Hi, MTV. I’m Andrew for Maroon Mondays.
You may have read my review of the Video Music Awards last year, snarking about how terrible it was and how dull and dimly-lit it was. Here’s what I said:
Next year, MTV, do better. Get a host. Make it brighter. And stop making those trashy moments; they now seem forced and sad. The BET Awards are kicking your ass, and they are more entertaining. And yet I thought they were the bad one.
Mr. MTV, I’m so sorry. You kind did get better. I was angry at the Miley fiasco, how (intentionally) strange it was, and how questionably tiny her ass was. Because of that it, spread to the entire show. I thought the rest was really good. I honestly enjoyed it. All the other performances were awesome and the winners (some of them, anyway) were well-chosen ones indeed. So, please forgive me.
Anywho...
Hey, everyone. Andrew here welcoming you to my review of the 2014 MTV Video Music Awards. And of course this show is known (and very-well remembered) for its shocking and controversial moments, one of them happened last year during Miley Cyrus’ performance. And boy, do I remember it very well. pink teddy bears, Chuck E. Cheese swimsuit/costume, foam finger (*shudder*), Robin Thicke coming out and then she twerked on his meat (I think he felt anything when she was all over him, if you know what I mean.)
If you want to know what was all about, here it is:
This years’ show took place at the Forum (remembered previously as The Great Western Forum; seen Space Jam? Yeah.) in Inglewood, CA, continuing MTV’s trek of putting the VMAs in places that aren’t New York City, LA, or Vegas (although they went to Miami once). Probably they might go to Chicago, Charlotte or even Galveston, TX in a few years. As with last year, there was no host. I can understand this given how huge and lavish the sets are and how amazing the graphics look every year (you readin’ this, BET?), but it’s odd how they don’t spend some money on a host. Hell, I could be the host and do it for FREE if they asked me. Oh well.
Okay, enough with the technical crap, let’s get with the review.
We begin with catastrophic star Ariana Grande performing what can be her next hit of many, “
Break Free”. Her voice sounds deeper and breathier than her last performances. And a little scratched. Outside of her great voice, her stage presence was wooden and robotic; all she did was stand and walk. No emotion in that And another thing, I thought this song was about love and stuff, like that song with a similar name from
High School Musical. Nope, it one of the many pop songs with the beat of electronic music (God, these things annoy the fuck outta me, like outsourcing music from to DJs with turntables and computers). Anyway, the performance was mixed; voice was great but everything else was dull.
--
Straight after that, Nicki Minaj (and her co-star, her colossal ass) perform "
Anaconda". I song I
HATE...with a passion. The song’s about the desire a man has of having some chick’s fat ass on his dick. It’s obnoxious, forced and all-the-way annoying. She was lip-synching, and I didn’t have time for the strip sequence. Although, this was more--umm--exciting than Ari’s performance.
--
Straight after THAT, Jessie J slayed it with her single “
Bang Bang”. This third of the set was the hands-down best of them all. Just her standing there with her voice can beat Ari and Nicki clean. And her legs (DAY-Yum). This part was the Best Performance by a female so far.
Taylor Swift took the stage and shook some of herself off on it, performing the song that’s not going to NOT reach the Top 40, “
Shake It Off”. It’s a really good song with a very good beat. And even though it’s about how pissy she is about some boy who messed her up (and there IS the subtext about this too.), this song is one I actually like from the jump. Her dancing skills was... One part of the performance was really funny. During the bridge, Taylor was on top of this setup of 1989 (the name of her latest album), signaling to us she was going to jump from it and into the arms of her male dancers. She then thought “Fuck this!” and decided against it, saying and went downstairs to continue the performance. This was one of my favorites of the night.
Next up, Sam Smith sings the song that made him a star overnight, and a superstar at the end of the year, “
Stay with Me”. his voice is perfect in every way. And when he sings it live, it’s a different kind of perfect. This one for me was the Best Performance by a Male of the night. I don’t care if the dude has to move around and dance, he must have a voice to back that up. And Sam has the voice that overpowers everything else. He deserves to be a star, and I’m glad to watch his star rise.
Usher performed “
She Needs to Give it to You” with Nicki Minaj. Everyone was wearing white like they were in a Got Milk? commercial. I don't know the song, but Usher sung it very good. Then Nicki Minaj came out looking like she sheared Lamb Chop’s family for that fur she wore. She was--well, I really could care less about Nicki, but that fur stuck out to me. This performance was Meh, along with the song. The beat is really good, the whole “I’m gonna give it to you” is getting really old. I mean, saying “give it to me” is like yelling at someone to give you a cookie, not your desire to cum.
Later on, that band I still barely know existed, 5 Seconds of Summer sang “
Amnesia”. It was a good performance, but, to be honest (and I don’t wanna sound mean), I don’t care for or about them. They’re good musicians, but I’m not a fan of them. And all I can say is these guys should be grateful to MTV for putting them in a stage of this caliber because there will be a time when they wouldn’t be popular and famous and that they’ll be just an obscure thing in music. Remember Young the Giant? Yeah.
Iggy Azalea performed her song “
Black Widow” with featured artist Rita Ora. Both ladies brought the sex appeal to this one. both looking sexy in black skin-tight body. This one, though was kinda dull, despite the "spider and its web" concept.
Next, Maroon 5 performed “
Maps” from a concert stage outside the Forum. And MTV made it look like a damn concert, too. The song is really good, and the beat is the same. Although I’m not much of a fan of Adam Levine’s voice, he does make the song sound good this time. I really enjoyed this one.
Finally (the woman BET only got on tape, but MTV got in the flesh), Beyoncé. She performed a medley of her songs from her surprise Self-Titled album. AND. SHE. SLAUGHTERED. IT. I MEAN COME ON. Who thought she
WOULDN’T?! She sang every song live (and not lip-synched), looked smoking-hot sexy doing it, and each song somehow got more visually better than the last. The dancers were great, the backgrounds were awesome and fit the songs perfectly and her vocals were just...***Flawless. Plus, during shots of medley, her and Jay-Z’s daughter Blue Ivy is seen dancing to Mommy’s songs and cuteness was on overload. And then when the medley ended, the whole stadium was on their feet (cheering her), and Jay came to his superstar wife, their offspring in hand. And I just cried. It was just...MTV saved her for last and made a smart move doing it.
Even though no one else cares about it, the camera angles and production work really work in every performance. The people who produced the show (Den of Thieves) really knew what they were doing in those departments. So I’m one of the every few people of the internet to say this: Den of Thieves, you are a bunch of geniuses. Your production of the VMAs make it more visually amazing and beautiful to look at. Thanks for taking the VMAs to new heights.
And now some
Random Thoughts from the show:
--That moment when Nicki Minaj held her dress tight during “
Bang Bang”. Some people thought it was a “Wardrobe Malfunction”, but my sister (who was watching we me at the time) thought it was because of the quick timing because of the medley format, which makes much more sense. Ari had plenty of time to change, while Nicki had only two verses and a cut-up version of the chorus to wear the dress and change the fact that she used to wear something that highlighted her ass.
--Sam Smith is a star, needs to be a star, and will be a superstar when his next record comes out. Oh, and he needs to work with Adele SOON. because if I need to have my heart skip a few beats, this would be the perfect reason. These two artists changed music for the better, and this record they could make can blow all of music for the better.
By the way, during his performance, there were many cutaways to Kim Kardashian and Kendall & Kylie Jenner; more than what I ever really wanted (
NONE). And don’t get me started about them texting during the heartfelt tribute to Michael Brown. Speaking of that…
--It was very nice of MTV to shed a few minutes for the tribute of the slain Ferguson, MO teenager, and having Common be the voice of the tribute was a great touch. He kept it short, sweet and classy.
--Honestly, in hindsight, having Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels present an award on the show was a BAAAADD move. Jim acted like he was in character as every other character he played in his films, while Jeff tried hard to toe the line between sane and strange. So, in short, it was weird.
--I thought Nicki Minaj’s
Anaconda performance was gonna put the censor on lock, but it was actually surprisingly tame, even for her. Not even her ass could make it really raunchy. I still don’t like it though; it’s still dull.
--I thought it was sweet during the moment when Miley Cyrus let an unknown guy accept the Video of the Year award for her. The message he gave was heartbreaking and then heartwarming. It made me want to help out for this cause he mentioned.
--Beyonce trended on Twitter overnight. And she deserved it. She later got out-trended by some guy named Frank Grimes.
--And finally, some good winners were chosen this year, although I thought better videos and musicians should’ve won.
Nevertheless, I liked this show, although I felt it was kinda dull, something I felt surprised by because it's the VMAs. Dull isn't its middle name. But it's survived by those strange and controversial moments, very few of which we got this year, probably even just one (if you count those vignettes with Jay Pharoah in them). Anyway, I really wouldn't mind if MTV made the VMAs much more upbeat and livelier next year; I want to feel happy when we're not watching a performer singing. I felt like I was about to die (you know, Beyonce killed me on the inside). If I can't do that, then I don't know why I should still watch the VMAs. I barely recognize names, it feels dull and dreary (Like Lorde's persona; unless she says "Thank you so much" in her beautiful New Zealand accent.) and it's the only thing I still watch on MTV anymore. Oh well.
Thank you guys for joining me for this review and join me...the next time an awards shoe comes up. But not the Emmys, because I'm winded. I Bark Fun--I mean, Bye-Bye!!
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