Hey, everybody.
Welcome to the first of three special editions of Short Long Music Review. For this month, I dedicate them to three well-known, highly anticipated and/or beloved televised awards ceremonies in North America:
The CMT Music Awards; the BET Awards; and Canada’s biggest party of the calendar year, the iHeartRadio Much Music Video Awards.
After doing an edition for the MMVAs in 2015, I decided to bring it back for MMVA this year; along with the CMTMAs and BETAs as well.
Let’s start with the CMTMA’s, country music’s biggest night...outside of the CMA Awards, the ACM Awards, the ACC Awards and--damn, these names sound almost the same! Anyway, this is one of those ceremonies that recognize and celebrate Country music. This one is the only one that does so on cable television. And despite my indifference to Country, I do love watching every year. The performances are exciting, the stage work and use is breath-taking and watching people win awards (especially ones I know little about) makes me really happy (...for some reason).
So, for this edition, let’s review the nominees of Video of the Year. Why? Because most of the noms in that category are also nominated in other categories. Make sense, right?
(also, some songs in the category have already been reviewed in past episodes, so let’s get to what we didn’t review...starting with…
“Star of the Show” - Thomas Rhett
This is...a real nice song. For much of his career, Rhett has made songs about one person...his wife. (aww.) and this song is one of them. Now, I’ve heard of many songs by many artists about their true love. Some work wonders, other fall flat. This is riiiiight in the middle.
“Walking down the street, hand in mine
It don't keep them other guys
And their wandering eyes from looking at you
That's alright and that's okay
Who can blame 'em anyway?
You're so pretty, and you ain't even got a clue”
=
“Friday night on the town
We walk in and you draw a crowd
Even the band seems to sing for you
Ease on up, order a drink, barkeep says it's all on me
You look at me and laugh
Like you don't know what to do
Baby you're so cute”
Okay. So this is about (possibly) an insecure woman who wonders why people are staring at her and why guys are leering and close to molesting her. It’s because she’s beautiful and she doesn’t know it. Eughh…
Also, for some reason, Rhett isn’t angry or jealous that his best girl is drawing attention; he likes it because he has a humble, lovely girl in his arm. I guess... (What kind of man is he?)
Fun instrumental, nice guitar-based melody and Rhett drawing tolerable vocals.
Cheesy, yes, but a fun listen nonetheless. (Unless you hate that stuff, then this is the worst for you).
And the video is awesome; basically Rhett is conducting magic and effects in a hangar. It’s wild, colorful and fun to watch.
“T-Shirt” it isn’t, and that’s more than okay.
--
“Vice” - Miranda Lambert
Look at the video. What does the flipped, trashed car remind you of?
“The Hills”?
Other than the starting rip-off, this song is really sad. And by sad, I mean “slow, boring, barely-emotional, what-the-fuck-does-this-mean” Country crap.
No seriously! Look at this:
“Sting of the needle dropping on a vinyl
Neon singer with a jukebox title full of heartbreak
33, 45, 78
When it hurts this good you gotta play it twice”
…
“All dressed up in a pretty black label
Sweet salvation on a dining room table
Waiting on me
Where the numb meets the lonely
It's gone before it ever melts the ice
Another vice”
…
“Standing at the sink not looking in the mirror
Don't know where I am or how I got here
Well the only thing that I know how to find
Is another vice”
I’m sorry if I sound stupid (trust me, it happens a lot), but what this mean exactly? Falling for/sleeping with bad guys? Abusing hard drugs and/or alcohol? Escaping your troubled past? If so, these lyrics are having a hard time being even subtle about it.
So after a few listens/reads, I learned about it more, and it sits more well with me. Lambert’s vocals are pretty good (soft and weak, with a bit of vulnerability) and the production does fit with the story (if just barely).
I like it, but it’s one thing Country is a sucker for, it’s songs about being a shitfaced shit-head once in your life and trying to change from it.
Also, good luck thinking Miranda Lambert isn’t gonna win a handful of awards (nicknamed the Belt-Buckle) this year. The CMTMA’s have pretty much become her bitch at this point in time. Sometimes she shares it with Carrie Underwood.
And speaking of her...
--
“Church Bells” - Carrie Underwood
I love Carrie Underwood. One of the very few American Idols we still give a damn about, she the has pipes of a kitchen sink after a use of Drano, the good looks of a TV angel, the music that can cross over with the best of them. Hell, I still jam to “Before He Cheats” from time to time. She is one of the best Country artists today, and if I hear her voice, I won’t reach for anything else for a minute.
This song? No exception.
The energy is electric, Carrie’s vocals are bright and alert, and the chorus is super catchy.
--
“Blue Ain’t Your Color” - Keith Urban
This song ain’t my color. (heh!?)
Oh look! Another song about a guy telling a woman that another guy she’s dating isn’t treating her right, and he’ll treat her better. Christ alive, I hate these songs. There’s nothing new to them but the placement of words and the “sentiment”. When what these douchebags want is to get into vulnerable women's pants. Just because they’re rich and famous won’t get them a good relationship.
Here are some lyrics that prove why:
“And chances are
You’re sittin’ here in this bar
‘Cause he ain’t gonna treat you right
Well, it’s probably not my place
But I’m gonna say it anyway
‘Cause you look like
You haven’t felt the fire
Had a little fun
Hadn’t had a smile in a little while
Baby”
If you want to date some woman, fine. Just don’t go for women who’re already in a relationship to get a quick bang and not for experience. For all we know, the relationship is actually good and they just had their first fight. Or that she just doesn’t want a relationship at all. I don’t know; this shit is just scummy to me.
Also this beat rips off touches of true R&B for an ultimately unbearable track about ruining a relationship to please your dick. FUCK THIS SONG!
--
“Dirt on My Boots” - Jon Pardi
Jon Pardi is a working man. But he’s working hard to take his lady out on the town. That’s it.
That’s what this track is about...and I like it. It’s upbeat with a nice beat, it has a concept that I like and many people in its demo can agree with, and Don Pardo by a different name here has a voice that’s...not bad, but needs to be a little less...strange.
--
“Different for Girls” - Dierks Bentley ft. Elle King
I hate this.
It’s as if this song is making the argument that women act much different after a breakup than guys. Oh, wait. It actually is! Did Taylor Swift co-write this!?
“She don't throw any t-shirt on and walk to a bar
She don't text her friends and say, ‘I gotta get laid tonight.’
She don't say, ‘It's okay, I never loved him anyway.’
She don't scroll through her phone just looking for a Band-Aid”
BULL. SHIT. Bull & Shit.
There’s as big a chance that women act as manic and desperate as men after a breakup, and will do almost anything to get a rebound. Sure, men do it and it’s laughable at times, but women would (and in some cases, will) do the same.
Way to throw men under the bus, Mr. “Drunk on A Plane”!
“A guy gets drunk with his friends and he might hook up
Fast forward through the pain, pushing back when the tears come on
When the going gets tough, yeah, the guys they can just act tough
So tough”
And I’m not gonna lie; I’m not a guy who regularly goes to the club, let alone rebound the second I’m single again. So you would think I wouldn't know what they’re talking about. Except I do…and I’m not stupid enough to believe it.
Girls can do what guys can do.
Work dirty, have fun, burp, eat like an animal; hell, they can piss standing up too!
I’m sorry; getting too held up in this. Of course, they act somewhat different, yet all the same like men in the breakup-aftermath department.
This is stupid; it’s not that different when girls get hurt after a breakup from how guys act. Some act out openly; some take it calm and amicably. How people break up and deal with the effects isn’t literally the same behavior; it’s complex and multifaceted. And that this song says otherwise is a crock of bull.
“It's different for girls when their hearts get broke
They can't tape it back together with a whiskey and Coke
They don't take someone home and act like it's nothing
They can't just switch it off every time they feel something”
--Nah, it’s not different. Don’t act like girls are classy, mature and graceful than guys are. Some are, but guys are too. And there’s always people who act immature, graceless, sloppy, dumb and pathetic when they break up and look for some ass to motorboat only minutes later.
If you think that’s not true, you’re just as stupid as this song and the people who wrote it.
FUCK THIS SONG!
--
“H.O.L.Y.’ - Florida Georgia Line
Oh gosh, not this shit. Oop...sorry, Lord.
Just like I hate the concept of guys talking down to girls about why they’re better than the guy they’re dating, I also hate the concept of comparing true love to a drug addiction. It’s pretty much everywhere like air; Ke$ha did it famously, and this genre had a few songs about it, like this one from Zac Brown Band.
And now, the boys of FLA-GA Line are doing their own take. And it’s just as stupid.
And there’s this comparison to religion. Yeah, that’s what we need, comparing the love of your life to a baptism. Why?
I can understand the dudes’ love for their women, but it’s annoying to hear them compare it to drugs or religion. You know, like the million other songs that do it. Not really a new concept.
And much like an overdose can kill you, too much love can kill you too. Whether metaphorically or literally is beyond me. But it happens. It’s a cute song, I recognize, but it’s not exactly for me.
--
“Today” - Brad Paisley
So Brad Paisley made a song about celebrating the love of his life. That’s...alright. I...like this. The simple piano-and-guitar-based production really set the tone, Paisley’s accented vocals are really good and the lyrics aren’t shabby at all. Sure, they’re not as new as usual, but they’re fine.
“When I am sitting in traffic some afternoon
Or bored to death in some waiting room
I am gonna close my eyes and picture you
Today
You keep brushing that hair back out of your eyes
And it just keeps falling and so do I
I am feeling like the luckiest man alive
Today”
Ehhh...yeah, fine.
I enjoy this song, but I don’t love it.
--
And finally...
“Forever Country” - Artists of Then, Now and Forever
This song is a medley of three classics (“Take Me Home, Country Roads”, “On the Road Again” and the original “I Will Always Love You”. [Yep, there was a version made before Whitney Houston]) performed by a supergroup of popular acts and decades-long veterans of Country music. And this was just excellent.
Everyone was second-to-none in their vocals, even if their verses were literally over a second. And to see some of my favorite artists (Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, Little Big Town, Kacey Musgraves, Lady Antebellum, Rascal Flatts, Reba McEntire, Willie Nelson and Dolly Parton) sing in this made me grin ear-to-ear. The production was tight, slick, smooth and beautiful, and the music video brought me close to tears. Shoutout to Joseph Kahn for making his third(!!) country music video so majestic and special.
The supertrack was produced by Shane McAnally in honor and celebration of the 50th anniversary of the Country Music Association’s CMA Awards. And for an awards ceremony like this, it’s well worth it.
Great job, everyone involved. You all deserve the praise.
And happy Gold Anniversary to the CMT Awards.
Well, that’s it for this special edition of Short/Long Music Review. I enjoyed it and I hope you did too. And I hope you’ll enjoy this year’s CMT Music Awards, hosted by Charles Esten (star of the network’s new crown jewel Nashville) and airing tomorrow at 8/7c on CMT.
I’ll be back next Saturday the 17th for the second special edition of SLMR based on the iHeartMusic Much Music Video Awards. See you then!
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