I want a recount!!
I want a protest!!
I want a restitution!!
I want a drink.
Why is "Panda" by Desiigner Number One on the Billboard Hot 100?!?! And why did it even blow up on the chart in the first place?? This song sucks ass! Who has so much appeal and likeness to it that they got it over so much that high?? I just don't understand it.
But we've had some other surprises on the chart over the years thanks to YouTube views being counted-standard. "Harlem Shake", and "The Fox" great examples of the Dork-ish era. And now, this song is at the top. the cream of the crop. ...More like cream of the crap.
But let's skip this piece of shit (at least until next month) for other songs that are potentially pieces of shit in my picks of interest for the month of April.
Let's start with the Top 10 from the end of this month, which has changed a bit, but is nothing much special:
--"Work" by Rihanna & Drake is STILL #1 for the entire month (which I still don't mind; it's a really fun song once you avoid the lyrics)
--Like Peter Parker beginning his origin as Spider-Man, "7 Years" by Lukas Graham has been a big riser on the charts this month, climbing up steadily across the Top 10 and making its peak to #2, before dropping a slot to #3.
-I admit, I want to really like this song, not only because everyone else likes it too (clearly). But the sappiness of it turns me off a lot, and as I've learned later on, features verses that are seemingly fake and/or annoyingly braggy. Thanks to that, I've likened this song even less.
--Beating it, though, to get to #2...is "Panda" by Desiigner.
I never wanted this to become a hit. The dark, janky beat is what you expect from other rappers' beats; the lyrics are shit and the flow is...fine. At best (or worst?), he's a knock-off of Future. And that is a reason why this song bombs to me, and yet--like Fetty Wap, he has somehow become a rising star in the music industry. But unlike Fetty--who I'm more indifferent towards, I think Desiigner sucks from the jump. This rise from near the bottom last month just frightens me. And-outside of this segment-I don't want to have anything to do with him. And yet, everyone else does, which frightens me.
--Rising to #4 is Meghan Trainor's "No", which I'm really happy about. It's the first song of hers I think is actually really good from the start. The beat is well-made, the lyrics are perfect with its concept and Meghan's vocals are some of her best so far in her career. This album Thank You better be a good one, cause I'm really excited to hear it.
--ZAYN's "Pillowtalk" is still holding on tight at in the middle #5. It's growing on me a little more, and that's all I'll say.
--#6 is "I Took A Pill in Ibiza" by Mike Posner, a single that is now his biggest since 2010's "Cooler than Me", a terrible song I kinda liked back then (I was a kid, so I had different tastes). But this is a big shock and disgust. I referenced Buckley's mention of "Top of the World" back in February, with the intent of hoping this song refutes his plan of topping charts again--but we all didn't expect this to chart as high as it did. I still don't like this at all.
Well, at least Seeso Remix is much better, thanks to the great slick-ass beat.
--Fifth Harmony's "Work from Home", #7, SUUUCKS. But, Ty Dolla $ign's verse is okay. Weird that the featured artists do way better than them in their own songs.
--"Love Yourself" by Justin Bieber's falling, but sticking around at #8. Which is still great.
--At #9, is "Cake by the Ocean" by DNCE. I still really like this.
--And finally, "Me, Myself & I" by G-Easy featuring Bebe Rexha at #10. It's an enjoyable song.
And now the songs I'm gonna review this month, because it's my thing now--conscious be damned.
Rap
We start off with two new songs from Drake via his latest album Views.
(But nether are available on YT at this moment, so let me know when that happens.)
Sooo...
I've wanted to avoid these songs for as long as I could, but as there are so many songs I've already reviewed, I have no choice.
"2 Phones" - Kevin Gates
I really have no time for this.
This sounds like the crossing sidecars in the train of thought of a . At first, I thought this song was about some dick-ass nigga cheating on his on his girlfriend. In a way it is, but also features the same old shit you've heard before with a twist that ol' Kev here has his phone blown up by his business partners, money-hungry friends and side pieces.
- Push-button-start foreign car ("Button start the foreign")
-Devaluing women ("Phone be makin' women feel they unimportant" /
"Money callin' for me, baby girl I'm sorry/Nothing but a {?}, you not that important")
-The Haters ("Hater, wish you well") [Thank you]
-Many lines about selling drugs
-Sex ("Juggin' round the city, you know what it is")
-Adultery ("Gettin' calling cards from your Barbie doll") [Calling cards?? You mean those things you buy from corner stores to call people in other countries?]
With the tone of Gates' voice, it seems like a parody song, something I'd find hilarious. But it's not. This is serious, and the dark, brooding beat proves it. And his vocals are garbage; he can't keep the same sound and flow for one verse and it changes throughout. And the singing sounds a certain type of terrible; his voice has so much force and , it ruins what little talent he has to carry it.
I'll admit, the hook is catchy, and is most definitely the reason the track's so popular. By the time the song reaches it's nadir, it'll be fresh out of people's minds and only the chorus will stay around.
I really don't like this at all.
--
"Low Life" - Future featuring The Weeknd
Future cannot stop being a black version of Ted Cruz. Hate-able, has a voice for people with no redeemable purpose in life or the future, says things that just make me wanna kick him in the penis, and has a punchable face. With "Low Life", it gets even worse. And with The Weeknd along for the ride, it just makes me grind my teeth to the bit.
This track continues this year of Future's imperial march of drugging, popping, dranking, thotting, car shilling and Auto-Tune slathered to oblivion. And this has to be the worst of his terrible trip to the top. Basically, Not-Past here is checking off what he does for a living and says he'll rep for the low life. It doesn't matter if he's a rich famous rapper staying at swanky hotels and rapping to millions of fans around the world. He's still do what he's been doing since living in the hood:
taking drugs
("I been on the molly and them Xans with your daughter"/
"Taking pain pills on the plane, getting chartered"/
"I can't feel my face, I'm on Adderall, nauseous"),
making his house look like a mini garbage dump
keeping more guns around than condoms
("It ain't stereotyping/
Cause they know a nigga keep twenty rifles/
And they know a nigga keep twenty snipers/"),
sleeping with married women because single women are considered cancer,
("If she catch me cheating, I will never tell her sorry
If she catch me cheating, I will never tell her sorry" /
"Got my baby momma and my side bitch kissing")
and destroying hotel rooms with his grooming habits
("Turn a five star hotel to a traphouse
Roaches everywhere, like we forgot to take the trash out" /
"I turn the Ritz into a lean house
This my sixth time getting kicked out")
(It's their fault they keep letting him back in).
Murder just because
("Running with the wave, get you killed quick
Shoot you in your back like you Ricky")
[Ricky from...New Edition??]
Or at least he claims to be. Yeah, he really doesn't.
So basically whatever he says he does in the song, is only a lie.
And I know Weeknd has taken drug earlier in his life, but come on. A song with Future?? I mean no. When he sings lyrics of a Future song, he makes them look even worse.
And it gets even more annoying when a line in the bridge about snipers and wifey's repeats over and over.
"Sniper, sniper, sniper, sniper, sniper
Sniper, sniper, sniper, sniper, sniper
Wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey
That's your wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey?
I think I like her, like her, like her, like her
That's your wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey?
I think I like her, like her, like her, like her"
This is the man idiots call Future Hendrix, people. Believe it.
And even worse, he claims that these lyrics are not considered stereotypes, but everything found in this song are the stereotypes. Specifically black men who take and sell dope, sleep with multiple women, shoot other men for no reason and live in abandoned houses because frugality. He doesn't even try to make it any clearer; it's just out there to fail masking the same old shit we've heard before. It's pathetic.
The beat makes it more boring than dark, and Future's vocals are laughable as usual. In fact, they make the lyrics more humorous than they seem. Roaches at the Ritz? That's Billy Eichner funny! ha-ha-ha-ha...heeh.
This song sucks ass and I expect to put this in my Worst Hip-Hop/R&B Song List.
No wonder Ciara dumped his wack ass.
--
What is there to say? Rap/Hip-Hop is still garbage.
--
Pop
Pop is better and better on the main chart this month, with songs I really generally enjoy. Fun, bouncy, catchy and listenable. Most of them, at least. Let's start things off with...
"New Romantics" by Taylor Swift
Hello, Taylor Swift. Weird to see you here again--owhoamIkidding?.
Tay-Tay has hit the charts once again during her rad reign of 1989, and this is one of the best from it.
For those who don't know, New Romanticism is a pop culture movement in the early 80s where kids wear eccentric and flamboyant fashions to match the genres at the time, as an answer to punk music and its fans. Basically it's like hipsters but more likable.
Everything about this is just great.
The lyrics are great, they're catchy as hell, the and match the feeling of getting yourself up from heartbreak and despair.
Taylor's vocals are just delicious; the lower register in the verses-what we don't hear usually in her songs-just pulls me in and holds me until the last second. And the production is some of the strongest and best of the album (or at least the singles I've heard). The fast, forceful beat is straight fun and exciting, and ensures an awesome experience with every listen. "We're too busy dancing/to get knocked off our feet"
To me, this song is yet another memorable single from TSwift's fifth album, but only the most fast and fun.
--
"Piece by Piece" - Kelly Clarkson
One of the few American Idols we still know and care about has returned to the charts. Although I almost never noticed much.
This single is about a woman's shattered relationship with father, which ruined her faith, trust and belief in love; but she's willing to forgive to begin and strengthen her relationship with her own family.
I love Kelly Clarkson. Pretty much THE American Idol, she's always had everything that made her a star (and still makes her one): talent, voice, music and writing. And her looks never mattered; I find her beautiful, but that's thing I recognize about her. And although her music now isn't as spectacular as it was since a few years ago, she's still one of my all time favorites.
And this is one of those examples.
While the writing isn't as strong as her previous songs, it's still nice and sweet with a touch of heartbreaking and heartwarming with a splash of hope at the end.
At first, I thought it was about a bad relationship with a lover (when I first heard the line "And all I remember...is your back" along with the pause, I thought 'Oh. So you remember him...for the sex?') And nowthat Ilearned whatit's reallyabout, Ifeel reallystupid andcreepy aboutit. SoSorry.
I don't feel the catchy factor here, but I still enjoy it well enough to replay. The straight pop production with touches of 80s pop is superb. And Kelly is just easily awesome as she's ever been. (Even with child, she's still got it.)
I'm just very happy Kelly is still doing well for herself, with this song peaking in the Top 10 on the Hot 100 last month. And it's good that she's a least half as relevant (deservedly) as everyone in the Top 10. And for that, she deserves to still be the star she truly is.
--
"Close" - Nick Jonas ft. Tove Lo
The little Jonas Brother probably has another hit on his hands. And with Tove Lo joining, he's got it already.
This track is about the physical and sexual desires of two people in a relationship...but the anxieties of both ruin things. So they try to mend things.
Okay, I'm not too keen on the steel drum at the start, but the hard, rough beat is undeniably awesome. And just as much is both Jonas' and Tove's vocals. Nick still has that smooth and sexy-yet-vulnerable voice and utilizes it well, while Ms. Lo has an airy, soft-as-silk voice that sounds amazing on only her. And the chemistry between them shines bright and burns hard like a thousand suns. And they make the situation believable (especially when you watch the video).
You see, Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor? THAT'S how you make a good sex song. And you don't need to desecrate the name/legacy of Marvin Gaye to do so. (Idiots)
I really like this song.
--
"Lost Boy" - Ruth B
This is a "chick on piano" song, something some internet vloggers hate. But I kinda like this a lot. This song has a lot of emotion from a story we all know and love (mostly thanks to Disney and NBC), but the lush, echo-y vocals of Ruth B. make this work. The cadence of her voice is just lovely and
Also it's kinda funny she refers to herself as a "lost boy", because the Boy Who Never Grew Up was played by a woman in the Broadway versions, so this is kinda not a coincidence.
--
"YOUTH" - Troye Sivan
Running away from a song about sex to a song about...running away is this track by Austrailian artist Troye Sivan (first name pronounced without the "E"). It's clear from reading the title that it's about having fun at your age and running away from the inhibitions of life (responsibility). Like--you know...teenager shit.
Basically the lyrics call for "Let's explore life while we're young, prepare for what comes at us and learn about everything that makes us who we are", while it's saying "Let's get shitfaced and high! We won't care what our parents and elders say. Let's run away from responsible stuff and crap!" or at least that's what I'm getting from the video.
But it's not that bad a song. I really like the production (dream-like and buzzy) and the vocals on Troye is pretty good.
--
"Cheap Thrills" - Sia ft. Sean Paul
I generally like Sia, but I kinda dislike this song.
Sean Paul? It's been a long time since we last heard him in a song. But here, this it feels much more like a song by him than by Sia, as she has one verse repeated twice and a chorus that really doesn't sound like a song by her. Yes, there is "Chandelier", but that's different.
Sia's vocals are dull and the lyrics are even duller; laughable even. The beat, meanwhile, is very fun and bouncy, and can will be a fun track to play at parties, so the writing can be largely excused.
The track was originally written for Rihanna--and it shows (but I guess having no money just wasn't a part of the manufactured image she's portraying right now). But even if she did take this, I'd enjoy it more than the shit she's putting out from Anti right now (including one you'll see coming soon).
For Sia, this is dull, pandering sell-out material. But for Sean Paul, this is a perfect resurgence in the mainstream. And right now, I can take this. I like this.
--
"Needed Me" - Rihanna
Rihanna has another song on the charts (possibly about sex), and a music video that should make them all have ratings now. "Bitch Better Have My Money" sure paved the way.
"Mustard ON THE BEAT, HO!"
NoooOOOOOoooOOOOooo!! (sobs)
Great! DJ Mustard is back. I'm sure every suck-ass rapper and their loony fans are happy to hear. All I can say about the beat is that, despite still being as paint-by-numbers and basic as he's known for since the start, this is actually a good beat. The production actually feels more organic and fits the song. And yet, it's so fucking boring. Even "BBHMM" had more pep than this dreck.
And if that wasn't enough, this song is just like "Bitch Better Have My Money", but with a side of romance thrown in too. It's about a "real nigga" "dating" a "bad bitch" and how the relationship fizzles out, but the woman believes that, despite their many hits on random people, riding motorbikes, huffing blow and carrying guns like clutch purses, he needs her. A true Bonnie & Clyde, amirite?
The video is just fine, but since it's Rihanna, it has to have more than a minute's worth of tit shots, ass shots and a strip club. How perfect.
But no, seriously, fuck this song. It's just RiRi trying and failing once again to act gangsta, ending up a fake-ass hood bitch instead. And of course, DJ Mustard. I bet ANTI is just more of the same from Rihanna and I don't want to have anything to do with it.
--
And that does it for the Pop section. I enjoyed most of the songs featured this month, More from a production standpoint than writing standpoint. Rihanna still mostly sucks, I enjoy Taylor Swift more and more, I think Tristafe Sivan might have a couple songs on the charts before becoming an obscure memory, Nick Jonas will be still a hitmaker and Kelly Clarkson is till awesome.
I'm curious to see what next month will bring. Hope for more fun tracks.
---
Country
"You Should Be Here" - Cole Swindell
This song is just heartbreaking. And beautiful.
Cole Swindell gives us this tribute to a loved one who past away just before their bond continued to strengthened. He mentions his family coming together and reminisce about the good times they shared.
To be honest, if I didn't choose to read the comments under the video as it played, I wouldn't know what it really was about (even if it was spelled it for me). Thank goodness for that, because I almost thought it was a song about drinking beer at the honky-tonk and having some hick fun.
And even though it was short, it really packs in the emotion of songs wishing farewell to loved ones. And since I myself lost a beloved loved one a few years ago, and I first played it after the day of his death, it really hits me.
The beat is nice and Swindell give great, honest, emotional vocals. So I'll give this one a big thumbs up.
--
"That Don't Sound Like You" - Lee Brice
Remember Lee Brice? The guy who claimed he doesn't dance and would rather do anything else?
Well, he's got a middling hit about how a girl isn't herself and wants to rectify. But I bet the reason she ain't herself anymore because she heard him sing this song.
Christ, this song is boring. And apparently, it's made to make us feel like the girl to see how she feels. The production is sappy and moody, but calls for "I want my girlfriend to stop acting so glum, so I can have some fun and get into her pants again." How noble. This song is stupid, but I'll take it for not over this next excuse for music.
--
I've heard that a lot of people are less than indifferent towards Thomas Rhett. He's dull, he's terrible, he can't make good music. But I've never heard his mucic before, so I can't side with or against them. But then I listened to "Die A Happy Man"...and they're probably right.
Immediately after the first strums of guitar, this track reminded me of "Waiting on the World to Change" by John Mayer. Not a good start. In fact, he might be a country-fied version of Mayer anyway.
The concept, as fresh as it is, is simple: He's in love with his lover, and says that all he ever needs in his life is her love, and he'll die a happy man. And when you get it, I'm sure you'll smile through a quick death soon.
Uhh, guy? You do know you need more than love to live? In fact, it sounds pathetic to declare love when you know you need food, water and air to live. Creepy, even.
This is a very sweet, smooth song and a wonderful exchange to your love, but the message is just skewered to hell and back. I'd love my lover too, but I'd rather have a Quarter Pounder and a Pepsi in my stomach before I start declaring.
I honestly think he must've lost some sense in his brain before coming to that conclusion.
--
"Came Here to Forget" - Blake Shelton
I Want to Forget This.
Oh wow, this is shit. His vocals sound like he's trying to mix like R. Kelly and Luke Bryan. Of course he fails. The beat is laughable garbage, sounding more moody than it needs to be. Blake tries to sound hip and cool, and yet redneck-ish, but looks like a idiotic asshole. And the concept is so generic. He's bitter after a breakup and wants to find a new girl, who is also single. And they want to have fun. (Remind you of anything?) I can't remember anything else because this song is so crap. Can't be the Asperger's because I just played it.
--
EDM
"Middle" - DJ Snake
That drop, man.
I'm not too into this one. But the beat is very enjoyable. And the vocals from Bipolar Sunshine are pretty good. But this a song I'd rather not play on repeat any time soon.
--
And finally, I'd like to start a new feature where I review the very last song I chosen on the Hot 100 this month, called Song 100. Very self-explanatory.
First song is from the list issued the week of April 23, "Record Year" by Eric Church.
I don't know if a breakup let him to a huge start to his music career...or actually listen to vinyl records. Either way, this is corny.
While Church does great here, along with nice production, the lyrics are stupid and not at all clever. The mentions of bands and singers, along with iconic LPs on the grooves get a bad treatment from this song. He's depressed from a breakup, and needs music to get him happy again. There's nothing that makes it original or memorable.
I'd give this a skip.
--
Well, this was a productive month. I listened to some very fun and enjoyable Pop, shitty Rap, stupid country, and likable EDM. Most of them are probably not gonna be memorable for a while. But I'm more or less generally pleased. Let's hope this continues to next month.
This for joining me this month. I'm Drew, and I'll see you in May. (Actually June for May, but still...) Goodnight!
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