MaroonMondays Awards Review: Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards 2014

I'm not a kid anymore but I still watch the Kids' Choice Awards. It's the brightest, coolest, most colorful and humorous awards ceremony on television. I can't miss it every year and I change the channel left with a gut-busting feeling inside. Now...it feels like a light mixture of the Video Music Awards and the Teen Choice Awards, with the slime and as much craziness kept in for very good measure.

This years' host is action film superstar Mark Wahlberg. And right off the bat, Mark claimed that he would be the first KCA host to NOT get slimed. I made a bet with a friend that he would get slimed in the first half-hour. I mean come on, no one host leaves the KCAs un-slimed. I'll get to that later.

This years' show feels so different to me. It didn't get super crazy, no unique entrances, no people in costumes saying the winners names--what the hell, it wasn't as KCA-y as it was the previously decade. I don't blame me, because I'm not a kid anymore and I see a change in perspective. But I honestly enjoyed it. Every minute I enjoyed. Except the ones where Adam Sandler opened his mouth. Dude needs to know his brand of humor isn't funny anymore.

The song choices in the opening number were really interesting. Best Song Ever is an appropriate song; Applause and Wrecking Ball are definitely not. I don't know who American Authors is before the performers were announced, but they are really good and talented. They would perform again later on.

Aloe Blacc, Mr. I Need a Dollar also performed, singing his hits Wake Me Up and The Man. He sounded fantastic. I love Wake Me Up as a wonderfully soulful, R&B-infused piece of work with a hint a bluegrass, and not the electric crap Avicii produced and released last year. And The Man is also a really cool song, although I see the line "I need you to tell everybody/I'm The Man, I'm The Man, I'm The Man" sounds like some dude is bragging to someone that he's better than everyone else.
No one likes an arrogant jerkhole.
Aloe (which has gotta be a stage name) is the the only person to make me let it slide.
Although I feel that they are not very well-known to the kids, I feel these two acts were great choices for this years' show. And really age-appropriate, unlike last year. I mean, come on! Pitbull? Xtina?? KE$HA?!?

Anyway, Nickelodeon gave away its' first Lifetime Achievement Award this year. And who was the person to receive this honor?
Only the person who came to Nick, took it, put it in his hand, and molded it into appointment television for all kids for the past 20 years, Dan Schneider.

And it was a wonderful tribute; casts members of his shows Sam & Cat, iCarly, VicTORious, Zoey 101, Kenan & Kel and Drake & Josh all joined together to help celebrate this man and his amazing work.
They then presented him with this nice Blimp in gold.
He is a wonderful talent and a great storyteller and he definitely deserved this honor. This was hands-down the best part of the show. Children's television has changed for the better thanks to him, and will never be the same after him. Not bad from that guy from Head of The Class, a show I still never heard of.


Austin Mahone and Cody Simpson both got slimed!! I'm sorry; I had to put this there. The fangirls probably wanted them to take their shirts off straight after. Also, a slime rodeo? Who the hell under the age of 13 wants to watch a real rodeo, let alone a slime rodeo? with Slime Tubes? Does anyone want their limbs ripped apart doing this? Seriously, I find this stupid and dangerous.

Finally, Mark got slimed. All it took was Kevin Hart (that evil bridge troll) to turn his kids against him to get their dad drenched in the green gloop. It had to happen (it always has to) or else this would've been the corniest KCA either in years or ever. Mark did fine as a host, but not great. Usually a KCA host gives his or her all to the show, acting completely like goofballs to make the show great. People like Rosie O'Donnell, Mike Myers, Whitney Houston, Jack Black and Justin Timberlake are great examples.

Oh yeah, now I know who they are. That group with the song I saw in the pormos for The Crazy Ones. They sang Best Day of My Life, pretty much the song that makes them a one-hit wonder until their next hit. I like it sounding nothing like regular pop. Just drums, guitars, and a banjo to make indie reach the top of mainstream radio. This year will go to indie and not pop. Thank you American Authors, for helping continue to break the Pop crap barrier in mainstream radio.

Usually, one of the reason I tune in is to see what the stage would look like.
I will say, it looks beautiful.

It looked like the producers took a page from the Lisa Frank catalogue.

WINNERS (as shown on the broadcast):
Favorite Funny Star: Kevin Hart (I only find him funny when he doesn't yell like a frickin' banshee)
Favorite Female Singer: Selena Gomez
Favorite Actress: Ariana Grande (a very talented girl, congrats to her)
Favorite Actor: Ross Lynch (not related to Jane Lynch, despite first thought and both being blondes.)
Favorite TV Show: Sam & Cat (like it wasn't going to win; Nick shows rarely lose)
Favorite Movie Actor: Adam Sandler (I thought Johnny Depp would win again, but meh. Kids actually find him funny.)
Favorite Action Movie Star: Robert Downey Jr.
Favorite Animated Movie: Frozen (Best choice to win all night. Really good film.)
Favorite Actress AND Buttkicker: Jennifer Lawrence (Meh.)
Favorite Male Singer: Justin Timberlake
Favorite Movie: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (Figures.)
Favorite Group: One Direction (Come on. It was pretty much a lock)
Favorite Animated Animal Sidekick: Patrick Star (SpongeBob SquarePants) (Sure, because everyone likes a fat, lazy, idiotic, immature crustasean better than this...)

Favorite Cartoon: Adven--Phinea--Teenage Mutant Ninj--Gravity Fa--SpongeBob Squarepants (I'm beginning to think Nick fixed the vote. All the other noms are better than this show now. It deserved the win back from 2000-2005, but not this, last, or for the last four years.)
--More on the show's website--
Nickelodeon Lifetime Achievement Award: Dan Schneider (the man that took Nickelodeon to new heights and never fell back to Earth. This is definitely well-deserved. Congratulations, Dan.)

So, I enjoyed this years' show. It was great. Not the same feel as years' past, but I still enjoyed it. And by the way, folks. If you've said that the Kids' Choice Awards isn't what it was way back then, I don't blame you all. But come on, it's still a show for the kids. You can still watch, but it isn't made for the generation of kids that watched it first. It's for kids; I mean little tiny humans who don't know better yet, and their snot is green. Don't criticize something you've watched back then as a kid, because it makes you look like fools for watching anyway.
Thank you all for joining me for this review. I'll see you next year and probably next week for the review of the Academy of Country Music Awards.
Later!