SNL 41 Review: Ep. 13 -- Melissa McCarthy & Kanye West

The Cold Open this week features five friends discussing which Democratic candidate to vote for in the next goalpost of the election season. When Bernie Sanders is their choice, Hillary Clinton comes from nowhere to try to accept this.
IN SONG!

This sketch is filled with strange logic and absurdity—Puzzlement on choosing Sanders over Hillary tuned to agreement, Hillary appearing out of nowhere in grand fashion singing "I Can't Make You Love Me", Bill Clinton revealing he's NOT playing a piano, and Jeb Bush popping out of a table singing the same song. But it works. The absurdity is hilarious, the strange logic keeps the skit going without really going off the rails and it kept me on lock throughout.
My favorite parts were when Hillary touched TKill and KyMoo's faces—with the guys trying not to move in their states of not noticing her (and mildly failing); when Bill revealed he wasn't playing piano; and when Jeb! Tried to do what Hillary was doing and embarrassingly realizing that he failed.
Also, Kate McKinnon has a really nice singing voice, even if she forces it for comedic effect like she did here.
Now that that's over...

--

Melissa McCarthy. If her recent films are any indication, she's pretty much Kevin Farley with longer hair and tits. Wait, wrong analogy. She's Kevin Farley with longer hair and...a vagina? Much...better?
She hosted SNL this week with a bit of excitement and joy. She's a new member of the Five-Timers Club! No? Wait a minute...no, she's not.

This is actually her fourth appearance as host, and is technically not a member yet. But thanks to Kenan, she has a little more to smile from. Since she did appear at SNL's 40th Anniversary Special (specifically the Weekend Update segment), that can count toward something different. As in a sixteenth added to her host count, making McCarthy a four & 1/16-time host.
This aspect was hilarious, counting on the tried-and-true gag of the Club being mentioned in the Monologue, last used to hilarious returns in the Season 38 finale by Ben Affleck. All he got was Bobby Moynihan wearing a T-shirt with a large number 5 on it.

The banana in the FTC smoking jacket and 4&One-SIXTEENTH glasses were great touches as well.
That is one ice-cold, good-looking, best-dressed banana (to show scale) I've ever seen. (Which, I guess, makes Melissa...second banana?? [Heh? Heh? Eh.])
Anyway, this was a pretty funny song-and-dance number and great congratulatory introduction for Melissa into her own club of host count: The 4 & 1/16-Timer Club. Good for you.

--

Now onto the sketches of the week.
I thought these tried to be hilarious, based on the talents we've known of McCarthy (an abrasive woman with the knack of being doty and weird, and the inconsistent urge to jump around and break stuff)--and some of them are in some degrees, but others left me questioning my TV habits.

First, "Test Screening", where a group of people get a chance to watch a new horror/suspense film first and later get to watch their reactions to it. This goes as well as you expect.
These are their reactions.

It's clear that this sketch abuses McCarthy's physical comedy skills and basis to shout random stuff. And that...was pretty hilarious. In the way that that's most of the entire skit. There were a couple other great moments, a couple of which come from Leslie Jones ("Man, this bitch is pissing on herself!"), which I didn't expect but very well enjoyed.
--
In "Movie Night", a family (Pete Davidson, McCarthy & Bobby Moynihan) watch the original Terminator film. They later get stuck watching a sex scene.
This goes as well as you expect.

First off...longest. sex scene. ever.
Second, longest. awkward. family time. ever.
Third, their inside thoughts were really funny. The family trying to make the best out of an embarrassing situation and failing hard. All three (especially Pete) did great, along with the people who time the audio of the characters' inside thoughts between lines. That was also cool. This was one of the best sketches.

Fave Lines:
"So when's the last time you guys did that?" AND "Wow, she's getting railed!" -Son
(Also, while writing this on Windows Word, they mistook the sex slang "railed"...with another sex slang "nailed".

Good one, Word. Laugh of the week for me!)
"You know she has dark nipples for a white girl." AND "We are FARmers! Bum-didi-bumbum-bumbumbum!" -Jim
"So. Rubbers are rad, huh?" -Patty (her husband and son's reactions to this too)
The line the son says later about how hot his parents were and referencing Back to the Future. DAMN.
--
"Pick-Up Artist"
At a bar, four women are in training to become perfect pick-up artists. Things go as well as you expect as only one of them fails her teachings in the correct way.

This sketch was just hilarious. And it was all McCarthy's doing. Her creepy wannabe character stole the whole thing. I swear I couldn't stop laughing at her molesting KyMoo's character. (I feel sorry for him)
Also, while I didn't notice it live (I was in bed still reeling from Kanye), a few people pointed out on YT that Leslie broke character. I will agree that it was distracting and stopped the sketch from being funnier, but I just avoid it, and I found it hilarious nonetheless.
OTHO, the unsung hero of this was Vanessa. While almost everyone cracked a bit or straight-up broke, Nessa B kept it cool throughout the whole thing. While the guys (except Kenan, although he prob. Script-laughed) did well too, they only appeared in pieces. She was the hidden gem of the skit.
This was another great one.
--
In "Bus", a white woman wants to be nice and talk about Roots to a black woman sitting next to her. Things go as well as you would expect.

This was a strange sketch. Really strange.
It went from innocently racist humor sadly reminiscent of Rosa Parks to a dumbass reference to Speed. Except the passengers don't survive. There were some really funny lines from McCarthy's white woman passenger ("If this is Roots, which one is ?uestlove?"). And for that, this was one of the better skits.
--
And finally, Whiskers 'R We returns yet again. This time meow-ster of ceremonies Barbara DeDrew is joined by a good...friend.

---

It's time for the Pre-Tapes! And Oh, my God--"The Day Beyoncé Turned Black" is fucking hilarious!!

This is one of the best, most funniest and most genius Pre-Tapes this season.
This cleverly satires the reactions of white people who watched the music video of Beyoncé's latest song "Formation", in which she mentions her roots as an African American woman with her parents' heritage and that she'll never forget where she came from. While everyone was excited to see our Queen's reappearance to music, others (whites) weren't so hot about her return, namely the video which contains real-life issues, specifically the Black Lives Matter movement. Some people (who, again, are white) didn't like the parts of the clip where white police officers "surrender" to a young black boy, the piece of a local tagged "Stop shooting us" and Bey sitting on top of a cop car, which later submerges under flood water at the end. Then came her Super Bowl Halftime Show performance. They didn't like it and cried foul, especially Tomi Lahren from Glenn Beck's The Blaze, Andrew Breitbart and any other host on Fox News. But it was clear that their criticisms were not only for naught, but also are very misinformed and embarrassing. Check out Lahren's attack in particular on YouTube and you'll see why.
Speaking of YouTube, if you ever look under the comments of the clip, you'll see some people still don't like it or get the satire of it. Funnily enough, they're white, but anyway...

I'm glad this came about to put the dumb white crybabies' whines in the spotlight and show how misinformed they really are. It's discerning and even pathetic that people like them just won't realize the real dangers and issues in front of them involving blacks and other ethnicities in this country, and just choose to ignore it, or even show their true colors when trying to give their own responses on this.
Oh, on the skit itself, it's balls-out hilarious. The satire is accurate on the subject, the humor hits the nail on the head, and the reactions by the blacks in the crossfire is perfect and also accurate.
The aspect of it being a movie trailer wasn't needed though; take that out, and it's the same thing, but apples to oranges, it's still brilliant either way. I LOVED this one.

"Honey?! [...] Beyonce...is Black!" - Wife (Aidy Bryant)
"Hot sauce in my bag/swag?? What does that mean!?" -Man (Beck Bennett)
"Maybe...this song isn't for us." -Other Man (Bobby Moynihan) /
"But usually everything is!!" -Other Woman (Cecily Strong)
...
"But what about The Pink Panther movie!?" -Another Woman (Kate McK)
"Okay, yeah, she was white in that." -Black Man (Kenan)
…
"What's goin' on out there?" -Black Man #2 (Jay Pharaoh)
"New Beyonce Video." -Black Man #3 (Michael Che)
(why is he still a featured member again?)
"Ohhhhh."
…
"Karen! That is MY daughter." -Black Woman (Leslie Jones)
"Oh, that's right. Thank God." -Karen
"Thank God?? Really!?"
--
There's also one where Kyle Mooney tried to challenge Kanye to a freestyle battle, but that was predictable (although that was the joke), and Kanye pretty much savagely killed Kyle.

Poor guy; never stood a chance.

Dammit, pretty much all of them.

---


Oh Kanye West. Sweet, sweet Kanye West.
You never stop finding ways of making us hate you:
ruining Taylor Swift's moment at the 2009 VMA's, almost ruining (and then spectacularly ruining) Beck's moment at the 2015 Grammys, by saying that Beyoncé is "the - of artistry" and that major award organizations should give major awards to her, the marriage to Kim Kardashian, the album Yeezus, that interview with BBC Radio 1 where you probably pissed off our Lord and Savior and everyone who believes is Him (again) saying that you are a god, and this recent single where you said you might have sex with Swift and that you called her a bitch, proclaiming that you could've made her famous (there is so much wrong with that one). And the creepy part about all of this is? All of this somehow is tied to Taylor Swift and Beyoncé (is he ... infatuated with her? Is he in love with her? He does know she's married to his mentor and best friend?)

There's always a moment where you make yourself the biggest douche in the world. Sometimes I think it all has to be an act to keep in relevant in the public eye, whether we like it or not. Or maybe this has something to do with the passing of his mother?
(If so, I really feel sorry for him.) But I just get too annoyed with him to continue thinking that.

Wait, what was I talking about? ...
Oh yeah, his SNL performance. Greeeaaat. So even more crap.

Oh wow, that first performance. That was shit.
I don't think I've felt more white people feel uncomfortable about a black performer performing nothing about the dark undertones of black history since Beyoncé released the "Formation" video(--dammit!). But if anything, I don't blame them.
The performance, contained a multitude of the F-word AND the N-word. When I was watching live, I honestly thought I was the only one hearing it. It's like it's the BET Awards but no one bothered to sloppily press the Censor button. I swore I was the only delusional nut thinking all that. But as it turns out, according to an article on Fuse.tv, everyone watching the performance heard the Multitude of Swears. And for that I ask...WHY, LORNE? WHY?? Why did this performance go uncensored? Did Kanye pay you, the producers, everyone on set, and the execs at NBC to let you perform this? If so that explains why he's $53 million in debt. But that's still no excuse! Also it's no excuse for him to suck so bad here.
On the upside, Kelly Price makes her first TV appearance in years (at least to me) and performing music in a long time (again, at least to me) during both songs.
And she was fantastic.
Her vocals were truly amazing, and proves that she was and still is one of the best R&B performers of all time. Also, The-Dream was another singer in both performances (I haven't seen him in the music scene in a long time also, although that's for the better). He did really good.

Speaking of fantastic, Chance the Rapper made a surprise return (why I said surprise because I haven't listened to The Life of Pablo--and after this, I don't think I will) to Studio 8H, performing his verse in "Ultra Beam Lights", which was FIRE.
And Kirk Franklin, El DeBarge, Young Thug and A$AP Bari also appeared in the live set. But I wouldn't be surprised if you all haven't the slightest clue who almost none of them all. And yet in the end, Yeezy himself steals the lime...light (heh)...from everyone else by being a delusional ass pretending he's still as holier-than-thou as the man Himself. Showmanship at its best.

And if that all wasn't enough to make your head roll like Reagan in The Exorcist, let's get to the songs themselves.
"Highlights" is just garbage.
At first, I thought the VO of this woman was Beyoncé--driving home his little "crush", then some of the worst lyrics of his career.
GoPro rhyming with Go Pro (the spacing matters here)? Fuckin'. Genius!
Then he drives home his bragging about bagging Kim K as his wife, by dogging Ray J. Of course, he's not rich, but is it worth shitting on each other when you two are fighting over a reality show ho nobody nobody likes, and it makes you two look like dumbassholes?
"Ultralight Beams" is just blasphemous.
It's about how he's like Jesus after his crucifixion. It has a great slow beat, and a wonderful choir performing with a "gives me life" vibe almost nothing else can duplicate. I freaking love Kelly Price's vocals and the verse by Chance the Rapper. I liked this song better than the other one.

If it wasn't for Price, The-Dream, DeBarge, Chance, Kirk Franklin or even Young Thug, this would've been an absolute fucking waste of time. Granted, anything with Young Thug is a fucking waste of time, but still.

Say what you will about Kanye being an asshole in real life (I mean, sure, go ahead-it's true), but like it or not, he does make some damn good music (These two songs are not). There's a reason he's still called a genius. And a dick, but a genius too.

Time for an Update:
Part 1:

Part 2:

Skipping Jost & Che's performance, since we know what they're like now, I really enjoyed the joint-joke on Donald Tramp's incessant interruptions of his fellow candidates at the Republican debate.

Leslie Jones returned yet again to verbally molest Colin and then give a story on her love life. Again. But hey, Valentine's Day!

This was pretty funny. Still some one-note elements thrown in to not make it hilarious, though.

Wraparound:
Melissa McCarthy was a great host previously, and is still a great host here. But the writing tries so hard to hilarious to her strengths. Half of the time...it works. But I got really annoyed with some of the jokes because of that, and it fails.

I hope to see her again next season or in another couple years, and then she will make the Five-Timers club, and there will be a celebration.

ConcluSLoN:
This episode was funny, but not really memorable. I wish another artist was performing and this would go higher in my list of favorite episodes. And I blame Kanye for that. And a lot of other things.

Well, it's probably gonna come after this comes, but in a few hours my review of Episode 14 is released, hosted by another four-time host (who probably also appeared at the 40th Anniversary Show) Jonah Hill, with music from Future, an artist I hate. Boy, this oughta be good!!
See you soon.

SNL 41 Review: Episode 12 -- Larry David & The 1975

Larry David is a rude old curmudgeon. And we love him for that.
When he appeared during this season as Democratic presidential nominee Bernie Sanders, he pretty much not only fit the bill in every way (looks, voice, behavior and mannerisms), he blew us all away. He became one of the highlights of the season as Sanders.

--

The CO features nothing but Fred--uhh, Ted Cruz, despite being an unlikable, uninteresting, strange-looking creature, bragging about his recent success in the thing I shouldn't want to type anymore.

While this wasn't the best CO, this was still pretty funny and very enjoyable.
Taran Killam was still as great as ever as Cruz, laying on even more talent and charm into and out of the impression. So this was his funniest moment since "I have what doctors call a punchable face." Also, Kate McKinnon was just as (if not more) hilarious playing Cruz's daughter. All she did was come in with this weird, stilted-looking face and say "No." in a quick enunciation, of course as she wants to leave.
This was a really good start to a very damn great episode. (As if you thought it wasn't).

--

Larry came to the main set for his Monologue, and felt he had to talk about his life.
And...it's not really good.

It was very good (the Mono, not Larry's life; that sounds pathetic--and that's coming from ME). It was laugh-a-minute and very enjoyable as well. He kept us on our funny bones and never stopped until he mentioned The 1975. This was one of the best Mono's of this season.

--

And now to this week's sketches-which were [SPOLERS!] fucking gut-busting.
Starting with...

"FBI Simulator"
ALL HAIL KEVIN ROBERTS!

I'll start with a couple minor cons:
The timing felt off at times (but that's thanks to Live thing) and the acting at the start from Cecily and the cast playing the potential FBI operatives was pretty stilted (again, the Live thing), but it does give some really funny moments.

But the best parts came from the simulations. My god, that was side-splitting. The biggest laughs--of course--came from Larry David as Kevin Roberts. He clearly didn't sound like the regular schmutz who came out on stage earlier. It's someone spiked sugar and enthusiasm into his drink. And it helped a lot. It's clear that his part in the sketch has become the most meme'd part of the entire show all throughout the following week, and it has to be. That was fucking hilarious! (He needs to come back sometime. If he can appear as Bernie Sanders, he should appear again as Kevin Roberts
Also, I feel sorry for the female plant standing behind Kenan and Cecily. She was just dominated by everyone else. But it's all good. She's a (probably a writer) plant on SNL! Good for her.
Best Sketch of the Week. Hands. Down.

Fave Lines:
Simulations-
"I'M HIGH ON BATH SALTS!" -Old Female Threat (Leslie Jones)
…
"I'm Kevin Roberts, and I'm the coolest bitch in town!" AND
"I'm Kevin Roberts! And I got a very important question: Can a bitch get a doughnut?!"
AND "I just reached second base!...with a lady."-Kevin Roberts
"Have you seen my friend Kevin Roberts? Cause I got that bitch a doughnut!" -Friend of Kevin Roberts (Bobby Moynihan)
--
Trainees-
"I couldn't get a read on the man in a neon suit, holding a big ol' cell phone claiming to be the biggest bitch in town." AND "In my defense, I'm pretty confident that type of man does not exist in reality." AND "Why does Kevin Roberts have friends and a storyline!?" -O'Healy
"Did that guy just say 'Can a bitch get a donut?'" -Other Trainee (Pete Dave)
"Kevin Roberts got in my head." -O'Healy
Kevin Roberts got in all of our heads, dude. And we don't want him to leave.
--
A "Steam Ship" is about to go overboard...but one of the passengers has a problem with the format of the emergency escape plan.

This was pretty bare at the start. You can tell the guy had a problem with the escape plan from the moment you see David start talking. It was funny, yes, but it still wasn't memorable.
Then Bernie Sanders comes in. As ecstatic as it was to see him in the sketch (and this episode), it felt anti-climatic--thanks to both the hindsight from watching David's impression of Sanders during this season so far and the official announcement from his campaign team. He was great.
Some of the jokes were great satirical references to the policies he's mentioned during his campaign.
Seeing the actor and the real deal in the same place was certainly a bright spot.
I don't think this was the Best Sketch (obviously), but I really still enjoyed it.
--
At a "Songwriting Class", five potential singer-songwriters get lessons and advice from their teacher. One of them gives some...interesting choices in rhymes.

There isn't much to love about this. Or even like. Most of the jokes came from David as Russ, but they weren't laugh-out-loud great. Because they have little to say, the other cast members weren't really needed. At least one of them wouldn't have been written in, and nothing much would've changed.
This is definitely the Worst Sketch this week.

Fave Lines:
"In the creek, I see a frog/
Watch as he leaps, over a--" -Jason
"Frog house"
and
"Tall FROG BuilDING"
...
"Buzz, buzz, look up in the trees/
Uh-oh, it's a swarm of--"
"Frogs in tiny helicopters"
and
"The Rise of the Toads!"
--
Peyton Manning and Cam Newton have a special message for their fans hours before their storied rivalry at Super Bowl 50.

Wow, these two let themselves go.

Seriously, producers. Don't you have two skinny black guys in your cast to play Newton?? Hell, even the adolescent is a much better choice. Hell, even Sasheer Zamata is better!
I'm sorry, but that's the only gripe I have here.
The rest of this was really funny.
--
Finally here, a night at a bar turns into some smooches. Some disgusting, nauseating, truly-not-must-see-TV smooches.

I always loved this sketch, but it really feels formulaic (Weird, wasted woman says some dumb things with some drunk guy and then they kiss), but it was creepily brilliant the first time. This version feels like a one-trick pony. But thanks to David, it breathed some new life, which made me happy.

And that blindfold glasses prop is really cool. I so want one.

Fave Lines:
"Hey, Bartender. Give me a Kentucky Nightcap.
That's a Bourbon with a Tylenol PM floating in it." -Ace Chuggins
...
"The seat I'm on is wet, and it is my fault." -Sheila Sorvage
...
"What's your name, sweetie?" -Ace Chuggins
"It's Sheila Sorvage. You can remember that,
because if you mix up the letters, it almost spell Vagisil." -Sheila

...
"You're thinking of a different Ace.
I work as a before model for teeth whitening ads." -Ace
...
"Something is happening here."
"Oh, something is happening."
"Yeah, it's called an outbreak.
And it's time for you Zika viruses mutate on out of here." -Bartender
--
This week's sketches were consistently good and funny. There was one weak spot here, but all else was really good. The cast did great. The most memorable members for me were Kenan (during "FBI Simulator", and "Last Call"), TKill (for his Ted Cruz performance in the CO), Moyni and K
---

Now on to this week's Pre-Tapes, both of which show just how much a cynical and unreasonable grump David really is...again.
First off, "Bern Your Enthusiasm".

Bern Your Enthusiasm
Larry David stars as Bernie Sanders in "Bern Your Enthusiasm."
Posted by Saturday Night Live on Sunday, February 7, 2016

This spoof of David's own beloved HBO series "Curb Your Enthusiasm" centers on his impression of Sanders at a rally in Iowa (seriously should've been New Hampshire, but hey, meh), where he faces some potential voters who don't have time for his honesty (because he doesn't have time for their crap).

I've never watched CYE very much (mostly because of HBO, but also even during its' very short lived stint in syndication). But I definitely get the gist of this.
Seeing David as Sanders is always a welcome sight, but mixing the latter him with the former's show is genius. Especially because we haven't seen New episodes of CYE in over four years.
--

This week's musical guest is The 1975, a British alternative band who...does things that make them popular, apparently. Seriously, I don't know much about them, other than their name, which sounds like a name they thought up during their formation when they got high on uppers and decided to stick with it because years in a name are good enough for originality and hipster-ality. Meh.
Anyway, they were pretty awesome.

I like their sound—clearly modern alternative rock with splashes of retro rock and new wave thrown in. It's
really relaxing even, as the smooth sounds even calm me down for the time being. Even during the choruses.

The title of their latest album, their second--and I'm not kidding when I'm writing this-- is I Like it When You Sleep, So You Are So Beautiful, Yet So Unaware of It (Huh, charming and creepy), with two songs being performed here--"Love Me" and "The Sound"--being singles from the record.

"The Sound" is everything.
The funk production is brilliant, along with the fun, upbeat, happy vibe from it; the catchy-ness of the chorus (along with a backing choir singing it); and that guitar solo from . All of this make this song great in my mind, and makes me a fan of the band.


Then there's "Love Me", pretty much this decade's "Fame" by the late, ever-so-great David Bowie (at least in production). But according to lead singer Matty Healy, it's something more.

"It came from jamming. We're big Talking Heads fans, big Scritti Politti fans, and Japan as well. "Love Me" was just three years of being on the road and not wanting to soundcheck the same song every night. That riff just happened. "Love Me" sounded bombastic and ridiculous and a bit arrogant and I was like, "That's what it needs to be about. The rock star buying into his own self-constructed mythology." We found ourselves, as a band, being immersed in a world we didn't feel part of. So it's just… love me, if that's what you want to do."

Even though this is the first time I've heard their music, I could actually believe this.

The production is great, with the slick licks of Adam Hann's guitar especially being amazing and catchy, and wraps up the lyrics of cocky-yet-caring self-worth and growth within so perfectly. And Healy's vocals were just as great, as without the backing choir from "The Sound", he can do just as badass on his own. I love this performance as well.


These performances were awesome. Lead singer Matty Healy was superb; but for me, the unsung hero was lead guitarist Adam Hann and bassist Ross MacDonald, who really pulled me in with their performances on the strings, even with everything else being just as amazing for me. It's really the music from the band that makes me love them.

The 1975's second studio album (*sigh*) I Like It When You Sleep, So You Are So Beautiful, Yet So Unaware of It is available now. I definitely suggest you go get it.
---

DEREK ZOOLANDER WAS ON UPDATE!! *cough* Excuse me.

Time for an Update:
Part 1

Part 2


I loved their "Braking News" jokes on the New Hampshire Republican debate that happened earlier in the evening where Ben Carson wandered aimlessly from the entrance to the area.

Kate McKinnon appeared as Turvy Barbie aka Barb, a discarded model of new version of Mattel's Barbie brand, in which the iconic doll is redesigned to many women's body types to reflect today's women--not just skinny and plastic. She had her thoughts on her being rejected.
This was hilarious. A genius take on the new body type Barbie dolls, McKinnon works the role like she is a Barbie doll--prefect, normal, ready to take on the world, funny and weird. She can do anything as any role, and this rejected Barbie--I mean Barb reflects this.

If you thought Bernie Sanders was the big surprise, you're mistaken. This was.

When I saw them during the goodnights, I was so shocked to see them I dropped my remote, forgetting that they were on Update. That was brilliant.

Best Sketches:
FBI Simulator (ALL HAIL KEVIN ROBERTS!)
Steam Ship
Best Pre-Tape:
Ben Your Enthusiasm

Worst Sketches:
Songwriting Class
dishonorable mention-
Super Bowl Greeting from Cam & Peyton

Wraparound:

ConcluSLoN:
This episode was fucking hilarious and brilliant.

Toony Tuesday 2016: Pig Goat Banana Cricket

Hey, everyone! Today, I'm Toony Tuesday-ing a Nicktoon! ...yay.

When I was a kid, I usually felt overjoyed to spend every weekend watching Nicktoons. Whether at home with my mom and family or spending weekends with my dad, one constant presence was those 30-minute adventures--and misadventures--with our favorite shows: Rugrats, SpongeBob, Rocko's Modern Life, The Angry Beavers, Ren & Stimpy, KaBlam, Fairly OddParents, Jimmy Neutron, ChalkZone, Avatar: The Last Airbender--and a few others during Nick's Golden and Silver Eras. They were all perfect viewings for me and my siblings during childhood, and can still great views on TeenNick during The Splat--uhh, NickSplat (sigh).
Hell, even the name Nicktoons was something special. It's as if it's something special and completely different from other networks' animated offerings.
"It's not cartoons, it's Nicktoons."
Geddit?? Because...it's like HBO?? You know..."It's not TV"? And both are different entities??? *cough* Anyway...

Nowadays, Nickelodeon has become a very crap network with original shows (both animated AND live-action) that are just obnoxiously unfunny, horrifying terrible and yet discerningly popular. Almost none of the shows on the channel have anything of value, worth, quality and watchability. And yet millions watch them.

Now, don't get me wrong: Nick also has some really awesome Nicktoons today, too. Harvey Beaks, The Legend of Korra, Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and a few others I can't remember--because I really don't watch the network anymore--are examples of Nick still having faith in themselves to air more-than-decent cartoons, and us having enough faith in them for making such programs.
This one I'm discussing today isn't one of them. ...I think.

It's Pig Goat Banana Cricket. (...why?)



This series, which premiered on July 18, 2015, created by Dave Cooper and Johnny Ryan, is based on a comic published by Nickelodeon Magazine (remember that? good times.) and developed from a short clip by animator Nick Cross on YouTube from 2012 -- called Pig Goat Banana Mantis!

(I don't know which animation is more attrocious--
PGBCricket or PGBMantis? It's more or less a tossup for me.)

Now, the reason for the difference between names is because, after it got picked up by Nick, the name had to be changed--along with the fourth-in-line character. That's thanks to another character on another Nicktoon that has the same name (and species): Mantis from the aforementioned Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Awesomeness. So the name (and species) was changed to Cricket.
It's pathetic that Nick continues to go to the Internet for fresh new content. Sure, other networks do it too, as video sites such as YouTube have become perfect places for TV show pilots and short films, in the hopes of a network to take interest and pick it up for something more.
But when Nick does it, it's absolutely fucking shameless.
AwesomenessTV, ReactToThat and Breadwinners are perfect examples.
But...does it matter?



This show is kinda gross.
The animation is disgusting.
The title sequence alone had me coming close to upchucking. There's always close-ups that are insanely gross, and--well, every almost every shot is kinda gross. Even when nothing gross is happening, despite being intentional, it still looks sloppy and unappealing. One of the main culprits of this is anything that comes out of your head--snot and pus, along with other gross things that can come out of you. Understandably, this can have appeal to anyone. I'm not usually one of them, so I'll give it a little pass.

The characters are questionable (I guess in a good way)
-Pig is an idiot with an obsession with pickles
-Goat is a sweet and cheerful singing hopeful...and is also probably bipolar
-Banana is an asshole with a love for video games and food, and
-Cricket is a crazy good mad scientist...and target for bullcrap
The worst of the bunch is Pig. I hate slow-minded characters and he is one of them. He's not as bad as other dumb Nick characters like Cosmo and Patrick (remember-they're the worst), but I still can't stand his failure to grasp basic thought and cognitive speech.
And one thing I can't stand about Cricket is that he's the show's Chew Toy. he gets treated like crap a lot, and is the basis for jokes like this. It's annoying and serves no purpose. I can take a few Butt Monkey jokes in a show--maybe even enjoy them. But seeing either so many little jokes or a few big ones in every episode (maybe even one) is enough to piss me off. Even if I hate a character, that is too much to deserve this treatment.
While I don't love these characters (I damn sure don't identify with them either), I actually don't hate them either. While they have tics that will get on my nerves, there is something that still draws me to them.
It has to be the actors voicing them--
Matt L. Jones as Pig
Candi Milo as Goat
Thomas F. Wilson as Banana
and Paul Rugg as Cricket
--that make me like them more than I thought. Yeah, that's it. Well, one of them.
These actors really bring these characters to life, and give them a lot of personality, even if a couple layers of them don't well with me. This has to be one of my favorite elements of this series. So it doesn't surprise me much that the voice of Dexter, Snap and Madame Foster; that guy from Mom and the voice of Hector; Biff Tannen himself; and the voice of frickin' Freakazoid! make up one of the series' best parts.

The humor is, of course, Nick's specialty: pathetic idiotic humor that caters to the lowest common denominator with toilet jokes, shock jokes, unneeded violence, crap past the radar, and idiotic behavior abound. You know...for kids. Obviously, I can't stand humor like this, as it will make me lose a few IQ points every minute I keep watching shit like this. But sadly, this is what gets Nick over these days in reasons of popularity and monetary. So you'll be seeing a lot of this in a lot of its shows--this one included.

Somehow, despite the many examples of gross humor displayed here, this is actually kinda tame. Sure, it comes at you--and you will experience a degree of nausea, but sometimes, it doesn't make me groan. All I can do is react with a little indifference and groan a little. Don't know why, but that's all I get from it. And it's kinda scary.

Another thing I kinda really like about Pig Goat Banana Cricket (ugh) is this little format style each and every episode. Each of the four titular main characters get an act of each episode to him/her-self, bookmarked by one of their names popping up in an graphic frame--with the name shouted by a random group of kids as heard in the title sequence. Also--like shows like Fosters, Gravity Falls and both Avatar series--each episode follows one story, instead of two in a two-shorts format.
I really like this, as I've never seen something like this in animation before, and is utilized very well. So much so, it makes me wonder why I'm still into this series when I should hate it like everyone else.
And speaking of not really hating it when I should, the humor isn't that baseless either. I don't rage as much as I do with any joke by Cosmo or Mikey from TMNT or any other character from The Sponge, and I do find some jokes funny.

Also, despite the tics of each character that might annoy me, all of the titular characters aren't really annoying themselves most of the time. They're actually better-written than most characters on some other Nicktoons.


In short...Pig Goat Banana Cricket isn't that bad of a Nicktoon. It's obnoxiously disgusting and it's pretty irritating too. ...And at times, pretty good and funny. It's not as bad as most people make it out to be. And that's it.
So...if you want, to curb your interest, please check it out. And if you still don't like it, that's fine. It's not a great Nicktoon, but in my opinion, it's one of the better Nicktoons of the decade on the negative side of the spectrum.

Thanks a lot guys, for checking out another Surprise Review.
I'm Andrew, and I'll see you again soon.

Toony Tuesday 2016: "The Big Fairy Share Scare!" (Fairly OddParents Season 10 Premiere)

When I heard that The Fairly OddParents would return for its ninth season, my thoughts were exactly the same as everyone else's: "What!? Really?? Okay. I'm curious." Then the premiere came. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??" And no, I'm not talking about the episode itself, I'm talking about Sparky, the latest character to be added to the main group, which wasn't needed at all. I was fine with baby Poof, as he was a good addition to the family, and wasn't much of an annoying focus point from the producers. I didn't watch FOP as much after season 5 or 6 (I don't remember; I went out on a high...or we stopped having cable. Either one you'd believe more.), so I went back to it, to see what the new character was. I was curious to see what Sparky would be like. And...yeah, he's terrible. He's obnoxious, he's rude, he's loud, he's not a great companion to Timmy (more like compainion) and his voice is grating.

Oh yeah, I forgot, this season.
Well, when I first heard that the OddParents was renewed for a tenth season--actually, I never really noticed it was still on the air; I was watching other, better cartoons. But when I first heard that it was renewed, it was what everyone else's reaction was. But to paraphrase: "WHAT!?! Why the hell is this still on the air!?! Why would Nick still cling onto this??" And the answer was the same with SpongeBob: MONEY.
But the fact the Nick won't let it end already--or even years ago, it just baffles me. Even if I know that Nick can and will keep it's most popular shows on the air for financial purposes, and neglect it's more better shows, it shows how money-hungry and pathetic in business-ethics it is like it always was for years.

See the video by psychobabbles parodying theFineBros in my rant on them and you'll exactly see what I mean.

There some tidbits of Season 10 that I shall address here that shows the continued downfall of the once-beloved animated series:

-THE THEME SONG HAS CHANGED.

For the previous nine seasons, the theme was very memorable, very catchy and very awesome. Orchestra instrumentation; a choir singing the lyrics; a quick, fun, whimsical and goofy tone. it was just a perfect piece of music with lyrics to match that tells what the series is all about perfectly.
And you WILL sing to it at least every other time it comes on.
That is, until this season. And...Out of the blue, without warning, we get this.

This...isso wrong...on so many levels.
First off, taking the choir away and replacing them with two singers who have to explain this garbage sludge of a story arc (Then, the garbage sludge of a story arc itself, which I'll get too later). And they don't sound right. They're trying their darndest to sing like the choir, but to me, they're failing. Nothing about this sounds right. The addition of Chloe; Timmy, Cosmo and Wanda saying different lyrics; the line about Jorgen; the randomness of all this is terrible (at least in the original, the random wording and lyrics work in that case); the questionable nature of it all; and the biggest offence of it all, the fact that the title sequence looks and feels more like a "clip show" episode than an actual title sequence (This element is so many kinds of messed up, I can't even count). This entire sequence feels like an insult. An insult to the fans, casual viewers, critics and even the producers/writers/directors of previous seasons (even if Butch Hartman is still working on it, it still stands).
The only good thing about this is Timmy's lyrics, which are really funny with each passing listen.
Every time I hear this even once, I feel the need to listen to the original 10 times to cleanse my brain from all the terrible and


-There is yet another new character added to the main group: Chloe Carmichael.
She's an enthusiastic blue-eyed blonde overachiever who excels in everything. She and her parents left the big city and moved to Dimmsdale, hitting it off with everyone. And Timmy doesn't like this. But it gets even worse for him when Chloe becomes Timmy's new neighbor.
Now...I'll be honest. I don't hate Chloe. I thinks She's a very adorable and likable girl, and can be a great character when played well here. But...
I just hate the situation surrounding her. She's a new character created by the producers to try to make the show interesting. And it worked...just not in the way they intended.
She's so...perfect. Disgustingly perfect. (And by way of one of the truly treasured gags that I love), she's disgurfect! Right from the very start when Crocker introduced her (while being an ugly dollar-store Dick Cavett), she's revealed to very smart, very charitable, and very heroic. Literally every inch of her personality and life are so perfect. (Just look at her house!) So much so it makes me nauseous! And all of this makes Timmy look even more like an average kid no one understands. And a loser. And the writers are trying so damn hard to make her likable with us! And that's...not...right!
And that's not counting the garbage sludge plot yet.
Huh. I guess I do hate her. Forget what I said about her being a great character. She does not have any flaws and has too much humanity. And that makes her an unlikable character. But to be more honest, there are some things I like about her. She does have a great voice actress behind her (she's voiced by Kari Wahlgren) and none of the obnoxious likeness to her isn't all her fault.

Which leads me to the other big problem with is episode.
-The fact that from now on, this will be the series' main plot.
After Chloe meets new neighbor Timmy, he has a huge problem. And no, it's not her...only.
Later in the day, Jorgen fires in to reveal a shocking (and stupid) revelation: There is a shortage at Fairy World, and because of that, many fairies have to partake in a sharing program. As in they have to be shared with more than one kid.
This negates everything this show has gone for throughout its history.
First off, there can't be a shortage at Fairy World. There has to be as many fairies as there are people on Earth. And any one can be chose as the godparent of one child. And there'd still be enough in Fairy World to go around. This makes me FURIOUS!!
Also, one kid being given two fairies and go on many amazing adventures together, where good and bad moments come in, along with teaching moments to show that not everything you want can be that easy to have or spend life with. It's best to stick with whatever life you have.
Chloe, meanwhile, is smart and obedient enough to live a great life with whatever she wants at her disposal. And she doesn't even need fairies!! She clearly has a great life without any, and can have whatever she wants does whatever she wants without any! So why does she have some?! Why should she have some?!
And even if she gets fairies, she might as well be given either Cosmo or Wanda, instead of both given passed around with Timmy like a joint at a Greg Cipes concert. Hell, she might as well have been given Cosmo, to balance intelligence and become Devil's Advocate.
But no, we get this crap.

Now onto some thoughts and problems I have about the season 10 premiere itself.
It's best to watch the episode from this link highlighted here.

--Yeah. Chloe doesn't wear sleeves. Nice screw-up, producers.
--Smart idea using the Crimson Chin episode leitmotif for a superhero TV show that's NOT the Crimson Chin!!
--Crocker continues to be a more bigger character than need be. It's happened for the last few seasons, and it's annoying. I really like Denzel, and I really enjoy some of the plots he's taken part in (the best being The Timmy/Jimmy Power Hour 3 crossover with The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron). The fact that the producers keep throwing him in episodes
--Chester and AJ are no longer main characters. Sure, it's been made clear for years, but now they're just background characters with little to no lines. And damn, it's a shame. Also, more of a shame, Timmy's other friends Sanjay and Elmer are nowhere to be seen (as of here). I know they were his "back-up" friends--and didn't appear much, but this is just sad.
--Everyone is so willing to make Chloe out to be God's gift to the world. Sure, she's likable, but I really wouldn't think people would be this welcome to a kid like her in real. Sure, I'd love to meet someone her and be her friend, but I don't think I'd want to kiss her feet every time she walks by me.
So I don't blame Timmy for having a cold shoulder.
--



--The "Fairy Share"? Worst...cartoon idea...ever.
since "the Timmy Suit".

--This episode is so grossly thrown into the trends of today.
Selfies?! Duck faces?! CRAY-CRAY?!!

LUNACY!!

ABSURDITY!!

FALLACY!!

WHAT THE HECK IS A POLAR BEAR?!?!?

(Oop. ...Sorry.)
It's just like the YouTube copy from "Video Vidiots". There is no reason these fads should be shown or mentioned on this show, continuity be damned. And it makes this episode (and possibly the series as a whole) super dated.

And then there's the episode's plot.
Thanks to Timmy wishing away Friday so Chloe won't take his--their fairies away for a DAY and causing Foop to return and cause worldwide domination, we get what would've been a nice start to a new kinship between the four (two kids and two fairies). But thanks to the hot seeping crap before it, along with the dwindling of quality like Cosmo's IQ (which is also dwindling), this episode went the way we thought it did.
Oh no, I'm sorry, continued the way it did. Because Jorgen came in already, Foop's plan was stopped and all is back to normal. WHAT!? If this happened in an earlier season, Jorgen would be there just to serve as comedy fodder, and it would've been back to Timmy and Wanda (Cosmo is off being an idiot) facing off against Foop, and then everything is back to normal.
This is a freaking cop-out! And just another example of this once beloved and revered series going down the drain in quality.

This series followed the genius and creative plot to the letter during the previous seasons. Even the worst seasons had some real good moments. It's just sad to see it end up this way.
This episode was really questionable and swerved in morals and clarity that I'd get tongue-tied and confused even if I've only heard about the episode in word-of-mouth.
I kinda really like Chloe Carmichael--and I kinda don't, but we have to get used to her from now on. She's now a godchild to Cosmo and Wanda (even though she doesn't really need them).
It's clear years ago that the writers have ran out of ideas and that now they're just waterboarding the dead horse to keep it going. And now that this series is at ten seasons, it clear that no matter how much they try, there is nothing worth watching or getting excited or waking up on Saturday mornings for anymore.

Fairly OddParents, goodbye. For now.

1 Season Wonder: FЯED: The Show

It's this guy...

...with his own TV show.
Prepare the world for a new Cold War.

It's FЯED: The Show.

Honestly, I don't know why this shit stain of a show existed. We had to fuckin' deal with this cumbag character for the past decade since his days on YouTube. Sure, it was funny at first--that is until you have to hear his super high-pitched voice squawk over...and over...and over...and over again. Plus, the shit he does is stuff for metal hospitals to fight over for eho gets the dibs to dig into.
He's like SpongeBob with an even higher level of ADHD! So...he's like SpongeBob.

Well, after the YouTube channel reached even more higher levels of popularity, some idiot decided to take advantage of the FЯED fЯanchise and turn it into a movie. Thus we later have FЯED: THE MOVIE. It's FЯED being FЯED at an older age. That's it. Just him squawking around about dumb shit for about 90 minutes. Oh, and other people are seen in the film too.All I can say is, the best parts of the film were his age advance to 15 (as he can't spaz out every 10 seconds at 6 anymore) and John Cena (yeah, I did write that).
Of course, despite its high ratings during its September 2010 premiere on Nickelodeon, it tanked critically. And when it was released in the UK and Ireland, it failed to make back its budget (of $4 million). Hell, one guy reviewing it for BBC Radio called it worst cinema experience of that year.

So what did Nick do after all of that? They gave him another movie. TWO in fact.
All three of the films are mindless, soulless, unfunny, obnoxious, pretentious, unwanted fat bags of heaping hot garbage. So yeah, it's best not to watch.

So why are here? Oh, that's right--FЯED: The Show.

Oh, okay. Uhh...This show features FЯED...and it is shit.

Okay, that's the review. See you later!!

"No you ugly libtard!! You made that stupid poll we didn't take!                  And now you're gonna do this shitty review of this shitty show.                      Give us what we didn't ask for!!!!"

Jesus! *sigh* Fine. Damn you, self.

Okay, this show basically features FЯED (the character created by Lucas Cruikshank) doing anything that strokes his creepy little ego (or his stroke, as it seems he acts like he has one all the time) and ends up failing each and every time.
Remember the old saying "It's not the destination, but the journey"?
Well, there's a double meaning here.
While FЯED's destination changes depending on the episode, the journey is always the same (just like his YouTube videos): he does some shockingly stupid and painfully unfunny crap, some people react and runs around screaming, whining and crying (probably in every other scene).
And our destination is to watch something better (hell, even Planet Sheen is better than this dreck; at leat their writers can churn out an actual story) but somehow, our  we still have to watch this. And the journey is to get to the end of 

Even if he's 16, he's still fucking annoying! The digitally alteЯed voice grinds my gears every time even as if a sigh comes out of his affected pie hole! And that face just makes it worse. Every reaction is creepy; whether he's excited, shocked, horrified, happy, sad, scared, cringed, horny, ect.--it's always a weird sight. Sometimes, they're close to the same face.

Cruikshank may have some talent for the Internet, but that same old talent just won't work on television. And before you say "how the fuck do you know? You don't have any talent!"
1) I know. I have limits in my life (there are few), and being a YouTube whore is one 
2) I've watched a lot of YouTube videos and TV shows in my life;
rarely any talent from the Internet can transplant to television. FЯED isn't one of those rare times.

A bit about the otheЯ characters:
-His mother Hilda is lazy and has not much to do. She dresses like she shouldn't and has the woЯst Valley Girl accent ever; it's slow and pretentious, and makes you want to hear white noise as a better alternative.
-His friend Bertha is an emo girl who gives no fucks about eveЯything. I wouldn't be annoyed with her, but considering the show she's a part of, I couldn't do that if I tried.
-Kevin is his enemy. I don't know why; he's obnoxious, he's a kiss-up . In one episode, it's revealed that when they were kids, him and Kevin were best friends. I don't know about you, but I ever was even acquaintances with that schmutz, I'd want to be his enemy later on in my life, too.
-There are other characters too, but I have enough of a life not to go there.

I would ask the question of why the Nick execs even give the FЯED franchise attention, but of course it comes down to money.

I would ask about why this show had to be picked up, but we all heard that before.
Oh wait. I WILL ask that!!
Why the hell did we need this excЯement of a shamelessly-Яipped-fЯom-the-InteЯnet TV show? It seЯves no puЯpose but to give us moЯe FЯED than we Яeally needed (none). It's just a lot moЯe minutes of FЯED being a neaЯly mentally-challenged boy spazzing out at the woЯld and the woЯld not Яeacting with a gun shot between the eyes. This guy--THIS FUCKING GUY--is iЯЯitating as all hell, and he wants to do whateveЯ he wants! But he can't do that with scЯeaming and cЯying and yelling at us with his fucked-up, talks like a chipmunk with a thimble tickling his ass, digitally-affected voice!! There is no stoЯyline woЯth a damn, no chaЯacteЯs woЯth a damn, no locale woЯth a damn, no woЯds  woЯth a damn. NOTHING IS WOЯTH A DAMN IN THIS SHOW!!
God, eveЯything about this show is a waste of studio time, cameЯa work, cateЯing and eveЯything else. AVOID THIS SHOW LIKE A PLAGUE.

Why It's a Wonder: Nick sucking off Uncle Moneybags...or Яafi Fine.

And there it is: FЯED: The Show. The twelfth seЯies to be added to the Hall of One Season WondeЯs.

It should've gotten less...
And I'm glad FЯED Figglehorn is no longer a Яelevant thing. Good luck to Lucas CЯuikshank on whateveЯ he'll be doing in the futuЯe.

I'm AndЯew PollaЯd, and I'll see you guys lateЯ.

Я

Beauty is the Eye of the Douchebag

Who knew someone has a problem with a average looking celebrities?

So I was screwing around on Facebook last night and I came across this link from the page of Cheech and Chong to an article on AllNight.com, where the writer, Brandon Bombay, compiled a list of some of Hollywood's leading beauties and hunks before they became adults. But here's the point: those beauties and hunks were "ugly" when they were kids.

First off, yes I do like a page by weed aficionados Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong. My taste in likes on FB is so broad.

Second, calling the actors featured ugly is a complete and total offense to them! Do you know how conscience these people are about their looks and how much self-worth they have because of them? You try to make them look so small by tearing them down because of how they looked like when they were younger vs. what they look like today, but you end up looking like an asshole daring to say so in front of everyone on the Internet.

I'm gonna tell you this: the celebs in the article (I won't type their names to protect the innocence, you'll have to look for yourself) are beautiful now, and they damn sure were beautiful then. I damn well remember the times I was grossed out by the star of Little Miss Sunshine, how I gagged at the large sight of the second titular character of Drake & Josh during seasons 1 and 2, how many jokes I made at the recurring star on Boy Meets World, how many pictures on Entertainment Tonight I had to stomp my right foot on the floor for of that girl that later became one of the biggest music superstars on Earth, and the times I would cry from looking at the face of that boy from the Harry Potter films (who, by the way, looks like a real-life Wirt from Over the Garden Wall--who ALSO isn't at all ugly).
AND THAT IS ZERO!!

I never, in my life, thought any of the people featured in the article were ugly. I knew they looked normal then (and in almost all cases, that's the point), but none of them are even remotely ugly. It's like saying Larry David is ugly. In fact as you keep going and going deeper and deeper into the post, you'll see that none of the young famous names are ugly at all! He just threw them in there just to cause a shitstorm and gain notoriety for the website, stroke some creepy ego he has, or reveal an ugly envy he has toward them because he himself probably was ugly when he was a kid.
It's like this is a joke from some site like The Onion, but it's not. This is serious.
It's pretty cruel for someone to think that, let say that, so to see this article about is, makes my head shake and come close to screaming. And none of them had their faces under nips and tucks, so in that case, you may have an argument, but they never succumbed to plastic surgery.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself to even think up this idea, let alone post it online. I may be ashamed of some of the crap I post on my website, but this garbage wannabe-Buzzfeed abomination should not have existed.

Fuck you, Brandon Bombay, for creating, writing and posting this shit!
Fuck you to the people who actually agree with his opinion!
(which be the way is fine. It's just a shitty opinion)
Fuck you, AllNight.com, for actually agreeing to this! (this site is a click-bait joke)
And Fuck you, Cheech and Chong Facebook page--and the person controlling it, for even sharing this for in the first place, and saying "Quite a change" in the byline!

Short/Long Music Review 2016: February

Welcome back, everyone, to Short/Long Music Review.
This month on the Billboard charts have seen quite some movement. Some new songs have debuted in the Top 10, including one that became the first hit by the artist who, after leaving his universe-famous group, has more number-one hits than they do (ONE). (hah, pathetic!). Also, some hit songs took huge tumbles, while others rose in popularity.

Let's check them out.

Starting with "Pillowtalk", the debut single by solo X Factor UK auditionee-turned One Direction member-turned whiny, petty, wannabe emo solo artist Zayn Malik (or as he is now known as ZAYN).

This song immediately shot to the top of the Hot 100 upon release, thanks to buzz from an interview with Fader Magazine, by pretty much trying to negate everything he's done with One Direction by saying he was unhappy about it; curiosity from fans about what tones and topics will be featured in his own music, and what the former member of the biggest boy band in the world will prove in his first steps away from the band.
It's a shame that the first time I heard, because of his Irish accent, I can't understand much of what the hell he's saying. Plus, while it succeeds in conveying a sexual relationship with the fix'ins--pain, confusion, love and hunger for orgasm, along with fantastic imagery and graphics throughout; it also feels like artsy-fartsy nonsense that I think tries to teach me something about love and painbut ends up showing me that it's possible for a flower to grow out of a woman's clit while appearing in a naked, spiky-faced state used for an art exhibit at the Met.

The beat is really perfect; the slow alt-R&B production and fits with the writing and tone of the track and with Zayn's vocals (even if they're so moody, that I can't understand much of what he's seeing), proving that this guy can make decent music on his own.

I don't think this song deserved to reach number one; I don't think it has the presence and popularity to reach the top. I can recognize the reason (it become a smash hit because everyone was curious to see what the debut of the breakup member of One Direction would sound like) and can congratulate Zayn on his instant start to success. I know in my mind that what he said in his Fader interview made him out to look like an asshole, and that he should've left if he wanted to should he had the chance, but after this song and later interview with Apple Music's Beats 1 Radio, I can now see with fresh eyes and a fresher mind that he had no ill will toward the other members of One Direction and felt it was his time to depart for his own career with his own sounds and words in tow. I wish him good luck in the future.
--

"Work" - Rihanna ft. Drake

Riri is back! ...I think.
I mean, she had two other songs that would be part of the tracklist for ANTI, but for some reason they're not there. Instead she retcons everything by making "Work" the first single. And...I'm cool with that. I, at best, like "FourFiveSeconds" (almost all because of her) and I fuckin' despise "Bitch Better Have My Money" (partially because of her), so this was a great change of pace.
Anyway, this is Work, the so-called new debut single off ANTI, featuring Drake. And it's...fun. Really fun.
The beat is awesome; the soft dancehall-reggae production is perfectly bright and bouncy, and the and the chorus is exceptionally catchy. Put them together and you got a wonderful dance explosion.
It's too bad the lyrics are trash. That is if you are curious as to what the questionably-gibberish lines are and search it on the lyric sites. Some of the lines are about making a romantic relationship difficult, but staying because of the good sex, and others are just plain nonsense.
Then there's Drake's lyrics:
"If you had a twin, I would still choose you"
"Sorry if I'm way less friendly/
I got niggas tryna end me, oh"
"I spilled all my emotions tonight, I'm sorry
Rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin', rollin'
How many more shots until you're rollin'?"
Yeah, even with looking up the lyrics, this is dumb crap.
But this song is still a fun track to enjoy at the club, or a cookout, or a high school dance. Or sex.
--

"Stressed Out" - twenty one pilots

This song is just like every piece of the Nostalgia Boom: Reminiscing about how great things were when you were a child. I don't mind things like this, but these are everywhere. Excuse me for getting off-topic: but I can't go through a week without learning news about a reboot/remake of an old TV show or a sequel/remake of a decades-old movie (looking at you, Disney) or movie adaption of a decades-old TV show--almost none of which are needed, and all of which are examples of Hollywood exes running to ideas and concepts that largely don't need to be touched, instead of new pilots and concepts that should be and can potentially be new hits that nearly everyone can enjoy. We can look back on old movies and TV shows and music to love again and take us away from today and back to times when young life was fun and free and amazing--and that's just cool. But to have this mentality so clearly all the time, it just annoys me.
Which beings me to this song. It's not a bad song, and gives some new insight into memories of when one was young and reaching adulthood. I can agree that it's scary and most times, and all we can do about childhood is reminisce about it. I can relate to that jazz. But it's also weird--especially when the Video is concerned. Big Wheels? Really?

Also, this line:
"I wish I found some better sounds no one’s ever heard,
I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words/
I wish I found some chords in an order that is new,
I wish I didn't have to rhyme every time I sang"
I don't know if I should laugh and find it clever or slam them on Twitter for such laziness.

This song peaked at number 2 (a great feat in and of itself), but there are better songs from them that deserve to get higher too.
--

Yet another Justin Bieber song from Purpose is a big hit. It's "Sorry". And...I really like it. (#notsorry)

This song is Justin trying to apologize to a girl for being a shitbag; either to get back into her heart...or into her pussy.
I like the arrogant, sarcastic tone Justin shows here, trying to be sincere but can't. For some reason, I can actually get behind Justin Bieber being an asshole. (Yes, I did wrote that.) At least this is better than that little cream-puff with the swoop from back in the last decade.
The writing isn't brilliant, but is still great and super catchy.

And I haven't even got to the beat. It's fuckin' awesome. The warm and sweet tropical house/dancehall beat is amazing, and creates great vibes with every listen. I couldn't take my ears off it and couldn't stop replaying after first listen.
I never thought I would love a Justin Bieber song like I did with this, but I'm cool with it.
--
And rounding out the Top 5 (at least at the end of the month),

"My House" by Flo Rida.

Flo Rida can't stop being relevant...and can't stop sucking cow teats.
"My House" is the second single from the EP of the same name, and another reason Flo is not as great as he thinks he is. Since we all know--because of the many other songs he does--what it's all about, I'll just skip to the beat. It's a very nice and pretty catchy flow, but I don't consider it his best, which is sadly ironic as it's actually an original beat, and that his better productions are those that steal beats from other songs. (Interesting progression here.)

Also, while most of it is the same old stuff we've come to expect from Flo Rida, bit of the writing is mediocre tripe.
"Yeah, you know what we is" is the worst of them. I mean, come on. Really?

In my mind, this track doesn't sound like a regular song made for the charts--or even the album it came in. It sounds like a song made for a soundtrack for a movie or a TV show or a commercial, which explains its appearance in an ad for Pizza Hut during Super Bowl 50

(apologies for the Ad playing twice. It's the fault of the channel that featured the video)

and I'm damn sure it will be shown in a TV spot for a few movies later this year. Even if the song doesn't fit with the plot of the movie.
I don't mind this one at all. It's catchy, and not that bad a song as other people make it out to be, but it's pretty underwhelming (even for a Flo Rida) as isn't as great as...other other people make it out to be. I'll play this under a good mood, but not a lot though.

---

Now that that the Top 5 has been covered, let's get to more songs.

Pop

"7 Years" - Lukas Graham
I had nothing to expect when I first heard this song.
Then he starting rap-singing.

This song is about Lukas looking back at his life during certain parts of it.
Honestly I don't like much of it. His vocals try for sincere, but end up laughable; the production tries for soft and heartfelt, but sounds more sappy and forgettable (it has to be irritating the music box sound); and the lyrics go for honest reflection, but sound either made-up or something I can't say without people scrutinizing me for saying it (must eb the rap-singing and Lukas saying "Once I was (blank) years old" twice in some lines).
I can appreciate what the song is--an autobiographical track reflecting on childhood and growing to become what he is today, a rap-singer who one day become famous. But I don't love it. All the parts are perfect and in the right place, but the execution doesn't sit well with me. And I've heard songs like this before, and I don't think this would be a favorite.
--

"One Call Away" - Charlie Puth
Ugh.

Okay, not Ugh. This is actually a better song for him. Yes, I'm saying this despite his abomination of a debut single "Marvin Gaye", but even taking the latter away, this is way better. His high-pitched voice isn't as high-pitched and whiny as in "See You Again", and the plot (doing your best to be a great friend to a shy, mousy girl) is kinda heartwarming, if not really sappy.
There are a couple minor annoyances:
-The line "Superman ain't got nothin' on me" irritates the crap out of me (Hint Hint: No, he doesn't), and that's not including the times the chorus comes in the song.

This came close to cracking the Top 10 so far, and I'm actually happy about that. It's actually a good song by Puth and should've been true debut. Granted it wouldn't be a talked about as "Marvin Gaye", but...I don't care.
--

"I Know What You Did Last Summer"
Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello
What is this?

This song is about two people in a relationship pondering what the other is doing, and trying to pry the truth out. The thing is...

There is so much wrong with this.
1) Camila Cabello, who I think is the worst member of Fifth Harmony (a bad girl group in and of itself). She doesn't have a great voice, which sounds robotic and uninteresting. She tries so hard to have a cutesy, baby-like voice like Ariana Grande; but Ariana does it better, as Camila ends up sounding on the level of a kitten screeching in a boiler room.
2) The writing, which tries to explore a dark aspect of infidelity in a relationship, but ends up straight hokey.
3) The vocals of both singers don't sound believable. They try to be convincing about the subject at hand, but I really don't buy it.

Also, the composition contains elements of Bill Withers' classic "Ain't No Sunshine", a way better song about heartbreak after a good relationship. Why? This wasn't needed, and I don't think even Bill Withers himself would be flattered with a writing credit on this.
Seriously. This song is terrible.
--

Here are six words you never expect to see: Mike Posner's back on the scene.
He's got a new song out called "I Took A Pill in Ibiza", and it's exactly what you think.

At first, it seems that Posner wrote a more sad, personal track about the bad side of a music career. But then you realize he made "Cooler Than Me", "Bow Chicka Wow Wow" and--if A Dose of Buckley's "Ten Worst Songs of 2014" video is taken to consideration--"Top of the World"; he's never going to do that. Never going to try to put out his soul for everyone to hear and sing about a painful moment of his life he wants to get off his chest. (Hell, I would enjoy "7 Years" MORE than whatever mess he'd concoct here.)
He's sad that he's not popular anymore and to stay around, he gives up most of his material possessions and goes around the world to tell people who somehow still know him to not go where he went like a fricking after-school special. Boo-fucking-hoo.

Dude, you've done enough to get yourself into this. You were a novelty act with a few popular novelty songs. Then your time went up and everyone went to the next novelty. Now you made a song about downing a drug you didn't know was by some manic fan you didn't know and felt shitty about it, expecting to feel sorry for you. Other famous singers wrote and released songs way more serious, powerful, heartbreaking and therefore better than this crap. And it isn't going to be the one to get you over the top. At least not here, as this became a big hit in Norway and the Netherlands (although that has to be because of the EDM version by SeeB which isn't that bad).

I can only wonder how this guy still has a career, when most of the songs he makes are crap, and charted like crap. Well, that line in the latter song "I could *fart* on the track and it still " proves it. I find it annoying that he's out in the world, not a care inside, doing whatever he wants, and making music that's uninteresting, soulless, shameless, unintentionally hilarious and undeserved of being hits.

Mike Posner...go away.
--

A "great princess" once brought unto us this rimesless phrase "Qu'ils mangent de la brioche"--when the village peasants have run out of bread--traditionally translated to "let them eat cake". I'm sure we of today would definitely eat cake to this next song, "Cake by the Ocean" by a band headlined by boy band veteran Joe Jonas, DNCE.

While this band has been a thing for a while now (since last September actually), I first officially met them during the broadcast of Grease: Live back last month. So I decided (days later) to play their EP SWAAY and check what they're about.

Their big hit currently is "Cake by the Ocean", which I first assumed was about a strange summer fling at the beach with more than just sandwiches and sody pop in the basket. And if a theory about that title--meaning "a slang term for 'sex on the beach'", which is thanks to the producers misunderstanding of the latter term--is true, it makes so much sense.

It's surprising I kept hearing this song in an ad for Sprint that I kept skipping on YT, and never realized it was their song. But hey, "better late than never", amirite?

But in all fairness, this song is awesome.
It's really fun, really wacky, really catchy and really sweet...like cake. The beat has an awesome funk and new wave groove that can create a perfect vibe the second it starts; the lyrics are goofy as fuck, but also works in continuing the vibe and are super catchy; and Jonas' vocals make it clear the guy is having the time of his life singing, just like the band is for playing it, and just like you will once you play it.
All of this is perfect for a good time..and any other time; just play it, and your mood is always on the up and up.

I believe this song could--can--will become a big hit come Springtime (already by the end of the month, it cracked the Top 10), and has some true potential to hold on through this Summer. I really think this song can and will be a big hit--it deserves to. And maybe just make my list of Best Pop/Indie Songs of 2016. Well, if I do one.
--

Coldplay has returned with another song with expansive and wonder-filled production and vocals from Chris Martin that will take you to another place in "Adventure of a Lifetime".

Honestly, this is one of their best singles in a while.
The beat--which sounds nothing like what they've usually did before--is mesmerizing. The elements of disco is a wonderful surprise and perfectly added. And Chris Martin Kratt's vocals perfectly blend in, giving off a vibe that he's having an amazing time while recording.
This song is very cheery for pop, very light for disco and very groovy for dance--and it all works. I know this track will become a hit later through the Summer.

---

It's funny we end one section with Coldplay, and start another with Drake, was we reach this month's picks of fuckin' chicks and suckin' dicks. It's time for...

Hip-Hop

starting with...

"Summer Sixteen" - Drake

Oh my God, this song is awesome.
The energy he gives is FIRE. He spits FIRE too. Those raps he spews just takes away all my reservations about this and his other songs and make me a true fan.
Just read all of these.
"To do what you couldn't do/
Tell Obama that my verses
Are just like the whips that he in,
They bulletproof"
-
"I coulda killed you the first time/
You don't have to try and say it louder nigga,
Trust, we heard you the first time/
It's nothing personal,
I would have done it to anyone/
And I blame where I came from,
And I blame all my day ones
You know Chubbs like Draymond/
You better off not saying nothing"
-
"All you boys in the new Toronto
Wanna be me a little
All your exes know I like my O's
With a V in the middle"
-
"How am I keeping it real
By keeping this shit to myself?
You was never gang, gang, gang, gang
You was never one of us
Had us fooled for a minute there
Now we done all grown up
But I'm better off anyway
Y'all never gonna finish Drake
Say you seeing 'bout it when you see me man
Y'all never home anyway"
-
"I used to wanna be on Roc-A-Fella
Then I turned into Jay"
DAAAAAMMMMNN.
(Also, the lines about his pool being bigger than Kanye West's was hilarious.)
Basically what he's saying is "I'm better than most of you, and y'all niggas ain't got a chance".
And quite frankly...I can believe him on that.
Hot, witty, quirky raps, the speed like a NASCAR driver at the Indy 500, the cockiness of Kanye (with even less of the ego), and the return factor that makes him even better.o
Yes, I think Drake is even better than ever ("Started from the Bottom" definitely aside.)
, , And the way he says the line "Lookin' for Reveeeeenge" was corny (but a good kind of corny), but also really catchy.
This has a big mixtape vibe (thanks to the beat--a slowed-down sample of "Glass Tubes" by Brian Bennett and-of all things-"The Question Is" by The Winans [the comments on both linked videos is unbelievable]), but is perfect for the radio. I'd definitely turn this song up anywhere I am.

Brag songs in general annoy me a bit, but honestly I can get behind a Drizzy brag song.
If when he said "I take any skeptic and turn 'em to a believer" to you then, you really wouldn't believe him.
If Views from the 6 is anything like this, I'd so cop it--illegally of course.
--

This, though, I wouldn't give to my worst enemy. He'd probably like it.

This is "Best Friend" by ... Young Thug.

...and I don't wanna play this shit.

And this...

isn't the only reason why.
Being John Malkovitch, the video is not.
--
And speaking of shitty music videos trying to emulate what partially made the 1999 film a masterpiece...

Here's "Watch Out"--by the Young Thug of 2013, 2 Chainz. A questionable song in its own right

To be honest though, the difference, between these videos, is this one is intentionally absurd, and because of that, it's actually kinda funny. And the song, despite sounding like the background music on a Wii game, isn't that bad. Sure, it's a bragging song, but the humor in it shouldn't be something that you can't angry over. And it get on my nerves, but but doesn't go off the deep end.
I still don't like 2 Chainz, and would avoid him on many costs--And I despise Young Thug, and would avoid him at all costs.
--


--


--
This next song, "Antidote" by Travi$ Scott is a big opposite.


Despite the extremely obnoxious use of Auto-Tune, the annoying lines about taking your girlfriend, popping pills, haters and their incessant hating and the many lines about "the nightshow" (including just "the nightshow")... I can handle this one. Mostly because of the beat.

That's it. Just the beat.
--
"$ave Dat Money" - Lil Dicky feat. Rich Homie Quan & Fetty Wap
This has to be a joke. (Okay, it is, but still...)

And he's white. Honestly I thought that was a shitty black rapper just now getting famous. But, nope.
Shouldn't you guys condemn him for stealing the right to take on our genre, and make shit like this? But, honestly, this is kinda funny. This song tries to be a more raunchier version of "Thrift Shop"--saving money by doing very tightwad-y things to either save or stretch a dollar, and in its form, largely succeeds.
Dicky's lines...are pretty funny, and I can get through the annoying voice, showing this is to be funny.

On the other hand, there's the featured artists--Rich Homie Quan and Fetty Wap, still mumbling their way through bullshit to the bank. Really. Even with a song parody about not doing such things, they still can't go through it without mentioning the paper, fuckin' bitches and some shit. Hell, he even mentions that in Quan's voice, and cuts it short. (Good, that guy is creepy as fuck.)

I also find it ironic that this song about saving money from mundane ways of blowing it away, features rappers who rap about doing such things and have rapper names that indicate such.

But anyway, I like this song. It grew on me, and I can get with it. Just yes to Dicky no to Quan and Fetty, though.

---

Okay washing my hands of the mostly bullshit, let's get to...

Country

where we have some newcomers to the charts, all making measly gains in 80s section after a couple weeks of life.


Kicking off this genre section, we have Chris Young and Cassadee Pope teaming up for "Think of You", a song about what used to be and what is broken now in a relationship.

In terms of vocals, both artists have a twang in their voices that almost make the lyrics indecipherable. Also, speaking of "empty space", there isn't much chemistry going on here between the two; I actually feel empty space between their vocals. And it's not just them recording their vocals, and the mixers put them together. Plus, the production is pretty bland; the muffled drums, weak guitars, no bass, and not enough punch or drive to show. I know that it's hard to move on after a strong close kinship, but this song doesn't really show it.
But despite all that--and the used up trope of the way things were and what they are now, This song is just fine. Mediocre, but fine.

Also, if my friends ask me about my ex, I'd rather just tell them we broke up and just move on from it. "If you wanna go see her, go ahead. Just stop thinking of us being together, you weird fucks!"
--

And if their situation ever continued into one like this, as shown in Dierks Bentley's "Somewhere on a Beach", the girl deserved to leave.

Really? Fucking really?? Do you really need to brag your ass off to your ex about how you found a new girl that is seemingly better than her? Do you realize that you and this girl are in a relationship just fir the fuck of it? No, not for love or emotions or a kinship. Just " she goes to the clubs and party, she got a hotter body, she's much more fun, she's a great drinker, she fucks me great"--blah blah blah. This is disgustingly obnoxious and painfully hilarious.
The tone on Bentley's vocals sounds embarrassingly cocky and arrogant, and the lyrics try to paint the ex as the bad guy; when it only makes her look she's just the used car in Dierks car garage of relationships and the new girl is the hot new sports car. But I can't see this, because he's acting like a huge smarmy lame asshole douche mocking her by showing off his new lover like a trophy--which I think she is portrayed. And all this makes me feel sorry for the ex, because there is nothing in this song that she's done as the reason as to why she and Bentley broke up and he's off railing the hot alcoholic freak of his new chick.
Plus, the production doesn't match the tone and lyrics at all.
It calls for "the end of a relationship, and it's hard to move on but it's time for a drink at the bar", but the producers didn't realize the lyrics call for "the end of a relationship...it's time for a drink with some slut that has good pussy and smoking hot tits, so forget that other girl and fuck her".
Yeah...this song is morally bankrupt ans boring as hell.
In short, it's a country-fied "Hotline Bling" with more clarity and a new girl thrown in.
FUCK THIS SONG.
--
Tim McGraw is back (possibly again), and he seems grateful, humble and kind for how far he's become in life thanks to the people who brought him there life with..."Humble and Kind".

I like this one. The soft, slow, yet rising, stirring and powerful production just moves mountains for the concept--which, while small, works wonders. McGraw looks back on his life and feel grateful for the lessons and messages of wisdom from family (especially his grandma) and the people in his life for supporting him throughout his endeavors in life. What else there is to say? I like it.

---
Okay, I usually don't listen to gospel songs voluntarily in my life. Usually, my mom turns on to the stations where we live and they're on for hours. No changing the dial, it's all we can hear. I didn't mind it when I was a kid, because I actually enjoyed them. But as I got older my like and enjoyment dwindled significantly. There were more songs I didn't listen to than songs I did want to listen to. But understandably, that's because most of them are repetitive in their topic and try so hard to be relevant and down with the young ones.
But last year was the year when I had to be disgusted with contemporary gospel music, because most of them try so hard to pander to a different crowd. The young crowd that likes hip-hop. Yeah, really.
These songs sound so terrible being two different things at the same time. And being two different things THAT SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER!! One example is Erica Campbell's "I Luh God"
(and no, that's not a typo. That's how it's written)

This song tries so hard to be hip with the young crowd by making everything this way.
Starting with this awful beat is trash. This light piano melody and trap percussion is just laughable. Even DJ Mustard could giggle at this gunk.
Then comes Erica's vocals. I listened to a lot of Mary Mary songs when I was a kid, and I always noticed that both ladies have spectacular voices. Listen to "Shackles", "Get Up", "I'm Walking" and "God in Me" and you'll see how amazing she is when she sings. Here, this is just embarrassing.
Trying to act like a gansta rapper with your vocals (or whatever the heck that is) makes you like a joke, especially compared to your previous singles.
And the lyrics are even worse. Mixing lyrics about our Lord and Savior with the mannerisms of a rapper is just pure garbage juice. And those aforementioned other songs are way better at being hip-hop-ish than this.
And then, there's the video, which looks like a parody of rap songs while being as pure as possible, but this is serious. All of this is hilarious: A woman with a large wig, a lit-up E, a girl wearing a hat tagged "Selfie", a car, and all other nonsense that just screams something Funny or Die would make up. Maybe a comedy skit at the Dove Awards (a ceremony honoring Gospel music) like Taylor Swift's "Thug Story" for the CMT Music Awards. (I wish) And back to DJ Mustard, there's even a fat black guy in the clip who looks like him, shouting "Love im, I love im" over and over, which is extremely annoying.
All of this make this song inexcusable Gospel. And I understand who would like this, but I don't understand why they would like this.
She had this to say in an online interview:

"They're used to (me) very pulled up and polished and singing 'Yesterday' and 'Help.' But, I just wanted to have fun, declare my love for God and at the same time reach an audience that I think the gospel community sometimes ignores. There is Christian hip-hop but I feel that more Caucasian children gravitate to it. So, I figured, you're my people so, let me get with my folks!"

"You're my people. Let me get with my folks."
Most of your folks would not like this. And they would laugh at this.
Erica, you're great at being polished and pulled up. It shows you have a wonderful voice and spirit, and that you can make great contemp. Gospel music. But if you're going to make crap like this, I won't see you as one of the best at this genre. Fortunately, this is only one song.

Well? Ehh. I really enjoyed some songs, but I was only overwhelmed in a few places. There is a lot to be happy about production wise, but I couldn't overlook some blandness and uninspired tripe in the writing.
-Pop has really expanded, dusting off a few old genres and making them new again, and digging deeper into others, which I do appreciate.
-Rap is still shit, filled with lines worthy of jail or a shooting range and beats worthy of an online third-party beat-making website or app.
-Country still has the mentality of morally-absent rappers (in some places) and boring beats that make you pass out then feel like you've been molested. ("Humble and Kind" is pretty good.)
-And stay away from whatever the hell genre "I Luh God" is. Or, to make it easier, stay away from Contemporary Gospel entirely.

And that does it for another month. See you all soon.