Merry Christmas week, everyone!
And yes, this year, we certainly need a little cheer, holly, jolly, noel, mistletoe, yada-yada-yada and an state-load of the egg nog Timmy Turner's Dad loves to get us through the fifth circle of hell shithole we still call 2020 (and when midnight hits on January 1, we no longer call it that).
But until then, as many of the holiday TV specials and movies we love, the music we always listen to every year anyway but find the right time to now, the stuff we buy from stores before we wake up in buyer's remorse and (at least for me) enjoy the last episode of Saturday Night Live.
Speaking of which, I feel it's time that yours truly spin you a tale in which a long-time dream of mine finally came true. And yes, it invloves this very show.
It was March 6, 2018. Your ol' pal Andrew was in New York City for his 24th birthday. After living the sights, sounds and smells I've always heard about on TV and in film (just the good and funny parts), I got to go on the famous tour of NBC Studios. The stops on the tour were Nightly News, what was then that failed experiment to make that Fox News loon seem talented known as Megyn Kelly Today and Late Night with Seth Meyers. The last stop was none other Studio 8H... or at least, the doors of it, as they were preparing for a show at the time. But the fact that I was there was wonderful enough. Oh, I was also involved in a part of the tour where you can host your own talk show, with a band, studio staff, a guest and an audience. I was... okay. Overexcited but okay. I was aiming for early-Tonight Show Jimmy Fallon. But walking to those doors would only foreshadow what would later become, for me - Andrew, a dream come true.
The day finally came. I barely could sleep; the jubilation was on overload. When I boarded the bus in the best duds I owned (a loud blue sweater, a cheap gray blazer, church pants and shoes like they're from Ross, and a tacky blue shirt and tie [I worked at UPS at the time]), all I could think about was that I'm finally gonna be in the audience of one of my favorite TV shows. When I finally reached New York, my grin was about as wide as the Grinch's, but not as yellow or full of bugs. Stepping out of the bus, onto the subway and into 30 Rock, I could barely breathe because ny heart skipped a beat too much to count (not serious as a heart attack though). After walking actoss the areas I could walk to pass the time (the common shopping arear and the Shops at NBC Studios), the time finally came to come. After waiting in their guest waiting room and finally returning my ticket, I was in line for SNL's dress rehearsal.
After going into the elevator and walking down the hall, hearing the beautiful music of the SNL Band, I was finally living a dream I've had since I've watched my first episode - over 13 1/2 years earlier. I am here. I got to sit on one of the yellow baseball stadium seats overlooking the studio. It is... smaller than it was on TV (then again, so is every one of them). Other than that, I was witnessing glorious television production unfolding before my very eyes. The host of the episode was legendary award-winning actress Emma Thompson and musical guest were legendary (for Radio Disney) boy band Jonas Brothers. I still couldn't believe I was in the same room as Nanny McPhee and the guys who sang "Year 3000", "SOS" and "Burnin' Up". But it happened. Here's what I saw that didn't air on TV. Michael Che hyped us up, then Kenan serenaded us with "Gimme Some Lovin'" with Heidi Gardner, Melissa Villasenor and Ego Nwodim on backup vocal (they were smokin'), and then after a few minutes and the iconic countdown (FIVE SECONDS!!), the dress began to form. While most of the sketches you in that episode where performed, there were a couple that didn't make it. There was one involving a woman making a speech at a classic toy celebration (I think the Toy Hall of Fame) honoring her creation - Ms. Potato Head. It wasn't great but I did give a few laughs, including her putting on the hat and glasses that make up the toy.
The other sketch was one of those sleepover sketches in which the girls play Ouija and conjure up a female demon from the netherworld, only for it to whine about not being invited to some in her shorter years. This very sketch would later be retooled into one of those that did make the cut on the next episode, the season finale hosted by Paul Rudd.
Also just before one sketch mocking the goof seen during that episode of Game of Thrones with the Starbucks cup, Kenan and Ego waved to everyone above where they were standing -- including me! Everyone waved back. I waved with both hands separately like a damn spaz.
Also, I'm proud to say, I lived my life being in the same room with two of the best ladies Lorne has ever hired for the show (and two of my favorites ever), Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
So in short, my dream came true, and I had the time of my life, I could never have a TV experience like this ever again (unless I go to an awards show) and I will never forget it. Even if I had no time to catch the Chinatown Bus back home, freaking out on the streets I didn't live in, losing a lot of money (includingon a gift for Mother's Day), evading, and ending up spending the night in one of the most terrifying places on Earth to not do it -- the Port Authority Bus Terminal! But... if I had the chance to do it again. I'd do it again. Just with more money.
And that's the story of yours truly going through hell to get to TV heaven. And speaking of TV heaven, former cast member Kristen Wiig hosts the 46th Christmas episode, and Dua Lipa is the 46th merry musical guest.
We begin with VP Mike Pence taking the COVID vaccine. Highlights include the mother/wife jokes (shoutout to Lauren Holt, continuing to holt... it down. haha), Pence trying to be macho cool instead of the creepy evil joke he really is and everything Kamala says (shoutout to Maya Rudolph for holding down the biggest easiest job she's ever had). Alex Moffitt is taking over from now on as Pres-elect Joe Biden and does a good job (not Jason Sudeikis good, but still good.) Mikey Day was there, Kenan was there, and Kate McKinnon was there as national grey pube hair Rudy Guiliani.
Kristen Wiig returned to SNL for the fourth time (and second holiday episode; one more she gets in the Five-Timers Club and wins Holiday Host Bingo). In her monologue, she jokes about being Employee of the Month (makes sense, she was in a lot of sketches later on) she admonishes her assistant Glenn for getting things she said wrong and for not getting her a stool for her to sing her... interesting version of "My Favorite Things". The jokes and lyrics were hilarious and pinpoints Wiig's brilliant balance of confidence and pure absurdity. Maya returns to add on the cringe and made it a beautiful duet. Kate had no business being here, but it still was a nice touch.
The Sketch After unsurprisingly is the always delightful and reliable "Secret Word". This was a game show that's pretty much Password, but with a very full-of-herself actress Mindy (Kristen) ruining the game for and saying the word instead of her civilian partner (this time by Holt) and her opponent being their own type of washed out (this time an Austrian actress played by Kate). As always, this was hilarious and shows the phrase "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" is still alive and well.
Speaking of dead inside and unwell, the matriarch of this family (Kristen) is depressed. While everyone else got a multitude of presents, she got a robe. That's fucking it. I was howling throughout after the second time she mentioned the robe, but you just can't stop but feel sorry for her. And even more goddamn dog got more than her while she has to suffer from stove burn and getting yelled at by her son for accidentally stepping on his Big piano. Maybe I should get my mom two presents.
At a USO show in 1944, a famous singer and an Asian singer perform a... more progressive 2010s R&B/pop song. This has to be the Best Sketch of the Week. The 1940s USO setting (and widescreen) was a brilliant setup for the bait-and-switch that had me rolling in heat like a cat in a botanical garden. And Oh Hi, Dua Lipa. I had no idea you'd be here (I lied, I knew you were in there when the beat dropped).
A sketch parodying A Teacher? Yes, ma'am. This was brilliant, with a black teacher actually saying no to the student and shaming him deep only a black woman would? Yessuh!
Keeping hold with the widescreen is a deleted/alternate/random/deservedly removed scene from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Uh... meh? Melissa Vilasenor made a passable Kevin McCallister. And the part with the pidgeon pickling the pizza and Kristen laughing with fake blood on her face while the Crazy Bird Lady shanks the Wet bandits to death with her umbrella was very funny though.
Time for the final Update for 2020.
Jost and Che kick things off by helping us prepare to say good bye to Donald Trump's presidency in perfect and delectable fashion. Seemingly, the audience just wasn't hitting right for most of these jokes, which made me roll my eyes and laugh more.
In his first appearance in... some long time, Chris Redd appears as Motown icon Smokey Robinson after his strange Cameo video saying Chanukka wrong. Other than the fact that they barely look alike, his voice is perfectly on par. As for the drop-by, the jokes on Robinson's fascination about the Jewish culture and holiday along with his horrific mispronunciation of the elements of the holiday (swagalong/synagogue, templay/temple, latchkeys/latke and monster ball/matzah ball) was just terrible -- I'm sorry, terrific.
Kenan returned since... the cold open as Michael's neighbor Willie to give us all the extra optimism we need from this year. But since it's Willie, we may feel sorry enough to give some back. The COVID vaccine, waking up in an ice bath after defects, dealing with his dog being rifled and ending beat boxing at a nursing home are just the latest examples of man whom is way too excited to be loving life instead of praying for quick painless death. I wish I had his cheerfulness. I could need it just for every time I go to the can just to force no deuce.
No matter what the influencer platform, or weird name from the female name generator they give her "I'm rich, biatch!", Heidi Gardner just kills it. This time it's Landis Trotter, an influencer who gets connection from the oddest places like Merrill Lynch or Hitatchi Healthcare. Gardner slays as Landis with the voice, personality and nonchalance when sponsoring these products.
And finally, because it's Christmastime, Colin and Michael present each other jokes that they wouldn't say themselves. Of course, Che gives Jost the racial jokes and vice versa on the sec with whities jokes. This year was no exception and maybe even surprisingly darker. But hilarious all the same.
Merry Christmas, Colon and Michelle!
In case your forget about that Christmas Robe Pre-Tape, everyone (Kyle Mooney, Chloe Gardner, Kristen and the overused Male--this time Mikey Day) returned for this next skewed retelling of a Dr. Seuss classic. This time, it's The Grinch. It was a torrid love affair full of disgust and shame, that'll make you reach for a bucket and puke to the frame. The children should play in the cold and snow, and not bare witness to their parents and Pete Davidson being each other's furry fleshy ho. If there's a lesson to discover, this is not a sketch to watch again or even hover. (Plus originally I thought there were two Mikeys in this one. Seriously, he and Kyle look alike with them Seussian noses.
And finally, Sue the Surprise Stabber is also back to ruin the fun for another family reunion. Only this time, it just didn't have the magic like before. In fact, any one of Wiig's other famous characters would've been better slotted here. I guess "if it ain't broke don't fix it" doesn't work every time.
Lemme say real quick: Dua Lipa is fucking everything. She can sing, she's Cleopatra Hot, she can dance, and if she came to me to say on personal message that that favorite family member just died, I wouldn't feel all that bad. And both performances (of "Don't Start Now" and "Levitating") exemplified all of this. Standing in a bevy of bright, beautiful colored LED lights and similarly-structured dancers, Dua commanded the stage with everything we've known her for since "New Rules" - pop music that is both fun and mature. And I love the juxtaposition of the stories of both tracks. While Don't Start Now is about breaking off with a bad lover and forging him to forget her existence and their excuse of a relationship, Levatating is about the refreshing feeling of flight when beginning anew in the romance department. And her outfits are top-notch personifications of them. Especially the white dress and flowing jellyfish hat that makes her look like the prettiest version of those disgusting monsters from that episode of Space:1999 that look like dead rotting trees wrapped in lights with beachball eyes and spread apart green moss (he says holding back vomit). If there is an album to listen to enjoying the recreations of sounds your parents loved back in the day... yes, it's 24k Magic, but the aply-titled Future Nostalgia is also for you. Smashing job, Dua Lipa. Holly good show!
And that's it. Kristen was great. The cast was great. Wonderful spread across everyone. even though work still can be done to have the lower deck play regular people. I'm tired of him... and guest Maya Rudolph might as well come back full-time since Kamala isn't going anywhere.
Merry Christmas, everyone.
I'm Andrew Pollard saying... "I'll be w as watching A Christmas Story and wishing for 2021 to be the best year I ever lived through and all years since play catch up, and if I hear "You'll shoot your eye out, kid.", I'll just buy a bunker." Goodnight...
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