MTV Video Music Awards 2013: My Review

(UPDATED on May 30, 2014. Pictures re-uploaded after accidental deletion.)

Hi everybody. Welcome to MaroonMondays Cable Awards Reviews; where I watch the expensively cheap, trashy, over-the-top and shocking-because-they-planed-it awards shows and review in the way I can for your enjoyment.

This time, I'm tackling the MTV Video Music Awards, the undisputed king of trashy, shocking, near-over-the-top, OMG-I-can't-believe-this-happened-live moments. This year the VMAs took place from the BK. That's right, Brooklyn, New York at the newly-built and almost nearly graffiti-covered Barclays Center, with host...well, no host this year. But it didn't really matter. It was always about the performances and shocking moments. Always.

Some changes happened in the day leading up to the day of the nominations. One change was a huge makeover of the iconic Moonman award. It went from being the earliest representation of Music Television...to this.

This creation was by world-famous artist (and Brooklyn native) KATS (who?) known for the cat with the skull-and-crossbones face with Xs for eyes. Companion. You know? You don't? Oh, me neither.

Also, the nominations were revealed on the network's Instagram and Vine pages. At first, I thought it was a bad idea because people with brains won't wake up in the morning to see six-15 second videos about nominations. It still is, but the concept and execution is awesome.
Now the show has come once again, with everyone looking forward to who wearing what (or who), what performance will shock and amaze (or just shock), and who is going to put MTV's censors on a handstand.

Lady Gaga opened the show with her latest hit "Applause". And if you know who she is, you're bound for something you'd never ever expect from her to perform.
Remember blood-tits?
Or Jo?
(Who, by the way, would look like the prettiest man-dyke I've ever seen.)
That's what she's about, as was seen here with "Applause". It started with Ms. Gaga welcoming us to the show, which looks like she was already in a weird costume. Fortunately she tricked us as the camera pulls out to reveal she's actually in a white nun's habit. As the song begins, she takes the habit off and dresses up in a outfit fit for Broadway (and yes, she looks amazing in that) and makes 3 more outfit changes.

As it turns out, this is one of the most subdued Lady Gaga performances I've even seen (and that's saying a lot.) I've seen many Lady Gaga performances, and they are worth nightmares. This one, not so much, thank God. After a change into a wig and suit outfit, she then dashes through her dancers to wear this.

Yep the same thing she wore the music video.

And she looked ass-tastic.
I will admit, I wasn't all that surprised for this performance, but I was surprised when she pulled C-shells out (if you know what I mean). Stay classy, Stefani. Stay classy.

Miley Cyrus.
Yeah.
She sang "We Can't Stop". If you read the Short/Long Music Review on this song and its video, you know she'll pull off something Disney Channel wouldn't (they stick to radar-breaking writing). So she comes out of a giant robotic teddy bear, wearing something she stole from the trash can at Chuck E. Cheese's (just kidding; you look hot. Stay classy, Destiny.) and dances with a bunch of human pink ones. If that wasn't enough, she moves like she's drunk, feels tired, like she wants to make Walt Disney spin in his cryogenic grave, and just couldn't resist a little twerking. She then puts her face in a plus-sized dancer's ass and then smacks it. (Right now, I admit, I thinks it's hot to see a woman smack another woman's ass. Yes, I'm a filthy animal; It happens. Sue me.) And if that wasn't enough, she pulls off her outfit to reveal a flesh-colored bikini while Robin "Beetlejuice" Thicke walks in.

She looks nice in that. No, she doesn't. He would duet with Miley by singing his monster hit "Blurred Lines". She should not ever sing "Blurred Lines". EVER. She then grinds him.

(I wonder how Paula felt) I wish I were him. Then 2 Chainz and Kendrick Lamar come out. I'd rather have Miley grinding Robin. Seriously, I don't mind Kendrick, but hearing something come out of 2 Chainz's mouth would be equivalent to putting a gun in mine. You can understand why. We mash that up with see Miley having fun with a foam finger 9 times. Stop, Miley. Actually, don't. It's turning me on a bit. (Sorry. Filthy animal kicking in.)
And those reactions...

...priceless.

Kanye West did "Blood on the Leaves" from a screenshot of a forest. Really. Although it may seem boring (as I always say), I actually enjoyed it. Who knew that Kanye West rapping in front of a picture in silhouette would be so enticing? Anyway, this was the first time I heard this song, so...I like it and I'm going to hear it again sometime.

Justin Timberlake was awarded the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award, which acknowledges artists who made big innovations to the Music Video form. Other artists who received the honor include Janet Jackson, The Beatles, George Michael, Madonna, Beastie Boys and last years recipient Britney Spears. He first sang his latest single "Take Back the Night". Great song, nice beat, and awesome message to get your ass on the dance floor and make the night yours. He then preformed his biggest hits like "SexyBack", "Cry Me a River", and "Senorita".
And then...he brought...them.

That's right. *NSYNC. Reunited.
But first, the backstory.
There was a huge rumor swirling that Justin would also reunite with the members of his old boy band *NSYNC. But unfortunately that was shot down days later (even though they all wanted to). I really wanted this to happen, given I was previously a fan of the band, and that I thought that was a planned lie like on the finale of The Office, when Michael Scott returned.

This even had me changing the profile pic of my personal Twitter page to pictures of Chip Skylark.


You know, from Fairly OddParents? He was voiced by another former member, Chip Kirkpatrick. He was really cool character.
Anyway, the lie happened and the rumors were true. The band is back together again. So they performed their biggest hits "Bye Bye Bye" and "Girlfriend"...and then left. Yes, it was short, and I wanted more, but it was satisfying nonetheless.
Welcome back, *NSYNC. Welcome back.
Straight after, Justin ended the set with his current solo hits "Suit and Tie" and "Mirrors". It was an absolutely amazing medley to an absolutely amazing man. Keep staying classy, JT.

Kevin Hart later made fun of them for being fat. He does have a point. He then made a creepy compliment to Lady Gaga about her ass. Who wouldn't? Stay classy, Chocolate Drop.

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis took the stage to preform that will probably take the nation by storm and put sexual segregation to rest, "Same Love". Such a powerful song, full of truth and sadness in which our country is stuck in a time where not only acceptance in skin color wasn't allowed, but acceptance in sexuality and marriage equality wasn't allowed either, and still isn't. I hope this song changes that. Later on the duo and featured artist Mary Lambert (who is smoking hot; I don't care what her size is) brought out another smoking hot woman, Jennifer Hudson, to sing the rest of the chorus. Later the two girls got into a singing smack-down. This performance really almost had me in tears. Well, not the smack-down.


Drake sang.
Seriously, he sang to his latest single "Hold On, We're Going Home". Well...the beat is great. I could dance to that without the singing. Then October's Very Own (I don't know how a month could have it's own person. If so, then I'm March's Very Own. Yeah, why not?) performed "Started from the Bottom", the ultimate song about being raised in the 'hood and living with mom and dad, dreaming of becoming a football player, and ending up being a low-class rapper with money, liquor and bitches at your feet in the process. He moved around the stage. That's it. I liked the Energy? I don't know what to say; The album cover is whack.


Bruno Mars sang "Gorilla", a song about doing it like a primate. Primal screams throughout. I was scared. Stay classy, Peter.

Katy Perry had the daunting task of closing the show, something almost everyone hope will end with a bang. She sang "Roar", something I also did a Short/Long Music Review on. She was at the Brooklyn Bridge--oh sorry--near the Brooklyn Bridge at a fake boxing ring, pretending to be a boxer. I understand the concept of the set, because the song is about fighting a bad relationship and coming out strong, but the performance was boring and dry. I like the tempo the set had and the lion props decked around the ring, but I stop at that. No bang. A sizzle, maybe, but no bang.

Next year, MTV, do better. Get a host. Make it brighter. And stop making those trashy moments; they now seem forced and sad. The BET Awards are kicking your ass, and they are more entertaining. And yet I thought they were the bad one. But there is one plus: the set. It looked awesome.

Anyway, MTV, clean up your act. Same for you, Miley. Just...stop.

And now to the secondary part of the VMAs, the part no one has cared about since 1985 and came back into interest since 2005, since it stopped being unwittingly and (amazingly) awesome. The winners of the coveted Moonman award.

WINNERS:
Video of the Year - Justin Timberlake — "Mirrors"
Best Male Video - Bruno Mars — "Locked Out of Heaven"
Best Female Video - Taylor Swift — "I Knew You Were Trouble"
Artist to Watch - Austin Mahone (who?) — "What About Love"
Best Pop Video - Selena Gomez — "Come & Get It"
Best Rock Video - 30 Seconds to Mars — "Up in the Air"
Best Hip-Hop Video - Macklemore and Ryan Lewis (featuring Ray Dalton) — "Can't Hold Us"
Best Collaboration - Pink (featuring Nate Ruess) — "Just Give Me a Reason"
Best Direction - Justin Timberlake (featuring Jay-Z) — "Suit & Tie" (Director: David Fincher)
Best Visual Effects - Capital Cities — "Safe and Sound" (Visual Effects: Grady Hall, Jonathan Wu and Derek Johnson)
Best Art Direction - Janelle Monáe (featuring Erykah Badu) — "Q.U.E.E.N." (Art Director: Veronica Logsdon)
Best Editing - Justin Timberlake — "Mirrors" (Editors: Jarrett Fijal and Bonch LA)
Best Cinematography - Macklemore and Ryan Lewis (featuring Ray Dalton) — "Can't Hold Us" (Directors of Photography: Jason Koenig, Ryan Lewis and Mego Lin)
Best Video with a Social Message - Macklemore and Ryan Lewis (featuring Mary Lambert) — "Same Love"
Best Song of the Summer - One Direction — "Best Song Ever"
Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award - Justin Timberlake

Thank you for joining me for this edition of MaroonMondays Cable Awards Reviews. I'm Andrew saying "I bark funny."

Sorry I wanted to end it in happy, upbeat fashion after the...degrading...mess. Anyway, bye!