Hi everyone! Welcome to the first Short/Long Music Review of 2017! Without much to say here, let's get started with some big singles that became hits this year so far...(in some cases, to my chagrin).
Let's start it off with what shockingly became of of the first #1 singles this year.
“Bad & Boujee” - Migos ft. Lil Uzi Vert
This shit song became the #1 song in the country. I-uhh-umm...no.
I...hate...Migos.
They are as crappy a rap group as crappy can get. Their songs are slow as molasses; the lyrics are tripe lazy garbage; the vocals are loud, obnoxious, forceful and kinda gross; and the messages of them are “we’re rich black morons who got famous doing flaming-shit music bought by mindless zombies”. And this song is the goddamn epitome!
“”
How did this nonsense mess get to number one??
There's no way this song went to the top based on lines like
"Offset, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa"
"I'm ridin' around in a coupe (coupe)
I take your bitch right from you (you)
Bitch I'm a dog, woof (grrr)
Beat that ho walls loose (hey)"
=
"So my money makin' my back ache
You niggas got a low Act' rate (Act')
We from the Nawf, yeah that way (Nawf)
Fat cookie blunt in the ash tray (cookie)
Two bitches, just national smash day (smash)
Hop in the Lamb', have a drag race (skrt)
I let them birds take a bath bae (brrrrr)"
=
"Don't move too fast I might shoot you (huh?)
Draco bad and boujee (Draco)
I'm always hangin' with shooters (brrah)
Might be posted somewhere secluded (private)
Still be playin' with pots and pans, call me Quavo Ratatouille
Run with that sack, call me Boobie (run with it)
When I'm on stage show me boobies (ay)
Ice on my neck, I'm the coolest (ice)"
=
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah"
I CAN'T STAND to see song like this top the charts for little reason other people eating up shit related to it. Especially over more deserving songs.
You know what? I think I know a reason why this got to number one. Here it is:
“Raindrop, drop top”
There.
...Wanna read it again?
“Raindrop, drop top”
See? That’s the reason.
I don’t understand how these three words got this song viral--in memes, in videos and in jokes. And I’ve made some really corny jokes over the years that you’ve somehow perceived as funny. (...thanks for that.) I can’t picture it; I can’t see how anyone could make some clever memes. Vine is dead, and no one can make out what you’re talking about unless you’ve heard it. But they did. Because this country loves to make crap popular. It’s that simple.
In fact, I have another reason for its popularity: this guy.
Donald Glover--aka Childish Gambino--brought it (and the group) huge unexpected success by thanking them (for it) in his acceptance speech (for 2) at this year’s Golden Globe Awards (the complete opposite of what Migos is and stands for, no matter what this song is about).
“It is the best song...ever.”
NO, IT’S NOT!!
I wanna hate this guy for making it popular. But I can’t. And I won’t, because he’s too damn good at everything he does.
Christ, I hate this fucking song!
And I’m telling right now, on this day in the month of March, it’s making my Worst Songs list later in the year (or next year?). And it’s gonna rate very high Not because of Glover/Gambino (he’s an awesomely talented guy), but because of all the people who made it popular.
For that reason, fuck you all, and Fuck Migos!!
--
More Hip-Hop
“Bad Things” - Machine Gun Kelly & Camila Cabello
Remember MGK? No? Good. But thanks to the one terrible member of Fifth Harmony that got super popular, he’s now in the Top 5 with this song.
Which is foolishly melodramatic and laughably bad.
"Am I out of my head?
Am I out of my mind?
If you only knew the bad things I like
Don't think that I can explain it
What can I say, it's complicated"
In it, both artists using about the pleasure received from the pain of a relationship. Too bad it doesn’t resonate with me.
There’s nothing in this that I’ve haven’t heard before; the references to the “your love is my drug” metaphor/concept (“And the night's young
And you're my drug
Breathe you in 'til my face numb
Drop it down to that bass drum”),
every other line is about how good dominance and questionable sexual pleasure are, and the tendencies people get from nailing the wrong people--it makes them stupid to come back.
It’s not that complicated to explain--you love the feeling you get you’re fucking with the wrong person. The rush, the fear, the adrenaline, the pain, the addiction, the withdrawal, the changes. It’s all there and not exactly hot. That’s why this song doesn’t work for me; it’s trying to make sexually abusive relationships sexy and worth it, but it’s not.
"I want you forever
Even when we're not together/
Scars on my body so I can take you wherever"
-Oh, that's disgusting.
The only reason why this song got popular in the first place is because of Camila, who's vocals taint whatever little likability this song has. She’s a well-known household name with a piece of her former band still left in. People actually like her. And she’s become a go-to female artist to make your song a hit--to be a feature. But the songs I’ve heard her in are not right for her (nor are they good); what with her singing about sex and the things related to it. And she said once that she felt uncomfortable with the sexual overtones in music. This song in particular was recorded when she was still barely a teenager (MGK was around 25). That grosses me out.
Also grossing me out is the artwork cover; those lips look like they have a severe case of herpes.
This song did bad things to me. Don’t think I can enjoy it.
(see? another corny joke.)
--
“Caroline” - Amine
I hate this. Well, it has mostly to do with overplay. But it's still trash to me.
When I visit my sister’s family in the Northeast, I listen to the Hip-Hop stations frequently. And when we do this, this song will come on at least once (sometimes twice across two stations!). And it annoys the shit outta me.
This song is about Amine (and not Anime; this guy must love the medium so much he flipped two letters around)--anyway, he wants to find the perfect girl to love. Except he just wants to fuck her and nothing else.
“Bad thang, fine as hell, thick as fuck
Oh my god, that's my baby
Caroline, you divine
Mighty fine
Shawty really blow the pipe (that's true)
Like a pro”
=
“It's looking like it's 'bout time to fuck it up
Caroline, listen up, don't wanna hear
About ya horoscope or what the future holds
Shut up and shut up”
=
“Don't wanna talk it out, can we fuck it out?
'Cause we gon' be up all night, fuck a decaf”
Awww...That is just true love right there. Nothing but sex and silence.
Isn't that cute?
Well, it's not.
CAUSE IT'S WRONG!!
And in case this track gets less lovey-dovey, this line is added in:
“'Cause great scenes might be great
But I love your bloopers
And perfect's for the urgent
Baby I want forever
Caroline, don't you see that
I want you to be mine”
Aww, he actually loves her. Does that make it okay???
Oh, and of course, it can’t be a rap song without dissing some other dude (who is probably gonna be me when this review gets released).
“Killa, westside nigga
Boy you like 98 degrees/
And I'm 300, nigga keep ya feet runnin'
I chief keef keef when I eat these beats/
Better boy get scurred
Don't run up in my lane, I don't want you in my lane
You a lame, get swerved”
--Oooh, right in the gut! (/s)
And then here’s the line that made me question the song in the first place:
“Let's get gory...like a Tarantino movie”
That is...gross.
I know sex can get extreme, but…
...that is not cute.
When I hear this song, I feel like I’m in a certain trance when I hear the chorus, over and over before it ends. And when this happens, I’m hearing something and nothing simultaneously. It’s probably the beat, a sloppy use of synth zoning in and out; and later on--for some reason--cowbells. The last time I heard appropriate use of those was at a petting zoo.
According to Wikipedia, this song is made under the genre of “comedy hip-hop”. As if this shit was supposed to be funny. Well...I kinda do find it funny...because of how shitty it is.
Also, doubling down in the creepy cover department, in this cover, Amine looks like Aunt Esther fucked Frankenstein. *shiver* (sorrynotsorry)
--
“Bounce Back” - Big Sean
I kinda like Big Sean…
“I Don’t Fuck With You!”
...that song aside.
While he’s not one of my favorite rappers (or even a great one in my eyes), he has made some pretty good songs I can enjoy at one time or another. And I guess this song...it’s alright.
I like the energy Sean gives, some of the lyrics are good (and a little funny)
“Man, that ass is real,
When I hit, it bounce back”
Because...gravity.
“Look, I woke up in beast mode
With my girl, that's beauty and the beast though/
Been top 5, these niggas sleep though
Only thing that sold out is the seats though (Never sold my soul, never will never have)”
=
“I done did everything except worry
Hella drama, my life story/
Faith of a mustard seed, I kept growing
I knew that this life was meant for me/
Niggas change up more than wishin' wells
Karma come around I'll wish 'em well/
Livin' like I'm on a limitless pill
I kill the scene like I'm Denzel”
This one isn’t without it’s minuses, tho. (It’s own L’s, mind you.)
Some parts of the first verse had Sean’s vocals stretch some words. Apparently he took the Drake route, and that annoys me.
And this line lowkey pissed me off:
“Nigga how dare you stand before me and not respect my authority
If you fuck with my glory I'ma drop the L and get gory”
I know some rappers usually don’t like cops (for some reasons understandable especially today), but rappers acting like they are just to threaten someone calling them out (also for some reasons understandable) with violence just kinda gets me furious.
Get the Fuck over yourself if you have feelings about yourself while calling other guys gay for acting the same about other things.
I also hate Metro Boomin for his barebones beats lack of production prowess, but this one does fit the song (somewhat) and is one of his best. (Don’t expect me to say again anytime soon)
I usually don’t like or care for bragging songs, but this one’s pretty good.
--
“Shape of You” - Ed Sheeran
I love Ed Sheeran, and I love this song!
When he announced his return after a brief hiatus, he came out guitar strummin’ and voice smoothin’. And this song brings it all out in fantastic...“shape” (heh).
It’s honest and open yet charming and fun. And reading the lyrics sheet, you can tell Ed felt that way when co-writing it. It’s like an entry into his journal about meeting and dating the a cool-as-fuck girl that’s perfect for him.
“You come over and start up a conversation with just me
And trust me I'll give it a chance now
Take my hand, stop
Put Van The Man on the jukebox
And then we start to dance”
÷
“Girl, you know I want your love
Your love was handmade for somebody like me
Come on now, follow my lead
I may be crazy, don't mind me
Say, boy, let's not talk too much
Grab on my waist and put that body on me
Come on now, follow my lead”
÷
“One week in we let the story begin
We're going out on our first date (mmmm)
You and me are thrifty
So go all you can eat
Fill up your bag and I fill up a plate
We talk for hours and hours about the sweet and the sour
And how your family is doing okay
Leave and get in a taxi, then kiss in the backseat
Tell the driver make the radio play”
And I love it because, even not in the Ed Sheeran way, it’s so beautiful to read. But in the Ed Sheeran way, it’s beautiful to read with its goofy, marshmallowy, adorable charm.
“And last night, you were in my room,
And my bed-sheets still smell like you”
--That is pretty much the sweetest and classiest way of saying “I just love the smell of your cum and BO on my sheets”.
“I’m in love with your body”
--I’ve heard it many times before, but when he says it, it’s more innocent.
It’s the way he makes it look and sound that makes this track work.
In fact, this song is oozing with charm and fun. The beat (with brilliant touches of dancehall) has the quick energy of “Don’t”, the charm of “Lego House” and the fun of “Sing”. The guitar work is top-notch as usual and Ed’s vocals are just as great and refined as they’ve always been.
I love this song and I think Mr. Sheeran is gonna continue riding his high of hit records for another few years.
--
“Chained to the Rhythm” - Katy Perry ft. Skip Marley
Hey! Katy Perry’s back. ...yay?
Okay, I don’t like this song as much as I would. At first listen, it’s really mediocre. Katy Perry trying to make a socio-political statement in a song just didn’t rub me the right way. It’s about ignoring the crazy stuff happening outside your window while being blissfully unaware in your own little world.
While reminding me fondly of this…
...this is just a boatload of meh. When I first heard it, I thought it was about being in a little bubble away from the real world listening to mindless Katy Perry songs. And speaking of mindless, these lyrics here:
“Are we tone deaf? (I’ll let you know soon)
Keep sweeping it under the mat/
Thought we could do better than that,
I hope we can”
--What better could you do to sweep it all under the rug? Just asking. You can’t hide from the truth or real life. It’s impossible and the ignorance and unawareness won’t help a damn thing.
This song is actually really good on paper; “pointing to the people ignoring the crap going on in our world, mocking them for it and telling them to wake up and do something about it” is a great concept, and the midtempo-yet-upbeat disco/dancehall production is really good and enjoyable (in fact the beat is a great hideaway for the lyrics to not seem so openly activist-ic), but all of that is nearly destroyed by Perry’s lackluster singing.
Katy’s vocals are dull, weak, dry and uninspired...as usual. I never thought of her as a great artist, but I never found her vocals the worst. Then again she made a song about having the best fun we can have as poor dipshits smashed from the liquor we blew our monthly rent on; so why the fuck should I be taking this seriously? So when this song came around and opened my eyes, I can definitely where her detractors are driving at with her now. She’s an uncomfortably untalented singer with the biggest talent in deceiving you to liking her music.
This could’ve worked better with a different artist, like Sia (who gave [uncredited] backing vocals on this by the way).
Oh, and this Skip Marley guy? He and his verse are forgettable.
Hell, and that’s not because his verse is bad. It’s just that it’s tied to a forgettable Katy Perry song.
I expect this to be yet another Top 10 / Top 5 hit (maybe even another #1 hit), so probably she’s going to the bank after taking the money of the “wasted zombies”...
--
“I Don’t Wanna Live Forever (Fifty Shades Darker)” - Zayn / Taylor Swift
Oh fuck. Another Fifty Shades movie, and another Fifty Shades soundtrack.
Well, I loved “Earned It” and “Love Me Like You Do” from ...of Grey, so let’s see what this new single from ...Darker will do with me.
*a few minutes later*
*audible crying from the awful music*
I’m not sorry but I hate this song like the stars of the movies hated the movies.
Oh goodness, where to start?
The beat starts off like Zayn’s other famous artsy-fartsy sex song “Pillowtalk” and devolves into a lying heap of musical garbage, with both him and Taylor Swift taking the Adam Levine route of terrible high-pitched screeching passing for vocals, lyrics trying to make a sex-based abusive relationship sound like the best one-night-stand ever, and the slow-simmered beat littered with what sounds like an old MPEG of someone either jumping on a ruined mattress or charging into the side of a passing train car.
Not sexy, not sensual, not seductive.
Not even superb. Just stupid.
It's a sloppy, near-unfinished, messed-up song.
Well, I guess that takes care of it.
After this song’s existence, I don’t wanna live…
--
“Paris” - The Chainsmokers
Ehh…
A simple love song about escaping parental conformity to prove your love is worth it.
It’s an alright song; has some simple lyrics I like and a real nice beat. The drop though, is something else. It’s fun, happy, perfect and awesome. It sent chills to my spine and is well worth the buildup throughout, which was well-made.
The Chainsmokers are a divisive group to me, but this is one of their good songs.
--
“Love on the Brain” - Rihanna
Straight off...this is one of the best songs Rihanna has ever done. Not just on Anti, but across her entire career.
This song is beautifully brutal. The emotion from Riri’s voice is so genuine it touches your soul and makes so you weak you could cry. The lyrics definitely relate to people going through the pain of a bad relationship yet stay together because how euphoric it feels. The beat is the best part of it all; the production oozes of inspired 1950s and 60s doo-wop and soul music and is very well-made. It’s like someone found unused music sheet from either decade and made something genuine from it remastered.
I love this song so much, that I won’t say it lyrically sounds similar to this next song by her.
--
“Kiss It Better” - Rihanna
This song is probably the best song in Rihanna’s career. The beat is fucking awesome; the 1980s/90s pop-rock-like production is brilliant and to the letter, and are perfectly paired with Riri’s vocals (which is also beautiful). And the lyrics are truly something to relate to. Like “Love on the Brain”, this song also discusses the pain of a abusive relationship, but despite it being bad for the narrator, she finds it too good (sexually) to let go, so she stays.
I’m not a person who condones staying in an abusive relationship because it will ruin your life mentally (or even worse)--and I mostly don’t like song about this, but this song is so amazing with this concept. This track is so powerfully emotional, it’ll bring you to tears even after your first listen. I’m a grown man, and I tear up from this song (and proud of it). I think Rihanna could be getting better in this stage in her career.
--
And that’s all the songs I have for review today.
So sorry for the long absence; I had a lot on my plate that I couldn't handle easily or won’t waste time on you about. I’m more in control with my life to get back to the blog and try to get back to work more regularly because I love doing this and I love you guys too much to disappoint you time after time, so I hope to get back on the right foot with you guys. I may have to do a review of some song I wanted to discuss last year but couldn't later this year so stay tuned.
Thank you for joining me, everyone, and have a great day.
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