(No seriously, my arms are tired from all this typing. It is really sore.)
The song I'm reviewing is a literal surprise and the definition of "pandering".
The first time I heard this song was sometime back in March; I overheard the song playing by someone in my family, and thought of it as just another C- or D-list Hip-Hop song by some C- or D-list Hip-Hop artist trying to make it big like all the others. It featured the same old shit and his vocals were fucking irritating. I couldn't imagine myself hearing it again for the rest of my life and that this guy won't have much of a career in the mainstream (He probably would make it as a one-hit wonder in the underground). So imagine my surprise when a month later, when it hit the Billboard Hip-Hop and Hot 100 charts, and actually rose up the latter like crazy. Not only being a red-hot hit on the Hip-Hop charts (as expected), but also making it big on the MAIN chart, by reaching #2. NUMBER. TWO!! So I was flabbergasted as hell that a basic-ass song about cooking and selling drugs with a woman looking like a glorified mule would ever make the Hot 100 like it did at all, let alone reach the Top 5! I--I was speechless.
So it's my time to talk about this painful, worthless excuse of a success story by the Slick Rick (probably not, as he chooses not to cover his eye, which he sadly lost to Glaucoma during his childhood) of the 2010s, "Trap Queen" by Fetty Wap.
(You know you've got a problem when the #3 song in America is named after some down-ass chick)
"I said hey, what's up, hellooo"
Hello.
"Seen yo' pretty ass soon as you came in the do'/
I just wanna chill, got a sack for us to roooll"
Dude. You just met her. You don't know if she smokes yet. For all we know, she could've been a drinker, she could've been a fan of Game of Thrones, she definitely wanted to date you for the sex. I'm sure she wouldn't have found the one eye thing sexy without the occasional jump on the D.
"Married to the money, introduced her to my stove
Showed her how to whip it, now she remixin' for low"
I'm sorry--are you two making crack or pancakes??
"We just set a goal, talkin' matchin' Lambooos/
Got 56 a gram, prob' a 100 grams thooough"
--Of what, Excedrin?
"Man, I swear I love her how she work the damn pooole/
Hit the strip club, we be letting bands go"
If you love how she strips and swings, and the fact that she's your girl, what point is there in going to a strip club? That's a waste of money! And time away from the "stove"
"Everybody hating, we just call them fans thooough/
In love with the money, I ain't never letting go"
Why would everyone hate you two, if you're their pusher man? Oh--because you're with a woman they see themselves with. I guess that wouldn't be good for your pot sales, now would it?
"And I get high with my baby (baby)
I just left the mall, I'm getting fly with my baby, yeEEAAah
And I can ride with my baby (baby)
I be in the kitchen cooking pies with my baby, yeEEAAah"
Pies? I thought they were cooking drugs. So, it's some lyrical Red Herring or some shit? Because usually when a rappers raps abut being a drug maker, the last thing you would hear them making is baked goods.
"I hit the strip with my trap queen, 'cause all we know is bands/
I just might snatch up a 'Rari, and buy my boo a 'Lamb"
You mean this lamb?
Or this lamb?
No--this lamb?
Oh. Lamborghini. I'm so intentionally stupid.
"Bitch you up in the bando, without deniro can't go/
Remi boys got extendo, count up hella bands tho"
And I just lost several IQ points trying to figure out what the hell all of this means.
"I be smoking dope and you know Backwoods what I roooll"
--Because...amnesia.
"Remy Boy, Fetty eating shit up that's fashoo"
--But not literal shit. As for as I know.
"I run into yo' house/And then fuck yo' ho"
--Just one line. You couldn't go the entire song without mentioning Just. One. Line. About fucking another guy's girlfriend. Yeah, because that's all chicks within easy reach of you are--Hoes. Didn't you say you love your drug mule--I mean, down bitch--I mean, Trap Queen? Oh I see, she's not a romantic partner, just some chick you use to help curb the sales. Uhh, you're not Walter White and she's not Jesse Pinkman. This shit is not romantic at all.
"'Cause Remy Boyz are nuttin', Re-Re-Remy Boyz are nuttin'"
Got that right.
Well, despite the horrible lyrics and irritating voice that should make adults cry (and I should mention that he's rap-singing instead of rapping in this song, because he's trying to be different from other rappers. Except that it's happened before with other rappers.)...this actually isn't a song I wouldn't mind listening to.
Yeah, his voice isn't horrible, but it is endearingly annoying. The verses are unintelligible trash, but they are also kinda catchy--you could say disgustingly catchy. That is...if you can read through these lyrics and know what he's talking about. And the beat is--well--it's better than a beat by DJ Mustard or Mike WiLL Made It, so that helps. And the music video is--well...
The music video looks like the ones you would typically see on YouTube directed by a C-list director that was paid by the rapper to make, and has everything you'd normally see in one:
-bland, stilted angles with a crowd of people behind the rapper backing him up while trying to get their faces shown on camera
-slow-motion shots of a sexy girl on the rapper's lap
-expensive, international cars you have to wonder how they could get on impulse
-random shots of bands of money and/or guns
-a small ghetto-like part of a town with black people doing usual things black people do on a normal day (standing on the curb, braiding hair, smoking, ect.)
-shots of random guys flexing and showing off alcohol or guns
-and children appearing for some reason (I guess the producers don't mind letting children into a video shoot listening to a song about making dope and sleeping with another guy's girl over and over)
-and to cap it all off, the logo of whatever production company made the video, along with their website and social media pages on full display at the end
-oh, and whoever these guys are at the end.
I don't know why they're there (and I don't think anyone else does either), and I don't think putting them in the video would make any significance to it or difference from the rest of it.So basically, this clip has everything down pat, and is on its way to viral success. Sadly.
And he did have prophetic prediction that this song would be a hit, and he was right. From reading the article on Wikipedia, he said this song would be one that would be a hit on the charts. (The article also said it was "giddy" and "affectionate". I laughed like hell from that.)
Surprisingly, it wasn't just the Hip-Hop charts. As of posting this, this song is currently #3 on the Billboard Hot 100 (and peaked at #2!), and is #2 on the Hip-Hop and Rap charts. This is a huge hit for some nobody/underground artist that no one expected to be a hot commodity. Sadly, after Bobby Shmurda happened, it can happen. It shows that anything these days can get popular and have staying power, no matter how basic or terrible it can be. Congratulations, Mr. Fettuccini Guap. You now have a hit song on the radio, and I actually admit to finding it in my head in a good way. We'll see how your career goes from there in a couple weeks. And judging from the look of the video, I'd say...not very long.
Thank you for joining me for the last Short/Long Song Review of Maroon May 2015. I'm glad to have spent my time doing this segment more than once, and with these now released, I can sleep now, and not have my family look at and talk to me like a beatnik.
I'll see you next year for Maroon May 2016, and I'll see you later for another Short/Long Song Review.
Until then...
I wish I had a lamb costume...
D-Did I just reveal that??
