Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The Navy: Cap'n Crunch Not a Real Captain (FACEPALM)

Hiya, mates.

So I didn't read the news online that the George Zimmerman trial has began--or Edward Snowden has escaped US borders with top secret files--or even that over a 100 people died in India while all the talk was on Demi Lovato's deadbeat father died. Nope. I read the news that the United States Navy has declared that Cap'n Crunch, a very popular cereal mascot of the same-name brand from Quaker Oats, is not a real captain.



Yes, really. You see, their argument, as flimsy as I have ever heard, is that they said the Cap'n has three stripes on his uniform, instead of four as a real captain of any US law enforcement would have on his/her uniform, making the Cap'n a commander, leading them say that the Cap'n is--GASP--a fraud!! Even the Pentagon actually went so far as to say it had "no record of a Cap'n Crunch ever serving in the U.S. Navy," and they're going to have to investigate this potential "serious offense." (ugh) Apparently, this news has gone so viral, that it has gotten talk on many real news programs across the country, whether local, national, or even international. Everyone has talked about this for weeks more than any other horrible story in the world actually worth talking about. In fact the Cap'n himself has spoken about this in this video:

So there. If that should prove it. The Cap'n actually taking time to say he's still a Captain no matter what anybody says otherwise. And now, I would like to rant for a sec...

So, first off...WHY THE GODDAMN HELL IS THIS NEWS?!! This is not something the local and national news shows should be talking about or even mentioning like they're up in arms. And yes, some news sites are actually pissed at this. So what's next? The Trix rabbit's not a real rabbit, but a cat with a birth defect? Lucky the Lucky Charms leprechaun isn't really a leprechaun, but a man in a Halloween costume possessed by witches? Or, for kicks, Cheerios aren't little O's, but wheat-based ingredients shaped like vaginas? This isn't news, but it should be to show how stupid and screwed up the the Navy is for opening their mouths on this dumb subject. This is the biggest embarrassment for the US military since the CIA fired David Petraeus for having an affair on his wife behind her and his family's backs.
Secondly, why is the freaking Navy actually talking about this?! The Cap'n isn't real. He's a cartoon used for commercial and promotional use by Quaker Oats to sell Cap'n Crunch boxes. They shouldn't care about what's on his uniform, but what's in their stomach when they're eating his cereal. And like he said, he's four-fingered, eyebrows-on-hat-wearing man with a talking dog for first mate, for Crunch sakes. The Navy whining about the stripes on his uniform makes me want to facepalm as hard as I can, along with the rest of the nation, who finds this really sad on their part. And Pentagon, What the F*ck? You really, really believe that it's worth it to say that the Cap'n, a fake character to begin with, has no record of serving in the U.S. Navy and that you're launching an investigation of this potential "serious offense"? Oh My God, I hate this... This moment will be a perfect black eye on their reputation. They should have more important things to do, like send cadets to battlefield, or check if the enemy says hello with a missile strike, or worry about which cadet died so you can tell their families and forget about it later on. Make that another reason for Conan O'Brien to say Why China is Kicking our Ass. Unless I hope this is a publicity stunt. Yes, it's weird, but at least it makes sense.

And here's the hilarious and heartwarming part. People have went to social media to sing their praises to the Cap'n for being their cereal hero. Tweets, posts on Facebook, videos on YouTube, they have done it all. Even I myself have done it. I know we're all falling for a fake cereal box mascot, but it's worth it. We've all loved him in commercials for years and begged our parents to buy boxes of those delicious crunchy morsels. Here is some Tweets from the actual Cap'n Crunch Twitter page:








That's right, all these people and more have tweeted their support for the Cap'n, and he tweeted back his appreciation with this tweet:

So Cap'n Crunch, ignore the talk and stupid stuff the Navy and Pentagon have put apon you and please stay your true self. We'd love it that way. Stay the Cap'n. Oh, and go f*ck yourself, Navy and Pentagon.

Now, excuse me while the Cap'n crunchitizes me. See ye next time.
at

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