This is why America is a laughingstock of the world: Most of us don't know any better. And our offspring suffer forever because of it.
At the Cincinnati Zoo, a 4-year-old boy fell into a gorilla enclosure, where 17-year-old Harambe resides. Because of this, zoo security had to kill the gorilla to ensure the boy's safety. The mother of the boy took him and became a negative sensation.
Look, I understand that the security team had no choice but to quickly jump into action and save him by killing the large ape, and that was a noble thing--I praise them for that. But still, it took a while to do so.
As for the boy: he knew no better--yes (he is four by the way), but he should've known enough not to get into the enclosure of a scary 400-pound animal that would've killed him and gobbled him up like a handful of ants in under a minute. But alas, it's not his fault either.
As for the mom: the dumb cunt got what she deserved. She knew what she got into when she left her son to his own devises at a zoo. Her blaming anything else (including the gorilla) before herself and saying "Everyone makes mistakes" is extremely abhorrent. Yet letting her baby go free for a moment was a brilliant idea.
Woman,
You knew what you got yourself into by taking your child to a public place (e.g. a zoo). You knew what would happen if you let your child go on his/her own in a public place.
And you damn well knew what the consequences would be if your child ever ended up in a dangerous place (e.g. a gorilla enclosure).
Sure, she didn't know about his disappearance until someone spotted him. Wait--that's even worse! She was supposed to keep her eyes peeled on him and nothing else. That's a guaranteed rule of parenthood: Watch over your child or else he/she gets in danger. Had she done that the whole time, none of this would've happened.
And you have the fucking gall to say that "everyone makes mistakes"?!?! Losing your keys is a mistake. Forgetting to pay the bill is a mistake. Driving the wrong direction is a mistake. Watching Fear The Walking Dead is a mistake. Got what I'm saying?? Leaving your child to his own devises in a public place is not a just a mistake.
It's a regret, it's a pain in the ass, and it's a threat to your life and well-being.
What a fucking dumbass bitch.
It really says a lot when the gorilla took better care of your son. He made sure he was okay, took him and kept him safe. He had the boy in his hands for ten minutes. If he wanted to eat him, he would've done so in one minute. Want proof? A witness told ABC News just that.
But now, and forever more, because of your negligence and stupidity, a beloved gorilla is dead, your son is traumatized for life, and you will shamed by your family, friends, neighborhood and country for the rest of ...this year.
Because I'm sure we'll forget you and move on to the next idiot doing something abhorrent under their watch.
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Tweeter in My Mouth: Azealia Banks
Okay, I’m gonna start with an obvious factoid: Azalea Banks is a vile, repulsive, egocentric piece of black trash. She has no talent as a rapper; and has no skills whatsoever as a normal, sane human being. She once even revealed to support Donald Trump in this years general election because of these reasons.
Every time she’s on Twitter, she blasts off against anyone unfortunate to cross digital paths with her; and jumps into any conversation she has no business being in to try to sell her music (and fails).
What is her music exactly? Here it is–here is her song “Ice Princess”.
(My apologies for the clip boring you out harder than a frozen trout, don’cha know.)
That song isn’t bad, but her attitude, personality and promotion to it is. Many tweets tied to it tacked on/name-dropped other celebrities in hopes of getting it very popular.
Apparently, it didn’t work.
So now, forevermore, Banks has decided to spend her life dissing, trashing, dragging and annoying other celebrities on social media…because she can. No other reason but that.
She’s launched Twit-wars with Nicki Minaj, Miley Cyrus (both after the 2015 VMAs), Iggy Azalea, Lady Gaga, T.I., Kreayshawn (it took her 7 months to apologize), A$AP Rocky and Pharrell. Here’s an article from Complex in which they jot down some of her most memorable. They’re sad and pathetic–one of them going after one of the target’s wife is the worst and most vile.
And now her next target, Zayn Malik.
The backstory: Banks was planned as a headliner of a concert festival by London-based radio station Rinse FM called “Rinse Born and Bred”. But days later she got dropped by the festival’s planners when she got into a spat with former-co-headliner Zayn over him stealing her style, as seen in this post on Instagram.
While she might have a point here, Zayn didn’t think so when he later that day tweeted these dismissive hit-backs.
Ouch.
Then, without (some) warming, Banks blasted back brutal bluebird brain-bombs. Brain-bombs that went on the side of racial. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
The only place the wheels fell off is your head!
--His mom is English and Irish, you fucking stupid cunt!
I want you dead. You’re evil.
(See last tweet response.)
--Now I wanna kill you.
This is repulsive. Just repulsive.
--(Vomiting inside.)
How Zayn just stood there and responded so calmly just baffles the fuck outta me.
If she ever said anything about my family (especially my mother), I will track her down, go Chris Brown on her vile ass and then bury her alive in the Arizona desert. She’ll be less of an "Ice Princess" and more a water puddle.
The official account then responded with this tweet effective immediately cancelling Banks’ headline appearance.
It was after this where Banks’ finally apologized. But not to Zayn of course; she still thinks he’s still on the hook for the little assumed swipe-back. The apology was to people who may have were offended by her many remarks toward Zayn.
And it goes on and on and on…
And “blackness”? Fuck off.
You know what? I feel very sorry for her sometimes. It’s like she’s just trolling for attention to try and keep herself relevant. And it may have worked. But after this shitfest, I have a feeling that she’s not joking anymore. She needs to stop and get some type of help. because now it’s beyond ridiculous and has reached sad. And I really wouldn't care anymore.
And yet, it gets even more sadder for her when she gets herself into yet another Twit-war. This one with someone not even her own age. That someone is Disney Channel star Skai Jackson, best known as starring in JESSIE and its spin-off BUNK’D.
She was sad enough to discuss the Zayn incident with this tweet smartly not throwing an @ symbol next to Banks’ name.
It didn't take long before Black Twitter's Jaws sinked her teeth into Jackson.
as to why Skai fought back after that softball, I’ll never know.
And Banks with the retort.
And heeere’s Skai with the shootout!
Banks tries one more stab…
but Skai was ready for her, and made the ultimate pounce.
and back…
and forth.
She says with the Pooh-Bear inside her.
KNOCKOUT.
And the winner! …of the Thrilla…in the Twitta! is…Zaaaaayn “The Panty Packer” Maaaalik! Skai “The Meme Queen” Jacksooon! Everyone who needed a good laugh and to feel good about themselves! And common sense!
But seriously, this habit of hers just pathetic and sad.
Picking a fight with any random celebrity or singer just to boost your barely-existing career and try to boost your planet-sized ego is like Katt Willams getting his ass kicked by a dude clearly younger than him. It’s sad, pathetic and great to watch. Every time your name pops up, it’s not because of your music (which is just basic garbage we’ve heard before), but because you throw yourself into fights with every other rapper and singer alive like a fucking 15-year-old on her first period on a monthly basis!! It’s clear you have nothing else to do with your life and yet you’re still rich and (barely) famous. How? Don’t know, don’t care.
If you want to focus on your music, focus on your music. Just stop with the Twit-fights and do so. And if you can’t do that, then you need help. You must seek professional help for you going only a month without launching yet another Twitter fight and acting like a victim of rape.
And if you ever dare go into another fight with someone else…you’ve lost your mind forever. May God not have mercy on your soul, and rot in Hell.
Fuck you, you shit-colored monkey-ass motherfucker. And bless your heart.
Every time she’s on Twitter, she blasts off against anyone unfortunate to cross digital paths with her; and jumps into any conversation she has no business being in to try to sell her music (and fails).
What is her music exactly? Here it is–here is her song “Ice Princess”.
(My apologies for the clip boring you out harder than a frozen trout, don’cha know.)
That song isn’t bad, but her attitude, personality and promotion to it is. Many tweets tied to it tacked on/name-dropped other celebrities in hopes of getting it very popular.
Apparently, it didn’t work.
So now, forevermore, Banks has decided to spend her life dissing, trashing, dragging and annoying other celebrities on social media…because she can. No other reason but that.
She’s launched Twit-wars with Nicki Minaj, Miley Cyrus (both after the 2015 VMAs), Iggy Azalea, Lady Gaga, T.I., Kreayshawn (it took her 7 months to apologize), A$AP Rocky and Pharrell. Here’s an article from Complex in which they jot down some of her most memorable. They’re sad and pathetic–one of them going after one of the target’s wife is the worst and most vile.
And now her next target, Zayn Malik.
The backstory: Banks was planned as a headliner of a concert festival by London-based radio station Rinse FM called “Rinse Born and Bred”. But days later she got dropped by the festival’s planners when she got into a spat with former-co-headliner Zayn over him stealing her style, as seen in this post on Instagram.
While she might have a point here, Zayn didn’t think so when he later that day tweeted these dismissive hit-backs.
No lies ... I see you reaching but I don't care 😆✌🏽️
— zayn (@zaynmalik) May 10, 2016
My @'s too good for you
— zayn (@zaynmalik) May 10, 2016
Ouch.
Then, without (some) warming, Banks blasted back brutal bluebird brain-bombs. Brain-bombs that went on the side of racial. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
@zaynmalik dude, I make better music than you. Simmer down with that fake white boy rebellion and that wannabe beiber swag--You can just feel that anger from her misspelling Justin’s last name.
@zaynmalik lol u a bitch nigga for even responding like that. Keep sucking this yung rapunxel dick u hairy curry scented bitch--Curry is an Indian dish, you stupid cunt.
@zaynmalik imma start calling you punjab you dirty bitch.--Now she’s gone off the deep end.
@zaynmalik you a dick rider for real for real. Ride this dick until the wheels fall off Punjab.--There are no wheels, you metaphorical and literal cunt!
The only place the wheels fell off is your head!
@zaynmalik lol u were the only paki in the group and you knew you were there for a reason.--I fucking despise you. You have no standards and self control. Rot in Hell forever.
@zaynmalik you were the the token brown boy. All those white boys in 1D disrespected you and made you their PET
@zaynmalik you were only apart of 1d to draw brown attention. You are and ALWAYS will be a TOKEN to the UK.
“I eat sand for breakfast and suck dick for dinner”https://t.co/iHaStz4SqQ--See? No wheels. Just delusion.
@zaynmalik still doesn’t change the fact that your mother is a dirty refugee who won’t be granted asylumMay 10, 2016
--His mom is English and Irish, you fucking stupid cunt!
I want you dead. You’re evil.
Lol zayn bitch ass gave my cell number out to his fans 2 hours ago. if that’s not nsome faggot shit. WHO KNOWS WHAT IS!?May 11, 2016
(See last tweet response.)
--Now I wanna kill you.
This is repulsive. Just repulsive.
-When your entire extended family has been obliterated by good ol the U.S of A will you still be trying to…. https://t.co/fNAk8XI1dgMay 11, 2016
Act like a white boy pretending to be black? https://t.co/fNAk8XI1dg
-Do you understand that you are a sand nigger who emulates white boys’ renditions of black male hood? https://t.co/fNAk8XI1dg
-Do you know how lost and culture less you are?https://t.co/fNAk8XI1dg
--(Vomiting inside.)
@AZEALIABANKS why you been saying nasty things about me ? I wasn't talking about you lol ?
— zayn (@zaynmalik) May 11, 2016
How Zayn just stood there and responded so calmly just baffles the fuck outta me.
If she ever said anything about my family (especially my mother), I will track her down, go Chris Brown on her vile ass and then bury her alive in the Arizona desert. She’ll be less of an "Ice Princess" and more a water puddle.
The official account then responded with this tweet effective immediately cancelling Banks’ headline appearance.
ANNOUNCEMENT: @RinseFM I @bornandbredLDN pic.twitter.com/AB3wnTaSru
— Rinse I Born & Bred (@bornandbredLDN) May 11, 2016
It was after this where Banks’ finally apologized. But not to Zayn of course; she still thinks he’s still on the hook for the little assumed swipe-back. The apology was to people who may have were offended by her many remarks toward Zayn.
And it goes on and on and on…
Big apologies to anyone who was offended by any of the things I said. Not sorry I said it. But sorry for the way I made people feel--Don’t drag your hometown into this. No one wants to go down with you for anything. Not even anyone the most racial NYC residents would side with you for this.
-
“Not sorry I said it.” Because yeah, while it matters who gets hurt in the crossfire, it sill doesn’t matter when the shot is fired anyway.
-
Everyone except the targets of my tirades.
-
Not using my blackness or my NYC persona to excuse anything. I am Azealia Banks and I am who I am.
And “blackness”? Fuck off.
Again, I say what I mean and I mean what I say. Not apologizing for my words WHATSOEVER, apologizing for the way people feel.--“I’m not sorry for the racial, homophobic and elitist statements I made. But I’m not for offending the people who read the racial, homophobic and elitist statements I made” Then you should’ve apologized a long time ago.
Because it’s not nice to make people feel bad. But as an individual I have the creative freedom to say whatever the fuck I want.
Remember that offense is never given, it is only taken. I apologize to everyone who TOOK offense.
You know what? I feel very sorry for her sometimes. It’s like she’s just trolling for attention to try and keep herself relevant. And it may have worked. But after this shitfest, I have a feeling that she’s not joking anymore. She needs to stop and get some type of help. because now it’s beyond ridiculous and has reached sad. And I really wouldn't care anymore.
And yet, it gets even more sadder for her when she gets herself into yet another Twit-war. This one with someone not even her own age. That someone is Disney Channel star Skai Jackson, best known as starring in JESSIE and its spin-off BUNK’D.
She was sad enough to discuss the Zayn incident with this tweet smartly not throwing an @ symbol next to Banks’ name.
Azealia Banks needs to simmer down a little😶😂
— Skai Jackson ♛ (@skaijackson) May 10, 2016
It didn't take long before Black Twitter's Jaws sinked her teeth into Jackson.
and you need to grow some hips and start ur menses. stay in a child’s place.https://t.co/log3pZsr6fMay 11, 2016
as to why Skai fought back after that softball, I’ll never know.
@AZEALIABANKS When a no hip having 14 year old has more class than you. Worry about your career. Get one. ✌🏾
— Skai Jackson ♛ (@skaijackson) May 11, 2016
And Banks with the retort.
lol ur mom’s been pimping you out to disney since you were a lil girl. lets see what you end up like at 21. bye ! https://t.co/iI1D1ppaAt
And heeere’s Skai with the shootout!
@AZEALIABANKS I had a career before Disney and I'm sure I will after! And I know I won't turn out like you bitter and miserable! Fix ur life
— Skai Jackson ♛ (@skaijackson) May 11, 2016
@AZEALIABANKS and I'm sure my mom did a wayyy better job then yours did! You give black women a bad name. I'll be praying for you🙏🏾💋
— Skai Jackson ♛ (@skaijackson) May 11, 2016
Banks tries one more stab…
Never heard of you before. Never even seen you on TV…. You aren’t a star. You aren’t a topic. You’re a Meme. https://t.co/EG7b3jNuaP
LOL is ur mom tweeting for you? Does ur mom believe in the white man’s jesus too. Awwwww. #thatscute https://t.co/QIJBjngZvN
May 11, 2016
but Skai was ready for her, and made the ultimate pounce.
@AZEALIABANKS you got dissed by a one directioner how miserable can your life be?? Now have several seats Azealia Stanks!
— Skai Jackson ♛ (@skaijackson) May 11, 2016
@AZEALIABANKS a meme with 2.3 million Instagram followers. My memes are more relevant than you😂 now that's sad. Now bye Twitter troll
— Skai Jackson ♛ (@skaijackson) May 11, 2016
--Instagram followers? LOL ur mom is prepping you to be an instagram thot. Okay. 😂 https://t.co/QYFL4QDlxg
--You need to get ur ass done and your tits done before you become a proper instagram thot girly. https://t.co/QYFL4QDlxg
--Meme’s don’t equal relevance sweetheart. McDonalds has 1.3mil instagram followers. followers do not equal importance https://t.co/QYFL4QDlxg
--You’re just another little black girl who’s going to be kicked off the disney conveyer belt. https://t.co/QYFL4QDlxg
--@skaijackson Like i said, enjoy it while it lasts.May 11, 2016
and back…
@AZEALIABANKS now that was corny ! 😂 go fix your edges before you come at me! #byenow Hide behind your weaves much?
— Skai Jackson ♛ (@skaijackson) May 11, 2016
and forth.
--LOL, ur mom is obviously tweeting for you. https://t.co/fdJZWATNyZ
--Disney will find another more talented, more interesting black girl to replace you with. Poor you. https://t.co/fdJZWATNyZ
@AZEALIABANKS this wasted conversation is helping your career ! Bye hunny 💋
— Skai Jackson ♛ (@skaijackson) May 11, 2016
She says with the Pooh-Bear inside her.
@AZEALIABANKS take your L like a champ! ✌🏾️
— Skai Jackson ♛ (@skaijackson) May 11, 2016
KNOCKOUT.
And the winner! …of the Thrilla…in the Twitta! is…Zaaaaayn “The Panty Packer” Maaaalik! Skai “The Meme Queen” Jacksooon! Everyone who needed a good laugh and to feel good about themselves! And common sense!
But seriously, this habit of hers just pathetic and sad.
Picking a fight with any random celebrity or singer just to boost your barely-existing career and try to boost your planet-sized ego is like Katt Willams getting his ass kicked by a dude clearly younger than him. It’s sad, pathetic and great to watch. Every time your name pops up, it’s not because of your music (which is just basic garbage we’ve heard before), but because you throw yourself into fights with every other rapper and singer alive like a fucking 15-year-old on her first period on a monthly basis!! It’s clear you have nothing else to do with your life and yet you’re still rich and (barely) famous. How? Don’t know, don’t care.
If you want to focus on your music, focus on your music. Just stop with the Twit-fights and do so. And if you can’t do that, then you need help. You must seek professional help for you going only a month without launching yet another Twitter fight and acting like a victim of rape.
And if you ever dare go into another fight with someone else…you’ve lost your mind forever. May God not have mercy on your soul, and rot in Hell.
Fuck you, you shit-colored monkey-ass motherfucker. And bless your heart.
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
Toony Tuesday 2016: Danger Mouse (2015 reboot)
He's the greatest! He's FanTAStic! Where ever there is danger, he'll be there!
He's the ACE! He's AMAZing! He's the smartest, he's the bravest--he's...
a little different.
Yep, the world's best secret rodent spy has gotten himself and his show have gotten a major makeover. But is it hit with me? Will I like it? Will the world sit through yet another 1,000-plus review with a bunch of sentences and crappy humor before finally implying that I like it? Short answer: Yes.
Before I get to my thoughts on this new Danger Mouse, he's a Cliff-Notes--like course on the original Danger Mouse.
Airing from 1981 to 1992 and created by Brian Cosgrove and Mark Hall for London-based Thames Television, Danger Mouse is an animated series that parodies the spy fiction genre in which a mouse, Danger Mouse--along with his trusted-yet-cowardly sidekick Ernest Penfold, fights crime and saves the day from the evildoers of the day, including (and most especially) the sinister-and-strained throat Silas Greenback.
I--at my age at the time--became a huge fan when I first discovered the series on YouTube a few years ago. The humor, half quick and sharp and half silly and surreal, was just brilliant. And the voice-acting propelled the brilliance higher than what was possible. Even the animation, as weak and fuzzy as it was, was as great; the limited scope still feels expansive. This series spoofed the spy fiction genre to perfection, starting with the heroes and villains all being animals, the use of a pillarbox as DM and Penfold's HQ/home and many moments of Braking the Forth Wall between the characters and the narrator, himself a great element with his haminess and comic seriousness of his dialogue and character.
Everything about this series is awesome and makes it awesome. It's no wonder that it's become a beloved piece of British television (both animated and in general) and is a cult favorite in the rest of the world. Which explains where we are today.
This is the 2015 reboot of classic 80s animated series Danger Mouse.
Danger Mouse 2015 S01E01 Danger Mouse Begins... by GodsParents
Okay, where to start here?
I really like this...and I KINDA don't. There is so much I enjoy about this new series, and some things I could do without at first.
When a reboot was announced back in 2013, I kinda rolled my eyes. It's clearly a part of the nostalgia boom and only served purpose to not create something entirely new and original. But at the same time, I was somewhat optimistic. I wold love to watch a Danger Mouse series while I am alive, and I think it could introduce children to a classic franchise that's beloved for many reasons.
It could work very well. And it does. In some ways.
The characters are a different in personality from the original:
Danger Mouse isn't as much of an Ace anymore, as he is now a little more absentminded and clumsy, and like to showboat when on a mission. At times it's funny, while in others it's plain annoying.
Penfold, while still a little cowardly, is more resourceful and timid. While cool, it's kinda sad that I really miss the old PF, as he was hilarious for being dim scaredy-cat.
Colonel K is less out-of-it.That's cool; he was really irritating at times. And Stephen Fry is voicing him, which is a huge plus.
Baron Silas Greenback is no longer a Brit, as he now dons a German accent and has the title 'von' added to his name. He's otherwise largely the same, which is great.
His henchman Stilleto previously donned an Italian accent, but now slips one in under a Cockney accent. I don't mind this; he's still a funny henchman
And if that wasn't enough, there are new characters created:
-Professor Squackencluck: chief scientist of the secret service, and probably the niece of the original Squackencluck. She's smart, works well with her hands and brain, and she's kinda hot. She doesn't have as many funny moments as the guys, but she can hold her own really well.
-Jeopardy Mouse, an agent working in America, and DM's female counterpart.
-
The voice actor cast for the new Danger Mouse is completely revamped.
Alexander Armstrong voices DM, Kevin Eldon does Penfold,
Stephen Fry (!!!) is Colonel K, Ed Gaughan is Greenback
& Dave Lamb is The Narrator and Stilleto (ironically not voicing DM too, but Stilleto)
(along with Shauna MacDonald as Niece Prof. Squakencluck and Lena Headley as Jeopardy Mouse)
While saddened that most of the original cast has not returned for the new series (understandable that most have probably died or retired), I believe this new cast is just as great as their predecessors. Considering I've seen works by some of them before (Armstrong hosts BBC One's Pointless, a brilliant game show [please check it out]), so this show is in good hands there.
The animation is much more sharper, clearer and colorful than the original. I originally didn't enjoy it at first (mostly because nostalgia), but now I love it! It's animated at Toon Boom, and they did a wicked good job. Honestly (and ironically), I thought it was made in Flash, but the producers have said using it is too limited (don't blame them).
The jokes here feel a little different (new writing, duh) but otherwise carries on the spirit of the original. It's not as whip-smart or hilarious as the original, but it's really funny on its own right, and that's what counts.
I really enjoy this new Danger Mouse and I hope you will too.
While it airs on CBBC in the UK, it's an Exclusive Series on Netflix here in the States.
There are a few places to watch it too.
For now, I'm Andrew, and I'll see you next week for another Toony Tuesday review! Probably Peanuts or a Throwback. Or both, I'll shall see.
Sunday, May 08, 2016
Short/Long Music Review 2016: April
I want a recount!!
I want a protest!!
I want a restitution!!
I want a drink.
Why is "Panda" by Desiigner Number One on the Billboard Hot 100?!?! And why did it even blow up on the chart in the first place?? This song sucks ass! Who has so much appeal and likeness to it that they got it over so much that high?? I just don't understand it.
But we've had some other surprises on the chart over the years thanks to YouTube views being counted-standard. "Harlem Shake", and "The Fox" great examples of the Dork-ish era. And now, this song is at the top. the cream of the crop. ...More like cream of the crap.
But let's skip this piece of shit (at least until next month) for other songs that are potentially pieces of shit in my picks of interest for the month of April.
Let's start with the Top 10 from the end of this month, which has changed a bit, but is nothing much special:
--"Work" by Rihanna & Drake is STILL #1 for the entire month (which I still don't mind; it's a really fun song once you avoid the lyrics)
--Like Peter Parker beginning his origin as Spider-Man, "7 Years" by Lukas Graham has been a big riser on the charts this month, climbing up steadily across the Top 10 and making its peak to #2, before dropping a slot to #3.
-I admit, I want to really like this song, not only because everyone else likes it too (clearly). But the sappiness of it turns me off a lot, and as I've learned later on, features verses that are seemingly fake and/or annoyingly braggy. Thanks to that, I've likened this song even less.
--Beating it, though, to get to #2...is "Panda" by Desiigner.
I never wanted this to become a hit. The dark, janky beat is what you expect from other rappers' beats; the lyrics are shit and the flow is...fine. At best (or worst?), he's a knock-off of Future. And that is a reason why this song bombs to me, and yet--like Fetty Wap, he has somehow become a rising star in the music industry. But unlike Fetty--who I'm more indifferent towards, I think Desiigner sucks from the jump. This rise from near the bottom last month just frightens me. And-outside of this segment-I don't want to have anything to do with him. And yet, everyone else does, which frightens me.
--Rising to #4 is Meghan Trainor's "No", which I'm really happy about. It's the first song of hers I think is actually really good from the start. The beat is well-made, the lyrics are perfect with its concept and Meghan's vocals are some of her best so far in her career. This album Thank You better be a good one, cause I'm really excited to hear it.
--ZAYN's "Pillowtalk" is still holding on tight at in the middle #5. It's growing on me a little more, and that's all I'll say.
--#6 is "I Took A Pill in Ibiza" by Mike Posner, a single that is now his biggest since 2010's "Cooler than Me", a terrible song I kinda liked back then (I was a kid, so I had different tastes). But this is a big shock and disgust. I referenced Buckley's mention of "Top of the World" back in February, with the intent of hoping this song refutes his plan of topping charts again--but we all didn't expect this to chart as high as it did. I still don't like this at all.
Well, at least Seeso Remix is much better, thanks to the great slick-ass beat.
--Fifth Harmony's "Work from Home", #7, SUUUCKS. But, Ty Dolla $ign's verse is okay. Weird that the featured artists do way better than them in their own songs.
--"Love Yourself" by Justin Bieber's falling, but sticking around at #8. Which is still great.
--At #9, is "Cake by the Ocean" by DNCE. I still really like this.
--And finally, "Me, Myself & I" by G-Easy featuring Bebe Rexha at #10. It's an enjoyable song.
And now the songs I'm gonna review this month, because it's my thing now--conscious be damned.
Rap
We start off with two new songs from Drake via his latest album Views.
(But nether are available on YT at this moment, so let me know when that happens.)
Sooo...
I've wanted to avoid these songs for as long as I could, but as there are so many songs I've already reviewed, I have no choice.
"2 Phones" - Kevin Gates
I really have no time for this.
This sounds like the crossing sidecars in the train of thought of a . At first, I thought this song was about some dick-ass nigga cheating on his on his girlfriend. In a way it is, but also features the same old shit you've heard before with a twist that ol' Kev here has his phone blown up by his business partners, money-hungry friends and side pieces.
- Push-button-start foreign car ("Button start the foreign")
-Devaluing women ("Phone be makin' women feel they unimportant" /
"Money callin' for me, baby girl I'm sorry/Nothing but a {?}, you not that important")
-The Haters ("Hater, wish you well") [Thank you]
-Many lines about selling drugs
-Sex ("Juggin' round the city, you know what it is")
-Adultery ("Gettin' calling cards from your Barbie doll") [Calling cards?? You mean those things you buy from corner stores to call people in other countries?]
With the tone of Gates' voice, it seems like a parody song, something I'd find hilarious. But it's not. This is serious, and the dark, brooding beat proves it. And his vocals are garbage; he can't keep the same sound and flow for one verse and it changes throughout. And the singing sounds a certain type of terrible; his voice has so much force and , it ruins what little talent he has to carry it.
I'll admit, the hook is catchy, and is most definitely the reason the track's so popular. By the time the song reaches it's nadir, it'll be fresh out of people's minds and only the chorus will stay around.
I really don't like this at all.
--
"Low Life" - Future featuring The Weeknd
Future cannot stop being a black version of Ted Cruz. Hate-able, has a voice for people with no redeemable purpose in life or the future, says things that just make me wanna kick him in the penis, and has a punchable face. With "Low Life", it gets even worse. And with The Weeknd along for the ride, it just makes me grind my teeth to the bit.
This track continues this year of Future's imperial march of drugging, popping, dranking, thotting, car shilling and Auto-Tune slathered to oblivion. And this has to be the worst of his terrible trip to the top. Basically, Not-Past here is checking off what he does for a living and says he'll rep for the low life. It doesn't matter if he's a rich famous rapper staying at swanky hotels and rapping to millions of fans around the world. He's still do what he's been doing since living in the hood:
taking drugs
("I been on the molly and them Xans with your daughter"/
"Taking pain pills on the plane, getting chartered"/
"I can't feel my face, I'm on Adderall, nauseous"),
making his house look like a mini garbage dump
keeping more guns around than condoms
("It ain't stereotyping/
Cause they know a nigga keep twenty rifles/
And they know a nigga keep twenty snipers/"),
sleeping with married women because single women are considered cancer,
("If she catch me cheating, I will never tell her sorry
If she catch me cheating, I will never tell her sorry" /
"Got my baby momma and my side bitch kissing")
and destroying hotel rooms with his grooming habits
("Turn a five star hotel to a traphouse
Roaches everywhere, like we forgot to take the trash out" /
"I turn the Ritz into a lean house
This my sixth time getting kicked out")
(It's their fault they keep letting him back in).
Murder just because
("Running with the wave, get you killed quick
Shoot you in your back like you Ricky")
[Ricky from...New Edition??]
Or at least he claims to be. Yeah, he really doesn't.
So basically whatever he says he does in the song, is only a lie.
And I know Weeknd has taken drug earlier in his life, but come on. A song with Future?? I mean no. When he sings lyrics of a Future song, he makes them look even worse.
And it gets even more annoying when a line in the bridge about snipers and wifey's repeats over and over.
"Sniper, sniper, sniper, sniper, sniper
Sniper, sniper, sniper, sniper, sniper
Wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey
That's your wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey?
I think I like her, like her, like her, like her
That's your wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey, wifey?
I think I like her, like her, like her, like her"
This is the man idiots call Future Hendrix, people. Believe it.
And even worse, he claims that these lyrics are not considered stereotypes, but everything found in this song are the stereotypes. Specifically black men who take and sell dope, sleep with multiple women, shoot other men for no reason and live in abandoned houses because frugality. He doesn't even try to make it any clearer; it's just out there to fail masking the same old shit we've heard before. It's pathetic.
The beat makes it more boring than dark, and Future's vocals are laughable as usual. In fact, they make the lyrics more humorous than they seem. Roaches at the Ritz? That's Billy Eichner funny! ha-ha-ha-ha...heeh.
This song sucks ass and I expect to put this in my Worst Hip-Hop/R&B Song List.
No wonder Ciara dumped his wack ass.
--
What is there to say? Rap/Hip-Hop is still garbage.
--
Pop
Pop is better and better on the main chart this month, with songs I really generally enjoy. Fun, bouncy, catchy and listenable. Most of them, at least. Let's start things off with...
"New Romantics" by Taylor Swift
Hello, Taylor Swift. Weird to see you here again--owhoamIkidding?.
Tay-Tay has hit the charts once again during her rad reign of 1989, and this is one of the best from it.
For those who don't know, New Romanticism is a pop culture movement in the early 80s where kids wear eccentric and flamboyant fashions to match the genres at the time, as an answer to punk music and its fans. Basically it's like hipsters but more likable.
Everything about this is just great.
The lyrics are great, they're catchy as hell, the and match the feeling of getting yourself up from heartbreak and despair.
Taylor's vocals are just delicious; the lower register in the verses-what we don't hear usually in her songs-just pulls me in and holds me until the last second. And the production is some of the strongest and best of the album (or at least the singles I've heard). The fast, forceful beat is straight fun and exciting, and ensures an awesome experience with every listen. "We're too busy dancing/to get knocked off our feet"
To me, this song is yet another memorable single from TSwift's fifth album, but only the most fast and fun.
--
"Piece by Piece" - Kelly Clarkson
One of the few American Idols we still know and care about has returned to the charts. Although I almost never noticed much.
This single is about a woman's shattered relationship with father, which ruined her faith, trust and belief in love; but she's willing to forgive to begin and strengthen her relationship with her own family.
I love Kelly Clarkson. Pretty much THE American Idol, she's always had everything that made her a star (and still makes her one): talent, voice, music and writing. And her looks never mattered; I find her beautiful, but that's thing I recognize about her. And although her music now isn't as spectacular as it was since a few years ago, she's still one of my all time favorites.
And this is one of those examples.
While the writing isn't as strong as her previous songs, it's still nice and sweet with a touch of heartbreaking and heartwarming with a splash of hope at the end.
At first, I thought it was about a bad relationship with a lover (when I first heard the line "And all I remember...is your back" along with the pause, I thought 'Oh. So you remember him...for the sex?') And nowthat Ilearned whatit's reallyabout, Ifeel reallystupid andcreepy aboutit. SoSorry.
I don't feel the catchy factor here, but I still enjoy it well enough to replay. The straight pop production with touches of 80s pop is superb. And Kelly is just easily awesome as she's ever been. (Even with child, she's still got it.)
I'm just very happy Kelly is still doing well for herself, with this song peaking in the Top 10 on the Hot 100 last month. And it's good that she's a least half as relevant (deservedly) as everyone in the Top 10. And for that, she deserves to still be the star she truly is.
--
"Close" - Nick Jonas ft. Tove Lo
The little Jonas Brother probably has another hit on his hands. And with Tove Lo joining, he's got it already.
This track is about the physical and sexual desires of two people in a relationship...but the anxieties of both ruin things. So they try to mend things.
Okay, I'm not too keen on the steel drum at the start, but the hard, rough beat is undeniably awesome. And just as much is both Jonas' and Tove's vocals. Nick still has that smooth and sexy-yet-vulnerable voice and utilizes it well, while Ms. Lo has an airy, soft-as-silk voice that sounds amazing on only her. And the chemistry between them shines bright and burns hard like a thousand suns. And they make the situation believable (especially when you watch the video).
You see, Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor? THAT'S how you make a good sex song. And you don't need to desecrate the name/legacy of Marvin Gaye to do so. (Idiots)
I really like this song.
--
"Lost Boy" - Ruth B
This is a "chick on piano" song, something some internet vloggers hate. But I kinda like this a lot. This song has a lot of emotion from a story we all know and love (mostly thanks to Disney and NBC), but the lush, echo-y vocals of Ruth B. make this work. The cadence of her voice is just lovely and
Also it's kinda funny she refers to herself as a "lost boy", because the Boy Who Never Grew Up was played by a woman in the Broadway versions, so this is kinda not a coincidence.
--
"YOUTH" - Troye Sivan
Running away from a song about sex to a song about...running away is this track by Austrailian artist Troye Sivan (first name pronounced without the "E"). It's clear from reading the title that it's about having fun at your age and running away from the inhibitions of life (responsibility). Like--you know...teenager shit.
Basically the lyrics call for "Let's explore life while we're young, prepare for what comes at us and learn about everything that makes us who we are", while it's saying "Let's get shitfaced and high! We won't care what our parents and elders say. Let's run away from responsible stuff and crap!" or at least that's what I'm getting from the video.
But it's not that bad a song. I really like the production (dream-like and buzzy) and the vocals on Troye is pretty good.
--
"Cheap Thrills" - Sia ft. Sean Paul
I generally like Sia, but I kinda dislike this song.
Sean Paul? It's been a long time since we last heard him in a song. But here, this it feels much more like a song by him than by Sia, as she has one verse repeated twice and a chorus that really doesn't sound like a song by her. Yes, there is "Chandelier", but that's different.
Sia's vocals are dull and the lyrics are even duller; laughable even. The beat, meanwhile, is very fun and bouncy, and can will be a fun track to play at parties, so the writing can be largely excused.
The track was originally written for Rihanna--and it shows (but I guess having no money just wasn't a part of the manufactured image she's portraying right now). But even if she did take this, I'd enjoy it more than the shit she's putting out from Anti right now (including one you'll see coming soon).
For Sia, this is dull, pandering sell-out material. But for Sean Paul, this is a perfect resurgence in the mainstream. And right now, I can take this. I like this.
--
"Needed Me" - Rihanna
Rihanna has another song on the charts (possibly about sex), and a music video that should make them all have ratings now. "Bitch Better Have My Money" sure paved the way.
"Mustard ON THE BEAT, HO!"
NoooOOOOOoooOOOOooo!! (sobs)
Great! DJ Mustard is back. I'm sure every suck-ass rapper and their loony fans are happy to hear. All I can say about the beat is that, despite still being as paint-by-numbers and basic as he's known for since the start, this is actually a good beat. The production actually feels more organic and fits the song. And yet, it's so fucking boring. Even "BBHMM" had more pep than this dreck.
And if that wasn't enough, this song is just like "Bitch Better Have My Money", but with a side of romance thrown in too. It's about a "real nigga" "dating" a "bad bitch" and how the relationship fizzles out, but the woman believes that, despite their many hits on random people, riding motorbikes, huffing blow and carrying guns like clutch purses, he needs her. A true Bonnie & Clyde, amirite?
The video is just fine, but since it's Rihanna, it has to have more than a minute's worth of tit shots, ass shots and a strip club. How perfect.
But no, seriously, fuck this song. It's just RiRi trying and failing once again to act gangsta, ending up a fake-ass hood bitch instead. And of course, DJ Mustard. I bet ANTI is just more of the same from Rihanna and I don't want to have anything to do with it.
--
And that does it for the Pop section. I enjoyed most of the songs featured this month, More from a production standpoint than writing standpoint. Rihanna still mostly sucks, I enjoy Taylor Swift more and more, I think Tristafe Sivan might have a couple songs on the charts before becoming an obscure memory, Nick Jonas will be still a hitmaker and Kelly Clarkson is till awesome.
I'm curious to see what next month will bring. Hope for more fun tracks.
---
Country
"You Should Be Here" - Cole Swindell
This song is just heartbreaking. And beautiful.
Cole Swindell gives us this tribute to a loved one who past away just before their bond continued to strengthened. He mentions his family coming together and reminisce about the good times they shared.
To be honest, if I didn't choose to read the comments under the video as it played, I wouldn't know what it really was about (even if it was spelled it for me). Thank goodness for that, because I almost thought it was a song about drinking beer at the honky-tonk and having some hick fun.
And even though it was short, it really packs in the emotion of songs wishing farewell to loved ones. And since I myself lost a beloved loved one a few years ago, and I first played it after the day of his death, it really hits me.
The beat is nice and Swindell give great, honest, emotional vocals. So I'll give this one a big thumbs up.
--
"That Don't Sound Like You" - Lee Brice
Remember Lee Brice? The guy who claimed he doesn't dance and would rather do anything else?
Well, he's got a middling hit about how a girl isn't herself and wants to rectify. But I bet the reason she ain't herself anymore because she heard him sing this song.
Christ, this song is boring. And apparently, it's made to make us feel like the girl to see how she feels. The production is sappy and moody, but calls for "I want my girlfriend to stop acting so glum, so I can have some fun and get into her pants again." How noble. This song is stupid, but I'll take it for not over this next excuse for music.
--
I've heard that a lot of people are less than indifferent towards Thomas Rhett. He's dull, he's terrible, he can't make good music. But I've never heard his mucic before, so I can't side with or against them. But then I listened to "Die A Happy Man"...and they're probably right.
Immediately after the first strums of guitar, this track reminded me of "Waiting on the World to Change" by John Mayer. Not a good start. In fact, he might be a country-fied version of Mayer anyway.
The concept, as fresh as it is, is simple: He's in love with his lover, and says that all he ever needs in his life is her love, and he'll die a happy man. And when you get it, I'm sure you'll smile through a quick death soon.
Uhh, guy? You do know you need more than love to live? In fact, it sounds pathetic to declare love when you know you need food, water and air to live. Creepy, even.
This is a very sweet, smooth song and a wonderful exchange to your love, but the message is just skewered to hell and back. I'd love my lover too, but I'd rather have a Quarter Pounder and a Pepsi in my stomach before I start declaring.
I honestly think he must've lost some sense in his brain before coming to that conclusion.
--
"Came Here to Forget" - Blake Shelton
I Want to Forget This.
Oh wow, this is shit. His vocals sound like he's trying to mix like R. Kelly and Luke Bryan. Of course he fails. The beat is laughable garbage, sounding more moody than it needs to be. Blake tries to sound hip and cool, and yet redneck-ish, but looks like a idiotic asshole. And the concept is so generic. He's bitter after a breakup and wants to find a new girl, who is also single. And they want to have fun. (Remind you of anything?) I can't remember anything else because this song is so crap. Can't be the Asperger's because I just played it.
--
EDM
"Middle" - DJ Snake
That drop, man.
I'm not too into this one. But the beat is very enjoyable. And the vocals from Bipolar Sunshine are pretty good. But this a song I'd rather not play on repeat any time soon.
--
And finally, I'd like to start a new feature where I review the very last song I chosen on the Hot 100 this month, called Song 100. Very self-explanatory.
First song is from the list issued the week of April 23, "Record Year" by Eric Church.
I don't know if a breakup let him to a huge start to his music career...or actually listen to vinyl records. Either way, this is corny.
While Church does great here, along with nice production, the lyrics are stupid and not at all clever. The mentions of bands and singers, along with iconic LPs on the grooves get a bad treatment from this song. He's depressed from a breakup, and needs music to get him happy again. There's nothing that makes it original or memorable.
I'd give this a skip.
--
Well, this was a productive month. I listened to some very fun and enjoyable Pop, shitty Rap, stupid country, and likable EDM. Most of them are probably not gonna be memorable for a while. But I'm more or less generally pleased. Let's hope this continues to next month.
This for joining me this month. I'm Drew, and I'll see you in May. (Actually June for May, but still...) Goodnight!
Friday, May 06, 2016
SNL 41 Review: Ep. 15 -- Ariana Grande & Ariana Grande
Ahh, I miss the time when I can title a Review with the host and musical guest's name is used twice. It's such a refreshing time to make a joke like that. See also: me posting a review closer to on time. (My apologies)
Former Nickelodeon starlet-turned-Pop superstar/occasional embarrassment Ariana Grande returns to Studio 8H for her second turn as musical guest and her first shot as host.
"It's too bad for them I didn't have my knife on me. I've been known to cut a bitch." -Ben Carson
--
Ariana took to the main stage to perform her Monologue. (Yes, perform--as in sing)
Ever since her incident where she licked a donut in a New York bakery last summer, she felt horrible about her and wanted everyone to shame her appropriately. At the same time, she wants to live a more grown-up life in the public eye and stardom. So she wants to commit a harder, stronger, gets-viewed-by-everyone adult scandal.
She was fantastic during this.
For starters, a discussion with Kenan about starting careers at Nickelodeon (Along with Tkill, but we'll get to that later) was really sweet, and the joke about why he hasn't reuniting with Kel Mitchell was hilarious.
As for the song portion I knew she had a great voice, but I didn't know she had the pipes made for standards music. At one point, I mistook her for Lady Gaga.
Oh yeah, and...she wants a scandal? Well, she got it.
Yes, she did say the word "shit" during that performance. Apparently, Lorne is much more looser with the Standards and Practices department than we thought. Seriously, it's Kanye all over again, accept this time we just do this. That was either planned and acted adorable or actually was real and adorable. Ether way, she's in (a tiny bit) trouble thisweek--next fewcouple days.
--
The Pre-Tape After is Hillary Clinton realizing that somewhere(--somehow), she's not the most popular Democratic nominee of this election. So she is accepting this...by changing herself to fit whatever can suit her at the moment to stay popular (specifically).
This has to be the most brilliant and satisfying attack on Hillary Clinton they've done yet. She's known during campaign season for changing her stories and stances toward certain things to stay on top.
--
Kids Choice Awards Pre-Show
I love this one. They knew what they were doing with this one.
The unrecognizable child co-hosts with the even more unrecognizable names, the annoying hype towards the show itself, the corny chemistry between them, and of course the wrong times to start the show--from throwing to it early, to the clock counting up, to it working like an alarm clock (the dreaded blinking 12).
This is just great not only for shading the show for the fuck-ups with the countdown time before the show starts, but everything else around it.
Also, those blimps behind Brynlee?
Yeah, they bear the original Nick logo.
Those have to have been given to the show for the skit by Kenan (as he had won some back during his days on All That and Kenan & Kel), so if so, that's awesome.
To say nothing about the fact that the skit took place hours after the actual show, which was obvis brilliant, and that Taran Killam also started his career on the network as Spaulding on the "Moody's Point" skit on The Amanda Show, all of this was on-point.
This is the Best Sketch of the Week, definitely hands down.
--
Mermaids: Oceanna, Cherelle and Shud
If anything, this was all Kate McKinnon being weird, this time as Shud the third mermaid. Everything about this was hilarious. Her getting horny with her saved fisherman, revealing that she has two mouths (one for shitting), and wanting to merge with her saved fisherman. All of this is laugh-out-loud creepy
This is exactly why Kate is so loved. She can do any role, no matter how creepy or weird, and knock it out easily.
--
Celebrity Family Feud! AGAIN!!
This time some of the best actors and directors face off in the classic game of asking the most creepy and sexual questions ever...that month.
(This is probably gonna get taken down, so let me know when it does)
This was hilarious. ALL OF IT.
Everyone gave their all as the impersonations.
But Special mention goes to:
-Ariana--knocking her mock-up of Jennifer Lawrence out the damn park
-Kate McK--doing Tilda Swinton justice
-Beck Bennett--killing his fake Javier Bordem
-And even Jon Rudnitsky with a fantastic version of Martin Scorsese
Also, Kenan is still fantastic as Harvey, who at this point can be funny fucking up any other thing under the sun--like Idris Elba's name or Old Country for Old Mens.
This is definitely the second best of the season's offerings.
Fave Lines:
Celebrities-
"They told me not to do a game show, but I was like, 'screw it, I can have fun. I'm a regular person'" -Jennifer Lawrence
"I just won a MAFTA. That's a BAFTA on the Moon." -Tilda Swinton / 2
"HELLO FOLKS! IT'S THE FATMAN ON BATMAN!! THANKS FOR HAVING ME ON THE PODCAST, STEVE." -Kevin Smith
--
Harvey-
2--"Whatever you say, David Bowie."
"For us, it's 10 in the morning, but for you, it's day three."
"I loved you as the grandfather in Up."
"Whatever you say, big love."
"Show me GOTTA GET DAT ASS!"
"I know exactly what you tryna say. Show me cocaine!"
--
Saving TIDAL
This is clearly pretty much the sketch where a computer glitch almost took down Pandora, but Bruno Mars the shy intern saves the day by singing Michael Jackson and others. This time she doesn't laughably pass away. But I'm cool with the recycle.
Like the original (which itself was brilliant), this was also a very good, very funny skit. Showcasing Ariana's incredible talent--mixing her nice vocals and great impressions with the wonderful talents of other female talents (except Rihanna, that one was meh), this pretty much cements her talent of impersonation. Bravo.
--
In the Final sketch, the nuns of the Nonnberg Abbey have a problem on their hands, named Maria. So they sing about her in criticism of her free, cheerful spirit. That is until Maria herself hears about it, and is furious. So she claps back at them. No, seriously.
My Goodness, I'm gonna hate myself for this, but...that was fierce, on fleek, FIRE and Gone with the Wind FABULOUS!!! Seriously, it's as if she stepped into a time machine, went to 2015, stumbled upon an episode of Maury and came back to put these witches in their place. And it was hilarious AND brilliant.
We all wanted to have something to say to the nuns while watching the film (and a lot more to say during the NBC televised musical, but not to them.), and the fact that the writers thought of putting them into this version of Maria was kinda brilliant.
I really liked this one.
--
Here's a little treat for you.
I've only posted a Cut for Time sketch once, and that was last season,
(I promise I'll do more about that during my move to WordPress)
and since there were two this week, I had to post them here. And both were brilliant.
One of which one again shows off her absolutely impeccable impression of the Judy Garland. Seriously, even the icon herself would be proud. I'm sure she would love anyone playing her.
Also, everyone else did great; Kenan, Rudnitsky and BeckBeen as the actors playing Captain Judy Garland's ship workers, TKill as the host Daniel O'Dance
--
Pre-Tape Time!
The female cast members (and guest host Ariana) are on a mission. A mission to write, produce and sing a song to unite women and provide comfort and solemness to prove that they are in it together for the long haul. But first, they need to write it...and that the song they're singing about isn't it. This is "This Is Not A Feminist Song".
This song may not be about feminism, but it's still everything.
I love how it feels like it, but it's not about it. How the video features all aspects of these songs, like a bunch of everyday women in everyday positions (even showing an old woman's hands). And I love how aware of it all is; "Hey, we've wanted to make a song about this certain thing, but we didn't anyway, so here's a bunch of stuff that are usually found in videos like this.". I LOVE THAT!! And I love how dismissive it acts to be of people who don't agree to feminists' more questionable beliefs. It's brilliant, creative and funny. Plus the female cast members get to sing again, and that's always a plus.
I love this a lot. One of my favorite Pre-Tapes this season.
--
In case you forgot (I don't blame you; these reviews are long as shit anyway), Ariana is also the Musical Guest this week. And with that is its own responsibility. Performing music that her fans have waited way past their bedtimes to watch, squee, fangirl and flood Twitter for in abundance (some of them lucky enough to get RT'd by the show).
Uhh...scratch that.
The two songs she's shilling around during Round 2 are tracks from her upcoming third album Dangerous Woman, which--
--if the artwork is of any indication, we'll be preparing for the invasion of...Discount Catwoman (called HareGirl)! or the goofiest Mariah Carey fan ever. or...the biggest fan of Halley from Astroblast by 10 years.
Seriously, that album artwork is ridiculous as fuck, and should not have been used to show off the record or create this era of mentality that we're supposed to see her as Dangerous.
She quoted of Egyptian feminist writer Nawal El Saadawi's novel from 1975, Woman at Point Zero as follows:
Janis Joplin is Dangerous.
Lil Kim is Dangerous.
Mariah Carey is Dangerous.
Hell, even Carole King is Dangerous
Fuck, even "Weird Al" Yankovic from the album cover of Even Worse is Dangerous!!!
I cannot take her words about the title or even the quote of Woman at Penn Zero--I mean Point Zero *sigh*--the book seriously with that artwork. It's just so goofy and adorable. Ariana, get out of here with that.
Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the performances. Yeah, they were great.
Ariana brought some heat and seduction and charisma to the performance stage.
Okay, two out of three.
Her first song, "the title track" is ... Well...
One thing I can't get past is her wearing a bustier with a blazer hanging off her arm. Just goofy. Like Selena Gomez, she is attractive--but looks so young, it makes me feel like I'm watching something from Toddlers and Tiaras. But the difference between them is, Ariana has personality to her voice.
All I can say is, it's a better single to start with than "Problem", which is just a sucky rehash of "Problem" (Good luck being memorable in Japan! Konnichiwa!!).
I got a better time watching the second song "Be Alright"
which features male dancers dancing like in Chicago!
Or...like the dancers in Madonna's "Vogue" video. Either way, it rocks. Seeing these guys give all they got gave me chills. So much, that I just had to imitate some of what they did, and...I thought I did pretty good.
The production is light at the start and then picks up more as the chorus comes in. I like that aspect as much as that of "Dangerous Woman". Simple and soft, then rough and bouncier.
I enjoyed the hell out of these performances. I always knew Ariana was a very talented singer, but these performances were just great; on par with her last performances.
--
Time for an Update:
Jost & Che pretty much ripped apart Trump and his supporters during their extended joint-joke, which was no-holds-barred but brutally delicious from start to finish.
Cecily appears as a booted contested (or should I say, boozed) from The Bachelor
I love the little aside mentioning Leslie Jones, implying something more is going on between then.
RIBLET'S BACK!!!
I honestly love this guy. He always brings me joy every time I see him. Every time he says "jorb" gives me a perfect contact high
This was a great edition: non-stop laughs, brilliant biting humor, perfect performance from the anchors and a very-missed return from Riblet. I loved this one.
--
Wraparound:
I always thought of Ariana Grande as a very talented actress (yep, even on Sam & Cat) and musician (even on "Focus").
--
ConcluSLoN:
I really enjoyed this episode. This was a great one, indeed.
SNL will be going through yet another two-week hiatus. So
Tune in on April 2, when multiple-award winner--and coolest midget ever, Peter Dinklage hosts Episode 15, with music from Gwen Stefani (Because NBC just loves shilling The Voice.). For now, I'm just fascinated that the network got its logo out the safe area again (If you're a TV production nerd, you'll know what that means).
And with that geeky factoid, I'm Andrew, and I'll see you in a couple weeks. ...again.
Former Nickelodeon starlet-turned-Pop superstar/occasional embarrassment Ariana Grande returns to Studio 8H for her second turn as musical guest and her first shot as host.
"It's too bad for them I didn't have my knife on me. I've been known to cut a bitch." -Ben Carson
--
Ariana took to the main stage to perform her Monologue. (Yes, perform--as in sing)
Ever since her incident where she licked a donut in a New York bakery last summer, she felt horrible about her and wanted everyone to shame her appropriately. At the same time, she wants to live a more grown-up life in the public eye and stardom. So she wants to commit a harder, stronger, gets-viewed-by-everyone adult scandal.
She was fantastic during this.
For starters, a discussion with Kenan about starting careers at Nickelodeon (Along with Tkill, but we'll get to that later) was really sweet, and the joke about why he hasn't reuniting with Kel Mitchell was hilarious.
As for the song portion I knew she had a great voice, but I didn't know she had the pipes made for standards music. At one point, I mistook her for Lady Gaga.
Oh yeah, and...she wants a scandal? Well, she got it.
Yes, she did say the word "shit" during that performance. Apparently, Lorne is much more looser with the Standards and Practices department than we thought. Seriously, it's Kanye all over again, accept this time we just do this. That was either planned and acted adorable or actually was real and adorable. Ether way, she's in (a tiny bit) trouble this
--
The Pre-Tape After is Hillary Clinton realizing that somewhere(--somehow), she's not the most popular Democratic nominee of this election. So she is accepting this...by changing herself to fit whatever can suit her at the moment to stay popular (specifically).
This has to be the most brilliant and satisfying attack on Hillary Clinton they've done yet. She's known during campaign season for changing her stories and stances toward certain things to stay on top.
--
Kids Choice Awards Pre-Show
I love this one. They knew what they were doing with this one.
The unrecognizable child co-hosts with the even more unrecognizable names, the annoying hype towards the show itself, the corny chemistry between them, and of course the wrong times to start the show--from throwing to it early, to the clock counting up, to it working like an alarm clock (the dreaded blinking 12).
This is just great not only for shading the show for the fuck-ups with the countdown time before the show starts, but everything else around it.
Also, those blimps behind Brynlee?
Yeah, they bear the original Nick logo.
Those have to have been given to the show for the skit by Kenan (as he had won some back during his days on All That and Kenan & Kel), so if so, that's awesome.
To say nothing about the fact that the skit took place hours after the actual show, which was obvis brilliant, and that Taran Killam also started his career on the network as Spaulding on the "Moody's Point" skit on The Amanda Show, all of this was on-point.
This is the Best Sketch of the Week, definitely hands down.
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Mermaids: Oceanna, Cherelle and Shud
If anything, this was all Kate McKinnon being weird, this time as Shud the third mermaid. Everything about this was hilarious. Her getting horny with her saved fisherman, revealing that she has two mouths (one for shitting), and wanting to merge with her saved fisherman. All of this is laugh-out-loud creepy
This is exactly why Kate is so loved. She can do any role, no matter how creepy or weird, and knock it out easily.
--
Celebrity Family Feud! AGAIN!!
This time some of the best actors and directors face off in the classic game of asking the most creepy and sexual questions ever...that month.
(This is probably gonna get taken down, so let me know when it does)
This was hilarious. ALL OF IT.
Everyone gave their all as the impersonations.
But Special mention goes to:
-Ariana--knocking her mock-up of Jennifer Lawrence out the damn park
-Kate McK--doing Tilda Swinton justice
-Beck Bennett--killing his fake Javier Bordem
-And even Jon Rudnitsky with a fantastic version of Martin Scorsese
Also, Kenan is still fantastic as Harvey, who at this point can be funny fucking up any other thing under the sun--like Idris Elba's name or Old Country for Old Mens.
This is definitely the second best of the season's offerings.
Fave Lines:
Celebrities-
"They told me not to do a game show, but I was like, 'screw it, I can have fun. I'm a regular person'" -Jennifer Lawrence
"I just won a MAFTA. That's a BAFTA on the Moon." -Tilda Swinton / 2
"HELLO FOLKS! IT'S THE FATMAN ON BATMAN!! THANKS FOR HAVING ME ON THE PODCAST, STEVE." -Kevin Smith
--
Harvey-
2--"Whatever you say, David Bowie."
"For us, it's 10 in the morning, but for you, it's day three."
"I loved you as the grandfather in Up."
"Whatever you say, big love."
"Show me GOTTA GET DAT ASS!"
"I know exactly what you tryna say. Show me cocaine!"
--
Saving TIDAL
This is clearly pretty much the sketch where a computer glitch almost took down Pandora, but Bruno Mars the shy intern saves the day by singing Michael Jackson and others. This time she doesn't laughably pass away. But I'm cool with the recycle.
Like the original (which itself was brilliant), this was also a very good, very funny skit. Showcasing Ariana's incredible talent--mixing her nice vocals and great impressions with the wonderful talents of other female talents (except Rihanna, that one was meh), this pretty much cements her talent of impersonation. Bravo.
--
In the Final sketch, the nuns of the Nonnberg Abbey have a problem on their hands, named Maria. So they sing about her in criticism of her free, cheerful spirit. That is until Maria herself hears about it, and is furious. So she claps back at them. No, seriously.
My Goodness, I'm gonna hate myself for this, but...that was fierce, on fleek, FIRE and Gone with the Wind FABULOUS!!! Seriously, it's as if she stepped into a time machine, went to 2015, stumbled upon an episode of Maury and came back to put these witches in their place. And it was hilarious AND brilliant.
We all wanted to have something to say to the nuns while watching the film (and a lot more to say during the NBC televised musical, but not to them.), and the fact that the writers thought of putting them into this version of Maria was kinda brilliant.
I really liked this one.
--
Here's a little treat for you.
I've only posted a Cut for Time sketch once, and that was last season,
(I promise I'll do more about that during my move to WordPress)
and since there were two this week, I had to post them here. And both were brilliant.
One of which one again shows off her absolutely impeccable impression of the Judy Garland. Seriously, even the icon herself would be proud. I'm sure she would love anyone playing her.
Also, everyone else did great; Kenan, Rudnitsky and BeckBeen as the actors playing Captain Judy Garland's ship workers, TKill as the host Daniel O'Dance
--
Pre-Tape Time!
The female cast members (and guest host Ariana) are on a mission. A mission to write, produce and sing a song to unite women and provide comfort and solemness to prove that they are in it together for the long haul. But first, they need to write it...and that the song they're singing about isn't it. This is "This Is Not A Feminist Song".
This song may not be about feminism, but it's still everything.
I love how it feels like it, but it's not about it. How the video features all aspects of these songs, like a bunch of everyday women in everyday positions (even showing an old woman's hands). And I love how aware of it all is; "Hey, we've wanted to make a song about this certain thing, but we didn't anyway, so here's a bunch of stuff that are usually found in videos like this.". I LOVE THAT!! And I love how dismissive it acts to be of people who don't agree to feminists' more questionable beliefs. It's brilliant, creative and funny. Plus the female cast members get to sing again, and that's always a plus.
I love this a lot. One of my favorite Pre-Tapes this season.
--
In case you forgot (I don't blame you; these reviews are long as shit anyway), Ariana is also the Musical Guest this week. And with that is its own responsibility. Performing music that her fans have waited way past their bedtimes to watch, squee, fangirl and flood Twitter for in abundance (some of them lucky enough to get RT'd by the show).
Uhh...scratch that.
The two songs she's shilling around during Round 2 are tracks from her upcoming third album Dangerous Woman, which--
--if the artwork is of any indication, we'll be preparing for the invasion of...Discount Catwoman (called HareGirl)! or the goofiest Mariah Carey fan ever. or...the biggest fan of Halley from Astroblast by 10 years.
Seriously, that album artwork is ridiculous as fuck, and should not have been used to show off the record or create this era of mentality that we're supposed to see her as Dangerous.
She quoted of Egyptian feminist writer Nawal El Saadawi's novel from 1975, Woman at Point Zero as follows:
and had this to say on the title:
"They said, 'You are a savage and dangerous woman.' I am speaking the truth. And the truth is savage and dangerous"
Really? Who are you kidding?!?
"'Moonlight' is a lovely song, and it's a lovely title. It's really romantic, and it definitely ties together the old music and the new music, but 'Dangerous Woman' is a lot stronger. … To me, a dangerous woman is someone who’s not afraid to take a stand, be herself and to be honest."
Janis Joplin is Dangerous.
Lil Kim is Dangerous.
Mariah Carey is Dangerous.
Hell, even Carole King is Dangerous
Fuck, even "Weird Al" Yankovic from the album cover of Even Worse is Dangerous!!!
I cannot take her words about the title or even the quote of Woman at Penn Zero--I mean Point Zero *sigh*--the book seriously with that artwork. It's just so goofy and adorable. Ariana, get out of here with that.
Wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, the performances. Yeah, they were great.
Ariana brought some heat and seduction and charisma to the performance stage.
Okay, two out of three.
Her first song, "the title track" is ... Well...
One thing I can't get past is her wearing a bustier with a blazer hanging off her arm. Just goofy. Like Selena Gomez, she is attractive--but looks so young, it makes me feel like I'm watching something from Toddlers and Tiaras. But the difference between them is, Ariana has personality to her voice.
All I can say is, it's a better single to start with than "Problem", which is just a sucky rehash of "Problem" (Good luck being memorable in Japan! Konnichiwa!!).
I got a better time watching the second song "Be Alright"
which features male dancers dancing like in Chicago!
Or...like the dancers in Madonna's "Vogue" video. Either way, it rocks. Seeing these guys give all they got gave me chills. So much, that I just had to imitate some of what they did, and...I thought I did pretty good.
The production is light at the start and then picks up more as the chorus comes in. I like that aspect as much as that of "Dangerous Woman". Simple and soft, then rough and bouncier.
I enjoyed the hell out of these performances. I always knew Ariana was a very talented singer, but these performances were just great; on par with her last performances.
--
Time for an Update:
Jost & Che pretty much ripped apart Trump and his supporters during their extended joint-joke, which was no-holds-barred but brutally delicious from start to finish.
Cecily appears as a booted contested (or should I say, boozed) from The Bachelor
I love the little aside mentioning Leslie Jones, implying something more is going on between then.
RIBLET'S BACK!!!
I honestly love this guy. He always brings me joy every time I see him. Every time he says "jorb" gives me a perfect contact high
This was a great edition: non-stop laughs, brilliant biting humor, perfect performance from the anchors and a very-missed return from Riblet. I loved this one.
--
Wraparound:
I always thought of Ariana Grande as a very talented actress (yep, even on Sam & Cat) and musician (even on "Focus").
--
ConcluSLoN:
I really enjoyed this episode. This was a great one, indeed.
SNL will be going through yet another two-week hiatus. So
Tune in on April 2, when multiple-award winner--and coolest midget ever, Peter Dinklage hosts Episode 15, with music from Gwen Stefani (Because NBC just loves shilling The Voice.). For now, I'm just fascinated that the network got its logo out the safe area again (If you're a TV production nerd, you'll know what that means).
And with that geeky factoid, I'm Andrew, and I'll see you in a couple weeks. ...again.
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