#SLMR: Bang Bang

Hey, everyone. Welcome to Short/Long Music Review.

Well, this summer has been filled with big hits by many artists, from Iggy Azalea with "Fancy" and Ariana Grande with "Problem", not to mention songs like John Legend's "All of Me" and Pharrell Williams' "Happy", already popular songs which had big staying power on the Hot 100.
There were several songs from female artist getting and heavy on the charts and making the summer music season sweltering, but there was one song that was a triple threat: with the best voice from a female Pop star, the rising star that kept rising and the hottest Fem-Cee in Hip-Hop joining forces to bring us this, one of the biggest songs of the summer.

It's Bang Bang by Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj.



"She got a body like an hourglass, but I can give it to you all the time"
--I'm sorry; body types aren't my thing. I'm a "I'm desperate, please like me, I don't care what you are; my parents want me out of the house!" kind of guy. And this "give it to me all the time" thing? Irritating.
"She gotta booty like a Cadillac, but I can send you into overdriiive, ohhh"
--If she had a booty like a Caddy, which nowadays looks smooth and round, that's another reason why that's not helping out in your case. There is no way I'd leave her for you.
"Stop and wait, wait for that, (what?) stop, hold up, swing your bat (What is this about baseball, now?)
"See anybody could be bad to you, you need a good girl to blow your mind, yeah"
--Oh, I see. Because she's "bad", that means you have an ample excuse to try to take me away. Well, too bad, missy! It's not gonna--
"Bang Bang" into the room (I know you want it)" --Uhh
"Bang-Bang all over you (I'll let you have it)" --Ohh
"Wait a minute/Let-me-take-you-there (ah)" --Really?
"Wait a minute tell you (ah)"
--
"Bang Bang, there goes your heart! (I know you want it)"
"Back, back seat of my car (I'll let you have it)"
"Wait a minute/Let-me-take-you-there (ah)"
"Wait a minute tell you (ah)"

I'm sorry, but somehow this song does not sound like one about love, relationships, taking some girl's man and sex. It sounds more about murder.--Seriously, this must've been written by someone who had a grudge on someone else who plagiarized his/her work, and wanted this as the constant reminder that he/she is still out there.
You can hear it especially in the chorus.
"Bang Bang" into the roof"
I got you cornered.
"Bang-Bang all over you"
Oop, I shot you.
"Let-me-take-you-there"
"There" meaning the local morgue
--
"Bang Bang, there goes your heeeaaaarrrt!"
Boom, you're dead. You weren't a great lover anyway.
-(Okay, are you sure that this isn't co-written by Hannibal Lecter under an alias?)
"Bang Bang, seat of my caarr"
Gotta hide the body somewhere.

I must be the only one who notices this, but after this is released, I won't be.
Okay, now here's Ariana's verse.

--"She might've let you hold her hand in school/But I'mma show you how to graduate"
Okay, that line makes you sound like a pedophile. Really, from hearing that, it makes me think she's an older broad looking for love from barely high-school-aged children. Just because the other girl let the boy (whomever he may be) hold her hand in school, doesn't make you a good person to rip him away from her and join you in whatever freakfest session you got planned for him to "show him how to grduate". It just makes you a Grade-B trashbag skank...and a sexual predator.
Sure because while she was boring being all cutesy by holding hands, but you're just worse wanting "I think you're cute, let's have an orgy" sex.

--"No, I don't need to hear you talk the talk/Just come and show me what your momma gave"
You mean my penis, the thing she gave me when I came out of the hole and used it a bungee cord before they cut it? Sure, why not.

--"(You've got a very big shhhh/mouth, but don't say a thing)"
Umm, yeah, it kinda is. I took a cold shower this morning; that probably helped.
"See anybody could be good to you, you need a bad girl to blow your mind"
See? Again, this! This thing that they have going on, thinking they're better than any girl any guy they're looking for. Just because they're good at fucking, doesn't make them good people. Even though, Ari has actually referred herself as a "bad" girl. I know this happens only as interpretation in songs, but from how I see it, it just feels

After the chorus, it's everybody's favorite annoying sexpot with an irritating voice, the body of a ham hock, and the booty like a Hummer, Nicki Minaj.

"It's Myx Moscato
It's frizz in a bottle
It's Nicki full throttle
It's oh, oh
Swimming in the grotto
We winning in the lotto
We dipping in the pot of blue foam, so
Kitten so good
It's dripping on wood
Get a ride in the engine that could
Go, Batman robbin' it
Bang, bang, cockin' it
Queen Nicki dominant, prominent"

Uhh...
"It's me, Jessie and Ari; if they test me, they sorry"
That's right men. If you test Nicki Minaj, she'll be pissed. The least you get is a talking to, and the worst is her sitting on you. That won't be good for your penis, now would it? Would it?

"Ride us up like a Harley
Then pull off in this Ferrari"
I get the Harley part as it's about rough, hard sex, and Nicki is smart to to refer herself as a Harley, because she's an easy-ass slut with a vag hungry for anything with a dick.

"If he hanging, we banging
Phone ranging, he slanging
It ain't karaoke night but get the mic 'cause I'm singing"
She never sang, anyway. Also, "If he hanging, we banging"? If a woman is that hungry to have a guy in bed just for going out with her...huh, maybe I should go out more often.

Okay, these lyrics make no damn sense, features the same old shit we hear from female rappers (I understand feminism and sexual liberation, but screw it) but Nicki has the--ugh--swagger and lyricism to pull it off and make me like it.

So from all this, it makes me think "Jessie" is a horny homewrecker, "Ari" is a creepy child-lover, and "Nicki" is...
well, "Nicki".
Surprisingly, out of all the ladies in the song, it's Nicki who has the saner (to me) lyrics. Jessie and Ari are women who want to take men away from established relationships and use them to their sexual advantage. And Ari's lyrics make her look older than she currently is (probably because Victorious and Sam & Cat are still fresh in my mind, but yeah). Nicki is always a dimwitted horny slut as portrayed in some of her songs. But here, it's much more tame, mostly because they come in so fast, you barely notice them the first few times.

Also, I caught two different scenarios.
Scenario 1 is this: These three women are luring men into sexual relationships because they believe the girls they're with don't stand a chance to them in the freaking and "T&A" departments, and are just using to get wet quickly, and then they're through with the guys like disposable cellphones. And...
Scenario 2 is that they see men in horrible relationships and want to save them from their terrible fates by being their better girlfriends, which is where the man happily accept because sex with Jessie J, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj is apparently the best thing ever. But in a world like this, both scenarios exist. I believe in S1 because...whores are a twisted people. And speaking of twisted...I don't hate this song. Really.
This song isn't really that bad. The beat is awesome, the vocals of Jessie and Ari are amazing and Nicki's rap verse isn't that bad. It's dull, but not her worst.

This song was a summer hit, it felt like a summer hit, and it deserved to be a summer hit. This is one of Jessie J's best hit singles. It's no "Price Tag", but it's coming close. I want more from Jessie J in the future. Her voice and style is amazing and no like any of the other female Pop stars in the game today (mostly because she has an actually good voice), so seeing this song make it big on the charts really pleases me. Girls, keep it up...and keep it in your pant(ie)s.

Thanks for joining me today for this edition of Short/Long Music Review, and I'll see you next month for another review...