bet you wanna put your name on it
Put your name on it
Come and put your name on it
Ba-ba-baby
--So it's NOT this girl's birthday, and this guy she's with is eating some icing...and they never say anything about cake...oh God, gross!!

Ooh baby I like it, it’s so exciting
Don’t try to hide it
I’mma make you my bitch
--Yeah, because after that incident, I'm sure you'd love to make him your bitch, especially because the inmates in the prison he went to after said incident weren't so lucky.

I know you wanna bite this
Its so enticin'
Nothin' else like this
I'mma make you my bitch
--I'm not one to egregiously enjoy sex, but hearing this line, it really kills whatever curiosity I already have of biting someone's body part while banging them.

And it's not even my birthday
But you wanna put your name on it
And it's not even my birthday
And he tryna put his name on it

And there it is, the end of the of the song, a horrible minute-plus-long interlude about gross sex, biting people like zombies on a bad episode of The Walking Dead and ruins cake and icing for me. You can bet that This is one song I will never listen to again.
See you next month for another Short/Long Music Rev...
Okay, fine. You know there's another version involving the guy who...well, you know. The guy everyone despises so much more than I despise Rihanna's music...Chris Brown.
Let's just go his verses. (And maybe use some jokes that are as relevant now as they were in 2012)

Girl, I wanna fuck you right now
Been a long time, I’ve been missing your body
Let me-let me turn the lights down
When I go down, it’s a private party
--Yeah and maybe a party on the way to the precinct soon after.
Ooooh, it’s not even her birthday
But I wanna lick the icing off
--Eww.

Give it to her in the worst way
Can’t wait to blow her candles out
--Hey! Did you know Chris Brown brutally assaulted Rihanna six years ago? Yeah! Because this is what I see every time I hear "give it to me in the worst way"! I'm always reminded of that horrible incident where one pop star beat up another every time I hear this song. And that's not including the times I hear this directly are counted on one hand.

And on the other hand...I get why this is made. It's to show everyone that both parties put from the incident in the past and are moving on with their lives. I understand that,, more over because I wanted to move pat it too, but because of the special edition of non-scripted TV shows and jokes everyone made on Facebook and Twitter about Brown, I couldn't ignore it. But finally, I moved away from the incident and I'm enjoying the joys of everything else...that is until now.

Remember how you did it?
--Everyone did. We're just trying to forget.
Remember how you fit it?
--Yep. In your mouth like a foot in a sneaker.



...


...No comment.

ALSO, THE REPEATED MENTIONS OF IT NOT BEING RIHANNA'S BIRTHDAY. IT'S REALLY ANNOYING. It's one thing to say this in an episode of a TV show, but it's mind-numbingly annoying in a 3 minute song that we listen to many times. And DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE ICING THING.

This song is embarrassingly gross. Just Chris Brown and Rihanna singing about how much they want to have sex in full detail. Where's the appeal in that?!? I really don't like Rihanna's recent material and you'll be hard pressed to find a Chris Brown song I actually like. So this is a 1-2 knockout punch (pun intended) of unwanted coitus and unknown personality. There is nothing in this song I even remotely agree with, nor I find titillating. Why people even find this song great need to get their heads examined. I'm all for Chris Brown and Rihanna moving away from this incident and for this to disappear from the public conscience, but this was not needed to be the song that says this. It's more like it's saying "We're going to tell you, in detail, how much we wanna have sex, and how hard our intercourse is. And if you're disgusted, we don't give a fuck!"
Christ, I need alcohol. I never planned on listening to this ever, but here I am, continuing a tradition of listening to shit songs and reviewing them for my blog. Poor me.
And by the way: Did you know this song was released on the radio on my birthday?
...yeah. I'm still trying to wrap my brain on that.

Short/Long Music Review: 7/11

At first, you think this is a song about the joys of going to the convenience store for your favorite snacks, coffee, and quick fixes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But then you notice Beyoncé's name...and of course, that thought's thrown out the window.

The song we're treading through today is "7/11". A song about dancing, drinking, throwing your hands in the air and slapping legs in the air? Either this is one of the hundreds of party-party songs made this decade alone, or one about what goes down at church.

It's like subliminal messaging telling you to party like an babbling idiot.

Seriously?!? 2 people wrote this shit!?! Of all the songs that Beyoncé could make to represent the fact that Beyoncé doesn't hire 7-8 people to write songs all the time, why this??
This song is freaking repetitive; just some lyrics repeating over and over!! And that trap beat. My God, I hate trap music; not involving lyrics, but just the beat. I hate trap beats with a burning passion. And thanks to this song, I hate them even more. I'm not surprised Beyoncé can write something by herself or with one or a couple more people, but since she co-wrote this trite...I...I can't.

Why is this popular? Seriously, why??! Because fuck people who like complex music, that's why!! This song is shit, and we should know that it's shit, yet many people love it. Sure, we can like songs about having fun and partying once in a while (I'm fine with that and I'm all for it), but if I have to listen to another song telling me about someone putting their hands in the air, and their shoulders sideways (how the hell do you do that?!) and moving their legs around, I will shoot people.
That's if I don't have the grounds to shoot myself.
Songs like this disgust me. Just simple, banal and pygmy lyrics that everyone can have the short time to remember, crap-ass beats that just blare hard noise and droopy choppy sounds at you from every angle, and that all of this goes on for over 3 minutes. And of course, they all get popular because of these reasons.
And I can't stand shit like that.

On the other hand, the music video is absolutely good. It features Beyoncé dancing in random places (some by herself, some with dancers), and it's really fun and vibrant. This is a complete contrast from the videos of the era of her self-titled album, and I enjoyed it a lot. No extravagance, no overblown sophistication, no expenses, NO SEX. Just people dancing in a small environment and nothing else. And that's a good thing.

After this review, I plan on never listening to this song ever again. It's not only bad, it's stupid, and just challenges your intelligence every time...and wins. I cannot, for the life of me, understand everything about this track. All I can say about this is: I'm so glad this is not a true-blue single.

Dammit.

I know it's not possible to make a bad song automatically by hiring this many people to compose it, but it's a good one automatically either. So if this is what music is now, with loud bass, brain-throbbing beats and crap lyrics and terrible vocals...then I was wrong. I guess Beck IS better than Beyoncé.

Check back next month for another SLMR. Until next time...I need to find another convenience store chain to shop at for a while.

SNL 40 Review: Dakota Johnson & Alabama Shakes

It’s good to see that synergy has gone hand in hand.
Especially for NBCUniversal for the film 50 Shades of Grey. The stars have appeared on NBC’s Today for interviews and featured stories, and have been doing the press junket for this wonderful cancer of a film. Most recently, Dakota Johnson has appeared in the Saturday Night Live 40th Anniversary Special just to mention that she’ll be hosting an episode at the end of the month. (Jerry Seinfeld even referred to her as “from 50 Shades of Grey”). No one has heard of this woman outside of the short-lived TV series she’s starred in, Ben & Kate, and now she’s the next big thing in Hollywood because this thing that’s the closest thing to softcore porn we’ll ever get in mainstream film.
And now she’s here at SNL, hosting because she has nothing to do but promote the film. And for those of you who can tell, I hate this thing, not only for being a phenomenon in the Literature world, inspiring women to annoy the husbands/boyfriends into strange freaky sex every night because of this 400-page nightmare of BDSM and leather, but also being a hugely-anticipated film where the same women drag their significant others to it, hoping for some red-hot smooshing, leather wearing out and a woman falling in love with a man who only loves her for her body and things he wants to do to it. Yeah, you haven’t noticed? The film and book is about a guy raping a woman, and she finds it romantic.
And by the way, Universal Pictures has greenlit two more films for a 50 Shades trilogy to continue the nonsense. Uhh...what the hell is wrong with you people?

Honestly, since this has been officially announced, I really expected the writers to come up with a sketch based on this film and mocking it. Because usually the show can and will make a parody sketch out of any TV show, movie or music video the host of the episode has starred in. And this here is NO EXCEPTION.


The CO is a spoof on Fox News Channel’s The Real Story with Gretchen Carlson (at first)...with former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani (TKill) being interviewed by Carlson (Nessa B.) about his opinion about President Obama’s loyalty to the country. But during the break (of the “show”), Giuliani goes into Jack Handey mode, thinking of how he went from “America’s Mayor” to talking on a Fox News show. And from there…he starts walking...with a drum solo in distance.
I'll admit, I’ve never heard of Birdman before the SAG Awards nominations, let alone never seen it, so the deeper stuff definitely would fly over my head. But since I watched the TV spots and some clips during the Globes and Oscars, it was enough to enjoy this Open. So all in all, the CO was awesome and the Birdman spoof was brilliant. Beck Benn as BM Giuliani was the best part, with TKill (aka Usual #2) coming close in second by a hair. Host Dakota Johnson also did a great job as Emma Stone’s character, doing it a little bit justice, and made this one of the better performances of her entire gig.

(and if you haven’t gotten the shout-out yet, And Now…)

Dakota walks to the stage for the Monologue, and you can pretty much guess what she’s talking about.

The Mono was kind of a bore, and that’s a great thanks to Dakota’s glum delivery and her nerves getting the best of her. And the obvious joke based on 50 Shades of Grey did not help. When her famous parents, Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson, were shown, I thought they were covering their eyes to shield embarrassment from their daughter starring in Rihanna’s Music After Rated R: The Movie. Nope, they thought she was coming out naked. Really, writers??


I’ll say this right now:
The Pre-Tape After the Monologue features ISIS. Before I get annoyingly specific with details like I usually do, I will say, I was quite happy the ISIS mention is there. It shows that SNL can still push boundaries in some sketches after all these, and it did it. I had a huge feeling some twist would come up later, and I was right (I actually thought this would be a shot at Nationwide for that Super Bowl ad) but was enjoying it nonetheless. I even laughed at it, too.
These evil, disgusting, conniving ahithead assfaces really needed to be ripped a new one.
I figured that some people would bitch and moan at it, and boy they went at it. Come on, people!! THIS IS SNL; they’ve been known for this the most during the first 5 seasons, and you guys still eat it up like Little Chocolate Donuts. You all may Satire isn’t meant to be taken seriously, yet here we are.


The Sketch After is possible a parody of the upcoming film Cinderella...and it was corny as hell. I don’t know what to do with this except watch it and go “Wha?” Usual #’s 1 & 2 did nothing to make it palpable and Cecily Strong did her best as Cindy’s “mother/on-the-wagon junkie”, but this didn’t help matters.

From there, I had a feeling that this episode would be super corny. And I was right.

But not here though.

Another pre-tape involving the ladies, and being a spoof on the Microsoft commercials that features Sara Bareilles’ “Brave”. Here, we’re treated to them in different situations and the things they say are just like the lyrics to the amazing song implies.
This is hilarious, no doubt. Even if it was rude, I can’t help but laugh hard at this. Especially the part with Kate Mc on the crapper. Seriously, she can do no wrong.

(“50 Shades”) Press Junket
After that, a sketch spoofing the interview junket of “50 Shades of Grey”, Dakota Johnson (playing as herself) is being asked by a geek (KyMoo) some...uncomfortable and inappropriate questions for his school paper.

Mooney plays the geek character extremely well, and almost singlehandedly made him the Cast Member of the Week. And to think he wouldn’t have been had the sketches this week had gotten better. How surprising that the sketch I was dreading so much is actually really funny. Shocking, right?


I Can’t Even. Literally (used incorrectly). Like (used like you’re Shaggy Rogers).
I hate these terms so freaking much. Unfortunately, I had to watch people say these terms in a sketch. This made me want to commit murder to people who say these things, but fortunately for them (and me, because I can’t be someone’s bitch in jail; I already am in my family), I have restraint. Already from the first time one of them said “Can’t Even”, I called this my most hated sketch of the episode, and is already in competition to become the worst sketch of the entire season.
And I’m so glad I don’t have to see this again, because I’ve already typed my thoughts down while watching the show live. These people so annoyingly stupid and lazy that they make Patrick Star look like Sportacus from LazyTown, even if that’s the point and this skit is a satire on these terms. I really felt sorry for Margo (Baby Aidy), as she had to deal with these two dumb bitches and and a taint lick, even after falling down a window.

Worf M.D./Emergency Room

I don’t know about this one. I did laugh when Kenan came in as a very cool looking Dr. Worf from The Next Generation. And after that...nothing. This was a clear 4-minute tribute to Leonard Nimoy from Star Trek: The Original Series. And this was the second time the show paid tribute to a former guest host or guest; the first time was back in Episode 2, hosted by Sarah Silverman. But that was beautiful, compared to this absolutely terrible dreck. I will give the crew credit for doing this, though, as it was well-thoughtful to put together for him. Also, I was a little surprised when Pete Dave’s character would know who Worf is, but hey, Netflix.

Live Long and Prosper, Mr. Nimoy

Net Effect: Net Neutrality

Later on a talk show sketch on people of the Internet talking about Net Neutrality, a law passed by Congress to let the Internet be free and open to everyone, instead of controlled and watched by the government. It was...mediocre. The writing was weird; There was no segueing from guest to guest, the host didn’t go to other guests to ask questions, and the jokes were just weak; not even Jones’ performance could help this one (although I did laugh when she said “First!” which is a nod to commenters on YouTube using the word in their comments to brag about being, well, first to comment). Then it gets even worse when the guests do hand tricks, something not out of place in a sitcom on Nickelodeon and Disney Channel, with the laugh track turned up extra loud to make the joke seem like a gold mine.
I also liked the fact that some of the featured cast members got a sketch to do, and it was good to see them say a few more words in the episode, even if one of the Usuals (Moyni) also appear in it. The better part came later on when Konko and Davis smack-talked each other, leading Davis to tell him “tell it to my gold face, you blue son of a bitch!” I laughed hard. This extended to when Vincent Sur (Usual #2), one of the founders of the Internet, came on to berate the panelists about their professions; he later bitch-slaps the guests. He then smacks -- and she screams “Harder!!”. Okay, that one was funny. This was the only 50 Shades joke outside of the 50 Shades sketch I found funny all throughout the show. Another one was when
Also, a good thing: I now finally know how to do that hard trick with your hands. Thanks, Bobby!!

Mr. Riot Films

We close out with a Pre-Tape by Beck an’ Kyle parodying hidden camera shows. The subjects are bullying, people’s reactions, and gender equality in the workplace. I thought this one felt like a video made for YouTube, and that the dog part was weirdly hilarious. But weird is what they do, and they do great with it.

Let me say for the record, that this week’s musical guest Alabama Shakes is awesome.
The bassist’s beard is awesome. The drummer’s hair is awesome. The pianist’s hair is awesome. Brittany Howard’s hair, those glasses, and lipstick mouth is awesome. Even their name is awesome. It sounds like the name of the best milkshake you’ve ever had in your life and you’re willing to move to a new state just to buy more.

Their first song in the set, “Don’t Wanna Fight”, is my favorite. Howard really shines through and through with her vocals. The music is awesome, and the back-up singers accentuate her vocals, making this sound great. Even the screech she made at the start was great.

“Gimme All Your Love” is also a great performance. Forget those songs of the 80s, 90s and 00s, this will be the new song everyone will play during sex scenes in TV shows. Again, Howard really shines with her vocals, and that sound and tempo change in the middle was magnificent. If there would be a dream I would have for the next few months, it would be her singing this song to me during my more private moments: like using the bathroom, jerking off, watching House of Cards while eating cereal, eating Pop-Tarts on a whim, watching Maury, or singing it to her while in a lamb costume.
Again, this band is awesome, and I’m super glad they came back to the show. The music, sound, vocals and -- is fantastic, and I can’t wait any longer to listen to more of their music soon.

Time For an Update
Part 1:

Part 2:

If Weekend Update was one of the better parts of the episode, then you got a problem.
First off: Jost & Che...talked to each other. I know, it’s odd. It rarely ever happens. But it happened, and it was great. They need to do this more often. Oh yeah, and I didn’t fall asleep from Jost or get irritated from Che’s incessant flubbing again. So even better than the last few weeks.
--

First guest Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg (Kate Mc) appears to discuss her longevity as the oldest justice on the bench. This was an utterly perfect segment. Kate really does Ms. Ginsburg justice (pun intended) and really threw down the “Gins-burns” hard (and hilariously). Like I said earlier, Kate can do no wrong.
Also if I hadn’t known any better, the graphic showing her name misspelled it.
--

Kanye West (Pharaoh) appeared to explain his apology to singer Beck, and ends up apologizing to Jost, the film Selma, the two escaping llamas, and even her daughter North for having a name like a direction.
Dammit, if you don’t think Jay Pharoah does a damn bang-up job as West, then you must be stupid. His voice and mannerisms are on-point and makes you think that Kanye himself is there. Jay even looks close to Kanye, too. So this was a perfect one, definitely.
--
Speaking of perfect...
Riblet’s baaack!!

Honestly, I just love this guy. Not only can Moyni make me laugh as a goofy, ghetto-looking and -sounding white guy who works at Friendly’s and steal people’s thunder (complete with mic drops), he also works as that same guy who can really do Update.
If Lorne is testing the waters with Moyni at the desk, I wouldn’t mind seeing him there. In fact, I would LOVE to see him there. I wouldn’t be saddened at all to see one of them leave. I know Riblet won’t be there all the time, but I’d take that


Top Three Best Sketches:
1. 50 Shades Press Junket (I’m just as surprised as you are that this is here)
2. Birdman Parody Open
3. Weekend Update

Best Pre-Tapes:
ISIS Ad (whether you like it or not)
Say What You Wanna Say/Be Brave (thanks to Kate Mc on the can)

Worst Sketches:
1) I Can’t (Even)
2) Cinderella Parody
3) Emergency Room

I apologize to the writers for the Blake Shelton episode. At least that had some really good jokes mixed in with the really bad ones. It isn’t the worst episode of the season.. THIS ONE IS! The writing for the live sketches were weak as f**k, Johnson did her best, but her performance and delivery in some sketches were flat and boring, and was even bored by some of them. I did not laugh all the way through all the sketches; there was only one joke that had me chuckle (chuckle!) at least in all of them.

I hadn’t noticed this at first, but Kenan barely appeared in this episode; he only appeared prominently in the Worf sketch and that’s all I see of him. I know this may be his final season on SNL, and that he may have been in a lot of sketches in previous episodes, but this is sad and that he may appear in at least two sketches for the next few episodes.
Meanwhile, the featured cast member coming to dominate in some sketches. That should be good, but they were left weak-as-hell content. I’d say they should be given another sketch in another episode, but they should get stronger material. It’s the writers’ fault for that, but the producers don’t notice that. They’ll just not put them in a few sketches and may solve the problem. (NOT)
And again, if Weekend Update was the better part of the episode, you have a problem. A big problem. But I enjoyed Update very well. And I very well enjoyed Alabama Shakes’ performances.

So, this was a very mediocre episode, and this wouldn’t be an episode I would watch again. But then again, I don’t usually watch episodes from this season more than once anyway, so it’s a win-win for us all. For me, because I don’t have to watch crap sketches again, and for SNL so they don't have to read about my talking about their crap sketches.

Next week, Aussie boss with the awesome-sauce Chris Hemsworth will host Episode #15 with Zac Brown Band providing the music for the evening. This is the first appearance on SNL for both, so this will be very interesting.
See you then!!