Short/Long Music Review 2016: March

Hi, everyone, and welcome to another month of songs on the charts checked in and reviewed for Short/Long Music Review.

There was some nice movement in the Top 10 in this month of March, as I’ve already reviewed most of the singles that have appeared in the top--or have risen or fallen since I’ve discussed them month.
-“Work” is still #1 for the past month (Good)
-”Love Yourself” rose to #2 (Great)
-”7 Years”-a song I don’t like much-actually rose to #3 (to my shock)
-”Stressed Out” dropped 2 spots to #4 (Grown on me)
-”My House” held on to the #5 spot (Meh)
-”Pillowtalk” dropped from the top and the top five. (Good)
-”Sorry” is still hanging at #8 (Cool)
- and my prediction just might gain some traction: DNCE’s debut “Cake by the Ocean” is second to last at #9. Hope it either goes higher or stays in the Top 10 in general.

Because there isn’t much to discuss there as we reach Month 3, I’ll just start with the bottom half of the Top 20. Let’s start with Ariana Grande’s latest single, the “title track” of her third LP Dangerous Woman.

I...don’t know where to go with this one.
When I think of a song where a woman (in Ariana’s case, an adolescent trying to be grown) turns bad, I expect the beat to have more speed and drive, not this slow percussion-heavy slow jam groove best for first-time sex with a guy picked by the music video director based off his looks on the summer ads for American Eagle.
I like the beat a lot, but it clearly doesn’t sounds like one for a song about a dangerous woman.

Also, this “stretching out the last word of every line after almost smashing the whole stanza together” thing she has going on with her vocals is really annoying. She sounds great here, but the execution is just near grating. Also near grating, the guitar solo in the bridge is clearly affected, and doesn’t sound right to me. What does sound right to me is the affected vocals at the end, which--not gonna lie--is kinda hot.

This track isn’t laughable, but it is questionable; but I think it can grow on me as the year progresses.
What is laughable is this: if Ariana wants to look like a “Dangerous Woman”, she should take off the bunny ears mask and show off a skinny, tight leather jacket and pants over a bustier on the album cover. That would be FIRE!
And that mask doesn’t make her look dangerous. It makes her look like a discount Catwoman...or a superhero (or super-villain) alter-ego for Louise Belcher...or the biggest fan of Halley from Astroblast! by ten years. (...look it up).
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And now, Meghan Trainor has returned (even though she never left) with a new hairstyle and a new attitude to match, in preparation for her second album Thank You. And to start off the single collage around that, here’s her first single--or piece of shit on skewered feminism, depending on your view, “NO”.

When I first read the title, I thought this song would something of a female empowerment anthem discouraging domestic abuse. When I heard it, I was only a little disappointed. While It’s not against abuse, we did get something as good in showing your clear disinterest to a man who won’t quit hitting on you. Basically if you’ve ever watched Victorious, you may have heard one of the songs “Take a Hint”; it’s just like that.
I love the beat; an eclectic mix of electropop and R&B from the 90s and early-2000s that reminds me of Lauryn Hill, Britney Spears and Dangerously in Love-era Beyonce. And the lyrics are also great; pretty much showing what you usually hear in songs like this without losing the point or going overboard.

Although....one gripe about this song is this line:
“Lick your lips and swing your hips/And all you have to say is”
You ain’t gotta do all that. You REALLY don’t have to do all that. Hell, it won’t even help your case. That’ll probably just make the guy even more hornier and lustier. Just say “no” and walk away. And if the dude really doesn't give up, just throw a glass of alcohol at him and then run.
One thing I don’t like about it at first is Trainor’s vocals try so hard to emulate Rihanna’s vocals from at least the start of the latter’s career. I couldn't understand some of the lines because her voice was so thick and try-hard. And no one asks for their sign anymore.

Other than that, I really like this one. It’s much better than almost all of her singles, especially “All About That Bass” and “Dear Future Husband” and that dogshit collab with Charlie Puth, “Marvin Gaye”. If her second album Thank You (or at least future singles from it) are anything like this, then I just might like her again. MIGHT.
Shit like those can take a while to change me.
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Fifth Harmony seems to be driving the “I’m a boss with a lot of money and a lot of sex appeal” thing to the ground (See the album cover) with “Work from Home”...which has to be the most bland, uninteresting and lifeless song I’ve ever heard yet.
And I’ve wasted a chunk of my life listening to “Only” and “Fancy”.

Okay, seriously! This is so uninteresting, boring, lifeless and laughable that--after listening to it and watching the video for the first time--it left me with NO reaction; I was left just flabbergasted and speechless.

None of the girls have lyrics that are memorable (or even more than basic), or vocals that have any personality, or much cadence, substance or even talent (surprise surprise). All of this just left my soul with the same disgusting feeling I felt from watching the pilot of Tales from the Darkside. (Seriously, don’t watch that if you don’t like horror media.)
Plus, their vocals clearly are affected, but not Auto-tuned. So of course, they have to rely on halter tops, jean short shorts under tool belts and grinding on every construction material in sight to carry the video.

As for the beat, I was left at a crossroads.
Between this and “Worth It”, this beat had nothing to offer, but I like it and is pretty catchy. Whereas with the latter, I didn’t like it, and it had more to show and is more memorable, for better or worse. But there’s one thing that’s still the same: All beats in Fifth Harmony songs are terrible and have nothing of excitement, joy or even interest. They’re just another novelty at best and a horrible girl group at worst, and I cannot--for the life of me--like or support me for anything they put out or perform.

I largely expected featured artist Ty Dolla $ign to rap(-sing) something horrible; but somehow, like Kid Ink on “Worth It”, he actually puts out something more interesting than the group. Sure, most of the verse is just “Shake dat ass fo’ me, mami”, but it left me with a more better taste in my mouth. And I really don't want what he sells.
Shocking, I know. I’d be surprised as shit if the next time I hear this, I’ll be tapping my foot in anticipation for Ty’s verse to come up. It’s shocking that Fifth Harmony can make a shitty rapper look better than themselves in their own songs. I scared for what happens next; maybe Rich Homie Quan? Tyga?? Young Thug?!?

Screw Fifth Harmony. I never want to hear or see them again.
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“Never Forget You” - Zara Larsson & MNEK

This next song follows a basic “I’ll always love you and I’ll never forget you” formula in some songs. But this isn’t really bad. Larsson has a really nice voice, reminiscent of Rihanna but doesn’t sound forced or irritating, like Selena Gomez tried and failed to do. Also, the other artist in this, MNEK, also did a really good performance. Honestly I thought that he was a rapper or a DJ--because of his name and the appearance in the video. He has a nice voice reminiscent of Sam Smith (in fact if you didn’t know of this song, you would’ve thought that was Smith there).
Both artists are pretty talented (if not similar to other artists), but can carry this song pretty well.

The beat is one of the better parts of this. It has a nice drive that goes hard during the post-chorus, but not too hard. And it fits the concept and tone of the track well.
As for the video, it’s very creative and cute. It follows a little girl and her imaginary friend as they grow older and wiser as time passes. And throughout the clip’s timeframe, the no-so-girl and the creature grow but have still stayed together. It’s a lovely, bright visual that I’ve enjoyed watching.

I don’t love it, but I really like and enjoy this song, and I think it can become a nice minor hit as the months pass.
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Alessia Cara is an artist I really like. You may remember I proved that in a tweet back in December, showing my love for her breakthrough "Here".

Lemme tell you right now.
I'm officially obsessed with @alessiacara's #Here. So dour, so gloomy, so anti-fun. SO BRILLIANT too.

— EDREWtorial (@EDREWtorial) December 24, 2015

(3 people liked it. She was one of them.)
Anyway, she has a new song out called "Wild Things" and I kinda like it.

Remember that line in "Here" where she mentions wanting to be with her friends and chatting about world domination:
"And we'll discuss our big dreams, how we plan to take over the planet"
She took that and turned it into a song. Which is really good.
I like the beat; the sound of what probably is hands banging on a surface and little cymbals (?) like in that "Cups" song from Pitch Perfect, but this is much different here. Also, Alessia's vocals are much more expansive, expressive and better than in "Here". I like this one a lot.

Also, I listened to her EP Four Pink Walls; and while not great, I pretty much enjoyed it is most places. I suggest giving it a quick listen before checking out her debut LP Know-It-All.
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If you’re noticing a trend here, the last few songs I’ve reviewed were by women.
Happy Belated Women's History Month!!
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“Sugar” - Robin Schulz ft. Francesco Yates

Robin Schulz is yet another DJ on the scene with his debut single “Sugar” featuring Francesco Yates. This song isn't much special, but is still a light fun song. There isn't much that gives off a club or a breakdance vibe (no bass or drive, just something of modern disco), but it's best for a little radio play once in awhile.

I've only heard of Yates from his appearance at last year's MMVAs, and because I’ve never heard a lick of his music, he’s mostly remembered for his nice-as-hell white-dude afro, which already made me a fan. So I had to see what this track is all about
He has a really nice voice; not extravagant, but pleasant to hear. What isn't pleasant is the guy's looks. While watching the video, I noticed that Yates does not at all look 20. He looks frickin' 12!

Like a male Annie. That's kinda scary.

From seeing the title, I’ve had thoughts of this song being similar to the song by Maroon 5, and from hearing the beat, my thoughts may not be so hollow. It goes along the same district, but thanks to the EDM feel, that’s all for comparisons.
While this isn’t a song I would break the replay button for like everyone else is on YouTube (over 150 million views as of this post), this is still a song I would enjoy in general.
Congrats, Robin.
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The Chainsmokers have, in my opinion, made a major rebound in their musical catalog after their obnoxious abomination/appreciation of douchey self-portraits known “#SELFIE”, with two songs doing really well on the charts,
“Roses” featuring...ROZES (heeeh)

And “Don’t Let Me Down” ft. Daya


“Roses” is kinda amazing. It’s got a catchy sweet beat and a kickass chopped production that make you do the robot with each frame cut of the chorus. I don’t mind the one verse that partially repeats as it progresses; it's a really cool line to sing along to.

Meanwhile, “Don’t Let Me Down” is more darker track about trying to gain the trust of someone you love, hoping they down ruin it; with a fast, hard drive in the production to match. I love the beat of “DLMD” slightly more than “Roses”, but the drop in “Roses” is just damn brilliant. Some of the comments on YT prove it hilariously.

I really like (maybe even borderline love) these songs, and I think I can start appreciating The Chainsmokers as an EDM duo that deserves to be listened to, and not be avoided at all costs.
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And now that the pop and EDM is over with here, let's get to R&B and Hip-Hop. And what way to start this section than with...
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“Back to Sleep” - Chris Brown
Aww, dammit!!

My sisters listen to him. This feels like the biggest disgrace to my family.

Chris Brown continues to become a disgusting embarrassment to the R&B genre (at least in my eyes) with “Back to Sleep”, which at first glance...is clearly about fucking until the girl passes out from the vileness.
I mean, come on. What do you think this crap is about? Reading the song’s title before Brown’s name was enough of a perfect guess. But after hearing the song, I knew that his credibility and creativity has continued to dwindle lower and lower...and lower...and lower.
And the beat tries its damndest to make all this sound sensual and even sexy with a fake 90s sound, but it’s not.
Plus, after hearing the chorus, I then thought “If you’re banging her back to sleep, does this mean you suck at sex?” Because that’s my only thought. Either that or the woman wasn’t in the mood, but went along with it--which may be the same thing. ...or rape. (either way, *pbbt*.)
Ohh, and the bridge basically says "I don't care if you got a job; take a day off. We bangin' til noon. I don't care if you fired; I want to get inside you, and you're gonna let me. Got that?"
But you said earlier you'd fuck her back to sleep, which is before she goes to work. What kind of mindset do you have!? Well, probably one that inspired "Loyal", apparently.
So Chris Brown doesn't want you to work; he's spent hours away from you touring and making music, and he wants to do something important with you that he could've done at another time. He wants to fuck you. And according to him, you have nothing else to do (sleeping is that), so you must comply.
Yeah...that's rape. Well, close to that.
Chris Brown...fuck you.

Anyway, this garbage song sucks pure ass and I wouldn’t touch it with a 10-yard iron pole. But don’t count out BET still hiring him to perform this song (or any others) at this year's BET Awards. I don’t blame them; they still need someone to help keep them semi-relevant for at least one night a year.
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“Oui” - Jeremih

Speaking of BET being desperate--Jeremih? Who? Oh yeah, “Birthday Sex” and “Don’t Tell ‘Em”.
Anyway, he somehow is still relevant and has yet another hit on the charts.
This one being “Oui”, which I think is better than the aforementioned songs and more. The soft-and-smooth R&B beat actually sounds nice and fits the tone nicely. And Jeremih’s vocals don’t annoy me as much. Granted they still annoy me since the start, but I can handle them here.
I also like the part of the song near the end where he vocalizes “Oooohh-”
This isn’t a bad song. I really enjoy this one.
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Fetty Wap has another song on the charts called “Jimmy Choo”. And I must ask: WHY?!?

This song is shit for many reasons:
-The beat sounds like it was made in 2004
-Fetty still sounds like his mouth was filled with novocaine before he reached the microphone
-His continued use of his dumb-ass catchphrases
-The lines and rhymes are complete garbage
-Clear product placement of the Jimmy Choo shoe brand, and
-the fact that he’s still around.
This is his worst song to date in my eyes (although he’s never had a good song in my eyes ever), and I must ask another question: Why did we make him popular again? Well, no--actually, why did you people make make him popular again? I didn’t do jack shit for this to happen and I’m happy for that.
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“Panda” - Desiigner
I wanted to talk about this song because the title reminded me of Panda from We Bare Bears.
I reeaaally wish it didn’t.

Okay. What fresh hell...
Was this...recorded by ISIS!? Seriously, who thought the bright idea was the constant sound effect of some dick cleaning out an AK magazine at target practice in Arizona? That is fucking creepy, while at the same time is annoying as hell.

The guy, Desiigner? What kind of stage name is that?? If rap is still trying to be masculine and hedonistic...this is a major example of it failing. And the two I’s? Smooth.
His voice is really unrecognizable at times; muttering every line, both sounding lazy and untalented and a fucking blessing because I really don’t want decipher. And the background voice pretending to a real nigga gansta is annoying as all fuck.

The title of the song is pretty much the musical equivalent of Clickbait. While it’s clearly not about pandas in general, I still expected something other than the usual bullshit drowning rap nowadays in this song. Which is funny because, in this song, Desiigner sounds like he’s drowning.

I hope to God that this guy will be a one-hit wonder. This song is garbage, should not have been made, should not have been popular and should not have been listened to--by me at least.

Also, that artwork? Stares at you at every direction. #Creepy
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I can't stand Kid Ink. And I can't stand Fetty Wap.
And yet...I listened to a song by both. It's called "Promise".
I hate myself.

Fetty isn't as annoying as he is in his own songs, but it's still Fetty Wap.
And Kid Ink? He's...tolerable.
This song is still terrible. But slightly better than I thought it would be.
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Rascal Flatts? Haven't heard that name since after they did that song for Cars.
Well, they're back with a new song called "I Like the Sound of That".
I Don't Like the Sound of This.

The frontman's vocals and twang are slightly un-listenable and all-the-way irritating and lead a thin premise that we've heard in most R&B and hip-hop songs in the last several years: killing the lonesome-ness and going to a girl's house for sex.
The production is good and the chorus is pretty fine. But this isn't a good song by them. Good thing I don't listen to them much. And Cars is a great film.
So...Not despise-able.
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And finally, Justin Bieber has another song from Purpose that's landed on the charts. And...to be honest...I'm absolutely excited. This time, it's one of my favorite tracks off the album, "Company".

This song is the best in so many places.
The composition (it's about Justin pursuing a girl for a friends-with-benefits relationship) is really good. It's simple and straightforward, but layered nicely and very enjoyable.
The vocals (which are light and breathy in the first half of the song) are actually some of Bieber's best from the album (and maybe even his career), and definitely carries the song all the way.
The beat is awesome; it perfectly fits the tone of the track, has a use of Trap percussion that I actually quite enjoy, has a great touch of R&B, and gives me chills every time. AND I LOOOOOOVE IT!
I've listened to Purpose all the way through and I can say that this is his best album. Period. Justin Bieber has gotten better as an act and a person, and I can find it in my heart to actually enjoy him without coming close to projectile vomiting from the thought of him.
And this is one of the best parts of it. I wanted this to be a single sooo bad, and now that it is, and as he's performing it live now (like he is at the iHeartRadio Music Awards), I hope this becomes a huge hit. This is a Purpose song that has to become a hit. ...which isn't saying much because all other singles reached #1 anyway.