Ladies and gentlemen...it's happened. It's really happened.
The man who made the American talent competition show a phenomenon has returned to one.
His judging style is straight up bite with a metric ton of snark, cruelty and criticism so constructive it feels less like your learning from your mistakes and more like he just dissed you in a good way just to get you off the stage.. So of course he's beloved for that, and I wouldn't say otherwise in any other way. Basically, any talent show he's on makes him the star. And the promotion department of the network airing the show will prove it.
After admitting that America wouldn't like or accept The X Factor on their collective screens (especially after the Rachel Crow incident in the first season), Simon Cowell has made his return to a talent competition show and it's judging panel, becoming the latest judge in a revolving door of personalities, joining Melanie Brown (aka Mel B), Heidi Klum and Howie Mandel, still making the panel the most ironically not-domestic judging panel of all the format's shows.
(It's really hilarious when Nick Cannon's own Wild N Out has more Americans in its cast than this show does.)
But anyway, it's time for this self-admitted finicky asshole to stop talking dick about the stuff behind-the-scenes, and get to what matters: this self-admitted finicky asshole to talk dick about the stuff in front of the cameras. That's right, folks...I'm baa-aaack!!
This is my Review of Season 11 of America's Got Talent!
I'm gonna skip several more words and get to the chase: This was the best season opener I've ever watched. No joke; no trick. I loved everything about what I saw.. All the acts I've seen were spectacular in their own ways. Their talents in their fields were something else. My jaw dropped from almost every one I've seen, and I've more or less enjoyed it. Almost every feeling that can be emitted from your mind and body came from me during these two hours than anything else this year or last.
First up, Nathan Bockstahler from Carlsbad, CA. His dream is to become a comedian as an adult. He sure has big dreams for a 6-year-old.
This little guy was supremely adorable, and really funny for a toddler. He nailed his bit, and he wasn't nervous one...bit. (heh heh) His confidence on stage is quite impressive. His wish from winning the prize money is also adorable; he wants a million LEGOs. I'd give him some LEGOs right now just for being this cool! I swear this kid is gonna go far in his life. If not from this show, he's gonna be the most sweet and charming little player the South has ever seen soon after.
He's not going to go to the finals of course; It's rare for a child his age range to actually make it there. But if he is the first, I'll be shocked as hell.
But he's funny and charming, so we'll see.
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Next is 58-year-old Jose Fuentes and his dog Carrie. Their act is dancing together. and doggone it, it was just adorable!
Okay, I agreed with Heidi when she buzzed them. Although I enjoyed their act here, I also didn't think they would last long in the competition. After a few times, it stale fast. And if they don't strengthen soon, it's the Dog Pound for them. Dog Pound meaning Elimination, of course.
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On the other hand, these guys already won the competition so far. They blew my mind, the judges' minds, the Audience's minds and your minds. And their act is all about reading minds. They are clairvoyants Thommy and Amelie.
Everything about this is...spellbinding.
Amelie was the star of the show. She not only knew what items Heidi's lipstick, an audience member's iPhone (AT&T!!) and Howie's eye drops had in their hands, but what numbers/info were printed on them. My jaw dropped to the floor. I was speechless. And she was on her swing without a care in the world having the time of her life. Thommy was a great partner, and their work together is as amazing as the act itself.
These clairvoyants really knocked their audition out of the park and I know they are gonna kill the competition. Forget the Judge Cuts, or even the Live Shows. These two are going to make it to the finals. Mark my words.
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Linkin Bridge. Wow.
Four burly, tough guys from Kentucky really exceeded my expectations.
First, I already knew that they were going to sing; there's no chance they'd appear on this show and perform something other than singing. But it was what they did sing a Capella that caught me by major surprise. It was one of the icons of original songs in cinema, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from The Wizard of Oz.
I mean WOW. Such amazing voices. The harmonies together are Smooth. As. Silk.
Simon made a good point where -- was a little flat at the start of the song, but picked up well with his fellas when they performed together.
I would never think they'd perform this iconic song (then again I wouldn't know what they'd sing at all), but I'm glad they did because they were stupendous.
I know I'll see them again in the Judge Cuts killing it again. And I'll be jammin' along.
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Speaking of spellbinding and stupendous, Hiroki Hara.
He is one of those acts who perfectly mix magic or physical movements and animation projected into large screens, like Kenichi Ebina and SIRO-A. Unlike them, he's more magic. But just like them, he was awesome!
His act was just mind-blowing. He mixed the graphics of pigeons and real physical magic with a real pigeon so effortlessly, it's like he knew the laws of physics just to bend it a little for the performance. The graphics were top-notch, the magic wad magnificent and the combination just leaves you speechless and a little breathless.
This guy is from a small village in Japan. And he'll definitely go from that to big places ahead. He's going to the Live Shows too. I just know it.
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Tape. Face. Boy. Holy. Shit.
Of course we all know nothing about him. His name, where he's from, what he does for a living. (If he has a family...) But from the moment he appeared on screen, and even more on stage, I feel in love with him.
His act is super practical, so much so that anyone can do it. But the way he does it is nothing short of comedy genius. First after a while of standing there--weird-ing everyone out with his presence, he got to work with his bag of gags and left everyone in stitches. From miming "Endless Love" with oven mitts to a fake make-out session with himself partially covered by a robe, this dude left me (and everyone else) clamoring for more.
Tape Face Boy is going to be the Piff the Magic Dragon of Season 11; one of the most memorable acts this season and almost definitely any season.
He will reach the Live Shows--if not finals, I'm sure.
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And finally, a girl who said she was nervous before she performed, but I call bluff. She's just 13 years old, but has the pipes of opera royalty.
She is Laura Bretan.
And she is also the first Golden Buzzer winner of the season (thank you, Mel B!). And she deserves it. Her talent and voice are second to none; a prodigy, if you will. She hit all the right notes perfectly well. And when she reached the highest note, I was ready to faint. There is no way she was nervous and then gave a performance possibly worth of Carnegie Hall. I couldn't believe and yet she did it with style, grace and lots of adorable-ness.
Worthy of the Live Shows she is. Laura, you were fantastic and you deserve the Gold..en Buzzer that is.
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And now, thoughts on other acts that appeared in the first week of Auditions. They suck, but still left a big impression...that they suck nicely.
The Spice Gurlz - Wow. hey look so familiar.
Also, their stage presence was entertaining; but I'm sure an appearance on RuPaul's Drag Race will e a much better experience for them.
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Charlie and Rose - Yeah they went through, but their act is still not that great. Heidi was right in that they aren't. I still enjoyed it for the lolz though.
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Hook - Yes, he was better than the rest of the lot, but his act is something I really wouldn't want to see more than once. Seeing a hook through his nose, and out of his mouth? *gag reflex activated* And yet, somehow, I really couldn't get enough of it.
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Mr. Splat - This loon seriously believed that his act of jumping into a pool filled with shaving cream (?) and rubber balls (?) will help him go all the way. (LOOO-SERRR.)
At least his swan dive was good. I had a better time watching Heidi and Nick jumping in and smothering the other judges with the white cream. Good fun, there.
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And now a little chat about newest judge Simon Cowell.
He was great. It's like he never left (well, yeah, of course he never left; he still has Britain's Got Talent and The X Factor in the UK). But still, he was a great judge and fits really nicely with the returning panel. Even if the returning panel isn't so nice with him at times. I know he's "the mean judge" but you weren't on stage.
Okay, maybe he does deserve some of it.
But I think he did awesome. His critiques are still on point, his honesty is still in the right place, he legitimately like/enjoyed a lot more acts than I thought, he does his job well and he's still beloved for it.
I don't know why he was negatively received before for his appointment as judge. Was it because he's a dick before? And he'll be a dick to children? He was a dick on American Idol so he'll be the same here, like it or not. And he's the most qualified and memorable on the panel anyway; he knows what he's doing and does it effortlessly.
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And with that, ends the first episode of what would be a very entertaining season. I loved every second of it. All the acts were fantastic in their own ways, the judges were great and fair in their critiques and reactions, and Nick was great as host/hype-man/occasional prop for acts. I really thought this was the best season premiere ever! But can you blame me?
Well, that's for checking in, everyone!
I'm Drew, and I'll see you next week for Week 2 of Season 11 Auditions on America's Got Talent.
