Well, hello, everyone. And Merry Christmas Eve to you all. And since my Jewish readers have already observed, Happy Belated Hanukkah. And to those of you celebrating soon, Happy Kwanzaa as well.
As you all know, it's the holiday season, and that means decorating the house and tree, buying gifts for loved ones, watching the snow fall, drinking hot chocolate and reminiscing about the past year. It's also the time of year where radio stations across the country suspend regular music schedules to play holiday novelty songs to feed the hunger of everyone listening ad nauseam. But in the sea of songs geared to the one holiday probably everyone loves, there are recordings that we as a nation can definitely do without. These songs contain aggravating music, shockingly incorrect or really dumb lines, irritating performances and/or other reasons to change the station or avoid on the streaming sites. And I thought it was a perfect time to show my thoughts on songs like this. More appropriately, show you my picks for the lowest of the low, the crappiest of the crappy, the worst of the worst. But as merry as possible.
Here are my choices of the Worst Christmas Songs of All Time. ...In My Eyes.
Let's kick off the list with...
I admit, this song is very catchy and has a great beat, but it’s on the list because of the lyrics.
Although it’s very obvious that they’re not taken literally, some of the lyrics are still really stupid if perceived that way. Some guy falls in love with the wrong woman, and it comes back to bite him in the ass. You don’t have to listen deeply to see this.
“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart/
But the very next day, you gave it away”
What kind of person give their heart to their lover? It makes sense to give their love but this is taking it too far. Imagine if that actually happens. Someone’s not gonna enjoy the surprise. And then the bitch gives it to another man. Figuratively, that’s a huge Dick move. Literally, that’s just fucking creepy.
“This year, to save me from tears/
I’ll give it to someone special”
NO, YOU WON’T!! YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD!!
“Now I know, what a fool I’ve been/
but if you kiss me now, you’re gonna fool me again”
Of course you’re a fool! You’re out of your damn mind to keep pining after some bitch who’s using you and playing with your feelings, not loving you back. So whatever you get, you deserve. Other than that, I hope your
Okay, to be honest, I really like the song. And the lyrics are while stupid, are too catchy and funny, along with a charismatic and wonderful performance from George Michael, to get angry over. It's why it's not higher on this list, but they're enough to get on it anyway.
Lou Monte
This song is on the list for one reason: The story. It’s a really dumb story
“Santa's got a little friend,
His name is Dominick.
The cutest little donkey,
You never see him kick.
When Santa visits his paisans,
With Dominick he'll be.
Because the reindeer cannot,
Climb the hills of Italy.”
That makes no sense. DON’T REINDEER FLY?! I mean, I know reindeer can get tired from the levitating trek across the world. But come on! THEY STILL FLY! This song intentionally left out the most glaring factoid about reindeer during the Christmas season, just to tell the story of a weak, old donkey taking gifts up high hills to children in Italy. It may sound sweet, but it’s really stupid.
Also, the hee-hawing here is annoying.
“Santa Claus is Comin' to Town”
I’m so gonna get flack for this choice.
Bah humbug, indeed.
“You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I'm telling you why
Santa Claus is comin’ to town”
While I enjoy listening to the vocals of the singers who make their cover versions, and the instrumentations are classic, I do take issue with (at least enough to make jokes on) these lyrics.
“He sees you when you're sleeping
He knows when you're awake
He knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!”
That’s right, kids! A fat white man is essentially stalking all of you. For all 363 days of the year. When you never expect it. So you don’t have to shape up for Christmas--he’s already enjoying his picks.
He sees you when you’re bathing
He knows when you disrobe
He knows if you are large or svelte
So for Christ’s sake, check your lobes (earlobes actually)
(Because he might be ho-ho-ho’ing after your next activity. Be careful.)
So, you better watch out
you better watch out
you better watch out
you better watch out
Santa Claus is creeping at you
If anything, I’d rather be naughty than nice, as so I don’t have to accept a gift from a could-be convicted stalker!
And speaking of someone who should be committed...get a look at the guy in this situation.
Adultery at it's...strangest.
“I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up
In my bedroom, fast asleep”
Okay, here’s the story. Some kid sneaks downstairs after hearing a disturbance. He sees it’s Santa Claus. And what do you know? He’s under the mistletoe kissing and spooning his mom.
He is shocked and says he gonna tell his dad.
“Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white/
Oh, what a laugh it would have been,
If Daddy had only seen,
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night”
His dad gets home from work, sees the smooching, kicks Old Nick’s ass, gets into an argument with mom, they separate, and the kids’ Christmas is ruined. Oh, it;s a laugh all right; a riot.
At least that’s what I seem to get from this song. Seriously, Santa. You’re cheating on your wife with another man’s wife, and you’ve scarred a child for life! I don’t care if a mistletoe is a sacred rule to cause two random people to kiss and that you have to go through with it. IT’S WRONG.
Okay, there is this implied notion here that Santa actually is the boy's dad, but I never realized that, and could make a lot of sense. It's still on the list though. Because overplay.
- Gayla Peevey
Yeah, uh, listen, little sweetie.
What exactly do you want with a hippopotamus anyway?
It sure seems like fun to see one in front of the tree on Christmas morning.
But after the initial excitement, the want for the hippo dies down quickly. You have to take care of it, to feed it-especially in finding what hippos eat, to watch after it, to teach it right from wrong. Doesn’t seem so wrong now? Especially for your parents, with the bills for supplies racking up?
I know this is just a fake song with a story, but it’s still stupid. I truly get that you want something different from the norm, and this song is agreeably different, but to me it’s really stupid.
Also, she says this line after the reprieve:
“Mom says a hippo-would eat me up but then/Teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian”
Yeah, uhh, your teacher is wrong and mom is right. The hippo would eat you up. And they’re not even vegetarian at all. In fact, they're one of the most dangerous animals in existence. There are cases of almost 3,000 people killed by hippos over the past several years.
Also, and most distressingly, the vocals by the singer, a young Gayla Peevey, are absolutely annoying. It’s like the producers wanted her to close her nose before recording in the most nasally voice ever. Yep, she’s really talented for her age--and it shows in her charismatic personality, but that doesn’t stop me from cowering in fear from it.
So, kids, let this be a lesson. Do not wish for a hippopotamus for Christmas. Stick with a dog instead--at least their bites don't break your bones.
"12 Days of Christmas"
Just what someone needs: women milking cows, birds that'll poop all over, a bunch of women dancing that the female love would never give her man and leaping idols that make no sense other than to jump across the house like it's a bounce house.
What was the point of this song? Outside of five golden rings (which would be the true gift for Ringo Starr), it's just listing 11 things no one would ever want (well, except zoologists so they can study on them), and then repeats the last gifts ad nauseum until the record stops at 12 Drummers Drumming. Would your true love really want these crap items? And would she accept these things from you? Short answer: No.
This song is boring as hell in a handbasket, and wastes your time every time you listen to it. And if you ever buy all of these things...it's best you deserve to be poor with some birds to taste for dinner.
“All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”
- Spike Jones & His City Slickers
If there’s one thing to hate about Christmas as a kid, it’s saying "Christmas" without teeth.
Even worse at any age...hearing that kid saying it.
To me, this song is more creepy than cute.
First off, that’s obviously a grown man (and a strange-looking one at that) singing this instead of an actual child (with or without missing teeth). And second, every time he whistles, it’s like nails on a chalkboard. And the whistling occurs too many times to count without banging your head against a wall. To say nothing about the fact that he sounds like Elmo on meth, or you know, Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy.
This song was created by a teacher who wrote it after noticing almost all of his students have a missing tooth and all spoke in a lisp. So he wrote it, recorded it with Spike Jones, and it became a hit--so much so, that it was still the top song on the charts in JANUARY 1949.
I know this isn't that realistic, but for a kid to dream of front teeth for Christmas just to say "Christmas", this has to be as fake as they come. Ugh.
So, a bunch of European musicians in the 80s decided to get together to record a song. And this song is basically telling you to give all the money not spent on Christmas gifts to Ethiopia.
Except according to them, Ethiopia is actually Africa.
There is so much wrong with this song.
First off, these people are ultra loaded. Wouldn’t they think it’s fine for them to give some money from their own wallets and pockets to charities benefiting the country? It’s so much better a plan than taking time off their busy schedules to fly private to a studio and telling people of economical classes much lower than theirs to give whatever money they have (or have left) to a country that truly desperately needs it in what’s seen as a drop in the bucket compared to them.
Also, many of the lyrics sound like absolute lies and condescending statements toward Africa as a whole. One of them is this:
“Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears”
Which is wrong, as the Nile, one of the largest rivers in the world has flowed, and is still flowing.
And this:
“And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life"
So obviously, it’s possible that AN ENTIRE CONTINENT can go an entire season without snow, which apparently, is the only proof that makes Christmas Christmas. Christ alive.
And yeah, no stores are open for consumers to buy materials from. Because the only gift in Africa worth a damn is life. Enjoy.
And this one line just cements why this song is on the list:
“Well, tonight, thank God it’s them instead of you”
Oh really?!?
I cannot believe this was thought up and written, let alone recorded. He actually had the nerve, the audacity, to say to you, you should thank God that the mind-boggling pain, sorrow, suffering and rate of death is happening to the people in Ethiopia--oh, I’m sorry, “Africa”--instead of anyone else. I get that he means it in a context saying “You better thank God it’s not happening to you because you will hate it”. But even in that way, it’s still a cruel message. Why would anyone want to say a shitty message like that or think in that mentality, when they’re basically living the lap of luxury over the people of Africa?? That’s just sick. Fuck you, Bono.
I wouldn’t think, at the time, that all this would matter to them. That they would watch a bunch of reports on British television about the horrible straits of Ethiopia, and decided to record a song raising awareness of the famines and sufferings in the country, hoping things will change there. Nope, they would never think of that; they rather record and play music, and do tours and TV appearances than even acknowledge the pain and sorrow in Ethiopia (or Africa for that matter). And in that way, it's not their fault. They didn't realize all that until they got to the studio. It's the fault of Bob Geldof and Midge Ure, who put the entire arrangement together for the sake of making money. They doesn't care about Africa's pain and struggles, and only produced the song just to get a quick check. The proof is in the lyrics, and in an interview where they finally admitted the song and the awareness wasn't for saving Africa.
And another reason? The proceeds from the song that was supposed to go to Ethiopia to relieve it of the long-drawn famines and sorrows, actually went to homegrown terror groups who purchased war-grade firearms for homegrown terrorism that cause the famines to begin with. Merry Christmas, kids.
Fuck this song! And fuck you, Bob Geldof--for making this song that’s more of a cash grab that’s worthy of the name, than an actual Christmas song designed to help a country going through one of its most infamous -- in its history.
Gene Autry
This song may be one of the most memorable and beloved songs and television specials ever (the latter was the very first one, you know), but to me, it’s it’s also an example of abuse and ostracizing.
From the vocals and music, there’s a lot to love. But from the lyrics, there’s a lot to hate.
Everyone knows what this song is about, but many never realize how harshly cruel life is for the titular character.
“All of the other reindeer,
used to laugh and call him names/
They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games”
Sure, ideals were different back in the old days, but nothing really changed since then. Especially bullying. And the crap he got from everyone, even his FATHER and Santa (and it’s even harsher in the special), is just painful to see, and that just sucks.
“then one foggy Christmas eve
Santa came to say:
‘Rudolph with your nose so bright
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?’”
'Yeah, Rudolph, won’t you do this thing for me that has nothing to do with boosting your self-esteem and love from everyone in the village, and everything with me and them just using you for their advantage to fix Christmas and make everyone love you artificially?'
Donner at least did feel horrible for the way he treated his son, but your cruel fat ass doesn’t get any credit for your treatment.
This says a lot about people with deformities, especially these days. If you have a deformity, you’re forever labeled ugly, a freak, a mutant and no use for society. That is your deformity, and you should hate yourself more than others hate you just for being born and living among the pretty, handsome and normal people of the world.
Also, if you watched the special (and everybody has some time in life), there’s somehow a huge snowstorm throughout the planet with not a freaking person using a shovel or light to power through. At the same time, after realizing his bright, blinkin’ beaker, Santa decides to use it (and Rudolph) to save Christmas.
This apparently teaches the audience a moral. If you have a noticeable deformity, you are considered a mutant and deserve to be a menace and outcast to society. And if that deformity is useful, you're cool enough to be talked about.
This is why I now have a burning hatred for this song, and if not for Hermey, Yukon Cornelius, Clarice, Sam the Snowman, the Abominable Snow Monster, the Island of Misfit Toys, Rudolph's mom and even the Head Elf ("Why weren't you at elf practice!?"), I would've downright hated the special too. Downright horrible tripe of a message.
And finally...the worst Christmas song (to me) is...
"The Christmas Shoes" - NewSong
This apparently teaches the audience a moral. If you have a noticeable deformity, you are considered a mutant and deserve to be a menace and outcast to society. And if that deformity is useful, you're cool enough to be talked about.
This is why I now have a burning hatred for this song, and if not for Hermey, Yukon Cornelius, Clarice, Sam the Snowman, the Abominable Snow Monster, the Island of Misfit Toys, Rudolph's mom and even the Head Elf ("Why weren't you at elf practice!?"), I would've downright hated the special too. Downright horrible tripe of a message.
And finally...the worst Christmas song (to me) is...
"The Christmas Shoes" - NewSong
...
Shoes?!
Everything about this song is just the worst to me.
The light, sad instrumentation; the horrible, simpering, uninteresting lyrics; the irritating, twang-filled vocals of NewSong (heh, clever title) and most especially, the story.
A boy is asking (and rushing) a store salesman if he could buy a pair of shoes for his mother. The reason? She’s dying and ascending to Heaven in the afterlife.
Everything about this is stupid. No one would buy shoes for their love one when they die. And Jesus wouldn’t notice (or even care about) anyone making their way to the Pearly Gates looking perfect, especially including wearing shoes bought minutes before their flat-lining. The term “Come As You Are” is uttered for a reason. Plus, there’s no point in buying the shoes in the first place (I mean, he shouldn't be--because he bought them with fucking pocket change), since they’ll still be there in the hospital room along with Mom’s corpse (well, that is unless they’re still kept for her funeral, then that makes sense). As heartbreaking as it is, it's really dumb to waste money on shoes that won't leave with mom after her passing.
NewSong’s vocals just annoys me; he screeches every line in a haughty, yet whimpering southern baritone smothered in light twang, hammering the story in, and enraging me softly with every play. He can sing, but shooting these lyrics out of both sides of his greasy mouth makes me gag my lunch.
I get that the boy is young, and that he believes that his mom will go to Heaven with the shoes being worn along with her spirit.
Even as a kid, I've hated the song. But because of the fact that my family liked it and it was overplayed since its released, I couldn't wait to be over so I can listen to ANY OTHER Christmas song to get it wiped out of my mind. Yep, even the other songs on the list. This is sad (but not in that way), disturbing, boring and terrible.
And it is without a doubt the worst Christmas song of all time. ...well, in my eyes. And it's really funny, because a lot of other people hate this too, and I put it on their worst lists too. The Nostalgia Chick called it the most disturbing and inescapable Xmas song, Mues and the Rap Critic have reaped their hated, and most notably, actor and king of all nerds Patton Oswald brutally (and masterfully) tore it apart in this hilarious stand-up act.
This is well deserved. And this pick of the Worst is also deserved.
And there it is: "The Christmas Shoes", the worst Christmas Song of All Time...in My Eyes.
And that's the list. If you liked the list, please let me know in the comments section. And if there is a Christmas classic you despise, also let me know in the comments section.
And that's it. Thank you all very much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed this list as I had making it (not much really.) Have a very Merry Christmas, everybody, and I'll see you very soon.
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