Top Ten Worst Hip-Hop/R&B Songs of 2014

Well, the year has come and gone. And this year has had a new awakening in Hip-Hop. New rappers came out of the woodwork and made their mark. In this case, though, that’s a reeeaaally bad thing. Many of these rappers have gotten popular thank to the beats in their songs, a popular rhyme or a huge rapper appearing as the featured artist because they like this person and wants that push they believe he actually deserves. All these reasons and the ones I'll state below are those for why I've chosen my picks for the Top Ten Worst Hip-Hop/R&B Songs of 2014.
Let's start it off with...

10) "We Dem Boyz" -- Wiz Khalifa


First off, the title is stupid and doesn’t make sense. Second, nothing in the lyrics is about “Dem Boyz”, just Wiz Khalifa. And third, what the hell is a Becky? Were you referring to Becky from Roseanne? Yeah, both versions of her are very hot, but that line makes no sense.
Also, the line “Man, did you see her Interior?” creeps me out. There’s no way you can see inside a woman’s front hole unless you went to sex ed or watched TLC circa 1980-2005. And Wiz, no sane person wants to hear a song with two words repeating throughout almost three-quarters of it. Just ask Rihanna. And then don’t call anyone lazy for that same reason. Wiz Khalifa, this may be the last time I've heard a song by you. I hope that weed money you've saved up can buy you better things in life. And if one of your life goals is to successfully get so skinny, you actually look like a tree, congrats. You did it! Good job! Not for the love of God and the sake of all things happy and sane, eat a fucking hamburger and get back in shape, will ya?!

9) "No Flex Zone"--Rae Sremmund
Since these guys (and many rappers here) are skinny, I’d think it’d be embarrassing to flex anyway.

Oh man, when I first heard this, I knew these guys would be famous. To my chagrin. And now that they’re famous, I hope their status as One-Hit-Wonder comes as soon as I hope.

Over a very annoying beat, this song is about assholes acting like braggy, obnoxious wannabe mack daddies, and the place where guys who don’t want to be around them can go. However, I see this duo as complete hypocrites. In the song, there are NO lyrics about them not being like the bragging idiots who show off to get blown at night; they act exactly the same. It's the same in the video, too. They still act braggy, they still look obnoxious and they already have girls on their arms like they’re something they know they’re not. So not only have Rae Sremmurd lied to us about the "not being shitty obnoxious taint licks" thing, they seem to have forgotten the concept and message of their own song. If they wanted to this track to be a parody of rappers who act douchey to prove they won't be like this, they failed miserably. Guys, learn how to make fun of people before you actually try to do so. Plus their voices sound incredibly annoying. It's like they told each other the other's voice is crappy and made a bet with each other to prove which has the least annoying voice of the two.

Also, what the hell is up with their name?? Rae Sremmurd. Of course, it makes no fucking sense. But after I read some comments of a video I saw a few days ago, the name is the reverse of two actual words. What are they? Drummers Ear. Yep, that's the most interesting thing about them we're gonna get from these two, folks. A really shitty name that's reverse for a really shitty term. That One-Hit-Wonder status can't come soon enough.

8) "Lifestyle" -- Rich Gang featuring Young Thug & RHQ

You know, the more I hear about these songs about bragging about their rich lives, the more I wish they’d hit bankrupt.

Okay, let's start with the concept: this is the 100,100th song about being rich and enjoying the good life that comes with it. With all your homies
The beat is just boring and so anti-hip-hop, you might think this is a pop song (pretty much like every other song on this list). And the person singing (aka autotune), even Future does a better job than you. It should prove that you shouldn’t listen to yo’ homies/yes men when they tell you what should be put on your song.
Rich Homie Quan is just as annoying here as he was in his song "Some Type of Way", which inspired the annoying term of same name, and Young Thug is just as corny. Rich Gang is just Young Money with a new name, so I know one reason it would suck. And autotune needs to be banned from people who clearly do not know how to properly use it in their vocals. Just...no.

7) "Hot Nigga" -- Bobby Shmurda

Yep, nothing makes a hot nigga look hot like making a hand sign of holding a AK-47 towards a guy for no reason other than amusing himself, and pretending to pull the trigger. Fuck.

God, that video looks really horrible

Great, another asinine song with an asinine dance. The first time I heard this, I treated it like any other Hip-Hop song: Another asswipe acting like he's on top of the game, bragging about how better he than all of us, showing us all the money he owns, and spends three minutes spitting about it all. What makes this song even worse is that the two worded title appears in the lyrics...repeatedly.
Look at the chorus:
"In Chewy, I'm some hot nigga
Like I talk to Shyste when I shot niggas
Like you seen em twirl then he drop, nigga
And We Keep them 9 milli's on my block, nigga
And Monte Keep it on him, he done dropped niggas
And Trigger he be wilding, he some hot nigga
Tones known to get busy with them Glocks, nigga
Try to run down and you can catch a shot, nigga"
Yeah, talk about classy right there. Not only does it follow the the mold of other songs with the "I'm way better than you, and if you disagree, I'll kill you with a gun I don't legally own" mantra, it features the word "nigga" at the end of every damn line in the chorus. Genius, Shmurda, Geeenniuuuss.
And another thing, what the hell is up with using a warning siren in a rap song? It's not cool, it's extremely irritating and serves no purpose in the song other than make people think "Just another menace to society who shouldn't be on the streets"; well, mostly me, but still.
What's disturbing here is that he revealed that he once sold drugs as a child in the fifth grade. I've heard some sad shit from rappers before, but this is a goddamn shame. I bet he had some shame recording that line, but said it anyway to prove how "gansta" and "domineering" he was, but I just see it as "I peddled dope as a kid, and I'm still walkin'. Haha! Fuck the police!" I should pray for him. Nah, not worthy enough.

Also, he introduces the Shmoney Dance, a fucking stupid dance that follows the footsteps of The Dougie, "Stanky Leg", "Pop, Lock 'n Drop It" and the "Nae Nae". It's just a dance that was created to tie-in with the song that no one will remember after the song's impact (or what little there is of it) dies down and everyone will have forgotten the dance until their 20th high school reunion when they're too old to even try to perform it without being embarrassed.
As for Bobby Shmurda, I know this won't be the last of him, as he might have another "hit" on the burner or might appear as a featured artist on another rapper's song, but if he goes bankrupt and barely has enough to still live with his parents with that air glock he loves so much in possession, he'd be a sad man, and I'd be a happy guy.

6) "Tuesday"
ILoveMakonnen featuring Drake

I never thought I hear a song about Tuesdays in my life...but after this one, I never will again.

febr.jdv krl/bef/aldbv RQEkdakldWCnakf:D---Huhh? Oh, I’m sorry, I fell asleep on the keyboard. What was I--oh yeah. This song.
Where to even begin?? Okay, how about the beat? This is fuckin’ boring. It’s like NyQuil or marijuana for the ears and brain. I don’t know how people find this enjoyable, danceable to or even something to like. And the surprising thing about it? I find this the better part of the song.
The lyrics are just basic as shit. Clubbing, drinking, fucking, taking other guys’ girls, making money and haters. Nothing else. This guy’s like Cleveland Jr. in voice and body type. Except Cleveland Jr. sounds better than him.

That's right; "Balls Deep" is a much better and catchier song than this.
His (and Drake’s) vocals are fucking boring and irritating with no personality or substance and this goddamn pause at the end of every damn line, plus they say those verses in a near-high pitched voice, to say nothing of the chorus. (I take more comfort in Jim Parsons’ voice of Buddy in the new Elf special). And what the hell is up with his name? It just follows the recent trend names of rappers used as sentences like Soulja Boy Tell Em, IAmSu (the guy from Sage the Gemini's “Gas Pedal”), Sage the Gemini himself, and Chance the Rapper. Make no sense, it’s a mouthful and makes a minute of your life away just thinking about it. Plus Drake doesn’t help matters. He’s just the same problems as that guy, except he’s better than that. He’s been a rapper for almost 9 years now (counting his mixtapes); he should know how to make this shit song better by dropping some rhymes, but no. He does this dreck instead! God, Drake is dead to me now.
Also I want to mention that this guy is a part of Drake’s record label OVO Sound, which produced and released this track, which is why it makes me so sleepy. I’ll remember to play this whenever I’m stuck in Insomnia-Land.
IHateMakonnen

5) "Don’t Tell ‘Em"
Jeremih featuring YG

I’m still puzzled as to why his name is spelled and pronounced this way. Jer-re-MEH. Makes more sense to remove the H at the end...or put an A near the end.

Ugh. Yet another song about taking your girlfriend and sleeping with her. I know these songs seem catchy to you people, but here’s the thing: it’s still about adultery, and keeping that a secret. It may seem easy, until the idiot guy brags about it the next day. And I swear to God, this beat and Jeremih’s vocals could put me to sleep. I can barely hear or understand them...except this one: “I’m from Chicaago”
Whoop-de-fucking-doo, you’re from the Windy City. Not a thing anyone would care about during a one-night stand. Also this cryptic crap. Dude, you’re not Alex Hirsch! Why you ackin’ so secretive to the girl you seeing, when no one’s gonna notice or care? They still barely know how to pronounce your name. And things get worse when YG (Mr. Toot-It-And-Boot-It) comes in.
--“934-8616/I gotta missed call from yo’ bitch!”
I could picture a beatdown if he say this out loud. Doesn’t matter the guy, I’m just picturing it.
--”She been plottin’ on for a whole minute”
Plotting on what? An evil plan to take over the world?
--”She wanna suck my dick/An’ I’m cool wit it”
Dude, what kind of man doesn’t think it’s cool for a hot girl to give him brain during sex?? Seriously.
Its producer, DJ Mustard, keeps using the same sound and elements in his productions (like quiet beats, low piano hits, and people shouting “Hey!” every other second), therefore making them very unoriginal. And yet, they somehow end up being hits. It’s like people listening to they recognize the sound from another DJM song, and like it so they listened to this.

Chalk this as a bad example of “If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It”.

4) "Loyal"
Chris Brown feat. Lil Wayne & Tyga

There should be a law that forces these guys to stay away from women...and long-term relationships.

Even though this is part Pop, it’s also part R&B, and there are more rappers than singers, so it definitely counts for this list. Also because it’s very confusing; if you’re calling out women for being shallow sluts cheating, don’t make lyrics about men taking those women from their boyfriends; it makes them look no better AND makes you look stupid for not proofreading the lyrics first. What makes you think taking those women from their boyfriends anyway is completely different from other guys doing it? Because this happened after they’re cheating? Or maybe because you’re Chris Brown? (which is worse) That still doesn’t excuse the fact that the girl is still cheating on her man with a rich guy (aka you).
Lil Wayne tries to act like a saint in his lyrics about girls being sluts, clearly forgetting the fact that, among others, he has four kids with four different women. I guess if making a point about sex as long as it doesn't refer to you can work...sometimes.

3) "Fight Night" -- Migos
You’ve never heard boxing like this before.


Ladies and gentlemen, prepare for the main event of the night, Migos vs….some woman’s vagina. Apparently, Chris Brown and Lil Wayne are still influential to the development of Hip-Hop music in that sense. Because every other hip-hop song that comes on the radio always has a variation of the line “Beat that pussy up”, which not only makes no sense, but also sounds like domestic abuse (Which explains why it’s popular with some black men...and most NFL players) And this is just the worst of it. “Imma knock that pussy out like fight night”? Shouldn’t it mean “Imma knock that pussy out like it’s fight night”? That structure makes no fuckin’ sense! Oh no poor pussy! What did it do to deserve such treatment and disgust by such horny, thirsty idio--oh right, the rest of her foolishly got with them that night. Also the “Regulate” line; what made it so genius and so popular that they had to play it twice during the song, including the start? I will never know but I don’t like it. And Migos repeatedly referring to themselves as “Rich niggas” just makes me laugh. While they aren’t really rich now, they won’t be rich anytime soon. So they better hold onto their money. Those Versace clothes and Timberlands aren’t cheap.
You know what? I’ll just be honest here.
Every song Migos produced, recorded and released this and last year--Migos
I just fucking hate Migos. With a passion. I feel the reason they’re on this Earth is to make music that challenges your mind, destroys your feelings and insults your intelligence, and wins. It just leaves you with a headache so huge and brain so empty, it might take 4 straight weeks of PBS, Jeopardy! and The 700 Club just to get you back on track. The worst of the bunch is their mixtape Rich Nigga Timeline in which it’s a fucking hour of fast-as-hell spitting, nonsensical lyrics, questionably stupid beats and background noises and nasty sexual content. The worst for the whole thing is “Pop That”, three minutes of wanting to breed a state’s worth of children with a woman because of the way she shakes her ass. I wish they never existed or I'd want to wipe them from existence myself. That'll be a fight night.

2) "6 God" -- Drake

The first time I heard this song, I immediately wanted to drink to get this out of my head. And when you listen to this, you’ll understand why.

You know, I don’t like all of Drake’s music, but this is the freaking pits. This is four minutes of Drake rapping and stretching words to fill space! I have never heard something this sound so fucking irritating! Yes, rappers have done this before, but those last times wasn’t as annoying. And he doesn’t do this on just one line; HE DOES THIS ON EVERY OTHER FUCKING LINE!!!! And this goes on after the first few lines. It makes me wanna shoot myself like I’m the Nostalgia Critic (although I shouldn’t mention his name on this list because he’s better [AND funnier] than Drake or this song [and please don’t tell me how many Grammys, VMAs, BET Awards, AMAs, Billboard Awards or other awards he’s won; I don’t really care]). Plus the chorus is also annoying in that Drake’s singing is terrible. I’ve him sing before; he’s pretty good. This is really terrible. I’d hope that after this year, I’d never want to hear this song again, but I live in a house where almost nothing but Hip-Hop is playing, so I’d better save up on Beats headphones...or beer.

And finally...
1) "Anaconda" -- Nicki Minaj
The minute I saw the the artwork for the song’s cover art, I knew this song would suck. I just didn’t know, the minute I first heard it, it would suck ass (pun intended). And yet...I knew this would also be popular.
I just didn’t know it would be THIS popular.

I’ll say this first: It’s a song about a man desire for a lap dance from a woman with a big ass. But this time, it’s told from a woman’s POV. Still, we’ve heard this before, people! We’ve heard songs about quenched-ass men wanting to get sat on before! It’s not new! And she mentions fucking guys who peddle dope (basically half of any female rap song’s MO) to be their personal trophy wife (probably the other half), likes getting head from a man with grills on, and laughs like a fucking hyena! And she says all this with no shame or remorse. I would feel sorry for a woman doing this against her will, but in this case, she’s doing this intentionally. And it’s one reason I’m questioning humanity on Earth. Plus, she sounds like a rapping Trinidadian version of Brittany Morris from Glee, yet somehow makes Brittany sound smarter than her.
Also, this is the second most annoying and irritating Nicki Minaj song I’ve ever heard; right after Stupid Hoe, which is deservedly one of the worst songs ever recorded. I don’t care if the song is actually about women being sexually liberated and expressing their sexuality freely, while making men watch and hear without touching. This song was produced by men, the music video is directed by a man, and the song it samples is by?--you guessed it--A MAN. (And speaking of the sample, the producers don't do a damn thing with it. No change, no idea, no creativeness, nothing. Just the same parts of "Baby Got Back" repeating throughout with nothing genius ) That not only tells you how hypocritical Nicki Minaj sounded, but also proves how thirsty and disgusting we men can be AND ARE. And this is coming from a guy who trying hard not to be a prude. To say nothing of the fact that it still makes women look and sound like whores, and still sounds annoying (And yes, I’ve heard rap songs by men mentioning horrid sex with women, but I find that making men look and sound like whores, too. Creepy, lewd, sick whores) I know this wouldn’t be the last song like this from her, but I have a feeling it may be much worse than this.
“He toss my salad like his name Romaaaiiin”
(snicker) Okay, that line’s pretty funny, but it’s still sick, though.
Nicki, I don't know how you'll top yourself in the slutty, foolish, ass-slinging department, but after this, I think it'll be possible.

And there they are: the Top Ten Worst Hip-Hop/R&B Songs of 2014. Disagree? Well, it's my list and I stand by it. Thanks for joining me, and check back next week for my picks for the Top Ten Best Hip-Hop/R&B Songs of 2014. See you then!

Saturday Night Live 40 Review: Martin Freeman & Charli XCX

Welcome, everyone, to my third review of Saturday Night Live 40.
You know, this season is getting better, in my opinion. The jokes have gotten a little funnier, the memes have gotten more internet-worthy, and I've laughed or smiled more than I have last season...or the season before that. And surprisingly, there still is that miserable Chris Rock episode to drag it down, so the writers have cleaned up their act, and, for better or worse, have cleaned up really well. (We can all agree that that's gonna stop after next week's Christmas episode? I mean, it has to happen. If not, I feel a tear in the time-space continiuum)
Martin Freeman is this week's host. Best known for his roles in The Hobbit films, Sherlock, The original The Office UK (which I didn't know about, but makes him much more awesome) and some show called. Hey, there's more cra--I mean programs in the UK that I haven't heard of, but I Don't Care.

The Cold Open is a spoof on the recent CIA “Torture Report” released by Senate Democrats disguised as an interview on The Charlie Rose Show (with Taran Killam playing the titular host, who, as I know, does not have a clear Southern accent; and yes, I’ve watched his show before, it’s more antiquated, mysterious and questionable. But Lord knows he tried, so I won’t fault him) His guests are James Mitchell and Bruce Jensen (Bobby Moynihan and Kyle Mooney, respectively), the psychologists who devised the report. They talk about how they put together the report and how they were approached by the CIA to create it. They also reveal some other things they invented--like customer service automated recordings (specifically from Time Warner Cable), autocorrect and those self-checkout lines at the supermarkets, where you scan stuff and an annoying-ass feature where you have to wait for assistance pops up, when you really don’t want it to. (Those bastards!!) All while they sit there acting calm and happy.

Anyway, this was a really good CO; Moyni and Mooney were a team on this sketch, bouncing off each other well and giving us some really good laughs. There were a few corny jokes here and there, but really funny otherwise. Now without further adu, LIVE FROM PHILADELPHIA, IT’S THE SUNDAY NIIIIGHT!!!!

(Before I get to the monologue, I want to say that the set looked beautiful with this year’s Christmas decorations lining up the walls and the tree looking amazing.) Now back to the review.

After the usual, Martin came in for his monologue. He mentions the TV shows and films he stars in, and mentions his life before becoming an actor, and his life since (he knows a lot of British actors and musicians); with appearances by Kate McKinnon as Dame Maggie Smith (while in costume as the Dowager Countess of Grantham from Downton Abbey) and Taran Killam as Alan Rickman (dressed as Severus Snape in the Harry Potter films).

It was a good mono, but does the cast have to wear costumes representing characters from TV shows and movies with the intention of hoping the audience know who the actors are? I’m guessing the answer is “yes”. It just works.


After that, a pre-taped musical skit about an elf-turned-pimp in the Christmas spirit named Sump’n Claus. If you’ve done bad and Santa won’t give you a present via the nice list, thus crossing you off (although I find it weird that people believe in Santa when they’re adults, but I won’t get into that), Sump’n Claus will treat you with some cash. This is freaking good. How good?

"Everybody's Getting Sump'n!" My God, that's catchy. #SNL

— Andrew Falala-llard (@APollard36) December 14, 2014

Yes, it’s freaking catchy, the lines are hilarious, the beat is super danceable and Kenan (along with Cecily Strong and Sasheer Zamata as his backup singers) just kills it as Sir Sump’n himself. The line “He sees you when you sleep; that’s weird!” made me laugh my ass off, and the third verse made me almost die. I seriously thought Sump’n and Ms. Claus (Aidy Bryant) were gonna get busy in Santa’s galley, but sipping her cocoa (literally) and eating her Loco was a travesty to Santa, so he kicked Sump’n out of the North Pole, and Sump’n became the good ol’ money racketeering pimp we know and love today. Also, doesn’t this remind you of commercials of those used-car dealerships or check-cashing places/notary public stores you watch on local TV stations wherever you are? Because it just look and feel like those to me. Anyway, a damn good skit and great job to everyone who participated in this.


The Sketch After, Wedding Objections, takes place at a church where a White man, White Castle owner Ian (Freeman), and a Black woman, WNBA star Alberta (Leslie Jones), are beginning to marry (how sweet); but some people in the crowd (i.e. almost everyone) have objected to this courtship. Including:
--Alberta’s roommate Marnie (Baby Aidy), who tells her she knew Ian for 5 days (they met at a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut combination) before the wedding (which may be an eloped marriage for all I know), squicked at the sex they have in their duplex apartment (I assume 10 quickies a day), and hated the full-blown arguments in the porch. She seems like a true friend who doesn’t want this to happen, although she should’ve stopped this on Day 3.
--Ian’s wife (!!!) Patricia (Nessa B), who questions Ian’s throwing away their marriage for one with a tall, easy black woman. He replies he isn’t, but wants love from more than one woman (and race). As sad as it is, I guess the saying “Once you go back, you’ll never go back” is still alive to this day. Oh, and Ian’s a bigamist.
--Alberta’s father (Kenan), who up and tells everybody their personal business: Alberta has 10 children, way more than Ian (and me) thought. Damn, this woman is fucking loose.
--A doctor (TKill), who tells the couple, after a trip to the ER, Ian has a weak penis (no comment) We can blame Alberta for that. (And thanks to the doctor, he has ruined Jenga for me. That starting scene in an episode of The Big Bang Theory is never the same again).
--Alberta’s WNBA teammate Cassidy (CecStrong), who wants her girl to focus on the team or else the $5,000 check (with the rest of the team) goes bye-bye) and,
--Some impliedly racist woman named Evelyn (Kate McKinnon), who just walked by the church, saw the proceedings and walked in like it was her right to object in the name of Cliven Bundy. She’s a psychic and says the marriage will end in murder with Ian being killed by a tall, black, horny, breeding, penis-destroying C-List WNBA player and a big-ass plastic hanger (I’ll just leave this here because it’s funny.)

"Evelyn, get in there and SHUT. IT. DOWN!!" #SNL

— Andrew Falala-llard (@APollard36) December 14, 2014

who all feel they shouldn’t get together for their outrageous reasons. But they fail, as true love prevailed in this strange arrangement of family and...need of chocolate. (ew.) As a part of a family with 10 kids (half of which are adults mind you!), I can kinda relate to the craziness that went on in this sketch, aside from broken penises and murder from hangers.)
Pretty much everything Alberta says in rebuttal is hilarious. Also, everyone who rejected was also hilarious. Ian was hilarious. The parson was hilarious. This whole sketch was hilarious!

Man, this would've been the pilot for a show on The WB and UPN. It would've reached 4 seasons. Three thanks to Leslie. #SNL

— Andrew Falala-llard (@APollard36) December 14, 2014

And so is this. It could've happened back then.

Next up, another pre-tape: one so powerful, it could either heat up the Internet like a search for the One Ring...or crash and burn like a death by Smaug. I think this is the former. This sketch is a crossover between two classic pieces of viewing medium, both of which Freeman starred in: The Office UK and The Hobbit, entitled “The Office: Middle Earth”.

This was a genius piece of writing and source material. Martin does a great job as Bilbo Baggins working at the Wernham Hogg paper company, Moyni was genius as a David Brent-like version of Gandalf the Grey and TKill was also great as Gollum. The sketch included recreations of some of the show’s iconic scenes including Gollum finding his precious in a plate of Jello, and Gandalf the Brent engaging in some very awkward dancing. I have seen a single episode of the original series, but after this, I better start watching.

Right Side of Bed is another one of those local morning show skits the show loves to do. This one is about the banter between the hosts (TKill and CecStrong), and a quick tease to their guest, a DIY maker named Louie (Freeman), who is embarrassed to be on camera.

This was a “meh” sketch with some cringe-worthy laughs. And the co-hosts voices were irritating as hell, although, that may be the point. I got better laughs from Louie and the sad lady Margene (played by Baby Aidy--heh, rhyme), even though there weren’t many.

Doesn't anyone else think Cecily Strong could pass for white? Does anyone think she's aware of this? #SNL

— Andrew Falala-llard (@APollard36) December 14, 2014

This was what I was thinking (and tweeting, clearly) during the sketch, because during sketches when she's supposed to be a white woman, I almost always mistake her for Vanessa. Fortunately, this only happens for a second.

Another pre-taped sketch...sigh. Not their fault, though. It’s a live show, and everyone has to prepare for the next sketches, and these pre-tapes are there to keep everything going smoothly. As I so thought after I made this tweet.
At St. Joseph’s church, everyone is ready to prepare for the annual Christmas mass. And that includes EVERYTHING.

I’ve been to church many times before, and I must say it’s pretty spot-on. The old man (Jay Pharaoh) with the sweaty-ass palm, the organist (Kate Mc) who still can’t get it right, the pastor’s (Moyni) change in speech speed, along with a peek into his chambers (just a table in there), the choir leader (Baby Aidy) who tries really hard, the foreigners who attend because their house is nearby and many others. Really spot-on And it really helped it become hilarious. And the angle of the commercial skit, as if it would air on MTV or Spike or Velocity, really sold it.

Later, at an assembly line, a worker (TKill) gets the tips from his boss (Freeman) on how to do his job. And it’s a really easy job.

Man, this dude looks like the son of Pat from “It’s Pat!” and Ed Grimley. You have to wonder how the hell he got this job or how stupid the boss was to hire him. This dude is as stupid as Chip and Skip from Camp Lazlo.
This was so-so; there were a few good laughs, especially at the end when the light turned blue but still. I was more impressed with Martin’s American accent; made me forget for a minute that he’s British.

A lounge singer (Kenan) at a bed and breakfast is performing with his band, while his sax player Isaac (Martin) just wants to play, and not talk with the audience about the goings-on in his life.

The part about Kenan’s whining in despair about his red boots being missing was hilarious, along with the monotone-looking man wearing said boots. I’ve wished Kenan would put his same-old voice to good, goofy use all season and he finally does it. And he does it well. I FIND THIS THE BEST PART OF THE SKETCH.

And finally, a Waterbed Commercial for local waterbed distributor Waterbed Warehouse. I won’t say more, because everything you need to know is in the name and description.

Baby Aidy was the star of the sketch as Janine, and Martin did great as the store salesman, but Aidy stole the whole thing.


This week’s musical guest Charli XCX is best known as the featured artist in Icona Pop’s “(I Don’t Care) I Love It” and Iggy Azalea’s monster summer smash “Fancy”, Charli has branched out to become one hot item in Pop music...well, besides her own hot items.

Heh heh heh. But she has proved herself with her infectious vocals and talent for writing, as she pretty much to the world by storm, and cemented it when she hit the SNL stage...in more ways than one.

First up, her hit single from the soundtrack of The Fault in Our Stars (the 100th teen novel-turned-teen film-turned-bona fide-Teen Choice Awards-winner...this millenium), “Boom Clap”. First off, the title reminds me of the two basic things an infant does on any normal day: go Boom-boom in his/her diaper and clap his/her hands. Anyway, this was a really good performance; The song is really good, the lyrics are good, her vocals are really good, and that outfit

was very good. Although, I was at first disgusted by it at first sight, when I made this tweet:

I'm sorry, but Charli XCX looks ready for bed...at the Playboy Mansion. #SNL

— Andrew Falala-llard (@APollard36) December 14, 2014

Take that however you wish.
The second one, however, I really don’t want to take in any way...or wish. It’s called “Break the Rules”.

This is one song I can definitely do without in life. Just look at the chorus:
“I don’t wanna go to school/I just wanna break the rules
Boys and girls around the world/Putting on their dancing shoes
Going to the discotheque/Getting high and getting wrecked
I don’t wanna go to school/I just wanna break the rules”
Yep, folks. Charli XCX has recorded an anthem for the idiots, horn-dogs, skanks and overall menaces of society. Call a prude if you want, but this is music that glorifies foolish, idiotic, uncontrollable, vapid and downright sad behavior. Throw in the recent riots in Ferguson, MO, for a heart-wrenching example, and I’ve proved my point.
All in all, I loved the first performance and hated the second. And to think...I would’ve loved it when she wore more clothing between performances.

Update time:
part 1

part 2


--Jost and Che continue to get better. Colin is less boring (well slightly) and Michael has gotten more comfortable in his new role as co-anchor. I have enjoyed this new hosting team, and I hope they continue to grow, and not stay at this level for a while.
You got one more week, Jost and Che. Wow me.

--SaZam appears to discuss Emojis...and why there isn’t one with a black face on it. It was pretty good. The emoji she uses looks really creepy (she should stop using it for the good of the African American race), and I loved the bold move of turning controversy into laughs, and they did it well.

--CecStrong returns with a new character and she is a parody of one-dimensional female characters in male-driven comedy films. Her name: A One-Dimensional Female Character From a Male-Driven Comedy. *sigh* Because The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party...just didn’t feel like a mouthful to the writing staff, so they had to make another long-ass name for a Cecily Strong character. And that’s where she came in.
-If they’re wanting to bring her back sometime later on this season, at least I hope they change her hair color and clothes, because the ambiguous nature of the character involves change thanks to more than one movie with more than one fem-char. Or else she’ll be named The Same One-Dimensional Female Character From The Same Male-Driven Comedy.

--Another classic recurrer returns in time for the holidays: Jacob the Bar Mitzvah Boy! yay. While I find him great, the one thing I find irritating is when he is asked by an anchor about his life, he just looks at them with a creepy smile, and looks into his speech book. I know that’s the joke, but My God, it creeps me out. Other than that, I love him so much, and I wish he comes back soon. Although he could stop looking like he just celebrated his bar mitzvah, instead of celebrating his friends' bar mitzvahs.

Favorite Sketches:
Wedding Objections
Sump'n Claus
Holiday Gig
honorable mentions:
Church/Waterbed Commercial

Worst Sketches:
Assembly Line
Right Side of Bed

So, in conclusion, it was a really good show. Not a sketch I really hate, and the best ones were almost all of them, especially the Wedding sketch and Sump’n Claus pre-tape. Martin was amazing as host
And I must say, while the ladies took last week in , the guys did the dirty work this week, and really shined, especially Moyni, Kenan and TKill. Great job guys!! Keep up the good work!!

Next week, Amy Adams hosts the annual Christmas episode! With music from ONE DIRECTION!!! YAAYYY!! YEAH!!!! WAAAAHHHOOOO!!!!
I’m sorry, but I like One Direction now. Their music has gotten much better since after Take Me Home and I can say this with no shame or regret.
Goodnight!!

Saturday Night Live 40 Review: James Franco & Nicki Minaj

Hey everyone, welcome back to my weekly review of Saturday Night Live 40.
After my admittedly lacking review 2 weeks ago, I promised to do better with my approach to my thoughts on the sketches, musical performances and Update edition. So what better show do I start with than this one hosted by James Franco with musical guest...Nicki Minaj. (Oh God, I need a drink just typing that. And that was on Monday the 1st.)

We start with the Cold Open, which is….another one about politics. (sigh) This time spoofing MSNBC's PoliticsNation with Al Sharpton’s coverage of the Grand Jury decisions after the deaths of Eric Garner and Michael Brown.

Kenan Thompson (with the voice working in his favor this time, sounding close to him) was great as Sharpton, mocking his voice, speech mannerisms that make words sound different when old people say them, the fact that he is bigger than Sarpton today & made an aside about gaining weight, his indifference with everyone and interruptions of guests. Bobby Moynihan and Jay Pharaoh were also good as Sharpton's guests Civil Right Lawyer Lawrence Tatum and Peter DiNello of the Patrolmen’s Benevolent Association, although Jay's jokes were from Tatum's interruption by Sharpton. All in all, pretty good start to what happened to be a really middling show.

After "LFNYIST!" and the title sequence, James walks to the stage for his monologue, presenting himself as actor, poet, and dude, and mentions his new film "The Interview" from Sony, which was hacked last week, with some of its films leaked on the Internet by said hackers. He of course mocked this incident by pointing out that personal information about him wasn't leaked, so he decided to leak them himself before other could do so.

(Just so you know, the email address is fake)
And of course, his "Interview" Seth Rogen makes the obligatory co-star cameo to mention some...questionable photos they took together has been leaked from their phones. All of them either half-naked or full-frontal. He also mentions the incident involving photos he took of a young girl on his Instagram account earlier this year. Seems like a good sport to mock his troubles.
(After the mono, a promo for The Interview aired, featuring [guess who] Nicki Minaj as a guest on the show-within-a-a-film . Which explains why she’s the musical guest.)


The Sketch After the monolouge just had to mock the network’s telecast of Peter Pan Live (no exclamation point; I hate that) with Cecily Strong playing Alison Williams in her portrayal as The Boy Who Never Grew Up (mentioning how boyish his female-like self is and some show called Girls), and just as perfectly coincidental, while Tinkerbell is out of town (?), popular recurring character Tonkerbell (Tink's half-sister) returns. Her (played by Aidy Bryant) appearance (mentioning she jacks children's money for her own teeth and likes a guy who drowns kids) just made it 30% better. And James Franco mocking Christopher Walken’s performance as Captain Hook (basically how dull it was and his boring mannerisms) made it another 33% better. Also, Kate McKinnon, Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooney as the Darling children, the weak-ass fight and Moyni as the Bat from some movie made it all come together in a nicely-wrapped package of odd, delicious and way better than the real thing.
This was just fucking GENIUS! I applaud the writes and producers for working such a sketch in so quickly.

Just like I found this spoof on the new Star Wars Episode VII trailer genius. The spoof features a mock of the first Black Storm-trooper, how old the characters look and act (because the three human cast members from the original films are older and have their own grandchildren) and question the droid that looks ready for the FIFA World Cup. Even though this seems like any parody video on YouTube mocking all this, it's still funny. (I will point out the font for The Force Awakens looks old too). Although I saw an obvious screw-up with graphic, as I saw a green screen behind Kenan's character spoof (X tape spot and all).


Next sketch, MTV is “airing” a special program as part of its Jingle Ballerz special, Hip-Hop Nativity, a modern-day reenactment the birth of Jesus Christ, hosted by "Drunk or High" host KaTyler Smith (Pete Davidson) and including some of today’s hottest musical acts.

The casting was just perfect: Kate Mc as Justin Bieber (always a crowd pleaser), Taran Killam as Eminem, Franco as Riff Raff (who?), Kenan as Rick Ross, The Pharaoh as Kanye West playing Yeezus Christ (I will not refer to him as Jesus), Nicki Minaj as Beyonce and Sasheer Zamata as Rihanna. She sounds like Riri if she had a head cold and looks close to her if she had severe sunburn). All in all, while execution was really good, the idea was great, and would’ve been better if the network airing this wasn’t MTV, since it barely airs anything music-based anymore, but enough about that.

Grow-A-Guy

Straight after, a strange pre-taped sketch by writer-turned-featured-player-turned-writer-again Mike O’Brien about friends at a lake house bonfire joking around. Then a guy named Flint (Beck Benn) tells Trevor (O’Brien) something personal about him (Flint) and the group being his only friends, with Trevor replying that he does have others. And sets to prove him wrong...artificially creating and growing a human being (played by Franco) to be his "other friend".
This one was pretty corny...and very gross. The human-making process was really disgusting, the end where everyone but Trevor explodes gave me a small heart attack, and things they say weren’t very funny (sure, it’s the point, but still). Flint is a fucking jerk (and hypocrite when he explodes). Also, the shout-Outs to Guardians of the Galaxy were kinda dated, especially after the ones made back in the first episode hosted by Chris Pratt. This was one of the strange-but-funny bits we’ve been seeing this and last season, and I usually enjoy them, but this one is one of the ones I can definitely do without. For sure.
#TheHastagCuriousityJokeWasKindaFunnyThough

Magic Bridge/Troll
Soon after, a young couple (Baby Aidy & KyMoo) try to cross a bridge in the woods but are stopped by a troll who lives under it (Franco)

and his...chain-smoking, low-rent buddy (CecStrong).
This involves a lot of kissing (but not from the female) and cheering from the audience. I laughed more from the Dora the Explorer joke I made than from this sketch, and I won't explain more because it was questionably bad.

Here's the version that was taped during Dress Rehearsal. I don't know why this was chosen for the Live Show in the first place.

Sketch after Update takes place inside Pete’s Brain: because he has so many memories in there, he tries to remove them to make room for another via a specialist (Franco). My favorite parts were some of the memories themselves: including TKill as a song, Baby Aidy as the word Rhombus and Jay as Fresh Prince of Bel-Air era Will Smith and Moyni as Judge Lance Ito from the OJ Simpson Trial. This sketch was mixed (more good than bad), and would gotten worse had Nicki Minaj’s involvement in this one got longer. But I learned to move past it.

(Unfortunately, no clip available. Blame YT and Yahoo)

No offence to a certain follower on Twitter who really likes Nicki Minaj (who would probably unfollow me soon after posting), but Nicki’s involvement in sketches really annoyed me. She only appeared in two, and already they were enough to make me grind my teeth in anger.

Like that.

Kid Mayor is about a kid named Tommy, who is the mayor of the small town of Aldridge, Minnesota. Everyone is ecstatic and pleased with this result thanks to Tommy's cute face, cheerful dispostion and the fact that he's still barely an infant, Yet, someone else isn't pleased or ecstatic about it--his competition Tad Rankin, a grown man (obviously) who faced against Tommy in the election, and made a political ad whining about losing to a 4-year-old.

Franco's enthusiasm and wide-eyed manic behavior made this sketch work. His anger toward a four-year-old boy doing certain things (like watching Frozen, sleeping early and soiling a pair of pants) that are cute when Tommy does them and weird when he does them was hilarious. I think this was my second favorite after "Peter Pan Live spoof".

Former Porn Stars
In the Ten-to-One Sketch (Technically, Five-to-One, since it aired five minutes to 1AM...or maybe Dive-to-One, heh-heh...pun), the Former Porn Stars make their return to horn--I mean form. This time, Brecky and (idiot with unknown name) are spokes-sluts of of a yacht company called Sunseeker Yachts. They explain the enjoyment of being on a yacht but wind up mentioning getting past banged or squirted in different ways

Sure, this sketch is really formulaic, but like Phineas and Ferb, the jokes are different and land almost every time. They’ll all sick sex jokes, but that’s the point of these two cum-brained knob-slobs. They’re just genius. Seth Rogen (aka James Franco) comes back to help out and make this sketch even more cringeworthy (aka funnier).

And speaking of funnier, here is a sketch that didn't make it to the Live Show, but was gracefully released on its YT channel. Called "Morning News", it's a report on the news like it's done on any TV station in America. Two anchors (here played by CesStrong & Kenan) act breezy and calm while reading the news, like nothing bad happens. Then came the Ferguson Grand Jury decision and riots...and everything's screwed.
(LesJo appears as traffic reporter Trisha Darby and Franco appears as a guest chef with an...unfortunate name)

This is commentary of race and tension in America based on the riots...and is funny too. Why was this cut while the damn troll skit was added? I don't know if Lorne was afraid people would get offended by this (coming from a guy that created a show that started off offensive) or might find it unfunny, or both, but had this sketch been added, I'd take being offended over being bored. This sketch toes the line between funny and controversial (with a touch of awkward), and ends up both bold as hell and funny as fuck. This was a bold thing to do and paid off on the Internet. People LIKE this, and would've been one of the best sketches of the week, had it been chosen for the show, and not the FUCKING STUPID TROLL SKIT!!!

Nicki Minaj is is the musical guest this week, so I had about two weeks to mentally and psychologically prepare for what would entail on screen (and be defiled on stage). Of course, Nicki would usually shake her ass a lot, as that's in her DNA, and her voice would be a high-pitched audio equivalent to cats screeching in heat, so that's what I'm used to. I was sure she would perform two of the three recent songs she released: Pills N Potions, Anaconda and Only. And I was correct in that the song she wouldn't perform would be PNP...but I was surprised it wouldn't be Anaconda either (although half-wrong is the word, because she would perform part of it in the Brain sketch).
Instead, Nicki performed a new song called “Bed of Lies“ featuring Skyler Grey. It’s...actually good. I actually like the sound and rhymes from this set. It’s very nice, at least.

As for her second performance, it was what I feared. It was “Only”. Now, it was boring, mostly because of the beat. And her lines were corny, especially those about duct tape. I swear I heard some boos in the audience...okay, they were in my head. But still, corny. Thank Goodness, it was short, as this turned into a medley, which got better for me. The song is “All Things Go”, a very serious and powerful song detailing Minaj's life before becoming a rapper, including having an abortion when she was 16, and being proposed marriage at a young age. This one sounded better beat-wise, and her vocals and raps were really good. This song is pretty much my fave from her lastest album. And I’ll take mid-tempo hip-hop over dull pings and bass any day.

Also the set background is really nice. Looks like a New York subway like previously (more the walls of Grand Central Station).
She did have a lot going for her. She is smoking hot, fake ass or no. And she was on point with her spitting, so I won’t fault her technically. 2/3rds of the songs she performed were really good, and I praise her for not doing the ones I hated. So all in all, mixed. Loved "BoL", could care less for "Only", and really loved "ATG". She exceeded my expectations and that made me happy. Well done, Nicki. Well dome.

Update time:
Jost and Che were...actually enjoyable. Even though some of the jokes weren’t. In fact, the parts were more serious and biting than funny. And somehow, I like it. It’s very different, very positive and just what this duo needs to make their Update era to move forward. If they can do it more in a baby steps fashion, they can last a few more seasons in a more positive direction.

Moyni returned as Second-hand News Correspondent Anthony Crispino. Although he wasn’t as very popular as Kate Mc’s Angela Merkel, CesStrong’s Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started a Conversation With at a Party and Moyni’s own Drunk Uncle, I like Crispino as an alternative who can hold his own in a bit and still make me laugh. His jokes and timing were really good and has become a favorite of mine (yes, more than Druncle Stan for sure, whom I see as funny, but also a little overrated).

Leslie Jones just can’t stop being funny. This time talking about marijuana legalization and how this accounts to users visiting dating sites and not to African Americans. Seriously, I know her humor isn’t for everyone, but it is a lot of everyone, which was why she was promoted to featured so quickly. I just love her so much and want her to appear again soon. (But not too soon, I don't wanna be annoyed).
And this line "Have you ever been called a bitch...by Harriet Tubman?" just kills me every time.
Although she could tone down her creepy flirty passes at Jost a bit. It's a little unsettling.

Kim Kardashian showed up to talk about her ass in an issue (no, THE issue, he says sarcastic as fuck) of Paper magazine. She shows those photos of her in some places for comparison. Who gives a fuck? This shit needs to stop. Taking about Kim Kardashian and her ass in that God-awful photo shoot needs to stop. I'd rather hear about anything else other than this crap. Fuck, I'd rather listen about the life of Adoph Hitler set to the music of Insane Clown Posse rather than this! And the fact that she's played by Nicki Minaj (who herself has an ass that men also gawk and cream about) just makes this more bad (not to mention her annoying-as-shit voice making it worse). And I won't get into anymore crap about how they don't look or sound alike, because I wanna remove the memories like Pete did earlier.

Favorite Update Bits:
Eric Garner
Snapple Cap
Detroit Power Outage
Girl Scout Prison Cookies
Leslie Jones
Black Peter

Top Three Sketches:
Peter Pan Live Spoof
Kid Mayor Rebuttal Ad
MTV's Jingle Ballerz/Hip-Hop Nativity

Worst Sketches:
Magic Bridge/Troll
Grow-A-Guy (*shiver*)

And that is it for the review this week. I think James Franco was a really good host. A few of the sketches were really weak, but the ones I liked really shined for me, and Franco was great in them all. And Nicki Minaj surprised the hell out of me by being better than I thought. Not that I hoped she'd be bad or that I hate her personally, but she was better than I thought. Well done to both, and the cast for making a better episode this week. The guys did really good, but Girl power was in force with all the better stuff coming from the ladies, especially Baby Aidy, CesStrong and Nessa B. Great job, ladies!!
And congrats to Mike O'Brien for coming out of the hole that is the writers' room to appear in a sketch this week. Just...don't creep us out next time.

Next week, The Hobbit and Sherlock star Martin Freeman hosts SNL for the first time, with music from another first-timer, Charli XCX. You know, (I Don't Care) I love It, Fancy and Boom Clap? No?? Good. See you then! Goodnight!

1 Season Wonder: Freaks and Geeks

Welcome to 1 Season Wonder, a segment of Maroon Mondays. And you know what that means. At least I think you do...
I scour across the Internet and find TV shows with only 1 season, watch them, see if I enjoyed them, talk about them here and put them in a list of 1-Season Wonders. It sounds easy as it looks, right? No, you actually have to find these shows, watch through them hoping they're not as painful as they were the first time, and debate with yourself to see if it makes the list. If that sounds challenging and you want it that way, then let's do it.

In a world where low-minded jocks rule the hallways of high school, where goofy-looking nerds rule the study halls and libraries, where the adults can't be any more smothering and clueless about their kids and kids in general, and the music that truly defined a decade and generation, you get one of the most critically-acclaimed, well-beloved and questionably-short series of the 90s...and also probably of all time. It's Freaks and Geeks.



Created by Paul Feig and premiering on NBC on September 25, 1999, Freaks and Geeks explores the the students, cliques, and behaviors within William McKinley High School in Chippewa, Michigan. Lindsay Weir is a "freak", an academic prodigy, a mathlete, and all-around nobody. She and her brother Sam, a "geek" with a love of Star Wars, LARPing, and algebra, move up to High School and face new challenges in their lives. For Lindsay, it's a new discovery in herself, including wearing a rad-ass army jacket and hanging with some strange, yet really cool beans friends aka the "freaks". And for Sam, it means bullies, bullies, new study groups and chess tournaments...and bullies.
But in that one year, they both find change in their daily minutae. Lindsay makes new friends in Daniel Desario, Ken Miller, Nick Andopolis and Kim Kelly, also "Freaks"; while Sam makes some in Neal Scheiber and Bill Haverchuck, also "geeks". This new rag-tag group of friends go through school, life and the troubles and tribulations that real-life teenagers would face in the 80s...and this series did it well.

This show was--well, awesome. And all the characters are awesome. They all have their own brand of humility and humor that some other shows of the era don't have...and they were not even in their 30s...yet. (Almost all of them were either in their 20s or a little older than their characters at the time of production [and some show it], with John Francis Daly being the exception, but still) They all weren't one-dimensional, boring or shitty. They were very complex, close-to-real-life and were likable. Lindsay and Sam are smart, but she doesn't bring any nerdy stereotypes to the table, and Sam does brought the ones that weren't exaggerated or blown up for the gags. Plus, the Freaks were like normal people, just different from what we thought were different; they think and act differently. And they were cool for it. Not many series could have a group of characters like this.

Wow, this series had it all about the 80s: the fashions, the attitudes, the hair. As much of the 80s as possible is thrown into this series, and it was done really well. Hey, it's Judd Apatow; the dude's a producing genius. Also, the use of Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation" as the theme song was freaking rad. In fact, the use of many songs of the 80s is freaking rad. Although it cost the show's budget greatly, it worked well in the producers' favor, and, along with sharp writing and acting, would help create some of its' memorable scenes. Like this one.

And speaking of said scenes, my God, were they filled to the brim with awkwardness. Many of them were either hilarious or heartwarming with a touch of hilarious in them. But of course, it it had some awkward in them, and that's what made them (and this series) memorable. I feel very sorry for the producers because they had a cultural touchstone on their hands, but NBC cancelled it just when it got better. A start in a time slot on Saturday did not help (although, at the time, it was a night that was programmed like the others), and a move to a night where Who Wants to Be a Millionaire was the fucking king of TV made things worse. After said cancellation, three episodes didn't air, so they (along with the rest of the show) would air on the network that later become known as ABC Family. That still wouldn't satisfy the fans (or the producers).

Even 15+ years later, everyone's still riled up about it's cancellation. Judd Apatow is still pissed about it. Just last month, Seth Rogen ran into a former NBC exec to complain about it. Here's an idea: How about making a revival?!?
Revivals have been huge this decade: From Reading Rainbow to now-cancelled Dallas, the shows that everyone loved from years past have come back in full force and has gained many fans. So why not do one for Freaks and Geeks?? Sure, the cast has grown up and has gone to different endeavors, but the show isn't called Freaks and Geeks in High School! Have the characters shown 35+ years after high school and into their own accords. Show them in that setting and that'll satisfy everyone.
I don't blame the producers for being angry about the show's death. NBC shuffled the show around the schedule, barely promotes it, and aired the episode out of order, causing the continuity to end up out of whack. So I see why they're still peeved after all these years.
But they do have a right to be peeved after all. This show is so damn good, brilliantly written, amazingly cast and wonderfully produced. This is one of the best shows of the 90s. As great as Friends, Seinfeld, . This show will live in fame...(insert famous quote here).

All episodes are available on YT and Netflix, with reruns airing on IFC and FXX.
Favorite Characters: All of them.

No words can describe how much I love each and every one of these main characters
Favorite Episode: Pilot--which started everything and looked, sounded and felt like a great pilot in the process.

Well, there it is, Freaks and Geeks, the ninth edition of the 1 Season Wonder segment, added to the list of 1 Season Wonders--because it just had to, and this show is too good not to be. This show is on of the best short-lives TV series in history for a reason. And I'm just glad it exists for all of us to watch, enjoy, love and have close in our conscience. And it's all deserved.

Thank you for joining me for this edition. Tune in next month for another edition of 1 Season Wonder involving another classic series that was criminally AND undeservedly short-loved lived. Also it's one show Sheldon Cooper is still crushed up about.

See you then!!

#201: Saturday Night Live 40 Review: Cameron Diaz & Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars

Hello, everyone. Andrew here, welcoming you to the first review of Saturday Night Live 40. This season has been...well...mixed, to be honest. The episodes hosted by Chris Pratt, with musical guest Ariana Grande,

former cast member Bill Hader, with Hozier,

and Jim Carrey (although Iggy Azalea was really bad)

were freaking awesome,

the one by Sarah Silverman & Maroon 5 was mixed (and would've been worse had their performance of "Animals" (a song I hate) been terrible [but it was really good].)
and the one by Chris Rock

was horrible, with the saving graces being the monologue and the supawemazballs mega-performance by Prince.

I then checked out the ep hosted by Woody Harrelson, and I thought "hey, that was funny!! I see they've gotten their groove back. Maybe this season won't be that bad."
Then I checked out this week's show hosted by Cameron Diaz, and THEN I thought '...maybe I'll need to check out a few episodes".

Some of the sketches aren't shown here because their videos on YouTube are blocked...in this country. I'm not even gonna.

We start off with the Cold open...which is a "new episode" of Schoolhouse Rock. (Look, if you wanna make it look that, at least use some old ABC bumpers from the 70s to make it more believable.) This features a twist on the classic "I'm Just A Bill" with Kyle Mooney as a kid wanting to learn about the government, and getting some info from a Bill, played by Kenan Thompson (who, at this point, can play any character and still does it in the same voice; and that's not a good thing). The Bill explains how an order goes into law, and then gets pushed down the stairs by President Obama, who shows the boy a new bill called Executive Action which gets Obama to create his own bill on any issue he feels must be dealt with, and immediately puts that to law.

Obama acts like a jerk to Bill here (although that's the point); Bill is an idiot for continually coming up the stairs, only to get knocked off them by Obama; and Bobby Moynihan's portrayal of Executive Action was a little dull, but still got the job done.
This CO is really good; I commend the writers for putting a humorous spin on Obama turning "Evil" and pretty much saying "Hey, I'm the president, and I can do whatever I want, no matter how many Republicans stand in my way" and it works. Jay did great as Obama, with Kenan and Bobby also doing great as Bill and Executive Action, pretty much proving
I do hope the show would do one that has nothing to do with politics; I don't care if it's bad, just without Bronco Bama every goddamn week.

After "LFNYISN" and the title sequence (which I will say is one of the show's best ever, with its use of NYC as a backdrop, retro vibe and the technique which graphics move along with the video in real-time, this one has everything that's awesome), Cameron comes to stage for her monologue, which involves her not wanting questions from the audience. Yet she gets them anyway in another edition of "Host Gets Asked Questions from 'Audience Members'", but they weren't even questions.

Also,

The sketch after takes place at a high school play, in which students act out the contemporaries of Thanksgiving.

This sketch sucks. I don't know if it was supposed to be that way, but even then, it falls flat. I had a better enjoying the reactions of the two people in the audience (played by Kenan and Vanessa) WHO CLEARLY AREN'T ENJOYING THE PLAY like I did.

The next sketch "New Annie" is just a meta parody of the second (yes, second) remake of Annie, with Leslie Jones as New Annie, Jay Pharoah as Jamie Foxx, Diaz as her character Ms. Hannigan...and Vanessa Bayer as Annie. ?

This makes little sense to me. I don't know why there was a white Annie in this one, when this is supposed to mock the new(est) Annie. At first watch, I hoped the writers and producers know what this film was about before the skit was made, and thank God they did, but still. Leslie was a riot as new, black Annie, Jay was great as Jamie Foxx and Diaz was pretty good, but forced as her portrayal as her character Ms. Hannigan.
On the down side, Vanessa's portrayal as white Annie (especially with the voice) was irritating. I know that's the point, but I watched the original Annie many times; she was NOT like this all the time. The ending with Kenan make the skit palpable, but not entirely great.

In a taped bit, the ladies of SNL (along with Cameron) bring it on home (literally to their parents' homes) for Thanksgiving with "Back Home Ballers".

It's no "(Do It On My) Twin Bed", but it's still drop-dead funny. Especially when Leslie comes in And Lil' Baby Aidy just brings it every time.

In another sketch "Office Boss", a couple (played by Kenan and Shasheer Zamata) visit the man's boss and his wife (Diaz) for a dinner date. The wife is telling them a story of how she and the boss met, and straight after asks her husband to come downstairs. It's Office Boss Baby (played by Beck Benett), a man who has the intelligence and money of a CEO but pretty much has something like Down's Syndrome.

The man is pretty much kissing his ass to become CFO of his company, and sits through what has to be one of the saddest nights of his life. I'd either stay where I was or quit so that I don't have to deal with this crap.

You know when I watched this, I thought of the implications that their marriage has. Including:
--Do these two have sex? Because that's sick.
--What the hell was she thinking when she met him??
--Is the man really that desperate for a promotion, that he and his wife had to sit down through this dreck?
--God I feel like dying.
At least one of those was answered when Boss Baby's wife reveals that they're having a(nother) baby.

At this point, it made me lose faith in humanity.
The first half of the skit was funny, especially when Boss Baby dropped in. When wifey fed him baby food, I stopped laughing. Beck plays him really well, and want to see him more soon.

Later on, a skit involving Kenan as a nature show host with his co-host, a monkey named Buggles. This is not cute. At all.

This sketch made me want to vomit, and I was sick with severe allergies last night barely pulling on through this and the edition of SNL Vintage, so I was hoping for that. The whole thing is just "Hey, my monkey co-host ripped my dick and nuts clean off". I don't know who the fuck would find this funny, but I didn't, the audience didn't, and I'm sure almost 85% of viewers didn't either. This is definitely the Worst Sketch of the Week.
After this, I asked my sister to change the channel, because I just couldn't watch any more of this. I found better entertainment from Burns & Allen, The Patty Duke Show and Alfred Hitchcock Presents on Antenna TV.

I missed a few more sketches, and the second performance by Ronson and Mars. And for good reason.

As for Ronson & Mars, they shut the stage down. The performance of "Uptown Funk" was absolutely amazing. And the set looked electrifying (literally, there were enough lights to blow up the electric bill).

I don't know if the writers planned on making this ep sickening and make the viewers vomit before Thanksgiving dinner, but if that was their plan, I can understand that, but I feel they've done it a bit too hard this time. The sketches were nauseating, not really hilarious and made me want to pray to God to keep me from killing people. This episode was terrible. Almost all the sketches were either not funny or grotesque (and in a couple cases, BOTH).

The Saving Graces this week were the CO and Ronson and Mars' performance.

I really need to watch the show in 2 weeks so that I need to end my watching SNL ends on a better note. I can't not do this, and it will kill me.

And that's it for my first review, and I hope you guys enjoyed it more than I enjoyd the show. I know we all have different tastes in humor, but this show wasn't good for me. Tune in on December 7 for my review of Episode 8, hosted by James Franco, with musical guest Nicki Minaj (dear God, this may get worse).

See you then!!

200th POST EVER!!: I Love Over The Garden Wall (my thoughts on the series)

Hey, everyone. You know...
I've never been more excited for a series with less than 20 episodes total in my life than I have with Over The Garden Wall.

Over The Garden Wall is a mini-series (the first for Cartoon Network) created by Patrick McHale, about a young man named Wirt and his little brother Greg going on an adventure like never before. Wirt is a shy teenager with a lov of self-indulgent poetry and clarinet, and Greg is a happy-go-lucky kid with a wonderful dispostition and can-do attitude. The two end up lost; Wirt freaks out, and Greg is busy wondering of a name for the pet frog he kept. And in this story is a completely different world beyond imagination. There, they face questionable tactics, evil figures and--that makes their brotherly bond, and Wirt's new-found confidence, aalong with undying love for Greg grow stronger.

Since New York Comic-Com, my interest in this increased. From the video clips and pictures I've seen, and from the music I've heard, this series is just a wonderful mash of beautiful animation, amazing voice acting and just plain wonderful music. I've read many comments, tweets and Facebook posts I've read, I've read nothing but amazing praise about Over The Garden Wall, praise I've never seen for a series before. And all because of that, I thought that this series was certain (despite being only 10 11-minute episodes long) to be one of Cartoon Network's best series in its history. You would bet your butt it'll this great...and it was. And then some.

Everything about it screamed brilliant. The writing, the producing, the animation, the voice casting and the way it was all put together. We all thought there would be a start, middle and end. Nope, there was a middle, start, shocker, and end. And this placement made everything more amazing. Oh, the start of the chapter where we saw many people and things and sights and sounds, like the pretty girl and cute dog, the dolls and trinkets, the guy looking at a picture and quivers when he sees a shadow, and a fish fishing for fish? Freakin' genius! All of these things shown would later be part of a reveal in a later chapter. (SPOILER ALERT)
--The pretty girl is Beatrice, and the dog is hers.
--The trinkets are people who work at or frequent a local tavern in Chapter 4.
--The man, the painting and the shadow are (in order) tea company owner Quincy Endicott, a woman he once loved, and Margurite Grey, a competitor he now loves in Chapter 5.
--The fish-fishing fish saves Wirt from drowning in Chapter 8.

The animation is also brilliant. It's like Adventure Time and Gravity Falls mixed together to make beautiful landscapes of color, tint, detail, and shine. I almost always stop and look at the backgrounds and appreciate how stupendous they look. If an animator could have a brain orgasm, this would be a show to get one from. Well, along with AT and GF (also great series with great animation). The animators took to great lengths and spent painstaking hours to create a beautiful new world no one will ever forget, and it paid off big time.

Also, the work the actors who voice the characters did a really great job. Elijah Wood does an awesome job as Wirt, making him sound believable as an angst-addled teenager with not much direction in life. Colin dean does an equally-awesome job as Gregory, making him sound really believable as cheerful child that never stops being cheerful and happy, never stops jumping in to help out a person in need (and succeeds) and never stops being funny (and he really succeeds at that). Melanie Lynskey also wowed me as Beatrice, a bird filled with guilt, regret and pain masked by sarcasm, wit and amazing spirit (well, at first, mostly to Greg, and not to Wirt at all), and Christoper Lloyd just amazing as The Woodsman. His voice, mannerisms, haminess and overall talent just make Woodsman captivating. Like I said before, he's Doc Brown or The Hacker, but he is his own character, and that's what makes him great.

And it's not just the main four actors that put in work in this series. The is also the supporting cast that also do really good work. Including singer Chris Issak as Enoch, John Cleese as Quincy Endicott and Adelaide, Bebe Neuwirth as Marguerrite Grey, Tim Curry as Auntie Whistles, Shirley Jones as Beatrice's mother and opera singer Samuel Samey as The Beast, among others. The producers went outside to box to cast voice actors we either don't know of or haven't heard of in a while, and dammit, it worked so well.

And I just wanna talk about the music. Oh right, I already have. It's all in my special edition of Long/Short Music Review: The Music of Over the Garden Wall. It's a good read that even the people that make the music, The Blasting Company, loved it.

(Okay, corny, shameless self-promoting over)

This series is just beautiful. Everyone who lent their talents into this series should get a pat on the back, take a bow, get a hug and other things that express gratitude and praise. And it's all deserved. This is a series you should watch and watch again, with family, friends, people you don't know, or just yourself. Any awards it gets nominated for, it deserves. Everything about it is just awesome.
I Love Over the Garden Wall, and you should to.

Surprise SLMR: Don't Tell Em

Surprise Short/Long Music Review time!! (again.)
This time, the man that (unfortunately) brought us "Birthday Sex", a song about using your dick as a gift for your girl's birthday (and will always be inferior to Dick in a Box) is back with another about sex, and this time the happiness of birthdays is replaced by the fear, compulsion, temptation and utter sadness of adultery. But according to Jeremih, that can masked by keeping it a secret. So here's his latest dip into not hiring prostitutes and keeping it in his pants, featuring YG, who might as well Toot It and Boot It to the hospital if he ever confesses; "Don't Tell Em".



...
--ZZZZZZZZ
"Mustard on the beat, HO!"
--Oh, it's another song produced by DJ Mustard. Crap, now I have to listen to the same shit he's made in his songs since his beginnings in his songs. The same quiet piano hits, the same snapping or clapping appearing in three-quarters of the chorus, and of course, the repeated chants of unknown people shouting "Hey Hey Hey Hey!" in the background. But hey, he has the cash from all this! "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" is probably his mentality. So let's take a listen shall we?

"'Rhythm Is A Dancer'/I need a companion/ Girl, I guess it must be you"
--Sure, pick up a chick you guess is perfect for a night in bed, despite that she's already dating. No way this would never happen in real life, right??
"Body like a Summer/Fuck you like no other"
--Don't lie, Jeremih. Sex is as easy as putting a finger though a donut hole. No way a girl would fall for something like you being an expert at it.
"Don'cha tell 'em what we do."
--Aaaand I'm wrong.
"Don't Tell 'Em" (repeat 25+ times)

You know, every time he says something in his songs, it leads me to believe he's saying something else. Like the first line.
"Girl, wat it do wit it(?)/
And u kno' how'da to wit it(?)"
I'm kidding, but seriously...
here's the real lyrics, if you actually care.
"Girl wat it do wit it/Don't tell em how you hit the ground wit' it"
--How you hit the ground with it? What did she do, get angry from how lacking your performance was, she just had to punch the floor? Oh no, can't tell the boyfriend (or a contractor) about that!
"...Girl you kno' I'm from Chicaaago!"
--Whoop-de-fuckin'-do; you're from Chicago. So is Johnny Galecki.
Who cares?!?
"I act a fool, Bobby brown wit' it!"
--You sure are acting a fool (wit it), but don't blame Bobby Brown for that.
"Ain't nobody take me out though"
--And it's their problem because...maybe you're a B-list singer with the name that nobody pronounces right that has song no one listens to anymore and is so desperate for a date, he just goes to the sluttiest girl at the bar for nightie, and just realizes that she's taken. But again, I could be wrong.
"You got good gifts/Bring 'em down the South pole"
--Great, you ruined Christmas for me!!
"[Unintelligible] quarter miles"
--What.
"[Unintelligible] gon' work it out"
--Huh.

"Only your (shoe?) got me feeling like thiiiis/Oh why why why why why"
Yes, Jerry, a big question: How could something so useless and pathetic...be trapped into adultery because of a shoe?
"Nothin' but grabbing the (width?) of yo' hiiiips/ That's why why why why"
Oh and maybe grabbing the--uhh--size and length of her waist. Okay, this makes no fucking sense!

After the chorus again is the second verse, which is just as bad, so I just put in two lines (Both of which are questionably stupid.)

"Girl, know how ya 'Fuu Fuu' wit it"
--Fuu...Fuu? Dafuq is that?!? Some fluffy monster pet.
"An' you know I know what to do with it!"
You know what it is...and you know what to do with it? Thank God I was not raised in the 'Hood.

And now we go on to featured artist YG,
“934-8616/I gotta missed call from yo’ bitch!”
--You know, I picture what would happen if he actually said that to another guy. He probably answer with a beat-down and say “Yeah, well, you gotta missed ball from my fist.”
--”She been plottin’ on for a whole minute/She wanna suck my dick/An’ I’m cool wit it”
Okay, One: Plotting? What the hell could that mean? If you meant fucking, what didn't you say that instead? It's fits in the rhyme scheme!
And two: What man wouldn't be cool with a BJ from a girl? It's like saying you watch Agents of SHIELD and that you don't wanna get blasted from Agent May...which is, kinda sad, I guess.

You know, this song is really terrible. The lyrics make no sense, and somehow, people know them well enough to sing them, YG's lyrics condone guys stupidly telling other guys their women called them, and it's unbelievably boring. It might put you to sleep by the time the audio watermark comes in and you might forget it's a song about forcing a girl to cheat on her significant other. Which is sad because there are so may of them out ther to try to forget and won't go away. Also, Jeremiah says "Wit it" so many times, I just wanted slap myself with a hammer wit it. Oh crap, now I subconsciously typed it in! For now, I wish Jeremih and YG to go away because America was a happier and safer place to have a good relationship in until they came out of nowhere with the third respective hits of their careers.

See you next time when I might come up with something else.

Over the Garden Wall Review: Into the Unknown & The Unknown (The Final Review)

Well, everybody.
The end has finally come. Over the Garden Wall has reached its final two chapters, and even though it's sad to watch this end, it's worth it to say that all good things must come to an end, and this series was so damn good (pardon my language again). Watching this for the past five days have been worth all the hype, all the wait, and the embarrassing tweets I've sent on Twitter, all the fan-page accounts that I've followed (okay only two, but it's worth it because they follow me back too) and all the tweets that creator Patrick McHale favorited (okay, also only two, but I'm grateful he even faved just only one). So with a heavy heart, hazy eyes and painful fingers, it's time for the final review of Over the Garden Wall.

When we left off, Greg was caught in a trap by The Beast, and Wirt, with no one to blame but himself, tries to look for him, but failed, having nearly died twice befor being saved by Beatrice. And now, he must face his biggest fears: losing his little brother and The Beast. But that won't happen, yet.

First, we begin Chapter 9: "Into the Unknown"

with a flashback of Wirt in his room, painfully saddened, and begins to makes a decision, and that decision is to put on a costume, go outside, and give a mixtape to a girl named Sara, a girl he likes. It's Halloween night. He goes to a football game, when Sara is. Greg comes from a neighbor's house with candy and takes the tape and gives it to her friends, and Wirt snaps. The brothers try to find take the tape (now in her jacket), but are caught and fail. They try again and find her at a party, unsuccesfully going through her jacket again. Later, we meet her date (and Wirt's probable rival), Jason Funderberger, who turns out to be a goofy-looking dude, but she likes him. Later on, they tail Sara, Jason Funderberger and some friends to a cemetery, to no avail on the tape thing. Greg embarrasses Wirt even more, which he finds horrible. Suddenly, everyone is caught by police. Sara and her friends leave, while Wirt and Greg are cornered. They climb a tree to the top of a wall, hoping to run back and go back on their mission, and climb down on the other side. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen. Wirt goes berzerk at Greg for being in his life (along with Greg's father, whom he doesn't like; they're stepbrothers after all), ruining his life for being around, and wants nothing to him. Then a train comes; Wirt pushes Greg out of the way. And this is where things get worse. Wirt and Greg fall several feet down an embankment and into a river, knocked unconscious.
Wirt then wakes up in a cave surrounded around bluebirds. He's in the tree cove of Beatrice's family. Now that Wirt is back to heath (and eating dirt for treatment), he can now find The Beast and save Gregory.

You see, it all makes sense now. Wirt and Greg are from the 1980s, and the clothes they worn that we thought were normal 1920s garb, was just costumes they wore for Halloween, and that "Garden Wall" they climbed was just the blocking wall of a cemetery they went to with Sara and his friends. And when they jumped over it, they fall several feet behind into the river below, and that jump-started the entire series. The entire series was just Wirt's imagination. And the many things he said here, like him being in high school, him saying "Smell ya Later" to Lorna in a time when no one says this, him embarrassingly saying that he does poetry to himself and plays clarinet, and make more sense because he's a awkward, shy, introverted kid from the 80s. And everything ties together here.
Seeing Wirt in the real world before the start was very endearing and like any teenager going through problems like he has, those problems that he faced felt real and something we all can relate to. His big crush on Sara, the anger and jealousy of seeing her with another guy, and annoyance and intolerance from Greg's antics. Many teens have gone through that (including me) so I applaud the writers for making this chapter so good.

And now the final chapter of Over The Garden Wall, Chapter 10: The Unknown.

Beatrice is flying through the snow and finds footsteps, which bring her to Greg, conversing with The Beast over an item he found for the latter. The wind blows Bea away, causing her to run into Wirt, who's looking for Greg. They then begin their trek to find him.
Meanwhile, Woodsman finds some wood to burn in his lantern, and hears someone singing; it's Beast with Greg, trapped in branches. Beast then tells Woodsman that he has another soul for the light, meaning he's about to...take Greg away. Woodsman begs Beast no to do so, not knowing that the light is souls of children he kept for many years, including what could be his daughter and Greg. Shocked and horrified, Woodsman tries to save Greg .
Wirt and Bea (now with Woodsman's lantern in tow) find Greg in the empty part of the forest wrapped in wood branches. They then are face-to-face with Beast, who plans to finish off Greg when the light in the lantern goes dark. Wirt then learns that the light is Beast's soul and opens the inside, releasing the light and ends the reign and terror of The Beast, along with his life. Wirt then goes to Greg and admits the entire thing was his fault, and that he shouldn't have put the blame on his brother in the first place. Then with the lantern in tow, With goes face to face with Beast, realizing that the only thing keeping the lantern lit wasn't the souls of children, but his own. Wirt opens the lantern, and blows out the light, almost destroying the Beast. He carries Greg and they begin their way. Bea goes home to her family and Woodsman finally kills the Beast to find his daughter.
Greg is saved from his doom, Woodsman is free from The Beast's reign, an Beatrice now has the thing she needs for her and her family to be humans again, Wirt and Greg are finally (and this time, I mean finally) on their way home.
But first, Wirt comes to, grabs Greg and leaves the river, where police and their parents are looking for them. They are rushed to the hospital. This was all Wirt's imagination.
He wakes to Sara, who tells he and Greg are in the hospital. They are just fine, and Greg tell other patients what happened, including Jason Funderberger (not the guy, Greg's pet frog--no, Wirt and Greg's pet frog. Wirt then talks with Sara about the mixtape, but she interjects that she doesn't have a record player. But he says that they can play it at his house. But first, they'll have to get through other mixtapes he made, and then, go all the way to the top, and then they can--oh man! Now I'm typing like Wirt's talking. I guess that's how I write these reviews, I guess.

And in the end,
-Woodman reunites with his daughter,
-Lorna is still enjoying life with Auntie Whistles,
-Quincy Endicott and Fred the horse (now his tea packing horse) being the best of friends
-Beatrice and her family are humans once more,
Wirt and Greg are back home,
Wirt gets the girl, and Greg has a new pet.

You know, expected a big final face-off between Wirt, Greg, Beatrice and The Beast. Although that didn't happen, I was very satisfied with what I had. I'm very happy everyone has a happy ending. Just like I'm happy for this series. Man, this series is good. All the twists and turn that would make your head spin, all the funny moments (80% of them coming from Greg of course), all the shocking twists and the amazing places we've seen, this series has it all.

Final time for Random Thoughts
--Jason Funderburger is such a Fogell from Superbad.
--That rad 80's music from this chapter was so cool beans. I wish that was really a part of the soundtrack.
--HOLY SHIT, THAT FALL.
--I really like Beatrice family. They're so tight-knit and friendly; you wouldn't notice any bad things.. I understand why Beatrice had that self-exile now.
--I'd be lying if I'd say I wasn't like Wirt as a teenager.
--Even in the real world, Greg is boss
--I'be lying if I didn't say I'd cry like hell if Greg died under the Beast's power.
--Sara is a really hot gitl...She is lucky to have Wirt,

--Thank you, Patrick McHale for such a magnificent series. I applaud you, the producers who put this together, the writer for putting together uch a story, the animators for making such beautiful scenery, and the actors for putting so much work and effort into their characters and making them look so complex and believable. I've never seen an animated mini-series before (but I'm sure this won't be the last), and I've never seen one as put-together as this before. I can't think of how much I love this series now.

Well, thank you all for joining me for this 5-day engagement in to the annal of my mind for such a beautful series. I'm so grateful for the love and pageviews I've received and that you've put up with my terrible reviewing skills. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
So, I'll see you next time for the other crap I'm doing.
Goodnight!