Surprise SLMR: Don't Tell Em

Surprise Short/Long Music Review time!! (again.)
This time, the man that (unfortunately) brought us "Birthday Sex", a song about using your dick as a gift for your girl's birthday (and will always be inferior to Dick in a Box) is back with another about sex, and this time the happiness of birthdays is replaced by the fear, compulsion, temptation and utter sadness of adultery. But according to Jeremih, that can masked by keeping it a secret. So here's his latest dip into not hiring prostitutes and keeping it in his pants, featuring YG, who might as well Toot It and Boot It to the hospital if he ever confesses; "Don't Tell Em".



...
--ZZZZZZZZ
"Mustard on the beat, HO!"
--Oh, it's another song produced by DJ Mustard. Crap, now I have to listen to the same shit he's made in his songs since his beginnings in his songs. The same quiet piano hits, the same snapping or clapping appearing in three-quarters of the chorus, and of course, the repeated chants of unknown people shouting "Hey Hey Hey Hey!" in the background. But hey, he has the cash from all this! "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" is probably his mentality. So let's take a listen shall we?

"'Rhythm Is A Dancer'/I need a companion/ Girl, I guess it must be you"
--Sure, pick up a chick you guess is perfect for a night in bed, despite that she's already dating. No way this would never happen in real life, right??
"Body like a Summer/Fuck you like no other"
--Don't lie, Jeremih. Sex is as easy as putting a finger though a donut hole. No way a girl would fall for something like you being an expert at it.
"Don'cha tell 'em what we do."
--Aaaand I'm wrong.
"Don't Tell 'Em" (repeat 25+ times)

You know, every time he says something in his songs, it leads me to believe he's saying something else. Like the first line.
"Girl, wat it do wit it(?)/
And u kno' how'da to wit it(?)"
I'm kidding, but seriously...
here's the real lyrics, if you actually care.
"Girl wat it do wit it/Don't tell em how you hit the ground wit' it"
--How you hit the ground with it? What did she do, get angry from how lacking your performance was, she just had to punch the floor? Oh no, can't tell the boyfriend (or a contractor) about that!
"...Girl you kno' I'm from Chicaaago!"
--Whoop-de-fuckin'-do; you're from Chicago. So is Johnny Galecki.
Who cares?!?
"I act a fool, Bobby brown wit' it!"
--You sure are acting a fool (wit it), but don't blame Bobby Brown for that.
"Ain't nobody take me out though"
--And it's their problem because...maybe you're a B-list singer with the name that nobody pronounces right that has song no one listens to anymore and is so desperate for a date, he just goes to the sluttiest girl at the bar for nightie, and just realizes that she's taken. But again, I could be wrong.
"You got good gifts/Bring 'em down the South pole"
--Great, you ruined Christmas for me!!
"[Unintelligible] quarter miles"
--What.
"[Unintelligible] gon' work it out"
--Huh.

"Only your (shoe?) got me feeling like thiiiis/Oh why why why why why"
Yes, Jerry, a big question: How could something so useless and pathetic...be trapped into adultery because of a shoe?
"Nothin' but grabbing the (width?) of yo' hiiiips/ That's why why why why"
Oh and maybe grabbing the--uhh--size and length of her waist. Okay, this makes no fucking sense!

After the chorus again is the second verse, which is just as bad, so I just put in two lines (Both of which are questionably stupid.)

"Girl, know how ya 'Fuu Fuu' wit it"
--Fuu...Fuu? Dafuq is that?!? Some fluffy monster pet.
"An' you know I know what to do with it!"
You know what it is...and you know what to do with it? Thank God I was not raised in the 'Hood.

And now we go on to featured artist YG,
“934-8616/I gotta missed call from yo’ bitch!”
--You know, I picture what would happen if he actually said that to another guy. He probably answer with a beat-down and say “Yeah, well, you gotta missed ball from my fist.”
--”She been plottin’ on for a whole minute/She wanna suck my dick/An’ I’m cool wit it”
Okay, One: Plotting? What the hell could that mean? If you meant fucking, what didn't you say that instead? It's fits in the rhyme scheme!
And two: What man wouldn't be cool with a BJ from a girl? It's like saying you watch Agents of SHIELD and that you don't wanna get blasted from Agent May...which is, kinda sad, I guess.

You know, this song is really terrible. The lyrics make no sense, and somehow, people know them well enough to sing them, YG's lyrics condone guys stupidly telling other guys their women called them, and it's unbelievably boring. It might put you to sleep by the time the audio watermark comes in and you might forget it's a song about forcing a girl to cheat on her significant other. Which is sad because there are so may of them out ther to try to forget and won't go away. Also, Jeremiah says "Wit it" so many times, I just wanted slap myself with a hammer wit it. Oh crap, now I subconsciously typed it in! For now, I wish Jeremih and YG to go away because America was a happier and safer place to have a good relationship in until they came out of nowhere with the third respective hits of their careers.

See you next time when I might come up with something else.