Special SLMR: Birthday Cake

Today continues a special tradition of this: reviewing really bad songs on my birthday. So let's continue why I'm now pissed off about by birthday by reviewing some song that has nothing to do with birthdays and everything to do with why some people avoid sex like Iraq: "the Remix of Birthday Cake" by Rihanna featuring Chris Brown.



Come and put your name on it
Put your name on it
Come and put your name on it
Your name
Bet you wanna put your name on it
Put your name on it
Come and put your name on it
Ba-ba-baby
--So it's NOT this girl's birthday, and this guy she's with is eating some icing...and they never say anything about cake...oh God, gross!!

Ooh baby I like it, it’s so exciting
Don’t try to hide it
I’mma make you my bitch
--Yeah, because after that incident, I'm sure you'd love to make him your bitch, especially because the inmates in the prison he went to after said incident weren't so lucky.

I know you wanna bite this
Its so enticin'
Nothin' else like this
I'mma make you my bitch
--I'm not one to egregiously enjoy sex, but hearing this line, it really kills whatever curiosity I already have of biting someone's body part while banging them.

And it's not even my birthday
But you wanna put your name on it
And it's not even my birthday
And he tryna put his name on it

And there it is, the end of the of the song, a horrible minute-plus-long interlude about gross sex, biting people like zombies on a bad episode of The Walking Dead and ruins cake and icing for me. You can bet that This is one song I will never listen to again.
See you next month for another Short/Long Music Rev...
Okay, fine. You know there's another version involving the guy who...well, you know. The guy everyone despises so much more than I despise Rihanna's music...Chris Brown.
Let's just go his verses. (And maybe use some jokes that are as relevant now as they were in 2012)

Girl, I wanna fuck you right now
Been a long time, I’ve been missing your body
Let me-let me turn the lights down
When I go down, it’s a private party
--Yeah and maybe a party on the way to the precinct soon after.
Ooooh, it’s not even her birthday
But I wanna lick the icing off
--Eww.

Give it to her in the worst way
Can’t wait to blow her candles out
--Hey! Did you know Chris Brown brutally assaulted Rihanna six years ago? Yeah! Because this is what I see every time I hear "give it to me in the worst way"! I'm always reminded of that horrible incident where one pop star beat up another every time I hear this song. And that's not including the times I hear this directly are counted on one hand.

And on the other hand...I get why this is made. It's to show everyone that both parties put from the incident in the past and are moving on with their lives. I understand that,, more over because I wanted to move pat it too, but because of the special edition of non-scripted TV shows and jokes everyone made on Facebook and Twitter about Brown, I couldn't ignore it. But finally, I moved away from the incident and I'm enjoying the joys of everything else...that is until now.

Remember how you did it?
--Everyone did. We're just trying to forget.
Remember how you fit it?
--Yep. In your mouth like a foot in a sneaker.



...


...No comment.

ALSO, THE REPEATED MENTIONS OF IT NOT BEING RIHANNA'S BIRTHDAY. IT'S REALLY ANNOYING. It's one thing to say this in an episode of a TV show, but it's mind-numbingly annoying in a 3 minute song that we listen to many times. And DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE ICING THING.

This song is embarrassingly gross. Just Chris Brown and Rihanna singing about how much they want to have sex in full detail. Where's the appeal in that?!? I really don't like Rihanna's recent material and you'll be hard pressed to find a Chris Brown song I actually like. So this is a 1-2 knockout punch (pun intended) of unwanted coitus and unknown personality. There is nothing in this song I even remotely agree with, nor I find titillating. Why people even find this song great need to get their heads examined. I'm all for Chris Brown and Rihanna moving away from this incident and for this to disappear from the public conscience, but this was not needed to be the song that says this. It's more like it's saying "We're going to tell you, in detail, how much we wanna have sex, and how hard our intercourse is. And if you're disgusted, we don't give a fuck!"
Christ, I need alcohol. I never planned on listening to this ever, but here I am, continuing a tradition of listening to shit songs and reviewing them for my blog. Poor me.
And by the way: Did you know this song was released on the radio on my birthday?
...yeah. I'm still trying to wrap my brain on that.