Welcome to Short/Long Song Review.
Instead of wasting my time rambling on about Nicki Minaj, let's get straight into the subject of this edition, her latest hit "Only" featuring Drake, Lil Wayne and Chris Brown.
"Yo,
I never fucked Wayne, I never fucked Drake
--Well, thank you for mentioning something most of us already knew. But honestly--
On my life, man, fuck's sake"
--Whoa, Nicki! We believe you. We really believe that you've never slept with a short guy who loves sex so much, he'll get children out of it, and a guy who only successfully brings girls to bed, only to open his mouth and put them to sleep.
"If I did, I menage with 'em and let 'em eat my ass like a cupcake"
TMI, dammit. Your ass ain't like a cupcake; it's more like a wedding cake. And that line is an insult to cupcakes. They have real ingredients in them!
"My man full, he just ate/
--First off, good for your man. I'm sure he had a meal so good, you had to mention it in your song, and make it seemingly dated.
I don't duc[t] nobody but tape"
"I don't duc[t] nobody"? I can only hope that's a slag term for beating someone up. It is pretty funny though.
"Yeah, that was a set up for a punchline on duct tape"
--First off, that joke was funny and we knew it was funny. Second, people will know a joke when they see one. Third, We don't need a lyric telling us that's a joke; that ruins it very hard. Your fans are not stupid, Nicki! I think...
"Worried 'bout if my butt's fake/"
--Nobody's worried, Nicki. We've passed "worried".
Worry 'bout y'all niggas, us straight
These girls are my sons/Jon and Kate Plus Eight"
--See? That's a joke we all know! And it's super funny. Too bad it's a good lyric in a shit song.
"When I walk in, sit up straight/I don't give a fuck if I was late"
--The only thing I give a fuck for, is when this is over so I can eat, drink till my organs are in peril, and sleep in a place I think is okay to sleep in.
"Dinner with my man on a G5 is my idea of an update"
Unless it's a G6. Get it? "Like A G6"? Heh...God, that was horrible.
"Hut one, hut two/
Hut--what? Those things sound like the cousins of Thing 1 and Thing 2.
big titties, big butt too"
--Thanks for mentioning what we can already see, Nicki. I'm sure they don't need a passing mention, when you can see they're as big as Smart-cars. Especially the butt. Both cheeks, actually.
"Fuck with them real niggas/who don't tell niggas what they up to"
Yep, because the niggas who do tell other niggas what they're up don't matter at all. What does matter is niggas who'll shoot people and kill, steal, ball, sleep with anything with a heart and swear like they don't care if they go to Hell. Yep, those niggas matter. (...assholes)
I'll get to Chris Brown's appearance in the hook in a moment, but up next, is the guy claiming to hook up with Nicki more than Justin Bieber claiming to being a bad boy, Drake!
"I never fucked Nicki cause she got a man"
O...kay. That's good to know. At least, Nicki's found love in her life. That's...something..
"But when that's over then I'm first in line"
Great, they're still doing that stupid-ass "Will-They-or-Won't-They" charade. It didn't matter then, and it doesn't now!
"And the other day in her Maybach/I thought g**damn, this is the perfect time"
For what? To "ask her" to "be together" only to "get shut down" again? (Yes, the air quotes mean it's pretend, because it's as fake as Nicki's butt.)
We had just come from that video/You know LA traffic, how the city slow
--Then go to New York next time; traffic's less taxing.
"She was sitting down on that big butt/But I was still staring at the titties thooough"
Okay, I've admitted I'm a dog a few times, but even I can say that that's sleazy as fuck! And a waste of your time. And the way he says it though. And I'm a lame.
Yeah, lowkey or maybe high key/I been peeped that you like me, you know
What?
Who the fuck you really wanna be with besides me? I mean...
--Well, if there's anyone in the world I'd really wanna be with besides you...Charles Manson.
"...it doesn’t take much for us to do this shit quietly/I mean..."
...
she say I’m obsessed with thick women and I agree
Nicki ain't thick, you idiot. Unless the stuff in her T&A that makes her count as "thick". Also, you can't be obsessed with thick women when all the women we've seen you with all these years are skinny.
I have to stop there, because Drake's lyrics start off stupid, and continue straight to imbecilic.
Really, Drake? You're really wasting all of your 16 bars on your denial you've never fucked Nicki, how you want to fuck her when she's single, the time you've left a video shoot and ogling the hell of of her (especially them titties, thooouuuggh!) Apparently so. He's laid down some really impressive rhymes before, and I really like some of his work, so he is better than this, and he KNOWS he's better than this.
I'd want to say that no black man in his right mind would ever say such stupid things to or about a woman and get away with this, but it's disputable, as there are black men (and women) with no right minds and there are sentences like these that have been said before, so it's absolutely possible for this to happen. And he does it. May I remind you that he also gets paid for this?
And by the way, one line I looove is this:"
"Ass on Houston Texas, but the face look just like Clair Huxtable
I know Ms. Phylicia Rashad is still beautiful after all these years, but take that as you will. I mean that feels like a complete insult.
And finally, Lil Wayne, whose lyrics here will make
"I never fucked Nic' and that's fucked up"
Why yes, Wayne; it is fucked up that people would think of such a terrible statement like that.
"If I did fuck she'd be fucked up"
Yes she would be.
"Whoever is hittin' ain't hittin' it right/
--So did you nail her or what? Also, that's an slap-in-the-face to any man she's dating. At least she has that "Whoever" in her life, you troll, acting like she has the best pussy in the world to pop.
Cause she actin' like she need dick in her life"
Just like you actin' like you need pussy in your life. I guess you guys really are made for each other.
That's another story, I'm no story teller/I piss greatness like gold is yellow
--And yet another one I could do without. I bet it still smells like Asparagus, pot and deep shame.
All my goons so overzealous/I'm from Holly Groove, the holy Mecca
And yet overzealous isn't a word to describe them...or something they'd know.
"My girlfriend will beat a bitch up if she wave/They bet not fuck with her surfboard, surfboard"
A reference to Beyonce's "Drunk in Love" that'll make it even more dated. Genius.
"Don't have my money?/ Take mother's instead"
Nuff said.
Like Drake's long-ass verse, I had to stop here too, because this is just a disgrace. Nothing here makes coherent sense, it frustrates and insults me (even though I have nothing in relation with him), I feel ashamed in myself to listen to this (along with the rest of it), and makes me wish I could take back the five days I spent listening to it for this review.
Unfortunately, there still is one part of it left to work on. And it's the chorus sung by Chris Brown.
Raise every bottle and cup in the sky
Sparks in the air like the fourth of July
"Nothing but bad bitches in here tonight
Oh, if you lame and you know it be quiet"
Yeah, I'm a lame, but you endorse real niggas and bad bitches doing stupid shit in the world with all the money that you all may or may not have earned correctly . Why yes, Chris, I'M A LAME!!
"Nothin' but real niggas only, bad bitches only
Rich niggas only, independent bitches only
Boss niggas only, thick bitches only
I got my real niggas here by my side, only"
You know, if all the real niggas, bad bitches, Rich niggas, independent bitches, Boss niggas, and thick bitches in the world came together and maybe be a part of closed enviroment, maybe then all all your niggas and bitches would be in a perfect place, and the world will be a better place away from shitty assholes like you all inhabiting, crapping and breeding it to oblivion.
You know...This song sucks ass and it's a waste of my time. And as you read this Review, a waste of yours too.
This theme of Nicki denying she slept with Lil Wayne and Drake, along with Drake and Wayne denying either of them slept with her, and all of them telling us what would happen had it actually happened, is annoying as hell and serves as something to make the single interesting and sell. The funny thing about it is that no one cares if they slept together so Nicki could have a career. She's had a fantastic line of mixtapes, and Wayne really liked her style and talent, so the sex thing really wouldn't be believable here if you tried. And the lyrics from everyone here are pathetic for rich, boss, independent and real people.
Also, the beat is boring as fuck (no pun intended); so boring and barely there, you thought it was a production by DJ Mustard.; And the booms of bass between verses is annoying.
I'm just happy Nicki Minaj is making and releasing music that I like. I'll just keep listening to that, and not listen to this any more. The beat alone just reminds me of the them of the third Twilight Zone (yes, that exists and it's not that bad).
See ya next month for another edition of Short/Long Song Review. Until next time, I'm gonna try to look at chicken, seasoning and duct tape without thinking of something else.
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