Top 15 Worst Pop/Indie Songs of 20Fifteen

2015. Wow.
This year was a great year for music, and I was happy to be there bask in the glory. There were many songs that I really enjoyed throughout some of the genres: Pop. R&B, Hip-Hop, Indie, even Country that I just couldn't stop playing on repeat. And all of these songs are many examples of a more progressive shift into much more great and enjoyable sounds and concept, and made this year really memorable.

Yet at the same time, there were songs that came out this that were memorable for being the absolute opposite. They managed not only to become huge both online and/or on the radio, they also managed to drive me up the wall. With the usual suspects being lazy, uninspired or straight-up lazier copy-cat production; terrible, ear-drum splitting vocals; unimpressive, pathetic compositions; and how popular these song have gotten in social media era public eye.
So I felt it's duty to listen to these songs and choose the ones that are the absolute worst. And of course, riff on them in my way.
So join me, Andrew Duvall Pollard, present to you my choices for the Top Fifteen Worst Pop Songs of 2015.

And yes, 15. This year, I decided to supersize the list because there were more terrible songs to choose from to throw in (and also because this year ended in the number 15), and despite the harder time writing these lists and picking my choices, it was still a good idea and hopefully this will make a better payoff.

Also, of course, this list is my opinion. It's not truly personal; just my thoughts and likeness towards music in general. If you like these songs, that's fine; I won't judge you. I'm just here to give my thoughts on the lowest of this year in music.

So, folks (once again), let's do this!


The first five songs can be considered Dishonorable Mentions, because while they're on the list regardless, they have some qualities I do like or enjoy from the song for me to not outright hate it unlike the other ten songs here. So the artists who recorded/sung/wrote them, consider yourself lucky...er.

First off...

(15)) “The Night is Still Young”
- Nicki Minaj


This song has nothing much to offer than its purpose:
"It’s the middle of the night, and we should be sleeping right now.
BUT HEY, IT’S STILL TIME--SO LET’S GO OUT, GET SHITFACED
AND RUB UP AGAINST EACH OTHER LIKE DOGS IN HEAT!!"
The chorus is pretty annoying, just repeating “The Night is Still Young” 3 times twice and ending it with “and so are we”. It’s like the Sheldon Cooper knock, but more irritating and a lie. You’re not going to be young for long.
The instrumentation’s very nice (good EDM beat in the chorus, kickass bass guitar licks in the verses and quiet drum/knock pattern), but the stuff in front of it isn’t.
Also, the music video mostly features regular people stopping what they’re doing and looking at the moon. While looking at the moon is in and of itself awesome, it's nothing to it here. If you’re going to make a video based on a song about partying the night away, it should show that.
Plus, I’d rather get more entertainment value of looking at the moon from NASA and Bear and the Big Blue House.

(#NostalgiaStreak)
This obviously isn’t Nicki’s worst song, but it’s still weak, uninspired, retreading crud. Plus, she throws the 23rd product placement for her drink Myx Moscato.
It’s already becoming the Beats Audio of the mid-2010s.
--

14) "Fight Song" - Rachel Platten

I'll be honest as you'll be surprised.
I never really got into this song since it's release. And as you see here, I still don't.
And it's not just because of overplay. It's also because of the message we all thought was trying to convey: a song about self-empowerment in the face of life's struggles and heartbreak, but are about breaking into music while saying goodbye to family. It just doesn't feel right to me. Also, it feels slow enough for me to not listen to. It's beat is good, but I just can't enjoy it more than I want to. Also, while Platten's vocals are great, I just can't stand them.

Also, I dislike it because of how much every other company plays it in their commercials. Especially Ford, which believes that buying and driving one of their vehicles can make you feel more stronger and braver after a painful moment in life. Because yeah, driving a $20,000+ SUV can rip away my feelings after losing one of my relatives or breaking up with my girlfriend.
--

13) “Where Are U[diphthong] Now” - Skrillex & Diplo (aka Jack U[diphthong]) feat. Justin Bieber

While I recognize the beat is decent and catchy, it’s still loud and clanging to be thrown on here, in fact it’s the better part of the song. The lyrics are tripe crap.
“I gave you the key when the door wasn't open, just admit it
See, I gave you faith, turned your doubt into hoping, can’t deny it
Now I’m all alone and my joys turned to moping
Tell me, where are you now that I need you?
Where are you now?”
“Where were you when I was moping about how people are making fun of me? Where are you when I needed a woman to make my potentially strong-willed ass feel better? Where were you!? Where were you, bitch?!”
All of this makes Bieber sound like a whiny pussy. And his vocals don’t help, sounding just like that. And the hyper recorder-sounding EDM beat doesn't match up with Bieber's half of the song, which includes a somber piano riff and repeating whines of "I need you the" in the background. I understand there are songs about a guy angered by his slut girlfriend leaving him for no good reason, but they shouldn't sound this depressing and whiny.
People have said that this was one of the weakest songs on the Jack U project...and from listening to this, it's hard to blame them.
--

12) “Little Red Wagon” - Miranda Lambert
I know adults collect action figues and plush things--which is just fine, but wagons??

This song has proved that country has become more self-centered, hick-ish and dumb in this decade. For real, this song is about a Red Wagon.
No metaphors. Just literally.

Miranda Lambert is one of the hottest and best Country singers of our time, so we would expect some autobiographical songs about life, love, heartbreak, and partying. And then “Automatic” and “Somethin’ Bad” came out, and she may have been in a Chutes and Ladders situation ever since.
And now with this song, a cover of the 2012 track by Audra Mae, it’s become clearer.
It’s about a lustful guy falling for a woman (presumably Lambert), and she couldn't take his putting up the limp end, so she dumps him.

This cover is assumedly based on Lambert’s ill-fated marriage to fellow country singer Blake Shelton (which makes sense because of a belt emblazoned “Ms. Shelton” is seen at the end), which made it interesting and enjoyable. While the lyrics are short and pretty corny, they do make sense in that context. And the whole thing could’ve been really good, if it hadn’t been for the dumb-as-hell chorus, which sounds like it was written by a snotty eight-year-old acting like a hot commodity at the local playground.
“You can't ride in my little red wagon
The front seat's broken and the axle's draggin'”
--Then why would you take the damn thing out if it’s basically broken??
And these lines that make her sound like a ego-centric hothead.
“You can't step to this backyard swagger/
You know it ain't my fault when I'm walkin', jaws droppin' like
Ooh...ah...ooh...ah”
--Yep. This is what I get from this.
”I can’t help it that people find me smokin’ hot, so better get used to it if you wanna get with me.”
Also, the bridge has her spouting random crap to probably fill the space.
“Oh, you only love me for my big sunglasses
And my Tony Lomas/
I live in Oklahoma
And I've got long, blonde hair
And I play guitar, and I go on the road/
And I do all the shit you wanna do
And my dog does tricks/
And I ain't about drama, y'all
And I love my apron/
But I ain't your mama!”
Yeah, that’s just...stupid. Real stupid. But they’re not her fault; it’s more that of Audra Mae and Joe Ginsberg. I do enjoy this song; the best is pretty kick-ass, thanks to the electric guitar slicks and rock sound. But these lyrics are, while not downright putrid, are still dumb enough to be near the bottom of the list.
--

11) “Stitches” - Shawn Mendes
Love may leave you in stitches, but this song may leave me in a coma.

This single from the ripoff of Justin Bieber/hybrid of Justin Bieber, Austin Mahone and Nolan Gould from Modern Family is overwrought with dumb metaphors of love and pain, which are mashed together dark writing and light corny guitar strums, drums and claps. Instead of being light about the heartbreak, he takes the dark route and mentions “winding up dead”. Dude, you got dumped, not shanked by the Crips! Get over yourself! I understand you’re hurt about your break-up, but do you really have to sound this overemotional?
What also pains me is the guy’s vocals--it sounds like he almost stuffed his nose with grapes and wore a mouth-guard. It’s pretty grating, sounds like Justin Bieber with a slightly deeper voice and draws me further away from the song.

Also, the video makes no sense.
Shawn is stuck in a parking lot and is essentially knocked out by the wind every time he tries to walk out of there, pretty much getting refused the exit. It’s like an episode of Night Gallery.
It would’ve made more sense if it took place in his house or at the park--at least she were there, and provides basis for his pain and heartbreak, and causing Shawn to never leave because of the stuff she touched. Hell, even a McDonald’s parking can be a better metaphor. Their burgers can give you stitches...from a stomach pump.

Okay, he’s a pretty talented artist, and can make some good music...but this isn’t good to me.

--

And now that the side show has concluded, let’s segue to the main attraction.
Let’s check out my picks for the horrible of the horrible. The Top 10.
Let’s start with...

10) "Pretty Girls" - Britney Spears ft. Iggy Azalea
This song bombed upon release on the Hot 100. Great job, America!

Britney Spears is back to give us another track that's sure to become a hit. And along for the ride is the great Iggy Azalea! Surefire combination, right? ^ WRONG.

What is there to say about vapid, bitchy, self-centered girls who use their looks to get whatever they want in the world? Well, according to this song, a whole lot.

This song basically tells girls like them to be whores; flaunt their looks in front of guys, make those guys do their bidding, sex, drinking, etc. and does so with two middle aged women singing/rapping about it in pathetic fashion.
Britney sounds as processed as ever and Iggy sounds as black as ever.
The beat sounds exactly the same as "Fancy"; seriously, same percussion, same synths, similar beat pattern, and same producers (The Invisible Men).

These are the times when much of society (at least the sane part) sees them as scum and want nothing to do with them. Just like this song! There's nothing I'd want to do with it. And yet here we are.
Of course there is that one part of life where your looks fade off and you'll end up looking like a desperate old hooker with no purpose or worth in life just getting by on embarrassing herself for money, free stuff and wanted attention. I think I have another example for this analogy later on.

"Windows roll down
(Eyes on us)
Jaws on the ground
(Watch them go)
It's just so funny
(Like bees to the honey!)"
Basically another reason to hate their song: they can't get their zoology information correct.
Bees aren't attracted to honey; they're attracted to flowers, which help them make the honey.

This song hit major controversy (or a lack thereof) after the song's tanking on the Hot 100 when Iggy blamed Brit-Brit for it's failure on Twitter.

@rhuancesarr its difficult to send a song up the charts without additional promo and tv performances etc. unfortunately im just featured...

— IGGY AZALEA (@IGGYAZALEA) June 28, 2015

She and Britney then got into a finger-pointing war that got more heat than the song itself, and got everyone talking.
That, or the song sucks major ass, Iggy stopped becoming popular (for good reason), Britney's career fell from it's peak and other, better, more worthy songs got the higher slots on the charts.
But hey, answers are answers.
--

9) “Worth It” -- Fifth Harmony featuring Kid Ink

Okay, this song annoys me to Hell and back.
And that starts with the chorus. All you hear is “Worth It” at the end over and over. Nothing else, no reasons why; just saying that she is worth it.
Yep, nothing states your case more than repeating your song’s name over and over.

Okay, you’re worth “it”. Whatever. What are you worth exactly? My time? Because it’s clear that you’re not nailing it on that. According to them, some guy is worth some girl’s time of day, but they don’t explain much about it. They just state short cases to their mates about how they’re worth getting nailed. All I hear is different variations of “Your dick is worthy to slide in me”.
The lyrics are short (thankfully), yet still manage to be painfully stupid and hilariously desperate at the same time.
“Just gimme you, just give me you
Just gimme me you, that's all I wanna do
And if what they say is true, if its true
I might give me to you
I may take a lot of stuff
Guaranteed I can back it up
I think I'ma call you bluff
Hurry up, I'm waiting out front”
-
“It's all on you, it's all on you
It's all on you, so what you wanna do
And if you don't have a clue, not a clue
I'll tell you what to do
Come harder just because
I don't like it, like it too soft
I like it a little rough, not too much, but maybe just enough”
And their vocals make them worse. Every verse from the members singing the verses ends with their vocals reaching high registers for no reason other than to sound really irritating. And it’s like they’re not even trying to sound sexy. The group’s vocals exactly prove why they suck to me. All of them have various degrees of bland, and don’t have much interest, personality or talent within. They all sound like just one female singer...and a bad one at that.

Plus, Kid Ink is the featured artist. I know--that’s horrible.
His verse is what you’d expect in a song about a woman trying to get a man’s attention by shaking her ass at him. And wouldn’t you believe it? They’re actually the best part of the song--for being short and at least not annoying or sexist. But somehow I was disappointed--but not at him, but for him. Near the end of the song, he returns for the second featured verse...but it was the same thing. Why? That's kinda lazy. And while I’m relieved, I was also sad.
Also, if you take these lyrics from the group and Kid Ink past face value, I want you to realize this: at the time of recording, the oldest member was 21. He’s 28.
That’s disturbing.

Also, I’ll state the obvious.
This song is clearly trying to emulate “Talk Dirty” and “Don’t Tell Em”.
The producer in the studio wanted someone to imitate that sax solo from the former, so they listened to it just once, said “Got it!”, and then forgotten it almost immediately; so instead, at the last minute, they warbled this. It’s not really bad, but it’s still a clear ripoff.
And when you get to the verses, it clearly sounds like every part of the latter.
Just. really. lazy.
In the end, this song sucks, and Fifth Harmony is a terrible girl group who will never reach the ranks of some of the best and memorable groups in history.

You think you’re worth it? Well, you ain’t worth shit.
--

8) “Kick the Dust Up” - Luke Bryan
“Let’s tear it up, up”? REALLY?

Dammit Luke! You know the money’s at making these rap-like country songs. But why aren’t you acting like you’re great at this?

Okay, I’ll be honest. The only song I heard and liked from Luke Bryan was “Country Girl (Shake it for Me)”. And while it was one of the stupidest songs released in 2011, it served its purpose and was really catchy (well, at least from the second half of the chorus). But, outside from watching the country music award shows, I never listened to another song from him again. Thank God I didn’t.

If this is any indication, this song continues Bryan’s dominance as the leader of bro-country. Yet with this, it seems the smugness, sloppiness, and horniness has sled from the peak and is reaching Mt. Garbage.

While the instrumentation isn’t very big, it still feels sloppy and doesn’t match with the writing, which--surprise--is also sloppy (Again, “Let’s tear it up, up”). And the use of elements from rap production sounds at the end of the hook is really tacky and pathetic, and bring the song even lower than it already went.

Luke Bryan's vocals are the most stilted and bland he's done in a song I heard, and from the many songs about partying and drinking (which seems to be a trend across Country, too--sadly), that's saying a lot. And speaking of the many songs about partying and drinking, why must most of discography come down to this topic? (Every place he goes to is basis of a party, where hicks and fools of all sorts are invited. That's it.)
And worse, why isn't there a good song about this?

I don't listen to Luke Bryan very much until this song came along. And I don't think I ever will again.
--

7) “Cool for the Summer” - Demi Lovato
If my wife or girlfiend ever tells me we'll "Die for each other", we're getting divorced immediately.

As if the couple times this year I’ve mentioned it is enough indication that it’s getting on the list. But I felt like I've said enough going here.
The concept and lyrics are so contrived, the beat is like ADD--one part soft and delicate synth-pop, another part blaring and painful pop rock--it just sells the song short; and Demi’s vocals are so unconvincing in what she wants to convey--she wants to see what it’s like to scissor a girl. Yet her performance sounds like she doesn’t know what she’s doing and ends up sounding like she thinks she’s already an expert, but is actually a damn idiot on it.
There’s more to my criticism of the song that I feel like going into a rut saying, so if you want, please check out my riff s on "Cool for the Summer" in the reviews of the 2015 Video Music Awards and the Tracy Morgan episode of Saturday Night Live (links are in the comments section).
I’ll put aside the “former Disney star going sexual” route (it’s getting old), and say that this song is really fucking stupid; and even through its basis, it still sounds sloppy and forced. Demi can be better but if these past few years have been anything, it’s that being edgy and mature are not much her strong-suit.
--

6) “This Summer’s Gonna Hurt” - Maroon 5
The gradual decline of the partial namesake has continued.

Now, I’ll be honest, this isn’t their worst song to me (It’s still “Animals”), but this song is definitely up there. While the beat is fine, it’s still loud, blaring and irritating enough to put on the list. And set in stone, the lyrics are some of the dumbest set of words I’ve ever heard in a song from Levine + 4 since “Maps”--which was from last year! It’s about a girl who does trashbag things that a horny Adam sees as “fancy”. Um, last time I thought, drinking champagne on a beach, dancing in front of traffic, or having a low IQ is not perfect qualities to start a romantic relationship. A lustful one, yes (as shown in the lyrics).
(And please don’t reference Iggy Azalea; that’s ultimately detrimental to your song.)

And , the lyrics are just short sentences that are stretched across the time-span in attempts to fill space. It’s annoying and frickin’ lazy. Just cut the lapses down and it’s about 3:30 tops.
Also, they don’t make goddamn sense.
“I see her dancing on a fool / Like she’s seventeen and cool”
--What; did she knock the crap out of a guy and did a dance to celebrate her victory?
“Her mind is not...no /
As sharp as all her diamonds /
She must be smoking something”
--Is he dissing some girl? At least that makes sense.
“I’m rippin’ off, oh / I’m rippin’ that bandage / Cause I just can’t stand it”
--I-eh-what??
“I see her when I go to sleep,
I check my phone when I am weak /
She never posts anything deep,
'Cause she's so fancy”
--You’re in lust with an idiot. At least act like you have brains.

You know what? Fuck “Animals”. This is the worst Maroon 5 song ever and the most laziest, imbecilic and self-aggrandizing. And I’m so glad this tanked on the charts.
How’s that for being the one song on V’s re release?
--

5) “She’s Kinda Hot” - 5 Seconds of Summer
She's Kinda Hot, but this song is kinda shit.

Last year, this next group burst onto the music scene, and took the industry by force. It’s too bad they’re terrible, And this song is major proof.
Last year, lots of people hated their single “She Looks So Perfect”. Weak composition, Dull vocals and personalities from the members, an uninspired concept, and the mind-killing overuse of the word “Hey” throughout the chorus! (It’s like a pop song inspired by DJ Mustard)
Now, it seems they’ve struck that same mantra this year with “She’s Kinda Hot”.
And it’s even worse.
“My girlfriend’s bitchin’ 'cause I always sleep in,
She’s always screamin’ when she’s calling her friend/
She’s kinda hot though
Yeah, she’s kinda hot though
(Just an itty bitty little bit hot)”
-”I know I have a terrible girlfriend who takes advantage of me of my feelings, and treats me like garbage every other time of the day...but hey, I’m cool with it, because she’s totally attractive!”
Yes, that’s the message. If your girlfriend treats treats you like shit, you can just weather the storm because she’s just freaking gorgeous (or as implied, a little bit). Except maybe she's bitchin' because you're a lazy fuck who can't contribute anything to your relationship or life. And you expect people to put up the heavy lifting while you sit on your ass and do nothing.
Unfortunately, it’s not the only one.
“My friend left college 'cause it felt like a job
His mom and dad both think he’s a slob
He’s got a shot though (No, not really)
Yeah, he’s got a shot though (No, no, not really)”
-”Well, I guess my best friend dropped out because college is not for him...But hey, I think there’s still some potential in him in the world!”
This song has some very shitty morals.
*If you’re significant other is even marginally hot, just let her be a bitch and you’re cool.
*If your buddy is a fuckin’ loser, just ignore the fact that he’s a lazy prick who quit college (possibly on a full ride) and continue to instill belief that he’s still something in the world.
*If your therapist says you’re a looney tune, ignore the symptoms of going through ADD and find her attractive.
This is the exact opposite of a inspiring song. Who wants to believe this trash? No sane human being wants to have a relationship with a nut-ass bitch, or stay friends with an indolent fuck with no direction in life (I’m sure his parents would want to kick him out too), so why would he want to hear it in a song? These morals are destroying our society and 5 Seconds of Summer are taking advantage of it. This is a repugnant, idiotic, insolent and pathetic use of music to spew such bullshit. And this is a top 20 hit in over 10 countries; that says a lot.
Say what you will about “She’s So Perfect”, but I can take a song about a girl looking hot wearing some guy’s underwear that repeats “Hey” 30 times any day over this!
They wrote this song, believing it could be a hit, and that their fans will listen and take the lyrics past face value. If so, our future is going to the crapper.
I never listened to beyond “Amnesia” and a random worst songs list, but this is the pits.
5 Seconds of Summer is a total ripoff band and a really shitty one at that.
--

4) “Honey, I’m Good.” - Andy Grammer
He thinks he’s good, but we don’t.

Before we start, this track was released in November 2014, but it did chart and peak this year after its impacting contemporary radio in February. So it’s legal. And now, my criticism.
I’ve been hoping for songs about guys being courted by sluts to cheat on their lovers, but they refuse, and go on with their lives. And we have one… It’s too bad this is so contrived as fuck. Andy is at a bar, drinking his wallows away (as least I assume so, but the happy beat makes it sound otherwise). A girl comes in asks if he wants a one-night-stand with him. He says no, and has a girl at home. It all sounds so simple. And it is; it’s so simple...and bland, and empty, and even a little embarrassing.
Say with you want about those songs about the singer/rapper cheating on their wives/girlfriends like abhorrent excuses of human beings, but at least these songs have interest and popularity power going to them. While this also has popularity power, this has nothing much going for it at all! No substance, no realism and no interest--at least from me.

And the lyrics about the other girl are just about her body: her long legs, her fantastic ass. That’s just sad.

The beat is nauseously hyper and disgustingly upbeat, with an overuse of knocking in every note and this weird “boop” sound heard every other note, and weird addition of an organ in the mix. And the beat and lyrics and forcing us to cheer for him for not going through with the adultery. Uhhh...No. If I’d want to cheer for someone for doing something great, I’d watch The Price is Right, which is somehow less poppy, bright and sugary than this slop.

And what makes this even more a slop is that this song officially crossed over to country, with a duet with the Eli Young Band. Fortunately, that didn’t chart well.

I get that that he’s drunk, but it’s just as simple saying “No thanks” and just walking away.
This song is just pathetic.
--

3) “Dear Future Husband” - Meghan Trainor

 
In this track, Meghan Trainor wants to find a guy that’s apparently perfect for her in every single way. And after hearing it, I so elegantly pondered...“Is this bitch high?!”


This trash just screams sexist. What kind of woman feels it’s right to make her own match.com query finder in finding a man? And even worse, what kind of man would find this okay and would still want to date this nutso?? This isn’t the diary writings of a 12-year-old girl. This is the bullshit ramblings of a grown woman! Many of these lines spout off what Trainor wants in a guy, seemingly thinking that it’s all sweet and innocent, but in reality, comes off sounding like an obsessive, passive-aggressive, perfectionist of a lunatic.
She expects you to put up most of the work, while she just acts like a woman in the 50s--all cute and light, with the mentality of a woman in the 2010s--acting like we owe them a favor for decades of crap. Give her flowers every passing year, take her on a date (because she deserves it), go see her family more than yours, and not put up your shields when she gets angry--just stand there calmly when she’s about to bust your head open with a vase. (You know...like a true lady.)
You see...this is why I’m not 100% straight.

Now, I like Meghan Trainor. She was a pretty good artist to me, and I liked her previous singles (yep, even “All About That Bass”). Plus, I was one of those people who liked and even enjoyed her “throwback music beats” formula in her songs; I really liked the new spins on the retro sounds. But now...this is where I will draw the line. Even this won’t save this dreck. This song is absolute manic garbage with all of the sugary sweetness of “Honey, I’m Good.”, and all of the twisted "satire" writing of "Blank Space". And I can agree with everyone’s argument that she’s using the retraux beat formula to death, because every single she’s released that I’ve heard has a beat of this caliber, and now, thanks to this, it’s kinda driving me crazy!
And her vocals sounds terrible here. It’s like she’s trying to be Whitney Houston or Beyonce with a quick rap-singing voice, but fails. She tries to give a sexy-yet-innocent speak, but truly failed. And the lower register just doesn’t sound right. While this isn’t the worst part of the track, it’s not the only bad thing about it.

Also, one of the lyrics follows the stereotype of every other wife on TV.
“Even if I was wrong/

(You know I’m never wrong)/

Why disagree; why, why disagree?”
Because all women are right, no matter what. Uckhh.
Also,
“I'll be sleeping on the left side of the bed (hey)
Open doors for me and you might get some... kisses”
-She left out “head” intentionally. Don’t worry; your filthy mind is still much better than this.

And the cuts in the video of her on the floor cleaning it are so unsexy.
Like, I almost vomited.

Meghan Trainor, you're delusional. No man wants a crazy, self-serving, perfectionist bitch who'll only date a man for her personal choices and needs, and if you think a guy will want that from, I hope you two deserve each other. For better or worse (but definitely worse).
You’re the worst, and I don’t wanna see or hear you again.
--

2) “Marvin Gaye” - Charlie Puth ft. ...Meghan Trainor

 
Oh...well...there it is.

You know what? Fuck “Blurred Lines”! THIS is the song Marvin Gaye’s family should’ve sued!

This is the most whitest song of the year and the most un-sexiest song ever. So much so, that it has to be a parody worthy of CollegeHumor, but it’s absolutely not intentionally funny.

When you hear the name “Marvin Gaye”, you automatically think of his iconic steamy sensual music of sweet love and hard sex like “Sexual Healing” and, of course, “Let’s Get It On”. But...according to Puth and Trainor, that’s not the case.
The big thing is they didn’t even need to mention “Get It On”, because there are many people who already know who Gaye is to get the reference. But apparently they believe everyone doesn’t, and need to be spoon feed the song title to hammer it in. And the fact that they mention him like a verb (as in “Let’s {Marvin Gaye} AND get it on”) also just almost single-handedly destroys his name and legacy in the process.

Both Puth and Trainor don’t sound like they could give performances on a song about sex, or even the fact they even heard of sex to give them. If anything, they give vocals for songs about starting relationships or walking in the park or eating ice cream, or literally anything else.

And the lyrics...yeah.
“We got this king size to ourselves/
Don't have to share with no one else”
--No duh, dumbass.
“Don't keep your secrets to yourself
It's kama sutra show and tell (yeah)”
Kama Sutra?? Please don’t mention an iconic Indian written piece on sexual behavior in this trashbag slop/malt shop reject of a waste of music.
“It's so subtle (It's so subtle)/
I'm in trouble (I'm in trouble)/
But I'd love to be in trouble with you”
--You wanna be in trouble? Make this song.
You’ll be punished by your peers in no time.

Also, the production is so weak and disjointed, starting off with a slow 60s pop sound that’s more perfect for puppy love songs in the chorus, then to a faster soul groove in Puth’s verses that’s more about hugging and kissing and snuggling than the “dance with no pants”, to--of all things--a sad trap percussion beat and the ever-crappy "Hey" yell in Trainor’s verse that has no goddamn right to be there. It’s if the producer thought that because she raps, it’s perfect for her voice. And, hilariously enough, since that producer is Puth, it makes a lot of sense. All of this thrown in together makes for a disgusting, uninteresting mess...like your first time.
Most classic songs about sex have big, strong, grand productions to emphasize the grown and steamy concepts of getting busy in the bedroom. This track does not.
It's soft, light, poppy, and freeflowing. In fact, it doesn't even sound like a sex song at all. It sounds like something for anything else: a puppy crush, a walk in the park, having a baby, tending a garden, balloons, the color yellow, Leave it to Beaver, Ellen DeGeneres--anything!

And about Trainor's verse.
"And when you leave me all alone
I'm like a stray without a home
I'm like a dog without a bone
I just want you for my own
I got to have you babe"
Yeah...she's saying that, not me.

Plus the video is so pretentious and insufferable, with students and chaperons at a prom winding up kissing and fucking in the school gym/auditorium, restrooms, classrooms and other places; not only trying to choke us to death with the song’s “message”, but also making the song even more laughable than it could get. This song would be the last thing I’d wanna have anyone give it up to me to any time in my life. I’d rather play other songs that are less worse than this to pork to, like "Hollaback Girl", “Blurred Lines”, “Birthday Cake”, the theme of Fat Albert, “Because I Got High”, “Christmas Shoes”, any song by Chris Brown, the soundtrack from Xanadu, the theme song to CHiPs--Hell, the ending theme from Barney & Friends is much better than this!

So in the end, this song is an uber-shitty sex song, and a complete defecation on Marvin Gaye's legacy. I thought hearing him in Wiz Khalifa's "See You Again" was bad enough, but after trash, it's best not to listen to the guy I twice jokingly mistook as a one-shot character on Star vs. The Forces of Evil ever again.
"Now eat your cake...

...and we'll Marvin Gaye and get it on."
I will happily do--what?

And now the worst song of the year. Or should I say...songs?
These excuses of music from these once promising and talented artists have been a part of the public consciousness throughout the later part of this year. And it wasn't because they were good...or interesting...or listening to...or even worth making fun. But I'll try them all for these because they are pieces of shit in all fronts, and because these two women have gone into a downward spiral, both musically and in real life, it's well deserved that these two shouldn't a part of music ever again.
Who are these women? Well,...

1- TIE: “Dooo It!” - Miley Cyrus {&}
“Bitch I’m Madonna” - Madonna ft. Nicki Minaj

Madonna? Miley? This is a plea from me on behalf of almost all of America: GO. AWAY.

First off, "Dooo It!" by Miley Cyrus.

As if the thumbnail of the video above wasn't a big red flag, this is an audio abomination if I've ever seen one.
This track is from her latest album, Miley Cyrus and her Dead Petz, a collaboration with The Flaming Lips.
And for them to even agree to work with her on this project must mean they got ample amounts of Mary Jane coming to them.

First off, points for her for at least staying consistent with the lyrics. And yet those points are taken away because the lyrics are complete asinine bullshit. She says "I don't give a fuck". Who cares, Miley?

And then, she asks some powerful, interesting, very hard hitting questions that'll make Larry King and Scott Pelley jealous:
(I understand)
"why there is a sun?
And how do birds fly?
And why there is a moon
Way up in the sky?
Why there is trees? (do it)
And what the fuck is love? (do it)
And what is flying saucers
Watching from above?"

Okay, I want to ask you lovers of the sweet leaf out there.
Do any of you get Miley's message? Do you all love peace as much as she thinks she does?
Because not all of you would take this shit she's spewing seriously. Hell, I bet you all would even take Boohbah more seriously than that noise.

Yep, a lot more spiritual and intellectual messages and meaning from five colorful aliens who blink, click, squeak and collapse into themselves than Miley Cyrus.

This song is all a part of The Dead Petz, an album that has to be one of the most asinine and abhorrent wastes of studio time and recording and instrumentation in the history of music.
You wouldn't expect me to listen to the rest of her album if you'd pay me $1,000 a song.

And now--and finally to, the latest single from Madonna, who clearly must be still in a mid-life crisis, despite being ten years past it. It’s at this point in her life where even she is aware of her pathetic continuation to act and live like a party girl, despite pushing 60.

It's "Bitch I'm Madonna".

"You're gonna love this"
--Naahh, I don't think so.
"You can't touch this
Cause I'm a bad bitch"
--I don't think I would want to, even if you're not.

The beat is questionably terrible, starting off sounding like a CD skipping a track of someone's recording of a guitar solo, and then transfers into what could sound like either someone in production turning on a hedge trimmer in the studio or a lobotomy in progress.

Then we get to Madonna herself, sounding as processed as ever with copious amounts of reverb and auto-tune thrown in, singing like the true grade-A trash-bag skank she is now.
"We hit the elevator right up to the rooftop
The bass is pumping, Make me wanna screw the top off
Yeah, we'll be drinking and nobody gonna stop us
And we'll be kissing anybody that's around us"
--Uh, question: who's gonna stop you, Madonna? No one.
If anything, I'd let you continue so I can grab my phone and start recording.

"We go hard or we go home
We gon' do this all night long
We get freaky if you want
Na na na na
We go hard or we go home
We gon' do this all night long
We get freaky if you want
Bitch I'm Madonna"
--You can do whatever. But you still look like a stupid slut.

"I poured my beer into my shoe and got my freak on"
--Eww.
"The neighbor's pissed and says he's gonna call the Five-O
If they show up then we are gonna give a good show"
Oh yeah, that'll be the day, when the cops will get an eyeful of Madonna at the wrong time in their lives when they'd thank Jesus for it happening at age 13.

And of course, all of makes Ms. Boy Toy look like someone even Ke$ha would find revolting. The difference between acts like Ke$ha and Miley Cyrus is that they are of the right age to do it, and while embarrassing themselves, it's clear that this is fine. You, however are not. You can try to make the defense that you're young as you feel; that's pathetic.
Suzanne Summers is as young as she feels.
Jane Fonda is as young as she feels.
Hell, even Richard Simmons is as young he feels.
You are not as young as you feel. You're as young as a potential victim to a predator.

Nicki Minaj is also on this, and I would've named her the best part of the recording, but...
"Hold up with my nose up
And that rose up in that thanga
I'm froze up, but my stove up
Cause he eatin' like this his dinner
I run shit, I don't fall back
Cause I'm on track, I'm a sprinter
I'm bossed up, I got em all struck
It's not a toss up, I'm the winner"
she's just as bad as Lady Madge.
Almost none of this makes sense. And quite frankly, I wouldn't give a damn either.

Also the video is really pathetic. It’s pretty much ripping off Taylor Swift’s already annoyingly cameo-packed-to-brim clip of “Bad Blood”, this time capturing all the people we actually know or care about, including Beyonce, Katy Perry, Miley Cyrus, Kanye West, Chris Rock, Rita Ora and fashion designer Alexander Wang (most of them not appearing in the shoot at all, but did cameos recorded away from the set, which is sad and a fail). But this is worse compared to “Bad Blood” because it features everything that makes Madonna scarily embarrassing now: partying, drinking, kissing other people, grabbing parts of her body inappropriately and acting like there's nothing wrong with it. She's 57--everything is wrong with this!

There's nothing to this with appeal. Who can dance to this?! It's not even possible to knock your head going through the whole thing and liking it. If this was a song made in the 80s during your heyday, that would make a lot more sense. Sure, controversial, but still better.
I don't think I'll ever be in the position to listen to this ever again after this list. In fact, I don't think this was something almost everyone listened--or even knew existed, since it hit #84 on the Hot 100 chart--the first time an album of hers never made the Top 40, and made moderate-low moderate success in the year-end Dance charts. So basically speaking, it's ripe garbage worthy of the treatment plant of obscurity and another reason Madonna should stop where she is and call it day. So hang up your Boy Toy belt and retire, Madonna. You've stop becoming the Queen of Pop and one of the most popular and celebrated musical acts of all time and ended up a desperate old hooker with no purpose or worth in life just getting by on embarrassing herself for money, free stuff and unwanted attention. Such a title I know.